Retroactive jealousy

[Zimmermann]

Hello all,

 

So, I am suffering from retroactive jealousy, and i feel like it's messing up my head really bad right now.

 

To give you some background, I am 24 years old and have been dating this girl for about 9 months. She's two years older than me, 26. I had never experienced sex or romantic relationships, or dating of any kind before I met her. Our relationship has been very great, as in almost all RJ stories I have read.. And i really hope i could be happy with her.

 

So, now to the RJ part. In short, the things my girlfriend has told me she has done when she was younger disgust me and i do not know if i can get over it.

 

I never asked about her past when we started dating. However, as we started talking about sex after a few weeks of dating, some things came up. She told me that she has had her "wild times" and if had known what she was like when she was younger, i wouldnt want to be with her (i never asked specifically, but i think she referred to about ages 15-22). She told me that she experienced her first time at 17. She told me she was once pregnant (while in a relationship and despite using protection), but didnt end up having the baby due to various reasons (thats another stroy). I basically said that i can accept all this, which is how i actually felt at that time.

 

Later, I have also got the impression, based some things which she has "slipped" in our regular conversations, that she was a kind of cheap and easy girl to put it straight. She has also told me that she didn't have much dignity and was very prone to pleasing the person she was with and let herself be treated badly. My impression is that she has had many short relationships, one-night stands and that sort of things. I haven't asked how many persons she has been with, and I dont even want to know that. It's bothering me enough already. These are the things that bother me the most.

 

I havent actually asked any details about her sexual past except once. I asked how the relationship between her and the father of the baby ended. She told me that it was actually not a relationship, more like a friends with benefits sort of thing, where she wasn't respected. It was also revealed to me that she was 16 at the time, a year younger than when she first told me she had lost her virginity. So maybe it was just a small lie to not make me feel bad having been a virgin at 24, i dont know. I havent asked. However, the fact that she lied about that just makes me think she has done so many things she is ashamed of. Actually she has said that she wouldnt have done half the things she has if she could now decide. She has said she was a different person before. I believe her (her "wild" times are gone and she was in a relationship of 4 years before meeting me). But that kind of statement just makes me feel even more disgusted. I know that a should view a person as they are now, but i also believe that we are all a sum of the things we have done in our lives. Her past cannot be changed, but i dont know can i change the way i feel either.

 

I personally didnt have much of a "normal" social life let alone dating life until i met her because i was focusing 100 % on my studies and playing sports. I have been very succesfull in those areas so my "sacrifices" have paid off and i was very happy with my life and the choices i made even though i experienced loneliness sometimes. However, right now i have so many regrets that i havent been socially or sexually active earlier. I feel like i have missed out on a lot, which is how i would feel even without all this RJ thing. However, i regocnize that i feel the regret partly because i dont have anything to "compensate" for the things she has done and experienced. I feel like the regret and RJ are feeding each other and i feel really bad right now. The pain is like nothing i have ever experienced.

 

Im soon turning 25 and there is still time to gain some more sexual experience. I know this idea doesnt make any sense because i would like to be with her and im not the kind of person who would go on to have one night stands etc just for the sake of having them. She loves me in way i think no one else ever could. I just dont know if i can genuinly love her. However, i fear that if i cant get over my RJ or our relationship fails for some other reason, i would regret not going for something else when i still had the chance.

 

Is there some advice anyone could give me regarding any of the things i have written? I would deeply appreciate any help, thoughts and comments. I would like to hear anyones honest opinion on how i should view all this and what i should do. I have already set up a meeting to begin some sort of therapy. Im also wondering should i tell my gf about my condition. She has told me i can tall to her about anything and maybe she could help me. I just dont want to make her feel bad about anything. Im also thinking should i just ask her straight about her bodycount. I know i maybe wouldnt like the answer but what her real number was something i could accept. What do you think is an acceptable number?

 

Thank you everyone in advance!

[d0nnivain]

You don't have retroactive jealousy. You are judging a 26 year old woman for immature behaviors she did when she was a teen. That is not fair. Most people do more growing up between 21 & 25 then they do between 15 & 20.

 

You are jealous that you didn't sow wild oats. Now that you have gained some self confidence because of your experiences with her, you think you are better then her & you are judging her in a mean way.

