Ruby Slippers Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 Generally I agree that good men respond well to good women who set a high bar. And why bother getting involved with anyone other than a good man? Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 well me personally my issue with this guy wasnt so much low interest. my issue with the guy was that he isnt sure about marriage. which again do you want to get married? I wouldnt waste my time unless you really dont care about getting married... Criminy, they haven't even slept together, aren't exclusive, and you're talking about marriage? That's a good way to make any man run for the freaking hills. Good lord... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 Criminy, they haven't even slept together, aren't exclusive, and you're talking about marriage? That's a good way to make any man run for the freaking hills. Good lord... high do you think its wise for people who do want to get married to continue dating people who say "im not sure I even want to get married"??? trust me I dont think its wise to push for marriage in the early stages. thats not what my statement was about. I do think its wise to believe a man or a woman when they say "im not sure I want to get married" or anything close to that and consider that as a red flag for someone who knows they want to get married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 I just want someone to seriously commit to me. Guess marriage is the ultimate commitment so that's why I'd like it. I don't care about having a ceremony or wearing a white dress and I'm certainly not going to take any man's surname. I want commitment. My previous relationships were all ridden with commitment issues from the men I was with. So marriage to me is a symbol of sorts. well if you dont care about marriage then what he said shouldn't bother you. that was the only thing that bothered me about what this guy said in case you did want to get married (because if I was in your shoes it would bothered but that was only because I am sure about wanting to be married). if you really dont care (and pretty please be for real and dont try to convince yourself you dont care when you may care) then by all means I would continue to see this dude. because that was the only thing about his cryptic statement that bothers me. now as your dating him if he begins to say sh*t like "im not ready for a relationship" or "im not sure if we even need labels" ruuuuunnnnnnnn! good luck hun Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 4, 2019 Author Share Posted May 4, 2019 high do you think its wise for people who do want to get married to continue dating people who say "im not sure I even want to get married"??? trust me I dont think its wise to push for marriage in the early stages. thats not what my statement was about. I do think its wise to believe a man or a woman when they say "im not sure I want to get married" or anything close to that and consider that as a red flag for someone who knows they want to get married. Were everyone who ever got married 100% sure their whole lives? No chance they were maybe not entirely sure at some point, especially after certain disappointment? One of my best friends has been with someone for 9 years now, and the guy was very pro-marriage from the very beginning, but a lot of time has gone and he still hasn't proposed, despite them having a very good relationship. So my question is - how would you know, if someone who tells you he wants marriage, actually means it? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 I do think its wise to believe a man or a woman when they say "im not sure I want to get married" or anything close to that and consider that as a red flag for someone who knows they want to get married. Agreed, Lorenza is in her late twenties, she cannot really afford to spend years with a man who when it is time to take things to a higher level says "But I told you day one, commitment was not my strong point..." Too many women hang around such men hoping they will change their minds and that "love" will conquer all, to find it doesn't... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 4, 2019 Author Share Posted May 4, 2019 well if you dont care about marriage then what he said shouldn't bother you. that was the only thing that bothered me about what this guy said in case you did want to get married (because if I was in your shoes it would bothered but that was only because I am sure about wanting to be married). if you really dont care (and pretty please be for real and dont try to convince yourself you dont care when you may care) then by all means I would continue to see this dude. because that was the only thing about his cryptic statement that bothers me. now as your dating him if he begins to say sh*t like "im not ready for a relationship" or "im not sure if we even need labels" ruuuuunnnnnnnn! good luck hun He said he's ready for a relationship and already asked to be exclusive. Hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet, but I mean we've only known each other for a month... Spent two evenings together at one occasion, and 3 days together at another occasion. It's still super early. I'm sure he'll ask me to be his girlfriend next time we see each other Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 Were everyone who ever got married 100% sure their whole lives? No chance they were maybe not entirely sure at some point, especially after certain disappointment? One of my best friends has been with someone for 9 years now, and the guy was very pro-marriage from the very beginning, but a lot of time has gone and he still hasn't proposed, despite them having a very good relationship. So my question is - how would you know, if someone who tells you he wants marriage, actually means it? that is true that people who say they are unsure can change their mind but like I have already told you it would be smart for you (if you want to get married) to NOT bank on another mans "maybe" if you want his answer to be "yes" after investing your time and heart into him. you should only entertain a mans "maybe" if you are okay with his maybe being a "no" because that possibility is a reality. maybe he will. maybe he wont. why? because if you invest your time and heart and ends up choosing to not marry you well you accepted that before you got involved so its all good. many women know damn well they want to get married and entertain a mans "maybe" and want to get upset and hurt and wasted years only to find that he did not and will not marry them. does that make sense? again as I also said before this should go for ANYTHING thats important to you. kids, lifestyle, etc. not just marriage. and I want to stress that this is even a concern if you want to get married. and it is also true that a man could lie about anything or totally change his mind. and that would be horrible to date a man who says he wants to