The downward spiral and a birthday party

[Humantk]

My ex girlfriend and I broke up nearly three years ago. At first I didnt know why, it became clearer when she started dating a coworker. I truly tried to get over her. I posted on this board, got in shape and even was in a short relationship in 2017 that ended very poorly.

 

I would still see my ex 3-4 times a year at social gatherings of similar friends/family. The first few times I would try and flirt with her, stupidly. One time we were all at the beach and I bought her ice cream after telling her she looked hot in the suavest way I could (she was sweating, I said she looked hot, she replied "yeah the heat is terrible" I said "I wasnt talking about the weather") which was STUPID.

 

But I digress.

 

Since I finally saw her and her boyfriend together in late 2017, over a year since our relationship ended I stopped caring. I saw how truly in the past I was and how much she really didnt care about me. We never talked after splitting up, I did go and keep NC except for the times we would see each other where I broke NC bc... well I'm ****ing weak. But ever since then...

 

I lost my job.

 

Gained 100lbs.

 

Havnt allowed myself an ounce of intimacy.

 

Did a lot of drugs (lsd/cocaine) plus abused recreational drugs like Alcohol/weed pretty much every day.

 

Lost my house (I'm getting evicted June 14th)

 

It's been a pretty crazy downward spiral. Not all terrible as I've gone back to school to pursue something I am passionate about. But I'm in pretty bad shape. I still dream about her damn near every night which is terrible bc sleeping has become very important to me. It's the most productive part of my day.

 

Today is our godsons second birthday party but I'm choosing not to go. It's the first time she will be somewhere we are both invited to that I am choosing not to be apart of. I dont know if its a good decision or a bad one. I desperately hope she notices I'm not there, which is a terrible reason to not go. But I also know that I get sunk into major depressive episodes when I know I'm gonna see her in weeks lead up to/after said event.

 

I really hate having to be alive. But I have family members who I need to stay alive for. So Ive made the choice to kill myself slowly. Hopefully I'll have only 5 or 10 more years left of this nonsense.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy or advice. I honestly am probably not going to come back on here and look at the responses. I wanted to get this out there because at least for today it will be a little cathartic.

 

My love doesnt love me.

 

I feel like a waste. The only thing I ever loved is totally fine not loving me. I've had a (adopted) brother and a sister die in the last 2 years and I dont care at all. I spent 10 years of my life living with them and all I care about is the girl who dont care about me. (That's why I gotta stay alive, my father doesnt deserve that. I also have an awesome nephew from my only blood brother who thinks the world of me. That really keeps me going more then anything.)

 

I hope if you've had a rough breakup and you're reading all this it makes you feel better. Maybe that you're handling it better then you thought compared to me. Either way this has been a little shot of methadone in my fight against my biggest addiction. So thanks.

[preraph]

Sorry you're going through so much. I don't blame you for skipping the party. I'm glad you are motivated enough to get some new education and have a sort of plan. Maybe you can hit reset.

 

Literally everyone has one they loved and lost. It's very hard to deal with. In the end, you have to accept that 1) They were not who you hoped they were or they'd have loved you back ; and 2) They have information you do not have; that is, she knows that there is something between you two that was a dealbreaker for her. In other words, she knows you were not right for her. It's hard to accept but love comes from within yourself. Just because we feel that for someone does not at all mean that they are destined to feel it back. We have it inside us and we give it. The good news is once you accept it wasn't the right person, you can take that love and give it to someone else when you're ready.

 

We tend to love who we hope someone is, not who they really are, and the longer we know them, that begins to fall apart on one or both ends as we see who they really are. Some people choose to overlook it and pretend there's not this issue, but it's best to accept reality and move on.

 

Please realize that you have the power within you to choose to stop being miserable and self-destructive. You are the ONLY person who has the power to make yourself accept things and move on. No one has that kind of control over you except you, not her, not God. Your life is in your own hands and you can take control and do whatever you want moving forward.

 

Good luck.

[The Outlaw]

Sometimes you have to put yourself first before anyone else. Who cares if she cares that you aren't there? As harsh a reality as it is, sometimes those things that happen to us that we hate the most happen to be the best things that could ever happen to us. I've hit a few rough patches in the past few years but I'm still standing, and I'm going to keep going. Sure, I've thought about giving up. I've thought about ending it. You say you've got a father and that needs you and a nephew that looks up to you? Don't just stick around for them, stick around for you as well. Don't give up and don't give in.

[d0nnivain]

It's a good decision to remove yourself from a situation that will cause you pain.

 

Take some time, get off the drugs, focus at school, lose some weight & when you are in a better place you can deal with her next year.

[Blanco]

Life is funny. We can experience something bad, but then if it's followed by a really good thing or two that wouldn't have been possible without that bad experience, we can say that the bad thing was kind of meant to be. Conversely, a bad experience followed by more bad times can falsely reinforce that the bad thing really was horrific and all but ruined our lives.

 

I went through a tough breakup many years ago and then experienced several unrelated tough situations in the couples years that followed. Because I hadn't fully gotten over the breakup or met someone knew, those bad experiences only added to this feeling that the breakup was way worse than I'd originally felt.

 

The reality is, they weren't really connected to the breakup other than me associating each roadblock as yet another thing to deal with on top of my healing from the breakup.

 

This breakup for you still feels so dire because you've let all aspects of your life fall apart, and so you've convinced yourself that she was it and that life without her is pointless. But man, that's just not the case. You were with her for most of your adult life, so of course you think she's irreplaceable, especially now that you've let your quality of life deteriorate.

 

You might feel hopeless, but while you're still here, do yourself a favor and just focus on incremental improvements. Get exercise. Eat better. Dive into your studies so that you can prosper in this new career that you sound excited and passionate about. Lay off the drugs. Clean your home. Remind yourself that you really don't know how happy or unhappy your ex is with this man. Reading your other threads, you mention he's 20 years older than her. Believe me, they will face their own struggles, if they aren't already.

 

In short, if you're going to be here, then why not at least shore up the aspects of your life you've let slide over the last year? You might find it helps reconfigure your outlook on other things.

[Highndry]

I think you should talk to a therapist. Good luck.