virtualgrl Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 long story short, i was dating someone long distance for 4 months and he came to visit me 2 1/2 months in, we had an amazing time, long hours spent together talking for a weekend, then just recently visited him for 5 days, beautiful time. but he told me on this visit to him that a few weeks ago another girl approached him and they got to talking and ended up going on several dates and now he wants to explore her because she lives close and he's surprised by his chemistry with her (i was willing to move to him eventually but it was too soon to discuss). we weren't exclusive during our time apart because it was still new, but we had been each other's only partner for the past four months (confirmed), until this girl popped up 3 weeks ago. he said he wanted to be friends and has been texting me the last 3 days. i give short replies. our convos are short but i can tell he's putting in work to be attentive. i'm sad and am trying to prepare for him and this other girl to get into a real relationship. he said he'd tell me if they do or don't and we'd take it from there. but for now we are broken up and i'm expecting the worst. this sucks and i guess there's not much advice to give except how can i try not to wish it'll still work out? we had a lot of communication about it and it's clear he very much likes me it's just this other thing he couldn't not explore. any consoling abt how being disappointed and missing him will go away??. i have a problem of idealizing him because he truly, objectively, has sooo many good qualities and it's incredibly hard to find such a well rounded man. that's why i'm most bummed. it's so hard. i obviously know the advice will be 'forget him' but if there's anything else you can say that speaks to the subtleties would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 I'm going through something somewhat similar, I was seeing a girl LD for about 6 months, it wasn't an official relationship although it felt like one, and she recently began seeing someone who lived in her town and claimed that she couldn't decide between us, that she was confused, etc. The fact that she started seeing him made her decision clear, so I ended things to preserve my dignity. Now, I'm somewhat egotistical and proud, and this was a different situation than what you're facing. Long distance relationships are tough, because one always has options that are more immediately available to them. Communication is more difficult over distance, and when it begins to falter, the present options become much more appealing. Once that connection is formed with the person who is physically present, it's really hard to get your person to go back to doing a long distance relationship with you. I would tell him how you feel. Lay it out on the table, that you have feelings for him and that you want to make a relationship work. Of course, doing this gives him the reigns, and it will be his decision. You'll have to accept it if he decides he wants a conventional relationship with this other woman. In which case, you will need to forget him and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author virtualgrl Posted May 10, 2019 Author Share Posted May 10, 2019 @rjc149 - have u heard from her since? just curious. and i totally understand that once a connection is formed with the physically close person, they wouldn't likely go back to you, unless- things fizzle out/ don't work out with the present person and they're like oh.. which is what i need to not spend my time wondering. he knows how i feel. he is going to explore with this other person. time will tell, but i'm trying my best to distance myself/ move on as fast as possible before i find out how it goes either way. best of luck to your healing journey as well and it's awesome you stuck up for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 (edited) No, we split fairly recently (last week) so I haven't heard from her. When you're in love with someone, you're always going to hope that their new relationship fizzles out and dies, so you'll be next in line. You're always going to hope there's way for you two. I wanted to tell her "look, make your decision, it's him or me" and I wanted to wait for her decision. I wanted to hope that she would choose me over him in the end. But I knew if I did that, I was coming from a position of weakness and scarcity, and that would never be attractive to her. I wasn't going to be in any situation where I wasn't her clear priority, so I ended it on my terms. It's different, I think, because I'm a guy and as I've said, I'm a little bit more headstrong and proud. But from what you're telling me, and my own experience, it seems like he's already made his decision and he's too afraid to just rip the band-aid off, so he's peeling it off slowly. You know him, you have a better read on the situation, but if you've told him how you feel, and made it clear you want a relationship, and he's still "deciding" then I would move on to something better for you. Don't be second in line for someone. Edited May 10, 2019 by rjc149 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 It's not about you per se. It's about the distance. He liked you well enough but he likes her too & she has the advantage of being closer. You two didn't have enough of a foundation for him to forgo the less complicated option of a more conventional relationship. If you find yourself moving closer to him, do look him up but otherwise acknowledge that the distance killed the potential for more with him due to the circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
