My fiance searched sexual half naked Instagram models while I was in the shower.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree with thefooloftheyear that the real problem here is that he's not smart enough to keep his naked/half-naked chick browsing on the down low. I think even the most idealistic of us accept that a virile man likes to look at women, and that's OK as long as he doesn't take it so far he's no longer hot for us. If he's hot for us, giving us good loving, and reasonable and discreet about his naked chick browsing, fine. When he's dumb enough to flaunt it right there in your face, it's a big turnoff and it's going to cause problems.

 

If you were following lots of hot/rich men online and liking all the pics of their gym bod and luxury homes and merchandise, spending lots of time doing it and not bothering to be discreet about it, I don't think he'd feel too good about that, either.

 

People don't really change. It sounds like this guy is bordering on addicted, which is a big turn-off because it's loser-ish. Mature men who are serious about their career, love life, etc., don't have time to spend hours checking out random hoes online. That's what would kill my interest.

[preraph]

How do you know that?

 

Of what possible other value ARE they? Don't be naive.

[JuneL]

They are guidelines.

And like all other guidelines, they have their limitations and exceptions. The human body is complex.

 

 

Absolutely. I know that some East Asian countries have a lower overweight/obese cutoff values, e.g., a BMI above 23 is considered overweight, as it's not uncommon for East Asian individuals to be diagnosed with type 2 diabetes at a BMI strictly below 25.

 

Personally I wouldn't tell the OP to lose weight (and I didn't), even if her BMI was 50, as that's unsolicited advice. But I also didn't see Gretchen12 body-shaming her.

 

The OP brought up her weight to show people that she's not overweight, so her fiancé shouldn't be looking at those instagram models. But whether he likes to check out other women online or in real life, and whether he will cheat on you is often not related to how attractive you are.

Edited May 10, 2019 by JuneL

[Shining One]

Of what possible other value ARE they?

For some, ogling attractive women is a way to kill time. It's not my preferred method, but it works.

 

Before I got myself a tablet to take to the gym, I used to pass the hour of cardio by looking at the women in the yoga section, which was directly in front of the cardio machines. I certainly did not think about those women when I was having sex with whomever I was with.

[preraph]

^ Agree. It's about him mostly. Old habits, etc. Selfish, cares more about some petty little pasttime of his own than if it's a major issue for her that is wrecking her confidence and the relationship. Selfishness.

[nospam99]

Gotta ask .... what is 'half naked'? swimsuit? lingerie? topless? bottomless?

[gaius]

It's one thing to look at porn or whatever when your woman isn't around and you don't have access to her, but to do it when she's naked in the shower, water and soap dripping down her body, that's insulting.

 

If a guy has high drive, then he should be finding a way to transition her naked body from the shower into one sexual position or another. Not staring at Instagram like some Poindexter loser who can't get laid.

[NomiMalone]

@Ruby_Slippers, Couldn’t be better said! Guys who make a hobby of following these IG models, and liking/commenting on their posts are often sad, loserly types.That’s what would put me off too.

 

In fact, I’m put off by guys (and female friends) who are overly obsessive with social media/their phones in general.

[Logo]

As a male, I don't think what he is doing is right. He knows how you feel about his behavior and he needs to respect you.

 

 

How would he feel if you started doing the same with pictures of shirtless men? He wouldn't like it.

 

 

 

I can't speak for other men, but when I'm in a relationship with a woman that I am attracted to and our sex life is good, I have no need or desire to look at naked women or half naked women online.

 

 

 

I might notice a sexy woman walk by and I avoid looking at her, but I know she is there. She's not invisible to me. But I respect my partner and respect myself and I don't stare. In my view, it's the same with pictures online.

 

 

 

 

The only suggestion I can offer is try to spice up your sex life. Make things more fun and experiment more, but he needs to know how you feel about his behavior and how it is affecting you. He needs to stop it. He's not a teenager with raging hormones.

[chillii]

Saw your same thread in another forum can't imagine how many answers you must need to this one.

But eh, how long is your shower, just how much searching anything could he do in a few minutes anyway , and wth would he do it pushed like that in a few minutes then of all times if it's anything serious.

[lana-banana]

This is one of those things where you need to talk it out with your partner and figure out what's happening and where you want boundaries to be. For one thing, you need to establish whether he's initiating conversations with any of these ladies or if it's just what he prefers to look at versus conventional pornography. Obviously, if he's talking to them then that's crossing a line. And if you aren't sure whether he's being honest that's a whole other can of worms.

