Is forgiving and forgetting possible in a relationship?

[DrPhilsPubes]

Don’t know if this belongs here but here it goes.

 

My ex and I broke up back in October and Recently got back together in the beginning of April. During the months we were apart he hurt me pretty bad and said/did some disrespectful things that I couldn’t believe it was really still him.

 

Now that we’re back I thought that I could forgive him and move on into the new relationship. But I am still extremely hurt and can’t seem to not think about it from time to time. I’ve talked to him about it but he didn’t want to talk and we didn’t actually have a real conversation. Also I was drunk.

 

Is it possible to move past these things or do these things ultimately end a relationship.

[GTR King]

what did he say/do to hurt you?

 

Why did you 2 break up in the first place?

[major_merrick]

The answer is....sometimes, and it depends on you. My husband and I dated when we were younger, and go in some terrible fights. Said terrible things, cheated on each other, cheated on others with each other, etc... We were generally pretty awful. I have a tendency to be aggressive and physical, so there were times that I struck him too.

 

We stayed friends even after the breakup, through his unsuccessful first marriage, and we got back together about a year and a half ago. I still think a lot about our early days together, and I know he does too. But we've learned how to deal with each other and our relationship works.

 

If I may ask, how old are the two of you? Sometimes getting older is the key. For me, I had to approach 30 before I finally settled down. You may also need more time. My husband and I had years of staying friends and being somewhat distant before we could get back together. Your breakup was just six months ago - not saying that people don't grow and change in that time, but it is tough to work things out if the memories are that fresh.

 

If you really want your new relationship to work, you'll have to talk this out when you are both sober. And maybe involve a third person, like a trusted friend, religious advisor, or even a paid counselor. Someone neutral to mediate your discussion, keep things civil, and draw out how both of you really feel.

[d0nnivain]

It's theoretically possible but it's improbable in your situation. You simply got back together. You did not address any of the things that broke you apart & you are not dealing with the new hurts. So this is doomed. You can't bury your head or your feelings in the sand & expect things to magically be OK.

[DrPhilsPubes]

what did he say/do to hurt you?

 

Why did you 2 break up in the first place?

 

I had to move back to my hometown for about 3 months and during the second week of me being gone he found someone else. While were still hanging up the phone saying I love you and had plans for him to come down for thanks giving. We’d been broken up by this point but I had plans on getting back together. I expressed this to him the moment he told me about this new girl. He said he’d like that too. He led me on for about about a month saying we were going to take things slow when I got back up there. That I was the best thing that’s every happened to him and he didn’t want me out of his life. So I move back up according to plan then a week later he tells me we can’t get back together. That he’s sorry over text. He says he’s going to get some sleep call me later and we’ll talk. Around 9pm that night I make a trip over to his place (I know a little insane) and the new girl answers the door. We talk and he tried to manipulate the situation and say “he’s been saying we weren’t getting back together” which really hurt because he couldn’t even take responsibility for his actions. A month later he comes back around saying he doesn’t want me out his life but the same pattern repeats. Not answering my text or calls for weeks at a time too. Finally I go NC and two months later he comes back after him and the new girl breakup fully ready to commit but acts as if nothing happened in between our break.

 

I originally broke it off because he didn’t make me a priority, didn’t respect me, and needed to grow up. And I thought I was a crutch in his growth because he always knew I’d be there when he fell ex: bills, rides, etc.

 

Sorry for the long explanation

[DrPhilsPubes]

The answer is....sometimes, and it depends on you. My husband and I dated when we were younger, and go in some terrible fights. Said terrible things, cheated on each other, cheated on others with each other, etc... We were generally pretty awful. I have a tendency to be aggressive and physical, so there were times that I struck him too.

 

We stayed friends even after the breakup, through his unsuccessful first marriage, and we got back together about a year and a half ago. I still think a lot about our early days together, and I know he does too. But we've learned how to deal with each other and our relationship works.

 

If I may ask, how old are the two of you? Sometimes getting older is the key. For me, I had to approach 30 before I finally settled down. You may also need more time. My husband and I had years of staying friends and being somewhat distant before we could get back together. Your breakup was just six months ago - not saying that people don't grow and change in that time, but it is tough to work things out if the memories are that fresh.

 

If you really want your new relationship to work, you'll have to talk this out when you are both sober. And maybe involve a third person, like a trusted friend, religious advisor, or even a paid counselor. Someone neutral to mediate your discussion, keep things civil, and draw out how both of you really feel.

 

 

I’m 21 he is 27. Thank you! I know I should’ve done it sober I was just a little drunk and got emotional! This gives me hope though.

[major_merrick]

If he is 27 and relying on you to catch him when he slips up on bills, needs a ride somewhere, etc... then he's got issues beyond your relationship. He hasn't grown up, and is not an effective provider. Your assessment that he needs to grow up is quite correct! As soon as you move away, he finds someone else and won't tell the truth about it. That's not honorable. I've always respected my husband for being very clear with me about where we're at. You shouldn't have to be uncertain about your relationship status. You shouldn't have to put money into him to keep his life afloat.

 

Talk with him, have a mediator, but be very clear about the exact issues that worry you. Don't conceal anything, and demand a response. Demand responsibility as a condition for having a relationship.

 

Does he have any older male friends or mentors? A father? Your guy sounds like he has some manhood stuff to work out. Men respect other men, and learn from capable mentors. If he didn't have that opportunity when he was younger, he may need some of that help now. That kind of relationship will help his relationship with you.

[BaileyB]

To be very honest, I have no idea why you took him back. I wouldn’t have done that.

 

Relationships that are on again/off again are generally not healthy relationships that go the distance.

 

If you do not learn from history, you will be doomed to repeat it.

[Blanco]

You're 21! Get out! Your other thread made it clear that this guy has not grown in your time apart, where as you did. That you're this young makes it even more ridiculous that you would waste another week on this relationship.

[Gaeta]

No, you will never forget or forgive him. And you should not.

 

 

 

There are things you can forgive a boyfriend, you can forgive him being insensitive if he apologizes but you never forgive a boyfriend for disrespecting you and cheating on you.

 

 

 

People don't change. Soon he'll revert to being his same arsehole. I hope this time you move on for real.

[mark clemson]

Given his lying and cheating behavior and the fact that you're so young, IMO you should indeed forgive and forget - and also move on.

 

Showing up to find out he lied and has another woman over? Don't stick around for more of this nonsense.