Blooperflooper Posted May 11, 2019 Share Posted May 11, 2019 In most groups of friends I've had throughout the years I always ended up being the third wheel. Group A: Two of my closest childhood friends. When we were kids I had equal say in the group, but during my teenage years they kept hanging out with each other and I was left out and only saw them occasionally. To this day they never bother contacting me first and I always end up being left out. When we do hang out i feel out of place since they have a much stronger bond with each other than with me. I've tried to get into their group again and have put a lot of effort to connect but I always end up being left out. Group B: Two former friends I hung out with as a teenager. When I tried joining their discussions I was either interrupted, ignored or ridiculed. Haven't spoken to them in years and don't plan to.Friend C: Closest buddy. Met him when I was 11 I think. We've had multiple fights throughout the years and there have been long periods of time where we haven't spoken with each other, sometimes his fault sometimes mine. But we've always made up and I consider us close. Same problem there though, when I'm invited to hang out with him and his group I get left out. Talked to him on discord last night and he invited a friend of his, let's call him mark. They mostly communicated with internal jokes I didn't get and talked about topics I was clueless about. When I made jokes mark either went quiet or threw passive aggressive remarks at me, I assume it was because I didn't "get" their humor. When I asked for an explanation on topics I didn't understand friend C was the only that tried to fill me in. Friend C mostly focused on Mark and rarely talked to me. Disliked how Mark treated me so I started tossing **** back at him. At one point I got tired of him interrupting me so I shouted "Hey, hey, HEY! can I speak please?". He went quiet and let me speak but I was mostly ignored. Didn't click with Mark at all and I'm going to be honest with friend C and tell him I'm not interested in hanging out with Mark. But either way. I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me. The only friend group where I felt included was with my ex's friends. Any tips on what to do? I'm really sick of being excluded. I get along great with people individually but struggle in groups. Feel free to ask anything if it can help you give me a better answer. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2019 Share Posted May 11, 2019 Some of it is a self fulfilling prophecy. When you feel like you are relegated to the fringes you subconsciously act stand offish. Give yourself a bit of pep talk before you see these folks & remind yourself that you belong & are a valued member of the group. Then act like it. These are long term friendships so you must bring value to the relationship or they would not have lasted that long. It's easier said then done but it's what you have to do. Also try to interact more in person & less on apps & devices. You may have to accept that you are a one on one person & groups aren't your thing. If Mark isn't your cup of tea, so be it. You don't have to be BFFs with everybody. Link to post Share on other sites
kamani Posted May 11, 2019 Share Posted May 11, 2019 You sound very young. How old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blooperflooper Posted May 11, 2019 Author Share Posted May 11, 2019 You sound very young. How old are you? How so? I don't believe my problems have much to do with my age. I'm 22. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 11, 2019 Share Posted May 11, 2019 Truth is people as they age tend to "move away", they make new friendships they have less in common with old friends, they make work/hobby friendships they have romantic relationships... You want a close friend/buddy buddy arrangement but none of these friends are willing to go there with you. It may just be growing apart, it happens, but sometimes it is how we act that drives people away. Look at your own actions here. Are you a good friend to these guys or are you a hanger on, or someone who uses them when you feel like it. If you feel that you are a good friend and they are using/snubbing you, then time to go find some new friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blooperflooper Posted May 11, 2019 Author Share Posted May 11, 2019 Some of it is a self fulfilling prophecy. When you feel like you are relegated to the fringes you subconsciously act stand offish. Give yourself a bit of pep talk before you see these folks & remind yourself that you belong & are a valued member of the group. Then act like it. These are long term friendships so you must bring value to the relationship or they would not have lasted that long. It's easier said then done but it's what you have to do. Also try to interact more in person & less on apps & devices. You may have to accept that you are a one on one person & groups aren't your thing. If Mark isn't your cup of tea, so be it. You don't have to be BFFs with everybody. You might have a point there, the mind can be tricky that way. I try to behave in a manner that shows that I value the group and that I belong, but from my experience I end up excluded either way. Perhaps I should be more persistent or change the way I go about it. I will try pep talking myself. as you said, I might simply be more comfortable spending time with one indivudal over a group. But group dynamics isn't something I can escape completely so I still have to work on that haha. