Does he sound serious about the future?

[Lorenza]

You are rushing things. At 1.5 months in, you should not be projecting farther into the future then another 1.5 months & even that is too far.

 

Simmer down. Take one day at a time. Do not even think about a future with him until you reach the 6 month mark. At that point it will be September / October & you can start to wonder whether you will have a date for New Years Eve. Pushing for more than that you will doom this because it won't have a proper foundation.

 

I think it's important to at least know where the person is standing, before I let him waste my 6 months. If he could sleep in my bed and share kisses with me, he can also answer if he can imagine an LDR relationship with a girl who will possibly move to him at some point.

[Lorenza]

For example I know now that he wouldn't move to my country of residence. What if that was a dealbreaker? Who would give me back my 6 months, I'd never get them back. I think its important to about serious things rather than what the name of his first puppy was etc

[elaine567]

He has met you 3 times in one and a half months.

He doesn't know you, even the most relationship orientated man would not know what the future holds, so he could promise to not waste your time.

 

LDRs are difficult. The ones that work best are those where a proper everyday relationship has been formed first to give it a secure foundation, then they go LDR. The LDR involves a lot of contact and has a set ending.

It is all about bonding and maintaining bonds despite the distance.

If there is not a secure foundation and a firm end point, the bonds quickly weaken due to frustration, boredom, loneliness, temptation from third parties and a feeling of futility.

[BaileyB]

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/683575-i-left-my-country-her-get-betrayed-broken

 

It’s a different story, but I couldn’t help but think that the quote from Mr. Lucky was also appropriate here...

 

OP, anyone moving countries to be with someone they’ve only met a few times might as well be drawing names out of a hat. There’s no substitute for time together and no shortcuts to compatibility and trustworthiness.

 

You are rushing things. I understand your desire not to waste your time, but the absolute last thing you want to do is make a decision before you have put the time in (in person) to know this this is really going to work. If anything, establishing a new relationship when you are long distance should require MORE time before making major life decisions like moving to another country to be with a person. I wish you luck.

[Lorenza]

He has met you 3 times in one and a half months.

He doesn't know you, even the most relationship orientated man would not know what the future holds, so he could promise to not waste your time.

 

LDRs are difficult. The ones that work best are those where a proper everyday relationship has been formed first to give it a secure foundation, then they go LDR. The LDR involves a lot of contact and has a set ending.

It is all about bonding and maintaining bonds despite the distance.

If there is not a secure foundation and a firm end point, the bonds quickly weaken due to frustration, boredom, loneliness, temptation from third parties and a feeling of futility.

 

The talk was kinda abstract, "would you imagine this and that" type of thing. Nobody can promise not to waste my time, but at least give an some kind of approximation I guess. I was trying to not talk "you and me" but rather "would you like this or that with someone, if things feel right with that person"

[Lorenza]

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/683575-i-left-my-country-her-get-betrayed-broken

 

It’s a different story, but I couldn’t help but think that the quote from Mr. Lucky was also appropriate here...

 

 

 

You are rushing things. I understand your desire not to waste your time, but the absolute last thing you want to do is make a decision before you have put the time in (in person) to know this this is really going to work. If anything, establishing a new relationship when you are long distance should require MORE time before making major life decisions like moving to another country to be with a person. I wish you luck.

 

I never meant moving after meeting only a few times. In one of my posts I mentioned it wouldn't be earlier than two years IF things go well, since I have to finish my masters. In 2 years there would probably plenty of time to find out if its worth moving countries

[BaileyB]

I realize that. My point is - why the pressure to have him “commit” now? Relationships take time to build... You will not know in any relationship that someone is ready to commit - certainly not move countries - in this short period of time. All will be revealed in time...

[elaine567]

Trouble is that if you are going to do this right, this will likely take a lot longer to get to a place of commitment, than any relationship you would have developed at home.

So if your goal is to not waste time, why are you pursuing a relationship where "wasting time" is almost a requirement.

[BaileyB]

Trouble is that if you are going to do this right, this will likely take a lot longer to get to a place of commitment, than any relationship you would have developed at home.

So if your goal is to not waste time, why are you pursuing a relationship where "wasting time" is almost a requirement.

 

Absolutely.

[NuevoYorko]

This is how I see it:

 

You've had 3 dates with a guy, your relationship is not sexual at this time, and he's shared that he's not dating with the goal of long term commitment.

 

Just like any other comparable dating situation people write about on here, yours is far from any kind of potential future, especially since he told you he's not into commitment - which is probably why he's chosen an LDR with little to no relationship responsibilities beyond phone calls (which you had to prod for).

