The fear of society turned me into a shut-in

[Creampuff]

Hi, I'm creampuff, I'm 19 years old when I wrote this, and I'm an art student in Japan. I came from Indonesia and right now I live alone in Japan.

 

I'm having a concern about my mental health being for like... forever:(.

 

Truth is, I have always been a negative thinking person, and these days it just got worse. I'll write out some stuffs that stressed me these days...

 

First of all, lots of people judge me

Ever since young, I've always wanted to pursue my career as an artist. But people tends to say, "wth, what're u going to do with that art degree of urs once u graduate??" Or stuff like "u won't be able to eat once u become an artist. I've always felt depressed by such negative comment. I mean, what can I say, when my best friend, Josephine even said that I'll end up being a bum if I take the art major.

 

Long story short, I manage to enter a decent art university in Japan, I got a recommendation from my language school, and a 30% scholarship to this university. Ironically, this best friend of mine who've been mocking my career choice enterd the same university, in the same major?! She said that this illustration course have many career choices and claim that this is her desired major ever since young ._______. (?)

 

Ever since I entered this university, I've made up my plan, I want to pursue my career in webtoon. Let's just say that... eventho I always feel depressed, I have a pretty good sense of humor, everyone always laugh at my jokes, at least I'm a cheerful person outside. That's why ai decided to start my webtoon, hoping that once I graduate I'll have a job already. But then again, people started judging me... again. They say that I won't get a proper job if I go back to Indonesia. I have to work with Japan's art company, that's a real job for them. My best friend said that my career choice will end with me being a bum... again. I felt sad because... I can't tell my best friend, in fact, she's the one who mock me. I'm afraid to talk it out with my parents, I'm afraid that I'll ended up disappointing them eventho they always support my choices. But being a webtoonist or a freelance artist?? Everyone despise this choice...

 

I've also lived my life being compared to other people.

My best friend, Josephine is a talented person. She's good at music, in fact she even have the certificate to become a piano teacher at such a young age. She's pretty, and she's the best at drawing. All of my friends around me always asked, why would Josephine befriend a potato like me?? One day a guy said to me, "u kno, if u want to be pretty, u need to at least be as pretty as that friend of urs, and I kept wondering, how come Josephine would befriend someone like you??". Or sometimes... "wow!! Josephine, u're really a perfect girl, u can do music, art, u're smart, and u're pretty!! U don't even lack a single point!!" People also said that Josephine will have a bright future. Her illustration is the best.

 

Some people in my school also disliked me. One day, I was chosen to design my school's sport festival's mascot, along with my best friend Josephine and Felicia. Josephine... well despite being good at drawing, she lacks of ideas. So I designed the character, and they helped me out with the coloring. But then the next day, there's a certain problem with the comittee of the sport festival. The comittee change the design, color, everything without our permission. We're not happy with it, but neither of them wants to stand up for our team. So... I stand up for our team. And u know what happened next?? Everyone praised Josephine, and said that she's really creative in designing the mascot and have a good sense of color. And everyone endes up being my haters...

 

Sometimes when I draw, people would take my sketchbook away and throw it to the trash can, saying that it deserves to be in the right place and that my drawing sucks. One day, a guy also did bring his trash and pour it inside my pencil case. Then again, I felt depressed...

 

I also got to the point where I started being a shut-in person, I always kept myself locked inside my room. I somehow feel a deep feeling of relieved inside my room. I know it's not healthy, but somehow I started to develop the fear of meeting people. I think that once I got out of my room, people will judge me, throw my sketchbook, fill my pencil case with trash, and compare me to Josephine. I still do go out, but as days passed by, my shut-in instict started to worsen

 

So far, I want to believe that I'm healthy mentally. But these days I got stressed out easily, lots of negative thinking started to swarm me, I lost my appetite too recently and started to get sick easily. Countless time I've headache and vomit food that I ate. The nauseous feelings and fear of being around people made me concern about my well-being. I kept on trying to think that I'm okay, but if I'm not... I don't know what to do...