 

Never ask people about their #. It's rude & only leads to problems. Assume everybody you meet has a past. After the age of 18, you are going to be hard pressed to find people who don't have some history, you being one of the exceptions that proves the rule.

 

Let her go because she doesn't need you judging her. She is entitled to find a man who loves her, warts & all, for the person she is now not the misguided child she was. Do not share with her that you developed such a low opinion of her. Telling her that will only hurt her more (although it could piss her off enough that her anger spurs her to run away from you in a healthy manner).

[Zimmermann]

Thank you for your answer!

 

I just want to point out that im not judging her or at least im trying not to. I know she cant change her past but that doesnt make it go away. I just dont know if i can get over these feelings as much as i would like to. I wouldnt want to let her go because of a thing like this because i know this is just something thats inside my head. Any advice what i could do to solve this issue?

[Caauug]

d0nnivain, you nailed it.

 

 

Now, if she offers a body count take note. Do not say another word about it but never forget. If by chance a few years down the road and you suspect that body count could have changed ask again.... It worked for me.

[doyathinkso]

The seed of your incompatibility has been planted and will grow.

 

Chalk her up to experience. That is all she is to you now. The one who took your virginity but not your future. This is as it should be.

 

Time to move on. You're growing up.

[d0nnivain]

Any advice what i could do to solve this issue?

 

Remind yourself that her past doesn't matter as much as her present. She is with you now. She is a good GF. She is being faithful. Focus on what matters; not what happened before you ever met her.

 

When I was in college I had zero interest in a LTR. My longest relationship was about 6 weeks. I loved the thrill of the chase. Now 30 years later should my husband of 10+ years divorce me because I wasn't ready to settle down when I was a teen?

 

You are the one making this an issue. You can stop.

Edited May 12, 2019 by d0nnivain

[DKT3]

I once heard someone say "the issues that end relationships was always an issue In the relationship ". You have a problem with who she was, and despite what is being said, probably still is to a degree. People don't really change, most just modify their behavior and simply get better at hiding or coping with it. True change require alot. But can be easily undone and without much notice.

 

Odds are you will never accept who she was/ may still be, that's not her fault, that's on you. She has been honest with you about her past if you cant accept it and love her for who she was/is then you need to move on. You cant fix it, you can only accept it or not.

[elaine567]

What she did "disgusts" you and that is not something you can get over.

Disgust is not something that can be erased easily. She is "unworthy" in your eyes and that will lead to contempt.

 

This is complicated by the fact that your sexual history is somewhat lacking so you have nothing to offset her "wild times".

 

This is not going to work. Let her go before you let your contempt ruin her sense of well being and self esteem.

She has already been mistreated by men, she doesn't need your "judgement" on top...

[BaileyB]

Exactly, and if you can’t accept it, you have to end it with her. You should not continue to date her and “punish” her for the things she has done in the last.

 

Has she made some poor decisions - absolutely. Now, if she was 40 and still living this way... I would say, this is not the girl for you. But she was a young girl and let’s face it, young girls sometimes do stupid things. Sometimes, they do things that they don’t really want to do to please a guy. It’s a sad reality of life.

 

But with age, comes maturity (hopefully). It sounds like she has learned from her mistakes, she has owned them, and she has been honest with you. She has hopefully learn enough to leave those things in her past, and settle into a healthy relationship with you. So, I would encourage you to let it go. Give her a chance. But, like any relationship, keep your eyes open and if you see anything in her present day behaviour that is a red flag - let it go. Best wishes.

[Gaeta]

She was young and experienced her sexuality. It's behind her now, she doesn't wonder about what's it's like anymore, she knows what it's like and she chosed to be with 'you'. On the other end you had 0 experience before her and looking at a life time of 'wondering' how it would be with someone else. You 2 are not in the same place, you need to part, let her find a man that will understand and appreciate her maturity, and you need to move on to finish growing.

[smackie9]

I think you have been waiting for someone to tell you this...... Now that you have tossed your V-card, it's time to smash yourself a variety of chicks...so sow your own wild oats before you commit to just one girl. I say dump her and have at it...get lots of strange under yer belt or you are going to regret it.

[OatsAndHall]

Honestly, her past is none of your business given that fact that it isn't directly affecting your relationship now. It's only an issue because you're making it one within you head.

