Ex left without a trace after 16 years, difficulties throwing away her stuff...

[raven7]

I'm in a difficult situation. Our relationship of 16 years ended in a divorce/breakup... I tried my everything to make things work... but in the end the situation became unbearable. She was deeply depressed or something and I became mostly her caretaker... It was really tough. She became super verbally abusive and controlling, refused all and any physical touch for recent years etc... And finally I couldn't take it anymore and said I wanted to break up. Even after that we lived together for 6 months... And I tried to make things work but she refused to discuss things etc. Finally I said she needs to move out. (I'm skipping all the details here.) Eventually she left - without a trace.... leaving everything behind, only took her phone and laptop basically.

 

She also left behind a serious mess..... that I cleaned up for a month. She cut all contact and I know her and that she's not coming back - ever. It's been very tough after everything we went through...

 

My problem: What to do with all this stuff....?? The storage room is now filled with it... And I still have some cabinets and closets to go through..... I could make some money and sell some of it (like clothes, books, decor) at a thrift store... But I can't make myself to do it. It's too painful emotionally and also physically... I cleaned a full month after her to make her space/room liveable again.... I have zero energy to do any extra at this point. And it's taxing emotionally also.

 

I feel like donating it all..... just to get rid of it. But it's a lot. And I could make money with it. But just don't have the energy.

 

I just threw away (finally) a big laundry basket full of her dirty clothes...... I couldn't make myself wash them. Not after taking care of her for YEARS. I've had enough of that. Felt guilty for throwing away clothes that I could've donated or sold...... But couldn't make myself do it.

 

Any advice? Am I a bad/lazy person if I just want to get rid of that stuff.....? and donate it all or something.....? Just to get things done and move on with my life.....?

 

Thank you! Any advice welcome

 

PS. Also super difficult is what to do with all her childhood photographs, childhood drawings and toys (a few she was able to save and of enourmous value to her) etc. precious items..... bcos I know she's not coming back. But I don't have the heart to throw away them either........ But let's not even go there!

 

Edit: Also it's very difficult to decide what to keep and what not bcos pretty much all the deco items etc. we accumulated together over the years.....! I can't throw away everything that reminds me of our life... But I just imagined we'd divide them and go through them together.

Edited May 10, 2019 by raven7
adding info

[mark clemson]

Sounds like some form of mental illness. Very unfortunate that happened.

 

Wait a while before deciding what to do with most of the excess stuff.

 

Suggest you don't throw away the photo albums etc in case she ever contacts you for something. You can offer to give them to her then. Some people have little nostalgia/sentimentality, but it's hard to tell what she'd want if she was fully in her right mind.

 

Hope you are able to process this and eventually move on.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I suggest choosing a space such as a closet and filling it with the things of hers you consider most valuable to her. Categorize things into 1,2,3, etc, if you like as to value.

 

If you don't have any children, some time later, whenever you feel comfortable doing it, go through the stuff again and throw out everything with the least valuable number on it. And continue to do this until you are down to the 1's. At some point you may throw out the ones, depending on your thought processes.

 

If you have children you might want to save what's in the closet until the children are grown in case they may want some of their mom's belongings.

 

If it's any comfort to you at all know that folks I know in the age range of 60's and 70's are throwing a lot of things they've collected over the years out, donating or selling it. Their children don't want it much to their surprise. And they are all simplifying. Most of our "stuff" is just that, stuff!

[preraph]

Call an estate sale person who does estate sales after someone passes, but they'll be glad to help sort it out and take a percentage of the value and hold the sale for you.

[d0nnivain]

Stop! Do nothing until you consult with a lawyer about abandoned property laws in your state. If you were legally married & are now divorced, the divorce decree will specify what becomes of the stuff. If you were not married but only lived together, you must have some idea of how to contact somebody in her family. Dump all the stuff on them. However, until you can legally conclude that she has abandoned the stuff, dispose of it at your own peril. If you get rid of it & you didn't have the right to do so, you could be held personally responsible to her for the value of the stuff. Document everything to protect yourself.

[Rotaglia]

I'm sorry for this experience. It sounds really hard to care for someone so intensively and to have them go away. I feel for you.

[giotto]

Can you put in storage? For the moment...

[raven7]

Thank you guys for awesome advice!

 

The thing is the stuff isn't really valuable... It's just clothes, deco items, etc. etc. regular clutter and stuff. Plus ofc old papers, school stuff, the photo albums etc.

 

We weren't legally married (thank god!), and yeah I know how to contact her mom or brother on fb... But the thing is also that she cut contact with her family some 10 years ago..... So... I really wouldn't like to get in the middle of that... If she didn't want to contact them, I feel it'd be awkward for me to do so now. I have honestly no idea where she went and whether or not she contacted her family members in the process. Also her mom used to hate all kinds of extra clutter... so I doubt she'd be happy to become a storage for any of that..... I do have a storage room so for now I'm intending to keep at least the most valuable irreplaceable stuff such as photos etc.... But I don't have room for all her clothes etc.

 

Also I feel uncomfortable living with my ex's belongings bcos the relationship and breakup was so difficult... I kinda want to move on... But that's where the problem lies.

 

And also we don't have children!!! Luckily.