 

That's not to say he's not "into" you. I'm sure he is. And who knows, he might change his mind about a serious relationship.

 

I'm not suggesting you terminate, since you like him a lot, but I would advise that you stay in the reality of today:

 

1.5 months, 3 dates, no sex, he's not dating with the goal of commitment. As long as you're good with this, there's no reason to stop.

[Lorenza]

This is how I see it:

 

You've had 3 dates with a guy, your relationship is not sexual at this time, and he's shared that he's not dating with the goal of long term commitment.

 

Just like any other comparable dating situation people write about on here, yours is far from any kind of potential future, especially since he told you he's not into commitment - which is probably why he's chosen an LDR with little to no relationship responsibilities beyond phone calls (which you had to prod for).

 

That's not to say he's not "into" you. I'm sure he is. And who knows, he might change his mind about a serious relationship.

 

I'm not suggesting you terminate, since you like him a lot, but I would advise that you stay in the reality of today:

 

1.5 months, 3 dates, no sex, he's not dating with the goal of commitment. As long as you're good with this, there's no reason to stop.

 

 

It wasn't 3 dates, first occasion was two separate dates, second 3 whole days spent together and third time 2,5 more days spent together. There's sexual activity but no full blown sex. He never told me he's not into commitment, I wrote in this thread that got merged that he likes the idea of me moving at some point, and that he could see it being long term if things continue to go well, but no rush yet of course

[Lorenza]

Trouble is that if you are going to do this right, this will likely take a lot longer to get to a place of commitment, than any relationship you would have developed at home.

So if your goal is to not waste time, why are you pursuing a relationship where "wasting time" is almost a requirement.

 

I don't like local men in my city and probably never will. Have always always been attracted to men from his country and not so many from there live in the same city as me, so not much choice unfortunately

[NuevoYorko]

It wasn't 3 dates, first occasion was two separate dates, second 3 whole days spent together and third time 2,5 more days spent together.

Ok. Let's make that 5 extra long dates.

 

Personally I have never gotten into serious territory with any woman I've known for 1.5 months. 6 months minimum, and that would have to include a lot of everyday stuff together. I don't think I'm unusual in that.

 

He never told me he's not into commitment,

 

These words mean the same thing, especially the last phrase:

 

"it will take much more to make me fall in love", "I wanted to get married before but not sure anymore due to past heartbreaks. Would take a lot to reconsider"

 

Regarding:

 

I wrote in this thread that got merged that he likes the idea of me moving at some point, and that he could see it being long term if things continue to go well, but no rush yet of course

 

I would not take anything like that to heart after knowing a person for 1.5 months; personally, I would see a woman talking about someone moving to a different country after such a brief time of acquaintance as a serious red flag.

 

He told you where he stands about getting into a serious committed relationship clearly. That's not to say he can't "grow into it" but it's not his goal.

 

Of course he likes you a lot or else he would not be spending his time and money continuously visiting you. I think you can have confidence in that.

 

You've known him for SIX WEEKS. You have not said much about why you are so determined that you want him as your permanent partner. You have feelings, yes; but you don't know him.

 

For your own sake, give it some time. Like ... a year. If you feel like moving to a new country to be near him at that time, I think it would make sense. THEN it would seem sensible to start discovering whether you and he can make the long haul together.

[Lorenza]

I completely disagree that talking about moving countries is a red flag. I never said I'd move for him, I said I'm open to moving for a relationship that's worth it, cause I have no attachments to my current city. How is that a red flag? I don't see it that way at all. As I said it was more of an abstract talk "if things went well,what would you imagine happened?" "Can you see yourself moving countries for a relationship?" "Could you imagine yourself living in x?" "I think in an LDR the distance has to close at some point, what about you?"

Yeah but on loveshack everything's a red. flag.

[Lorenza]

 

You've known him for SIX WEEKS. You have not said much about why you are so determined that you want him as your permanent partner. You have feelings, yes; but you don't know him.

 

For your own sake, give it some time. Like ... a year. If you feel like moving to a new country to be near him at that time, I think it would make sense. THEN it would seem sensible to start discovering whether you and he can make the long haul together.

 

This so frustrating. Again - I said I wouldn't be able to move anywhere for 2 years anyway and at this point I'm not making ANY plans of moving, neither I could ever possibly move within 2 year. And once again - in thos 2 years we'll probably know each other enough to known if its worth it. I am not determined that i want him as a permanent partner - I just like him and want to discover it, but felt like taking about what the general opinion is about long distance relationships, to know if it's even worth to start.