TooBad Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 I might be able to understand him going for the close-by option if you hadn't seen eachother for a while and things went a bit numb. But him telling you that while you were with him tells me that he just isn't that much into you and likes to keep you as an option. Nothing more than that. Other than that, people can pretend to be anything they want to be while dating/LDR/for a few days. You can't be sure if his 'good qualities' are for real. In any case, I would cut and run. Being second option is no option at all. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 Multiple studies have found proximity is a major predictor of partner selection. He may be a great guy, and you may be a great girl, but LRDs are difficult to navigate even when the two people are both invested. Look at it like this though. If he really liked you very much, he would not be talking to this other woman. Yes, he likes you. But not enough that the first major temptation and hurdle and he is ready to bail. He may have a lot of great qualities. But what you have to tell yourself is it sounds like you've only had actual physical interaction for 7 total days. That's a really short amount of time. You don't really know him that well, and virtual communication does not seem to create an emotional bond nearly to the extent face-to-face communication does. If it did, all those months of virtual communication would have created an emotional bond to you that would have made him reject that girl. What you are essentially getting is a guy that looks great on paper and you have spent a few good days together. Maybe it will work out with this other person, and maybe it won't. I think you will have to decide if you want to keep allowing your heart to be put on the line like this, or if some of that innocent trust is gone. You might also want to take one of the following routes: If you don't want to date anyone else, you should cut contact until he makes up his mind. Right now, he's got you on the back burner. If you are open to dating others, I think you should let him explore his options, and tell him you are going to date other people as well. Continue talking here and there, but don't get back to him right away, and definitely not on the weekends. Give him some competition anxiety. Right now, you're just stuck in limbo while he is playing the field. Don't get me wrong, you're not manipulating him, but you are matching his level of interest. You definitely don't want to give the impression that you are just going to wait around while he explores "chemistry" Link to post Share on other sites
Author virtualgrl Posted May 10, 2019 Author Share Posted May 10, 2019 very good point(s). it's obvious that going off and doing my own thing (as much as one can do with already distance) will not only help me get over him for real but also, if he were to realize he missed me and made a mistake with that girl, this would be the only way. thank you all for your points. distance sucks! fate is confusing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 Don't go off and do your own thing in the hopes that he'll get back to you. Do it in the absolute certainty that you will find someone better, both on paper and for you. And it may not take as long as you think. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted May 11, 2019 Share Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) fate is confusing. Glad it helped! I always separate fate from free will. Fate allowed you to meet, but building a relationship takes effort. That's the free will part of it. If both are not telling each other "what we have is so amazing, nothing is going to stop us from being together!" and both are not proactively working towards that goal, LDR is doomed to failure. It's really difficult to get to know someone long distance. Every meet up feels like a first date. LDRs work better if you already know the person, and then are temporarily separated by life circumstances. For example, a friend of mine is going through residency in one state, and his wife is a practicing physician in another state. He drives to be with her every weekend, until he is done with school and they can relocate together. In that set up, they already know each other, there is an active effort to be a part of each other's lives, and there is a time frame when the distance will close. Edited May 11, 2019 by TheFinalWord Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted May 11, 2019 Share Posted May 11, 2019 Yes the harsh reality at the end of the day is that people suit themselves,they look after number one and unfortunately from your perspective, your guy is very much looking after his own interests. I am a little surprised that you are not slightly more angrier about the situation, you describe what appears to have been a pretty good connection between the two of you, yet he was still on the lookout for other options and even now is still trying to keep you onside at the same time. This would annoy me tbh if I were you. Some people will say he is being noble and honest and up front with you and so on, I don't know, I am a guy and I am no saint either, Yet I know if I had a long distance relationship on the level that you describe then I would not embark on another one close to home, I am sorry but I do not think your bloke is as good as you thought. He is a player I am afraid. Link to post Share on other sites
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