I can’t let her go. What can I do?

[Tom1231]

Hey guys,

 

I have kind of a big problem for a few month now.

 

In January I met this girl more or less by accident. We started talking, went on a date and she said that she is “not looking for something rn” (she broke up with her bf two weeks ago but I didn’t know that, anyways).

 

We kept talking and she frequently invited me to go out with her for a month. Then we started to hang out everyday of the week until late in the night, watch netflix, flirt, cuddle, talk about our lifes, our past, future, etc... Well, at this point I thought that she might be over her ex, people thought we were actually dating, and one night at a party, it completely escalted because a friend asked her about us and she said that we would be only friends. That hurt.

 

I went to talk to her in person and told her:” I was interested in you and you should be aware of that and still you lead me on like this. I am over it now. But it hurt”. I told her that I do not think that this friendship is something that I can enjoy. She told me that she will try to change.

 

However, basically the same stuff (flirting, cuddling, etc...) started to happen again a week or two after I talked to her (idk why I even let it happen). And, who would expect it, I got hurt again after she said that we would only be friends. So, I talked to her, again. I said the same stuff as before and she said: “Ill try to change”, which made me kinda angry and I got a little angry and told her that I don’t wanna be friends with her anymore.

 

Well, one might think problem solved, but. Right after I said that she almost started to cry, kicked me out, and texted me that she is hurt. My stupid ass got also sad and well I said we can try it.

 

And wow, guys guess where I am rn. . .

 

We still kept hanging out every day, cuddling, watching netflix, she would always flirt with me, etc. . .

 

I don’t know what to do. I have feelings for her. She (if you trust what she said all the time) doesn’t. However, she also doesn’t want to let me go. What am I supposed to do? I started leaving her on read / not hang out in the past few days but I am sure she (or one of her friends) will ask about my behavior in the next weeks.

 

I know I will get hurt staying friends with her, but I also don’t wanna hurt her since I like her.

 

Normally I am pretty chill about getting in the friendzone but with her I got too attached after all that happened and now I am stuck.

 

I hope you guys can give me some tips!

[preraph]

Date other people. I don't know what her problem is, but "I'll try to change" is a clear indication she doesn't feel like being romantic. Not sure what you think is flirting, she thinks is flirting. Don't think she thinks cuddling is flirting. I think she's made you her little teddy bear or something and she's been pretty clear that's all she wants. I wouldn't care if she wanted me to leave or not. She doesn't want you the same way. You're indulging her only because you thought it was going somewhere, and so that to her seemed like a nice indulgent friend to have. So I say dump her, really. But if you must keep her as a friend, date other people and don't let her mess that up for you.

[TooBad]

She didn't lead you on. She was very clear. You just didn't want to listen.

 

 

Aside from that, stop playing games with her.

[preraph]

Well, I do totally get that these twits who think cuddling with platonic friends is a thing at a minimum have boundary problems. You see that on here fairly regularly.

[Tom1231]

I do not need to be offended. There are more signs of hers that I didn’t elaborate on. Furthermore, we both are shy and young.

I will take your advice anyways. Thanks.

[The Outlaw]

I get that you like her and don't want to hurt her feelings, but right now, you're only hurting yourself. She won't change. Anything and everything that has happened before is just going to happen again. And whether she was consciously leading you on or not, I'm not sure, but it still wasn't right. I've been in your shoes before, and like you, it hurt. But it was the best thing that ever happened to me because she wasn't worth it, and never would have been. I wised up quite a bit and learned from it. But the best thing you can do is move on and find someone that you're compatible with that will want more than just a friendship with you.

[Tom1231]

The Outlaw, thanks for your response.

Exactly that’s how I feel and hearing that it helped to let go let’s me view the situation from a different perspective. Some of my friends still say that she is not sure about her feelings. I might just check back with her in 5 month or so (under the condition that I am still single and interested which is highly unlikely lol). Probably Ill never get close to her tho.

Thank you!

[Marc878]

 

In January I met this girl more or less by accident. We started talking, went on a date and she said that she is “not looking for something rn” (she broke up with her bf two weeks ago but I didn’t know that, anyways).

 

You are her rebound.

 

Those rarley work out well

 

You are all in expecting the moon. She isn't.

 

If you chase she'll move away from you

[Scarlett.O'hara]

From an outside perspective it seems like you have become a surrogate boyfriend for her right now.

 

Think about it. You met her two weeks after her breakup and you almost immediately became her primary support and comfort. You see each other all the time, yet it hasn't crossed that line from cuddling and flirting into something more. You're doing all the boyfriendy things, minus the sex.

I'm sure there have been countless opportunities to take it to the next level if she had wanted to, but deep down she doesn't feel that way about you.

 

That being said, I don't doubt that she is desperate to keep you around because you fill a big void left by her ex, and if you don't give her that anymore, she has to face the reality that her relationship with her ex is over. It sounds like she is having difficulty dealing with the thought of being alone.

 

I can see how easy it would be for you to caught up in it. She has offered so much of her time and attention, and made it clear how much she needs you, how could you resist coming back for more? It's understandable. Just keep in mind that for her this is most likely about needing someone to fill the void left by her boyfriend.

 

That is why people warn against dating someone on the rebound or in your case building a new friendship during a breakup.

 

My advice would be to save yourself the pain and disappointment by cutting her off now. No good will come of it for you. There are better options out there.

[Tom1231]

Thank you for your answer!

 

That's what I think too, I am a placeholder until something better comes along or she is accepting the break up with her ex. I am not texting her rn but she is still texting me every day. It's hard.

 

Talking about that she doesn't want to go further (sex) might be my own fault tho. She once touched my lower parts while watching Netflix "by accident", I didn't know what to do Since I didn't expect that and just said "um okay you good?", yeah I kinda f***** up there. I just didn't feel like it since she said we are friends and I just didn't know how to feel then. There were like 2 more situations where she obviously tried but I just couldn't, I would have not enjoyed it. I would have probs gotten even more attached and then she would have hit me with the FWB or so. I guess it was the best choice.

 

Anyways, I will stop talking to her now. I decided to not get her a birthday present for her birthday and also try to avoid opening her snaps and stuff.

[Blind-Sided]

I've posted about this before... but in my younger years... I had that same friend. We would go to dinner, movies, hang out, even some light fooling around. But she had a rough patch, and I was her rebound. (sort of) I was hurt when she said she didn't want anything solid. It took a while, but once I came to that conclusion... and I knew she wouldn't be hurt by me dating others... I actually was able to use her to set me up with her friends.

 

 

With that said... if you are a true rebound/filler for her... then she may not really want you to date others. So, unfortunately... you either need to break it off, or start seeing someone else and see if she can handle that.