Lorenza Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 When someone says "I'm way more cautious than before", "it will take much more to make me fall in love", "I wanted to get married before but not sure anymore due to past heartbreaks. Would take a lot to reconsider", do you take it as a warning, that they won't be as invested into you as they were with the people in their past? To me it sounds like telling in advance, that the person have already given away what was best and I'll get the rests. Or maybe I'm wrong? I heard those lines before and they didn't lead to anything good. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 Well... I kind of agree that it could be a red flag. If that's really how they feel, they may not give a new relationship a real chance, or take the smallest "Bump" as a reason to leave. But then again... when I was younger... I remember hearing things like "I don't have time for a relationship" or "I was hurt in the past"... but eventually, they change their minds. Unfortunately... you never really know if it's a real statement, or just a safeguard until you get to know them. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 It's certainly not subconscious. It's right out there in the open. When somebody gives you a warning like that heed it. Too many people hear stuff like that but conceitedly think they will be the one to change the other person. Never go into a relationship with a wounded bird. If you want a fixer - upper project buy an old house & rehabilitate that. I think after a break up many people pull back but the ones who announce it rather than keep their own cautious counsel are not presently good potential partners. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 1, 2019 Author Share Posted May 1, 2019 I asked him if his heart is open, and he said "yes of course", also flew to see me to my country, wants to keep seeing me despite the distance. I'm a bit confused:( Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 I asked him if his heart is open, and he said "yes of course", also flew to see me to my country, wants to keep seeing me despite the distance. I'm a bit confused:( I would be too. He is of two minds right now. Taking the words & the actions side by side you can only conclude he doesn't know what he's doing or what he wants. He says the right things -- his heart is open -- but he also put a disclaimer on things -- I'm more cautious, I don't know about marriage any more -- so that when he dumps you later he can claim that you were in the wrong for falling for him after he told you not to. If you can see him & guard your heart, go ahead. Train yourself to be more skeptical & keep a right reign on your emotions. The long distance aspect of this helps him keep his emotional distance from you. He doesn't have to fully commit as much as if you were right there all the time. He can make grand gestures like flying to see you then run away home again. While he's there he can have the romance & get the sex from you but not have to be fully present in real life. It's more like a pretty dream or vacation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 1, 2019 Author Share Posted May 1, 2019 I would be too. He is of two minds right now. Taking the words & the actions side by side you can only conclude he doesn't know what he's doing or what he wants. He says the right things -- his heart is open -- but he also put a disclaimer on things -- I'm more cautious, I don't know about marriage any more -- so that when he dumps you later he can claim that you were in the wrong for falling for him after he told you not to. If you can see him & guard your heart, go ahead. Train yourself to be more skeptical & keep a right reign on your emotions. The long distance aspect of this helps him keep his emotional distance from you. He doesn't have to fully commit as much as if you were right there all the time. He can make grand gestures like flying to see you then run away home again. While he's there he can have the romance & get the sex from you but not have to be fully present in real life. It's more like a pretty dream or vacation. We're not having sex yet. I have the tickets to come see him but I wonder if I rushed too much. I was in the haze of our time together which was wonderful. On the other hand he has told his friends about me, taken pictures and videos, wants me to meet his dad when I come to visit next month. Now that I have them tickets I will go, but I'm a bit sad after what he said. Discouraged Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 Go on the trip anyway. Enjoy it as a vacation but take romance & sex off the table. Friendzone him & have fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 1, 2019 Author Share Posted May 1, 2019 Go on the trip anyway. Enjoy it as a vacation but take romance & sex off the table. Friendzone him & have fun. I'm gonna stay at his place and besides there's nothing else for me to see in his city as I've just been there. Don't think I want to friendzone him yet either... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 If you are going to stay at his place you have to assume he will expect you to sleep with him. Are you DTF knowing he may be playing games? If not, book a hotel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 1, 2019 Author Share Posted May 1, 2019 If you are going to stay at his place you have to assume he will expect you to sleep with him. Are you DTF knowing he may be playing games? If not, book a hotel. He agreed to wait until I'm ready. We slept together two nights (despite him having a room at a hotel in my city) and didn't have sex, except some touching. I'm not DTF just yet, want to feel safe first. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 If you want to feel safe stop sleeping with men you are not sexually involved with. NEVER share a bed with someone if sex is not on the table. Just don't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 1, 2019 Author Share Posted May 1, 2019 If you want to feel safe stop sleeping with men you are not sexually involved with. NEVER share a bed with someone if sex is not on the table. Just don't. What kind of rule is that?? Also, I didn't mean my physical safety. I meant I want to have sex within a relationship, not while dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 hmmmm "I'm way more cautious than before", I wouldnt take that as a red flag. I would understand because I am too. I just dont communicate it. "it will take much more to make me fall in love", On the inside I would roll my eyes but again I wouldn't be deterred from talking to the guy "I wanted to get married before but not sure anymore due to past heartbreaks. Would take a lot to reconsider" Yea I wouldnt eff with a guy who said this because I do want to get married Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 1, 2019 Author Share Posted May 1, 2019 hmmmm "I'm way more cautious than before", I wouldnt take that as a red flag. I would understand because I am too. I just dont communicate it. "it will take much more to make me fall in love", On the inside I would roll my eyes but again I wouldn't be deterred from talking to the guy "I wanted to get married before but not sure anymore due to past heartbreaks. Would take a lot to reconsider" Yea I wouldnt eff with a guy who said this because I do want to get married The exact thing he said "I'm not totally closed off to it, but I think it would take a lot for me to consider again". And he wasn't ever married, just engaged Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 The problem is not that he had those concerns, many people have these concerns, the issue is that he chose to voice them to you. Why? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 1, 2019 Author Share Posted May 1, 2019 The problem is not that he had those concerns, many people have these concerns, the issue is that he chose to voice them to you. Why? You think I should ask him that? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 You think I should ask him that? I think he is trying to keep you at arms length. "Don't get too involved with me, I am not ready for any type of commitment" Trouble is some women see this as a challenge and resolve to change his mind, to find that he doesn't actually want to change anything... he told them where he stood upfront. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 1, 2019 Author Share Posted May 1, 2019 I asked him that. Wonder what he will say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 1, 2019 Author Share Posted May 1, 2019 Also, I told him we should speak on phone more often. While he was here he said he will gladly do that, but now that he's back home, I don't really see him wanting to call me much. He did once, after I told that talking about flight tickets would be easier on phone, but I have a feeling he won't be calling me much, even though he's free in the evening. The more I think the more pointless this thing is. Also, he asked me about marriage himself. Just to tell he isn't sure anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful30 Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 I agree with you. I would consider this a subconscious 'warning' that they aren't as emotionally available as previously. Or, at the very least, will *not* be as emotionally available as previously. Either way, I wouldn't be interested. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 I'd definitely take that as a warning and would probably move on. Because I'm only interested in a relationship with a future, I only date when my heart is open, I've gotten past any bitterness, and I'm ready to love. I wouldn't click with a guy not on the same page. Also, your feeling that he's not keeping in very good phone contact is another signal this isn't cutting it for you. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 When someone says "I'm way more cautious than before", "it will take much more to make me fall in love", "I wanted to get married before but not sure anymore due to past heartbreaks. Would take a lot to reconsider", do you take it as a warning, that they won't be as invested into you as they were with the people in their past? To me it sounds like telling in advance, that the person have already given away what was best and I'll get the rests. Or maybe I'm wrong? I heard those lines before and they didn't lead to anything good. In my experience, this is a low interest guy laying out in unmistakable terms what he's not arsing himself over. He wants someone to come over and, as I overheard some guy once say: "have sex then she turns into a 6-pack and a pizza". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 1, 2019 Author Share Posted May 1, 2019 In my experience, this is a low interest guy laying out in unmistakable terms what he's not arsing himself over. He wants someone to come over and, as I overheard some guy once say: "have sex then she turns into a 6-pack and a pizza". I mean for someone with such a low interest it sure is a lot of effort traveling to my country, paying for hotel and also taking me out the whole time he was here. Would be easier to just find someone in his own country. There was and won't be any sex before the relationship. So I don't really get why he would bother if he wasn't interested. He's a good looking guy with a great career. I don't know what to think. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 The exact thing he said "I'm not totally closed off to it, but I think it would take a lot for me to consider again". And he wasn't ever married, just engaged Still a no If you know you want marriage...not just opened to the idea....not just you can go either way....you for sure want to be married then it doesn’t make sense to be with a guy who is basically saying not sure, maybe, might want it might not, open to it etc. same goes for any other category that you are dead set on having....kids, no kids, long distance relatinship, living a certain lifestyle. now if you don’t care whether you get married or not and possibly end up with a dude who may never marry you, and you are open to going either way on something then by all means you can date guys who are for marriage or against marriage or is also open to either way. What you don’t do is try to make it work with a guy who from the beginning is not 100% sold on the idea if you know you are all because your crossing fingers that he will change his mind and be all for it with you. Don’t ever ever ever bank on guys who say maybe if you know that maybe not is a problem for you. If a guy says maybe then the smart thing to do is to determine if you can accept maybe not and if you can by all means continue with him. Assume his maybe will worst case maybe not. But If it’s something you want from a relationship that’s non negotiable then he needs to also agree non negotiable because if you being married is a definitely yes and you spend all that time on his maybe and he turns that maybe into a nope then you wasted your own time energy and affections and you can’t get mad because afterall he did say maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 I mean for someone with such a low interest it sure is a lot of effort traveling to my country, paying for hotel and also taking me out the whole time he was here. Would be easier to just find someone in his own country. There was and won't be any sex before the relationship. So I don't really get why he would bother if he wasn't interested. He's a good looking guy with a great career. I don't know what to think. People will do a lot for amusement... doesn't mean they intend or want to sustain it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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