get married and ends up all the sudden say hey I dont want to get married at all. but nobody can do anything about that though. relationships take risk. people could lie. people could change their minds. but let that happen to you because he lied and changed his mind. not because he told you what it was and you didnt listen lol. its wise to minimize your risk especially when a guy is giving red flags early on. thats egg on your face later if you choose to ignore. if I want to walk a bridge safety and the signs says "broken wood may fall through" would you cross that bridge? I may very well fall because of that sign. but I may not. or I could cross because any bridge I cross I could fall off of eventhough there are plenty of other bridges that are advertised and built much more safely. so yes a guy who says he wants to get married could change his mind. but thats not on my lack of intelligence. now it would be very stupid of me for him to clearly say he dont want marriage. yet I want marriage. I stick with him. and garsh darn it he ended up not marrying me! like I rather invest time that meant nothing because he ended up totally lying to me and changing. showing me all the right signs then switched up. thats on him. but if he was up front at the beginning??? and I ignored it? fell in love anyway? hope I could change his mind? honey thats on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 He said he's ready for a relationship and already asked to be exclusive. Hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet, but I mean we've only known each other for a month... Spent two evenings together at one occasion, and 3 days together at another occasion. It's still super early. I'm sure he'll ask me to be his girlfriend next time we see each other oh God the separation of exclusivity and being the girlfriend . im not going to get on my soap box here about that one. but yes its early. go with the flow and see where this takes you (again if and only if you really dont care about marriage). Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 Well I told him I have my doubts and would like to reconsider coming over, and he almost immediately booked the tickets to come see me in around two weeks, so I guess we're meeting even sooner. Are you guys sure he has low interest? He was really quick to book the tickets both times Nah , not sure at all , so l'm glad for you he's coming over because l still think it's way too early jumping to conclusions considering, and again he's on his way so willingly. The phone thing , what does he say about it anyway ? Mind you maybe he's just not big on ph calls but we're long distance 1/2 the time and she's not big about the phone. Says it just makes her miss me more and harder do the time away and true , it just upsets her. Anyway , good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 Dear Lorenza, What he told you is he's still bitter and resentful of his past relationships. It's rarely a good frame of mind to start a new relationship. He has hung ups and will most likely make you pay for his past gf's mistakes. Why take a chance on a man like that? You'll be a transition girlfriend to him. Why he's coming to see you? well even emotionally unavailable men want attention from women, companionship and sex. Please guard your heart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 4, 2019 Author Share Posted May 4, 2019 Dear Lorenza, What he told you is he's still bitter and resentful of his past relationships. It's rarely a good frame of mind to start a new relationship. He has hung ups and will most likely make you pay for his past gf's mistakes. Why take a chance on a man like that? You'll be a transition girlfriend to him. Why he's coming to see you? well even emotionally unavailable men want attention from women, companionship and sex. Please guard your heart. He didn't sound neither bitter or resentful, in fact he didn't tell much about his previous relationships, just very in brief while also adding the positives about those women. Also, already had transition girlfriends. He seems to really like me a lot though. And I don't buy that he would take days off work, pay money just to come for attention and amusement, while he can have that in his hometown, cause as I said he is good looking and has a nice personality. Also he's not getting sex from me. I was a bit sceptical of what he said about being cautious and stuff, but him booking another trip to come see me made me much more positive about his intentions. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 He didn't sound neither bitter or resentful, in fact he didn't tell much about his previous relationships, just very in brief while also adding the positives about those women. Also, already had transition girlfriends. He seems to really like me a lot though. And I don't buy that he would take days off work, pay money just to come for attention and amusement, while he can have that in his hometown, cause as I said he is good looking and has a nice personality. Also he's not getting sex from me. I was a bit sceptical of what he said about being cautious and stuff, but him booking another trip to come see me made me much more positive about his intentions. One moment you terminate this relationship and the next you give him an award. Of course men will take time off and travel to spend time with a woman they fancy even when they're still broken inside. I will spare you my many stories. That's alright you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, keep us updated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 4, 2019 Author Share Posted May 4, 2019 One moment you terminate this relationship and the next you give him an award. Of course men will take time off and travel to spend time with a woman they fancy even when they're still broken inside. I will spare you my many stories. That's alright you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, keep us updated. I didn't terminate this relationship, I just said to him that his words made me doubt and that maybe I will put a raincheck on my visit until he figures himself out, to which he answered "I have myself figured out, don't worry - I like you and I'm ready to come visit again, if it will make you more sure that I really want to give this a try" after which we decided on a date and he bought the tickets Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 OP it sounds to me like you are using good judgement and have a good head on your shoulders. You have not rushed into sex and you are exercising healthy skepticism. Therefore I think you should trust yourself and your instincts. I don't see anything too alarming about what this guy has said. Lots and lots of people feel the same as him even if they don't come right out and say it. When you have asked for clarification he has given you reasonable answers. Furthermore his actions show that he is invested and interested and he respects