 

Once that's out of the way, it's fine to say "when you look at beautiful models, I feel inadequate", and let him explain what it means to him. If you believe that looking at racy material at all is a dealbreaker, this isn't the man for you. But maybe this is just how he chooses to explore sexy feelings. Of course it hurts when your partner looks at other people, but just because he likes looking at models doesn't mean he doesn't like looking at you too.

 

Not everything is as cut and dry as it seems. When I was younger and needed a fantasy fix---regardless of whether I had a boyfriend at the time---I went to sites like Craigslist and read hookup ads. Men seeking women, women seeking men, gay, whatever; something about the idea of strangers meeting up and having wild sex was incredibly hot to me. I never once even thought about actually engaging in anything, but it sure would have been hard to explain to a partner.

[Cbear01]

Hi all, OP here!

 

I did not think I would get so many responses, I haven't had chance to reply to them so I'm attempting to cover everything in this to respond.

 

Firstly let me just go over the 'weight' section of this thread.

62kg and being 5ft3, I am not over weight, according to my scales 40kg of my weight is muscle... I go to the gym and train, I dont have a super toned flat stomach but i have some ab definition at the top of my stomach when i first wake up... the women will understand this more than men but I'm a UK size 8...

 

Also referring to a few people seeming to think I don't satisfy him, that's incorrect, we have sex 2/3 times a week and I am the one with the higher drive out of the two of us.... btw I'm 25 and hes 27.

 

I was never insecure about our relationship or myself until he was progressivly liking and following 'sexual' accounts. Like I mentioned in my original message he unfollowed them when I spoke to him previously so now its sneakily looking, the time when I was in the shower I was in there for about 10 minutes so he did a quick ogle, I never said he did anything to himself during that time but that's what I'm worried he does when I'm not there, he has many photos of me and my body so using other girls just trades me in. I just think now every time he is on his phone hes looking at them. I've noticed over the last day he is super careful on his phone around me but only when he goes onto Instagram, she from what I can gather he knows what will show up if he tried to search someone... as most who have Instagram will know as soon as you go into the search page it shows your kost recent searches. I'm planning on having a conversation about it I just haven't figured out how to explain my feelings in a way he'll understand, it's not my intent to control him but these actions control my mind and that effects my mentality and the way I think of him so for our relationship to be healthy we need to be open about out boundaries and I need to explain to him what happens in my head when he does that. People say men have a 'natural drive' I think that's a bull**** excuse, I have a high drive and I never feel the need to look at other men online, I don't need to because for me hes enough! I honestly think men use a lot of excuses because they've mentally been telling themselves it's okay because they're Male for years... and man have said that too them since they were young so really theres never been another way for them to actually accept it's not true...

 

Our relationship has been great other than this, he was perfect to me till all of this.... I have been waring with myself for days over this telling myself maybe I should just accept it and try to ignore it, then I sit there and hes on his phone and the first thought i have is 'is he looking at those women' so its bothering me a lot clearly.

 

Not sure what I might have missed, please ask anything I have forgotten and I will try to respond as soon as I can

 

Thanks everyone for your help and opinions!

[Gaeta]

People say men have a 'natural drive' I think that's a bull**** excuse, I have a high drive and I never feel the need to look at other men online, I don't need to because for me hes enough!

 

 

 

I don't approve of what your boyfriend is doing and the following I am going to say has nothing to do with your current situation and your boyfriend, I just want to educate yourself on a fact, here is it:

 

 

 

You think if you don't feel a certain way then he shouldn't either. Men and women are wired differently, they view things differently, they react to things differently, why? because our brain is different, the chemical in our brain is different. It's far from being bull, I suggest you read up on what makes women and men different. It's not about them not wanting to be like us, they cannot be like us, they don't have the same brain pathways. Women's left and right side of their brain communicate much more than men's brain is capable, etc etc etc. and so on and so on. Please look it up.

 

 

 

Back to your boyfriend. You cannot make him 'not' look at those. He will do it for a while to please you and he won't be able to hold it back for long, exactly what happened this time. He probably did this since long before meeting you, maybe he's addicted who knows. I personnaly think you are just starting to discover who this guy is. How long have you been dating? I doubt you've been together 3 years and you're just discovering this. My advice to you is to drop him.

 

 

 

I would not mind my bf looking at porn in his private moments on a private platform, but if he was following these girls on a public network where everyone we know could see he's following those....I would not have dated him at all.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have been waring with myself for days over this telling myself maybe I should just accept it and try to ignore it, then I sit there and hes on his phone and the first thought i have is 'is he looking at those women' so its bothering me a lot clearly.

 

Not sure what I might have missed, please ask anything I have forgotten and I will try to respond as soon as I can

 

Thanks everyone for your help and opinions!