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 11, 2019 Share Posted May 11, 2019 Consider taking the longer-term approach. Everything's transitory and so let things pass while maintaining your participation. If you're "magnanimous" and let others hold the spotlight for longer than you'd like, normally whatever is driving the focus on the other person runs its course and then you can have your turn. It's perfectly normal to feel a need to be social. I'd suggest finding some additional friends, so that you aren't looking for as much emotional support from any one specific friend or set. There are even apps now to help with that should you feel a need to use one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blooperflooper Posted May 11, 2019 Author Share Posted May 11, 2019 Truth is people as they age tend to "move away", they make new friendships they have less in common with old friends, they make work/hobby friendships they have romantic relationships... You want a close friend/buddy buddy arrangement but none of these friends are willing to go there with you. It may just be growing apart, it happens, but sometimes it is how we act that drives people away. Look at your own actions here. Are you a good friend to these guys or are you a hanger on, or someone who uses them when you feel like it. If you feel that you are a good friend and they are using/snubbing you, then time to go find some new friends. Yes people drift apart and they have several relationships to tend to and that's just how life is but I don't think that's the main culprit. I try my best to reflect over my own behavior. I used to be kinda pessimistic and easy to upset. That was a long time ago though and I'm not like that anymore.. Maybe they still see me as that person I'm not sure. I sometimes speak without thinking and because of that I can end up saying something inappropriate (which is not my intent, happens when I'm nervous and I apologize when it happens) I tend to be act awkwardly during conversations if my nerves get the better of me. I'm working on both those things. Other than that I try to be a good friend. I'm usually the one that arranges meetups and tries to keep in touch, but It's rare that they accept. Not saying they're bad friends either. My two childhood friends are much closer to each other than with me so maybe they leave me out unconsciously, I'm not sure. I get along great with the other friend when we're alone but if his other buddies are present he gravitates more towards them. (nothing wrong with that either, but when it happens constantly it can get frustrating.) As previously stated I try to get along with the group but usually fail. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. You might be right that I want a close friendship with people that aren't interested and that something about me is off putting. Food for thought, need to reflect more on this. Thank you for the insightful answer! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 11, 2019 Share Posted May 11, 2019 Just invite one friend to something you both enjoy but not something the other one would be into. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted May 11, 2019 Share Posted May 11, 2019 I don't think there's anything wrong with you, but that says a hell of a lot about them. It's tasteless. But it'd be best to just find a new group of people that you share something in common with, and just move on from the others. Consider it their loss, not yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 perhaps these friends are "not really your tribe" as they say, you are trying to hang out with them because you have known them growing up and they are basically your fall too guys because of that, however your interests and so on have evolved and you are being marginalised really as you are not enjoying the interactions and not contributing enough to the conversations, to begin you need to ask yourself what do you like, what are your real passions? you need to join groups and clubs based on these interests and get yourself out there meeting and interacting with new people, It is easier to make new friends now at the age you are, so take that initial hard step, get out of the comfort zone and start getting involved in things that you enjoy. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 You cant make people be your friends if they dont want to be. If you feel like a 3rd wheel, then you probably are, and should go a different way with different friends. Lots of people out there. Go find people that you get along with, that you enjoy doing things with. These people arent them. And yes, 22 is very young. Link to post Share on other sites
Tagalz Posted May 18, 2019 Share Posted May 18, 2019 I haven’t been reading everything and I think I don’t have to because third wheeling is for the most part almost same to everyone What I can tell you is that I’ve been there. My advice is to see it as a positive way for you to be social and meet new people. We’ve all been there man. I remember I got out of third wheeling when she who is my friend dated a guy and she felt bad that I was third wheeling so she invited a friend to come to keep me in company. The guy also invited ALOT of he’s friend. I remember it was christmas time and we went out ski’ing I eventually hooked up with the girl who my friend invited but I screw that up because I left her after having a one night stand... Link to post Share on other sites
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