 

Is it true that my mental health is getting worse, or am I really having a mental problem now?? I've been keeping myself thinking that I'm okay, but I think it's time to fix stuffs, so please help me out by giving me some solutions, thx

[d0nnivain]

You are a 19 year old college student. Everyone has more Qs about life then answers at that point. I probably cried daily fearing I would never get into grad school. Everything you described makes you just like every other 19 year old in the world -- trying to figure out who you are & where you fit in the world. Relax. You are not going to be a shut in.

 

As for the negative feedback you get from others around you, it's not a criticism per se. It's a reality check. Being any kind of artist -- what you do, dance, theater, music, etc. -- is a tough way to make a living. Yes, those at the top are multi-millionaires but for everyone of those there are hundreds of waiters & bartenders struggling to get by. The adults in your life want the best for you. They see more conventional majors & careers as being more stable. It's not about them lacking faith in you; they simply don't want to see you struggle. Powering through this negativity is part of the learning process & the culling out process. Those who are not true believers in themselves drop out. You have to be tough enough to withstand all of the rejections which will come your way in your chosen field. If you have the talent & the drive you will be OK. Just maybe take a business course or two so you have a fall back if art doesn't work out & or so you know how to run your creativity as a business.

 

It's good that you stuck up for the team but why didn't you stick up for yourself? Be caution around your "friend" who took credit for your work.

[Veronica73]

What d0nnivan said.

 

And also, there are tons of jobs for people with art degrees. Graphic design, illustration, animation. Put in the effort. Hard work gets you farther than talent. And you have a family who supports your endeavors- that’s huge!

[Creampuff]

Thank you for ur response, it's a relieve to hear that I'm perfectly normal

[Foxhall]

nice codename!

 

 

Yes I would echo the other thoughts there, I think it is great that you are trying to follow your dream and setting out on your own path,

 

 

it is wonderful really at the age of 19,

 

 

do not be so hard on yourself, you are amazing.

 

 

I will not pretend to know a whole lot about your industry but I gather that webtoons are growing and continuing to grow on western world markets,

 

 

let me know when you make your first million!!

[preraph]

It's rare to even know what you might want to do at your age. I was totally lost at your age.

 

Your friends have a point about the art and webtoon stuff, only because seems like everyone wants to do something similar these days, so there's only so many jobs in that field. A friend of mine's kid about your age wants to be a graphic artist and he's working chasing grocery carts, but you're both still young.

 

I think it's great to follow your dream, but what you can't do is let fear stop you from taking ALL the steps needed to aggresively pursue it.

 

As for your major and course work, there is NO reason why you shouldn't pursue the art but also pursue other coursework that you can fall back on if necessary, like learn to be an accountant or get a general business degree. You don't have to choose just one. Do have a practical backup. With a general business degree, you can get in the door lots of places. And still do your art and pursue art.

[basil67]

Your friends aren't criticising you. They are worried that you're going into a field where it's hard to make a living wage. By all means follow your dream, but have backup plans which will help you to earn a living when art doesn't pay.

 

I don't know what's going on with people throwing away your art. Are they friends or strangers?

[preraph]

I want to mention one thing that a lot of young artists don't understand until they get a job in their field.

 

So for example, one friend of mine likes to do a certain style of art and in his mind, he's thinking he'll find a job where they'll just let him do the art he's already doing, his own idea, his own creation.

 

That is never going to be the case. You will always be expected to create and produce someone else's ideas, not your own, if you are to get paid for it. It's more a production type thing, not you being able to create what you're most comfortable with. This has been a problem even in the old days when the only money to be made by astoundingly good Renaissance artists centuries ago was doing portraits, which they detested using their skills on.

 

A friend of mine was doing some graphic art at one time. But all she was allowed to do for this company was basically color between the lines, very boring. And made very little money. It's hard to get to the status of being able to do your own work and call your own shots and make money that way.

 

So do have a backup degree. But also do follow your dream because that makes you happy, but it may never end up being more than a hobby you do online.