Staying for Kids

[basil67]

Leaving a marriage for the want of something better is a very modern thing. Likewise, marrying for love is also very modern. Yes, there were 'love matches' in the past, but they were not the norm. Marriage was more about making a partnership where the man gained someone to keep his house and a woman got children and a roof over her head. In more wealthy families, property was also a consideration.

 

Considering that people have only been divorcing for selfish reasons (I too have divorced for selfish reasons) since the 1970's or so, I don't think that staying for the family and continuing the partnership is such a terrible thing. After all, staying in a marriage is what marriage is all about. What's the point getting married if no fault divorce is an option when you want out?

[giotto]

The longer you stay, the more your wife is entitled to in the event of a divorce regardless of children being in college.

 

How have you come to terms with that?

 

 

I don't really care about the money... if she is entitled to half of my money or more, that's fine. This is marriage and I knew there was a possibility of this happening.

[AMarriedMan]

I wrote:

 

The whole notion of marrying a second time one major purpose for it being to teach your kid how a proper marriage looks like is preposterous. You marry someone because you want to create a family with that person and that reason alone.

 

 

I think you should reconsider this thought.

[...]

I do believe that children learn from their parents. How can they not?

 

I'm not saying that kids don't learn from their parents and how they relate to their partners.

 

First and foremost, what I'm saying is that if I am to ever remarry if my wife and I divorce, it will not happen to any extent because I'm hoping to put on a demonstration of a good relationship for my daughter while she is visiting me and my hypothetical second wife. That's because I would be using that woman and my relationship with her as a means to an end. That is no basis for a loving relationship at all.

 

Secondly, to the extent that were my motivation for establishing that relationship, I would have to be pretty sure it was going to become a good enough relationship to showcase to my daughter because otherwise the whole relationship would be an exercise in futility to that same extent. How do you think such intentions would affect the relationship?

 

Thirdly, even without ulterior motives like that, building a successful relationship is damn hard. Getting relationships to work cannot be expected to be a picnic. I see no reason to believe ending up in a happy marriage that lasted until death did us apart to be the likely outcome of my marrying again. A pretty large percentage of people are broken in one way or more, including myself. If I'm perfectly honest, my own temperament and some other issues render me incapable of offering sufficient value to any woman who has her **** together. Those who do not have their **** together I do not wish to associate with and I wouldn't want expose even them to any of my ****. In fact, if I remarried I actually might end up expose my daughter to something much worse than witnessing the marriage of her mother and myself.

 

Fourthly, even if I really ended up in good relationship I'd entered into largely because I wanted to set a good example for my daughter, there is no telling whether she'd actually learn the right lessons from it.

 

So, to summarize my argument: people should never be treated as a means to an end in intimate relationships and that marrying someone to show someone what a good relationship looks like would be as strange as becoming a pet owner for the purpose of showing the world what a responsible pet owner you can be.

[schlumpy]

So, to summarize my argument: people should never be treated as a means to an end in intimate relationships and that marrying someone to show someone what a good relationship looks like would be as strange as becoming a pet owner for the purpose of showing the world what a responsible pet owner you can be.

 

I can't disagree with what you stated especially based on your realistic assessment of your chances of finding a better relationship. It would be difficult and time consuming.

 

Better the devil you know, than the one you don't.

 

I wish it could be otherwise.

[AMarriedMan]

I can't disagree with what you stated especially based on your realistic assessment of your chances of finding a better relationship. It would be difficult and time consuming.

 

Not only that but people tend to take their issues from one relationship to the next. And their partners tend to have issues similar to their previous partners. Many people make the mistake of changing partners one after another without learning much from the experience. When you come out of troubled a relationship a serious look at yourself and your interaction and attachment styles is always in order.

 

Better the devil you know, than the one you don't.

[...]

 

That's not entirely accurate, either. I'm perfectly fine with never being in a relationship again should my wife and I divorce.

[AMarriedMan]

What's the point getting married if no fault divorce is an option when you want out?

 

Exactly right. Society has vested interest in couples staying together to raise their kids. Divorcing is expensive because you need to run two households after you're divorced. If you want your kids to have their own rooms, they will need two rooms to be able to have a room to themselves after their parents have separated. That's why the divorce rate tends to go up as GDP per capita increases. In poor countries, divorcing might be downright impossible. And even in rich countries, the couple might end up having financial hardship after divorce.