 

First off let me say, like your BF, I’ve been “male for years”.

 

Two things:

 

- Most men are going to look, to use your terms

 

- you have a right to a relationship on your terms

 

So, assuming you’re aware you’ve considerably reduced the sample size, there’s a guy out there comfortable with your parameters.

 

It’s just not this one...

 

Mr. Lucky

[amaysngrace]

A relationship without trust isn’t really a relationship. He sneaks and you snoop.

 

That’s not a very good combination.

[nospam99]

Gotta ask .... what is 'half naked'? swimsuit? lingerie? topless? bottomless?

 

No answer. But this has got me curious ....

 

I'm male (duh). I look at Pictures of Naked Women because ... it elicits a pleasurable hormonal response in my body. I don't drink, smoke, or even drink coffee. My 'high', my 'buzz', is my own testosterone (or whichever hormone it is), not some external substance. Not the OPs sitc, but when I'm in a romantic relationship (at the moment, not) my lover gives me that hormonal high so I'd only be interested in 'artificial' stimulation when we're apart for ... oh ... several days. I understand that, but don't relate to, why many women can't understand that.

 

Anyway, back to questions about the way the OP described her issue, how is a half-naked Instagram model 'sexual'? Just because she's half-naked? Or does it depend on her pose? Or what part of her body the framing of the photo is focused on? Or the state of her body? (Counter example: the most pornographically posed (naked, masturbating, 'gynecological' perspective) photo of an obese woman does nothing for me - it might as well be a male.) Seems to me I've seen a rule of thumb .... something like if a woman shows 40% skin (or more - either in a photo or in real life) that's the threshold for (on average) attracting male attention.

 

I suppose 'sexual' and 'half-naked' mean different things to different people. I'm just curious about parameters. LOL because I don't want to turn this thread into 'nospam's porn review'. But if there is agreement from the moderators, I'm willing to post a link to an online photo that I think is sexual - she'll almost certainly be more than 'half' naked.

[thefooloftheyear]

I'll say this as well..

 

If you are a heterosexual guy, it's almost impossible to live in todays society without seeing some of this stuff...I can't speak for everyone and while I don't do it, practically all my friends and business asociates send me this stuff, either by text or any other form of social media...Again, I rarely pass it along to others, but get it all the time...Even on the car enthusiasts pages I follow, there isn't a single day where there isn't some hot woman posed up with her shapely ass bent over the fender..

 

Most guys wont humiliate themselves or insult the sender by telling them not to send anything racy...So just check it out and dump it..

 

I do see the point made by women here...Most guys don't run afoul as they are aware of how not to be disrespectful about it...

 

In all my years I cant recall a single time where any woman was overly bent out of shape over this..

 

TTFY

Edited May 12, 2019 by thefooloftheyear

[JuneL]

OP: I think most (women) here think following and liking those instagram models is unacceptable and disrespectful. I wouldn’t want to be with a guy like that tbh.

 

But you haven’t answered the main question: Are you okay with your bf just looking at porn and sexy pictures, as long as it’s not excessive and he doesn’t do it to your face to disrespect you? If you’re not okay with the latter, then your expectations are quite unrealistic. I can imagine there’re guys who would pretend that they absolutely don’t like to look at sexy women online just to please you.

[mark clemson]

People say men have a 'natural drive' I think that's a bull**** excuse, I have a high drive and I never feel the need to look at other men online, I don't need to because for me hes enough! I honestly think men use a lot of excuses because they've mentally been telling themselves it's okay because they're Male for years... and man have said that too them since they were young so really theres never been another way for them to actually accept it's not true...

 

Our relationship has been great other than this, he was perfect to me till all of this.... I have been waring with myself for days over this telling myself maybe I should just accept it and try to ignore it, then I sit there and hes on his phone and the first thought i have is 'is he looking at those women' so its bothering me a lot clearly.

 

 

I respectfully disagree with the first paragraph quoted above. People are very different and some people seem to be "wired" more monogamously than others. We don't necessarily choose how we are sexually. For example, there are "asexual" people, including men, some of who's spouses have posted on this board. These people would see it as "perfectly reasonable" for you to have sex maybe twice a year if you married one.

 

So, expecting what works for you to work for others isn't necessarily fair or realistic.

 

That said, a normal person should be able to control or at least temper specific behaviors. I do think it's reasonable (and certainly within your rights as a partner) to ask that your fiancee stop looking at instagram model specifically and/or doing any online contact.

 

Asking him to forego porn completely might be a lot less reasonable. However, every couple is a little bit different and perhaps it might work out for you. Hard to say, but hopefully you will be able to come up with a solution where both of you are happy.