 

 

 

You have one of two choices:

 

 

1. Keep playing "Chasing Amy" and call things off with her. However, I have even money that says you will regret this as it sounds like you have a quality relationship on your hands. Your "retroactive jealousy" will probably dissipate in a hurry a week after the break up...

 

 

 

2. Read my first statement, make it your mantra and get over it. Again, what she did when she was younger isn't your business. It's only having a negative affect on your relationship because you're allowing it to do so. It's a different story if her past is coming back an directly impacting your relationship but it's not.

 

 

 

I would suggest going with #2, get over it and keep quiet about your reservations. If a woman claimed to be upset over what I did in my teens and twenties, she wouldn't need to call it off with me; I'd beat her to the punch.

[Mickle]

What she did "disgusts" you and that is not something you can get over. Disgust is not something that can be erased easily. She is "unworthy" in your eyes and that will lead to contempt.

This is complicated by the fact that your sexual history is somewhat lacking so you have nothing to offset her "wild times".

This is not going to work. Let her go before you let your contempt ruin her sense of well being and self esteem.

 

Elaine has hit the nail on the head, in your mindset, she is unworthy of you, this is something you will never get over with her or any future girlfriend until you accept she like most females do not come to you directly from a convent, your lack of sexual maturity will always be the elephant in the room until you deal with it.

 

My Wife was a complete party girl at university, yet she left with a first and a second, when we got married two of her Exs were within the wedding party.

 

People do things in their formative years that they may look back and thing "Wow", shourly I didn't do that?.

[Mr. Lucky]

Her past cannot be changed, but i dont know can i change the way i feel either.

 

Sounds like both of you have pasts filled with mistakes and regrets, not an unusual situation. She wishes she'd done less, you wish for more, different sides of the same coin.

 

What would be a mistake is for you to commit to a LTR with the first woman you've ever slept with. Even if she was a virgin, you'd still spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loversquarrel]

Honestly, her past is none of your business given that fact that it isn't directly affecting your relationship now.

 

She offered the information.

 

I don't believe a person's past is none of the others business. I think it's a mistake to not know someone's past as it helps determine who they are as a person. Now when I say this I'm not meaning it to be exclusive to just someone's sexual past, I'm meaning their entire past (family, friends, jobs, etc.). It's part of really getting to know a person to see if they meet your values, interests, needs, etc. Sexual history is a part of this, if two people aren't sharing the same sexual values, wants and desires then that can and most often will cause problems down the road.

 

OP, she just isn't the one for you. You don't match eachother's sexual values. You are regretful you don't have enough and she has too much for your liking. It's not a problem it's just how it is. The only issue is the disgust, as that is judgemental, but it's OK to not feel right with it because she doesn't match you. Don't settle for her, you don't have to.

 

I think your biggest problem that needs addressing isn't so much her past vs your past, but rather why you feel she's the only one that could feel this way toward you. There are plenty of good matches out there for you, work on your confidence and don't settle.

[The Outlaw]

Don't ever ask her about her number of partners before you. That's personal and should be left at that. And if you don't feel you could genuinely love her, let her go. It's just going to be one sided and end poorly.

[loversquarrel]

Don't ever quell yourself from asking or talking about anything in a relationship. Keeping things in is a bad wayof dealing.

[OatsAndHall]

She offered the information.

 

I don't believe a person's past is none of the others business. I think it's a mistake to not know someone's past as it helps determine who they are as a person. Now when I say this I'm not meaning it to be exclusive to just someone's sexual past, I'm meaning their entire past (family, friends, jobs, etc.). It's part of really getting to know a person to see if they meet your values, interests, needs, etc. Sexual history is a part of this, if two people aren't sharing the same sexual values, wants and desires then that can and most often will cause problems down the road.

 

OP, she just isn't the one for you. You don't match eachother's sexual values. You are regretful you don't have enough and she has too much for your liking. It's not a problem it's just how it is. The only issue is the disgust, as that is judgemental, but it's OK to not feel right with it because she doesn't match you. Don't settle for her, you don't have to.

 

I think your biggest problem that needs addressing isn't so much her past vs your past, but rather why you feel she's the only one that could feel this way toward you. There are plenty of good matches out there for you, work on your confidence and don't settle.

 

 

A person's past explains who they were in the past and it only has bearing on the present if those behaviors continue. If the OP's gf is monogamous with him and isn't displaying risky sexual behaviors at this point in her life then it truly isn't his business, regardless of whether she shared it openly or not.

