Breadcrumb following forced BU

[Rainstorm89]

Hello,

 

I am 5 weeks post BU, almost as long formal NC. I'm the dumpee... although it was kind of a forced breakup due to a lot of pressure and stress I was inflicting on my ex. I know, it took a painful breakup for me to wake up from my blinders of personal pain and see how I was contributing to the downfall of our relationship. I'm really, really working on myself right now.

 

We were best friends and our 2 year long relationship up until 2 months prior to the breakup was communicative, supportive, and validating. **** hit the fan for both of our individual lives and we were both ill-equipped to deal with it, even personally.

 

Anyway, we were planning on a long future together. Both of us excitedly talked often and openly about babies, marriage, our shared dreams. Our families knew we were planning on marriage, he even called my dad 2 weeks prior to breaking up to tell him how committed he was to me (I was freaking out and accusing him of not being committed. There was really no basis for this other than my personal extreme anxiety).

 

The breakup was done by him in a fit of panic and anger (RARE for him to be this way) after I refused to give him time and space to decompress after the most stressful day of his job in 7 years. He said hurtful things, I said hurtful things and agreed we needed time and space, but he insisted that it was a breakup and not a break. He told me he needed time to try to shut his heart down from me but also think about a future together. I moved out of the state and in 5 weeks I'm shocked at how I'm coping. I'm taking care of myself and moving forward in my life and importantly, doing a LOT of hard introspection and internal work to shift my patterns. Of course, I am utterly devastated and trying to let my grief just happen.

 

How I broke NC - 2 weeks after the breakup I did text him asking if he was open to hearing an apology from me, I got no response.

Also, I unpacked more boxes last week and found a lot of meaningful belongings of his from when we had previously moved houses. I mailed them back with a business-like note saying "found these from a box from when we moved. Take care".

 

A few days ago, I got a letter in the mail with my portion of rent for this month which we had prepaid, and a note that said "********, hope you're well and healing. Enclosed is your portion of rent. Love, *********". The check was dated the day he received my package and cold-ish note.

 

Now, I've gone the whole month in grief thinking my partner would rather forget I existed than have anything to do with him. And I get this note? He is an extremely contemplative individual and there is not one manipulative bone in his body. I'm not putting him on a pedestal - he is just a really good person to his core. Also, we had a brief discussion right after the breakup where he agreed to send some things I forgot to take with me on my move. He sent this check but not my stuff (which I don't even want anymore. They are just things.)

 

I'm not of the mindset to play push and pull games. My family and friends think he is testing the waters and that I should remain NC. He didn't have to write a note and he is just not someone to play games.

 

What do I do? It's been almost a week since getting the note and I haven't responded, despite wanting to.

I would want to reconcile at some point. I truly believe we are supposed to be together and can work out, and maybe this is just a ****ty but necessary time for us to work on ourselves and come together stronger. I'm willing to wait and not jump the gun.

Edited May 11, 2019 by Rainstorm89

[SevenCity]

Waiting can cause him to give up and find someone else.

 

You’re note was not a love letter. His had some feelings (“love ...”).

 

When playing games you will often lose. Just tell him how you feel and go from there. You risk getting hurt but it’s better to know than hope it will magically work out one day.

[d0nnivain]

If he is testing the waters, you staying NC tells him that he flunked the test & you are not interested. If you want to reconcile you are going to have to risk rejection. Especially since you claim to have caused the break up by being difficult & picking fights, because you manipulated him into breaking up with you, it is incumbent upon you to reach out if you hope to fix this.

 

Before you do that, ask yourself this -- how would you have handled things differently if you could do it all again & what will prevent you from lashing out again the next time life throws you a curve ball? You said you were ill equipped to handle the s*** hitting the fan. What have magically learned in 5 weeks?

[Rainstorm89]

Thanks for your responses.

 

I definitely don't want to play games. I sat on it for a week because I wanted to give a response that felt right. That's one thing I'm working on - not jumping to knee-jerk reaction when something happens. Letting myself get centered and listen to my intuition.

 

So, I mailed him a small note, nothing too heavy or intense. I said I too hope he is feeling better and healing, and that I think about him every day. Love, (my name). I included a pressed flower, which we would always send to one another when we first dated and lived in separate cities.

 

I don't want to overstep his boundaries, because he really insisted on needing time and space when we broke up, and that I should wait until he comes to me, if ever. Although his letter to me wasn't a direct invitation to dive into things, I do think he is feeling it out... and that him and I are treading the same waters of wanting to be careful and respectful.

 

I do realize, and want to, show him an apology and growth. I can not claim to have dramatically done a 180 in a matter of 5 weeks. But I have done so much as to identify and begin the shift on my patterns, triggers, and coping. I want him to know, if we get to talking more, that I am and always will be committed to consciously understanding and bettering myself. And that I will always be committed to loving him, his dynamics, and his growth.

[Rainstorm89]

If he is testing the waters, you staying NC tells him that he flunked the test & you are not interested. If you want to reconcile you are going to have to risk rejection. Especially since you claim to have caused the break up by being difficult & picking fights, because you manipulated him into breaking up with you, it is incumbent upon you to reach out if you hope to fix this.

 

Before you do that, ask yourself this -- how would you have handled things differently if you could do it all again & what will prevent you from lashing out again the next time life throws you a curve ball? You said you were ill equipped to handle the s*** hitting the fan. What have magically learned in 5 weeks?

Well, I ended up not mailing.... forgot it was Sunday and the letter was still in my mailbox last night. Oops. I decided to text instead last night, saying thank you for the kind note, I hope you're healing and feeling better also, that I think about you every day. Haven't heard anything back. Our roommate said he left for a trip (that was supposed to be our trip together) and his phone will be off after the 14th for two weeks.

 

Trying to not read into not hearing anything back, given that he knows he will be out of communication for 2 weeks and just didn't respond. Maybe that means he just really isn't interested.

 

My roommate said he told her he's going to try to clear his head. I wish I knew what was going on... whether he is trying to forget me, or whether he is thinking about a second chance at the life we had...

 

Hard to tell when silence should be taken as a "move on", or if someone is just thinking. I feel like my healing is stalled.