your feelings regarding sex. I'd say he's worth a chance. I mean really, there are never any guarantees of happily ever after to any new relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 I don't see anything too alarming about what this guy has said. Lots and lots of people feel the same as him even if they don't come right out and say it. That's just it. There is a difference between people that *think it* and people that *verbalize it* to their date. I don't want to rain on Lorenza's parade, I just want her to be guarded for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 5, 2019 Author Share Posted May 5, 2019 He started calling me also and writes a lot everyday. He's just so sweet and I really like him. Hope it can work out 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 He started calling me also and writes a lot everyday. He's just so sweet and I really like him. Hope it can work out Give the guy a shot. People are way too quick to jump to conclusions about people. Nobody is perfect, and looking at some of these comments it seems a lot of people are living in glass houses while throwing stones. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 11, 2019 Author Share Posted May 11, 2019 I know its early to talk about it, cause we've known each other.for 1,5 month and have met 3 different times by now, but I think it's important to ask "the hard questions" early on, when it comes to a LDR. So I asked the guy I'm seeing (he lives in another country in Europe, 2h flight away) what would happen if things continue to go well. He said he'd be happy to continue visiting each other often, but it would probably not make sense for one of us to move countries, due to my ongoing studies and where he is in his career but that it shouldn't prevent us from being together. I then said that the distance would have to be closed at some point, to which he answered that he can't see himself moving to my country, but could easily see future with me if I moved to where he is, but that he's afraid that it will be unfair to make me uproot my life while he himself wouldn't. He said I should want to move myself cause he's afraid I would resent him for making me do it otherwise. He has basically everything in his city - a job he loves, bought a house quite recently, he sees his family often. I live abroad (not in my home country, moved when I was 19) I'm completely alone here, still just studying, obviously don't have a job yet that I'm studying for, renting a house that I can only afford with a roommate. I've always hated speaking the local language, have only foreign friends who all plan to leave this place as well and I have myself been questioning my life here. I have never felt happy here. I told him all that and that I'm very open to relocating and he shouldn't even feel guilty since I've never really had a life here, so there's not much to uproot, even after my 10+years here (I only have a cat, but I'm sure I could take him with me if it comes to that). When he heard he said that it sounds like there's future together and that there is a way to move things forward if I'm willing to relocate. Also added that he will then have to show me more of his country next time I visit (in a month) and why it's so great to live there. But I'm a bit worried by what he said in the beginning, when it sounded like he would be ok with just having an LDR or I'm a reading too much into things? I really care about this one. How does this exchange sound to you guys? Does it sound like he means it? He wants us to meet often despite the distance, so if things go well we'll probably be seeing each other once a month, which isn't to bad for an LDR. I wouldn't be able to move his country for 2 more years, does it sound like too long? I have no idea how things normally are with an LDR this is something new and I need guidance lol Have a couple of good friends who made it through the distance and are married now, but they were younger when they did it. They're rooting for me haha Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 11, 2019 Share Posted May 11, 2019 Hi Lorenza, the fact that you're willing to move if all goes well means that there could be a future if all goes well. As for the rest, you're right - it's too early. Please don't focus on what he's said, focus on what he does. And you can't get a clear picture of what he does until you've experienced more time with him. Just take it as it comes. If LDR is too hard, then end it. If all is going well then stay in it. And if you're still in it in two years, then consider moving. Edited to add: is this the guy you posted about who's very cautious? If so, I wouldn't put any faith in him at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 11, 2019 Author Share Posted May 11, 2019 Hi Lorenza, the fact that you're willing to move if all goes well means that there could be a future if all goes well. As for the rest, you're right - it's too early. Please don't focus on what he's said, focus on what he does. And you can't get a clear picture of what he does until you've experienced more time with him. Just take it as it comes. If LDR is too hard, then end it. If all is going well then stay in it. And if you're still in it in two years, then consider moving. Edited to add: is this the guy you posted about who's very cautious? If so, I wouldn't put any faith in him at all. It's the same guy. He said he's cautious, but he isn't really acting that way Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 11, 2019 Share Posted May 11, 2019 Still though, the odds of him flaking are probably higher than someone who has their stuff together. I don't suppose it's also the same LD guy who's a poor communicator? If so, has he upped his communication to acceptable levels? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted May 11, 2019 Author Share Posted May 11, 2019 Still though, the odds of him flaking are probably higher than someone who has their stuff together. I don't suppose it's also the same LD guy who's a poor communicator? If so, has he upped his communication to acceptable levels? Oh yeah, he has improved significantly and it's been getting better each week Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 11, 2019 Share Posted May 11, 2019 Great news. Hang in there and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2019 Share Posted May 11, 2019 You are rushing things. At 1.5 months in, you should not be projecting farther into the future then another 1.5 months & even that is too far. Simmer down. Take one day at a time. Do not even think about a future with him until you reach the 6 month mark. At that point it will be September / October & you can start to wonder whether you will have a date for New Years Eve. Pushing for more than that you will doom this because it won't have a proper foundation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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