[Orokotikki]

Put all that **** on the curb and call the garbage company (or charity which picks up etc), if you have a qualm about it send a text saying "You have been moved out since (day they left), all your crap is getting picked up by (company) on (day of pickup), if you don't like it its on my driveway, come pick it up."

 

You were not married, and as long as it has been a few months since they skipped and you can say you gave them reasonable notice (and there's no Grandma's ashes or Faberge eggs), just get rid of it.

[raven7]

Haha, thanks!

 

Yeah, she left before December... And I did send her multiple texts while I was cleaning, reminding her of all the stuff she left and that she might need it... She never replied to any of those. (But that was just normal bcos she didn't answer my texts before that either.) I did give her a date too, on January, like one full month to start picking up the stuff... And said I'll start throwing it away after that. And did mention that I'll probably save a few things like the photos etc. for her in case she wants them in the future.

 

And I did get rid of some books, towels, etc. since... But at first I did pack her belongings in cardboard boxes in the storage. (In case she came to pick them up by January what she ofc didn't do.) And it's tiring having to go through with all that again...

 

The easiest for me would be to just donate all that stuff to a local charity that takes in everything.

 

Thanks for support!

[salparadise]

It's good that you recognize the burden this stuff is to you. Every item represents the painful stuff you've gone through with her. I know how hard it is to go through it and deal with it. But you will be so much better off to get it done.

 

I like LivingWater's strategy and have done something similar. My ex-wife would not allow me to throw anything away. It would trigger her if I tried to organize and discard stuff, and we had a lot of stuff from our diseased parents. So, I would box stuff up and take it to the basement. She was okay with that. Then maybe a year later the box(es) would disappear. This strategy also worked for things I had trouble making decision about... out of sight is almost as good as gone, and it's easy to let it go after you have't seen it for awhile.

 

Three categories: 1) photos, artwork, and irreplaceable personal stuff, 2) semi-valuable stuff that could be sold at a yard/estate sale, 3) everything else.

 

Hire a personal organizer to come for a day and do the work for you. Keep the boxes of photos and personal items packed away until you're ready to dispose of it, and everything else is gone and your house cleaned up in one day. It will be a huge relief.

[5x5]

Have you called the Police and reported her as a missing person?

[Caauug]

Stop! Do nothing until you consult with a lawyer about abandoned property laws in your state. If you were legally married & are now divorced, the divorce decree will specify what becomes of the stuff. If you were not married but only lived together, you must have some idea of how to contact somebody in her family. Dump all the stuff on them. However, until you can legally conclude that she has abandoned the stuff, dispose of it at your own peril. If you get rid of it & you didn't have the right to do so, you could be held personally responsible to her for the value of the stuff. Document everything to protect yourself.

 

 

Again Correct!!!

 

 

Depends where you live and the local laws. Go see a lawyer and find out what you need to do. 1+ yrs. = same as marriage in some countries. Last thing you need to do is take her on a never ending shopping spree to replace everything.

 

 

Hell, even here if a renter walks out and leaves stuff the landlord has to store it for a set amount of time..... Protect yourself!

[OatsAndHall]

Stop! Do nothing until you consult with a lawyer about abandoned property laws in your state. If you were legally married & are now divorced, the divorce decree will specify what becomes of the stuff. If you were not married but only lived together, you must have some idea of how to contact somebody in her family. Dump all the stuff on them. However, until you can legally conclude that she has abandoned the stuff, dispose of it at your own peril. If you get rid of it & you didn't have the right to do so, you could be held personally responsible to her for the value of the stuff. Document everything to protect yourself.

 

 

This. Through and through.

 

 

When I moved out of our place and the divorce paperwork was going through, my ex-wife demanded that I come pick up my stuff. I set up multiple times to go pack it all up and asked her not to be there. But, she didn't adhere to that request and was always home. I asked her to leave so I could move what little I had in the house but she wouldn't. She threatened to throw it away, I consulted my lawyer and he told her she would be financially responsible for anything she disposed of.

[The Outlaw]

No, it doesn't make you a bad person. Despite what happened, I can see it as being tough on deciding on what to do with her belongings. But for now, just take a breather. Best thing to do is donate them at a later date, and then you can start to move forward.

[giotto]

I do have a storage room so for now I'm intending to keep at least the most valuable irreplaceable stuff such as photos etc.... But I don't have room for all her clothes etc.

 

I mean bigger storage... you will have to pay for it, but at least the stuff won't be in your house and it will be out of your sight...

[Dandelioness]

Are you sure she's not a missing person?

[5x5]

I think there'll be crickets for the original poster Dandelioness, I think it's a very valid concern. Of which I am concerned about the OPs motive, if they haven't reported her as missing.

[Dandelioness]

I think there'll be crickets for the original poster Dandelioness, I think it's a very valid concern. Of which I am concerned about the OPs motive, if they haven't reported her as missing.

 

Something just feels unsettling for me. No one has been in contact with her. She left with almost nothing and is gone forever. Her cell phone and laptop is missing as well.

[pepperbird]

op,

I understand being concerned about her stuff, but I'd be more worried about her.

 

There's something odd about someone who just up and disappears, leaving everything behind including all her clothes and other personal effects. To not even take a brush, makeup, a change of clothes or anything and to not even ask for them later is really odd.

 

I would report her as a missing person. Better to be safe than sorry, and you will have done your due diligence.