 

 

 

I spent college years partying and sleeping around; I spent my fair share of nights sneaking in and out of the girls dorms and sororities and doing all kinds of stupid chit. I'm not proud of my actions back then but I was young, dumb and generally very drunk. I'm not proud of what I did in those days but if I was going to behave like a drunken gigolo, I'm glad that it happened then and not now.

 

 

 

I don't share my wild college stories with women I date because it doesn't define who I am now, I haven't participated in those risky behaviors in almost two decades and it doesn't impact our relationship so it's none of their business. I don't sleep around, I can count on one hand the number of times I drink in a year and only have one in a sitting when I do and I'm a much, much different person now.

Edited May 22, 2019 by OatsAndHall

[ElKay]

I've been grossed out about this in the past, especially since I'm a bit of a germaphobe...

What I tell myself is that the body's cells change and replace themselves with new ones, so the person that slept with many others is technically renewed now...

[Mrin]

"I'm really glad we discussed our past sexual exploits," said no happy couple ever.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Retroactive jeolousy is something I will never understand or comprehend. It must be very difficult to change. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

 

Maybe try to focus on compassion for her. She likely does feel ashamed of being promiscuous when she was younger. I was not like this in college, but a good friend/roommate of mine was, and I'll never forget the look of shame on her face when we were at a hotel party once and a guy we barely knew showed up in the room, looking for her, holding a white towel (for "cleaning up" I guess), asking for her like she was some kind of hooker. She was humiliated. She completely turned her life around and a man who actually was pretty much going into the ministry loved her, accepted her with all her flaws and shame, and married her. They went into college ministry together, had four gorgeous kids, and she is an amazing wife and mother now in her mid 40s.

 

People can and do change. Our experiences bring wisdom and compassion for others.....your girlfriend probably has this in spades.

[loversquarrel]

A person's past explains who they were in the past and it only has bearing on the present if those behaviors continue. If the OP's gf is monogamous with him and isn't displaying risky sexual behaviors at this point in her life then it truly isn't his business, regardless of whether she shared it openly or not.

 

 

I spent college years partying and sleeping around; I spent my fair share of nights sneaking in and out of the girls dorms and sororities and doing all kinds of stupid chit. I'm not proud of my actions back then but I was young, dumb and generally very drunk. I'm not proud of what I did in those days but if I was going to behave like a drunken gigolo, I'm glad that it happened then and not now.

 

 

 

I don't share my wild college stories with women I date because it doesn't define who I am now, I haven't participated in those risky behaviors in almost two decades and it doesn't impact our relationship so it's none of their business. I don't sleep around, I can count on one hand the number of times I drink in a year and only have one in a sitting when I do and I'm a much, much different person now.

 

Good for you, I disagree. I share my past as I have nothing to hide and I can guarantee it's a pretty damn colorful one and quite dark at times. I choose to want someone to love me for everything I am, I have no secrets. I choose to be with someone as open and honest and like minded. I find it is the most fulfilling relationship Ive been in.

 

I can also attest that there are those I've screened out because of serious issues from their past and I'm lucky I did. One person in particular I should have and failed to do so, she pulled a gun on me. I later discovered she had been forcefully hospitalized for similar behavior in her PAST. no one would have ever thought she was like that as she projected a really clean cut image and had a seemingly great personality to match. I'm just lucky I store my guns unloaded.

[loversquarrel]

"I'm really glad we discussed our past sexual exploits," said no happy couple ever.

 

"I wish I had known my ex was a violent person" said me.

[crispytoast]

"I'm really glad we discussed our past sexual exploits," said no happy couple ever.

Idk man. My ex and I were having a sex marathon once and in between sessions, we were smoking weed counting out how many people we'd had sex with and sharing the particularly fun stories. Both of us were pretty turned on and we had great sex after, and before. Then again, she often would bring her girlfriends to let them get a joy ride so our sexual dynamic was a little bit more open than many people, which if I remember correctly is how the conversation started (how many people we'd added to our list while we had been together). It's hard to get jealous about that sort of thing when she let's you sleep with her friends and does all sorts of freaky things. I mean she was already wild when I met her, I wasn't the one who taught her to be like that but we made each other even better at everything and I gotta admit I'm a little jealous of the men she's dated since me. Sometimes I kick myself in the ass for breaking up with her.