[lana-banana]

You have gotten some incredibly good advice in this thread, even though it's not what you want to hear. I don't have much to say that hasn't already been said except this: LDRs, like all relationships, only work when both partners have shared goals and are equally invested. Based on what you've posted, it doesn't seem like you want the same things at this point and you are unquestionably much more into this guy than he is to you. That makes me think the odds of this working out are against you, regardless of whether you're in the same country.

[chillii]

Yep , it's always one step forward two back trying to explain your stuff in a thread over the net butttt, hopefully ya get something out of it.

Anyway, lmo , your doin the right stuff and talked about the biggies too. that's great and seems you don't like where you are and have no ties, even better.

 

You'll have a few yrs and you'll probably have a lotta times of a few weeks together in that too, not just a few days. And lots of time between seeing each other to think about how things are going.

And only 2hours flight is pretty damn good for a ldr let me tell ya.

To me on what you've said l mean he sounds good and l'd say very legit , but , that's all we have to go on so really , it's not much help tbh but better than negative l suppose.

 

Personally, l think whatever happens , you've got this really. You can go on seeing each other there's no pressure bc ya can't go anywhere for 2yrs anyway . Not much point worrying about 6mths right now , it's the same in any other relationship anyway. Not many wanna waste time on something if it's gonna be a dud but unfortunately if it looks like what you want next thing is to give it a go and just see, there's not really any other way. You be together and get to know each other and see how things align as you go.

l think you've made as good a start as you can and your trying to cover your bases, that's all anyone can do.

Good luck anyway

Edited May 12, 2019 by chillii

[NuevoYorko]

I completely disagree that talking about moving countries is a red flag. I never said I'd move for him, I said I'm open to moving for a relationship that's worth it, cause I have no attachments to my current city. How is that a red flag? .

This is what you wrote:

 

I told him all that and that I'm very open to relocating and he shouldn't even feel guilty since I've never really had a life here

 

Telling him he should not feel guilty about you moving is personal. Different from being open to moving in a generic sense.

 

And now, I anticipate you pointing out how you didn't mean that.

 

You do this a lot.

 

Speaking only for myself: a woman I've seen a few times over 6 weeks talking about the possibility of moving to my country would make my hair stand on end, just like it would if a woman I'd just started dating and had not had sex with brought up moving in together. For the record, I'm actively seeking a life partner; just not one who would go there so precipitously.

 

You might want to take a look at why you feel you need to look for men in other countries. Maybe there is something that makes you want to avoid intimacy yourself.

 

Anyway, I've said my piece. Clearly you have decided that this man has potential to be "Mr. Right." I hope you've found what you're looking for.

[Lorenza]

This is what you wrote:

 

 

 

Telling him he should not feel guilty about you moving is personal. Different from being open to moving in a generic sense.

 

And now, I anticipate you pointing out how you didn't mean that.

 

You do this a lot.

 

Speaking only for myself: a woman I've seen a few times over 6 weeks talking about the possibility of moving to my country would make my hair stand on end, just like it would if a woman I'd just started dating and had not had sex with brought up moving in together. For the record, I'm actively seeking a life partner; just not one who would go there so precipitously.

 

You might want to take a look at why you feel you need to look for men in other countries. Maybe there is something that makes you want to avoid intimacy yourself.

 

Anyway, I've said my piece. Clearly you have decided that this man has potential to be "Mr. Right." I hope you've found what you're looking for.

 

I didn't exactly wrote "you shouldn't be guilty". He said he's a bit afraid that if he'd ever ask me uproot my life there could be resentment, and I answered that i never had attachments to my city so if it happens, then he shouldn't be guilty and that I'm very opened to leaving my city for good. Don't assume people directly quote what they said. You do this a lot.

People simplify their words for the thread.

Well doesn't seem that any of my questions scared him off, so probably I didn't sound so scary as people here are assuming. He's still actively contacting me and is counting down the days until we see each other again.

I dont need to look into why I'm searching for someone in a different country. I dislike local people and their mentality. I really love people from his country, especially their accent, it's just so charming I can't resist it. And I have not met any suitable expats from his country. So wrong again. Love how people on this forum try to imply dysfunction.

[elaine567]

Love how people on this forum try to imply dysfunction.

 

And choosing a man from a different country due to his cutesy accent, is completely normal?

[Lorenza]

And choosing a man from a different country due to his cutesy accent, is completely normal?

 

Again a strawman. It wasn't just due to his accent, as irresistible as it might be. It was because he was the most gentle, funny, generous guy ive met I years and we had an instant connection, also I find him attractive and easy to be around. Oh and people can definitely not have a thing for some nationalities, its sooo abnormal. Finding certain physical traits attractive is ok, but good lord, and accent??

[Lorenza]

Got enough of "advice", the thread can be closed and I'll make sure to never make one again.