how do i accept what i did to lose him

[brooks468]

I just want to start off by saying that i know everything i did was too far but i did it out of fear and being hurt. I've learnt my lesson. I'm not in a good place and i haven't been able to eat or sleep because we never got the closure i needed to move on so i guess i want outside advice.

 

We originally met as a one night stand and we met up a few times after but i wanted to end it as i made it clear it was a mistake and i really wasn't looking for casual sex, but before christmas he persuaded me that he wanted the same thing and we should date to see where things go. Honestly it was the most intense, happy and most exciting 6/7 months, we spent about 5 nights/days a week together so we got close pretty fast and i guess i caught feelings so hard.He repeatdely told me he loved seeing me and he had feelings for me, However it wasn't perfect, he started to get really bad at replying and i'd get a text back hours later even if he'd been online posting. So one night i asked him what was going on and i found out that he was speaking to his ex, who was wit him for 5 years and they only broke up in the summer before university, every day and they had a snapchat streak of nearly 100. I know it sounds pathetic because i agree that you can be friends with your ex but i felt like he didn't but nearly as much effort into speaking to me and he started to get distant.

Anyway he convinced me that he had no feelings for her and i started seeing him again. He was really bad for going on nights out and posting pictures with girls he'd met but since he wasn't my boyfriend i had no right to get annoyed about it, but then one morning he came round and i noticed a love bite on his neck and i freaked out because it definately wasn't from me. After a brief moment or so he told me he got it from his friend in a drinking game but i didn't believe it and we didn't speak for a month because he blocked me. I started to miss him so i reached out to him on a different social media platform and we started meeting up again after easter had passed. When we got back it never really was the same, he only wanted to meet up about 1 time a week and he started going out with his friends a lot more and wanting to stay with them and smoke weed every night instead of coming over. I guess i just felt a little hurt but i can't control what he wanted to do. He eventually ended things and told me he didn't want to be with me and couldn't see a future with me just before summer started which just broke my heart because apparently i was too crazy and paranoid for him. I agree i probably should've trusted him more.

After this i got super upset and i was begging him not to end things and i know i should've let him leave. Anyway, in summer after a few months had passed he knew i was going to the area where he lives on a family holiday so he unblocked me and got into contact which made me super happy. We agreed a cute evening just spending time together. When we met, things were off and he wouldn't speak to me much and he spent the entire time on his phone and he got his little brother to come over so they could smoke weed so i felt really uncomfortable. The whole time i felt like they were laughing at me because nobody said anything to me. He took me upstairs to have sex but i got upset because i didn't want to and he shouted at me and asked why i bothered coming to see him if i didn't want to have sex. I apologised for being miserable and gave in. He drove me home and i woke up the next morning to see that i'd been blocked on every social media platform and i was so heart broken for the rest of summer and i promised myself i wouldn't see him again because i didn't really understand what i'd done wrong. I just felt used.

When second year started he reached out to me but i said i'd be okay just being friends but he continued to ask to see me and persuaded me by saying that we're more than friends and we would see where things go again. I gave in and my feelings quickly came back. I then found out that he'd been seeing other girls at the same time because we'd never agreed to be exclusive so i was hurt that he had persuaded me into seeing him again. He told me that he never had feelings for me and it had always just been casual sex to him, even first year, and it wasn't his fault that he couldn't feel the same way. I understand that i was just so hurt that he had used me again. I was blocked for christmas break because i had messaged him and called him lots to talk about things.

When we came back to uni, he told me he would be exclusive so i started seeing him again. Valentines day quickly arrived and i went over to his house and he had already been drinking and he was stoned so i was a little disappointed but i didn't say anything. His friends came into his room while he finished getting ready and he started talking about this "fit as f**k" girl that he'd met over christmas break and i got upset and told him i felt uncomfortable and disrespected that he was talking about other girls in front of me because no girl wants to hear about that? Maybe it ws just me being crazy again. He got really angry at me and started reading out the messages i'd sent before christmas and i got upset and ran home.

He didn't speak to me for a week and i started to miss him and i felt bad about what had happened so i begged him to call me, eventually he did but i was in a lecture at the time so i couldn't pick up the phone and he messaged me saying how he can "get any girl he wants and he wasn't going to waste his time on an immature pathethic girl like me". And so i was blocked again before i had the chance to tell him i was just unavailable. At this point i started doing things i regret, i made another social media account to reach out to him and tell him i wasn't ignoring him. I sent him so many messages saying i was sorry and i even messaged his friends to have a word with him.

Our arguments are really hurtful, he'd call me immature, tell me that his little sister is less difficult than me, he'd even point out that im pathetic for not putting my face in pictures on instagram or facetime and that he didn't care that i had no confidence, it was pointless to be insecure. He told me that he had no feelings for me and i was just sex.

We eventually made up and everything was amazing until easter. We started speaking to each other loads and spending so much time together i was finally happy. And then i messed up and i wanted to speak to him about what would happen after easter. He told me he had feelings for me and that he would love to see me and we would meet up in the summer HOWEVER, we would NEVER be together because he didn't want a relationship or be tied down dating someone in the summer or when he had placement next year. I wasn't sure if i wanted to end things before easter or when summer arrived, and instead of him speaking to me about things he ignored me for a week and in that time i got super worked up. eventually he replied and told me he wanted to see other girls over easter but he would see me back at uni but i thought it was unfair so i got more upset, and eventually after ignoring me for a few more days he told me he didn't want to see me at all and i was blocked again.

I spent the next 4 weeks creating social media accounts to reach out to him because i was so heart broken that i had lost him for good, i apologised and tried to fix it and i told him i wanted to spend as much time with him as i could. He eventually started calling me a fking freak, a psycho, a stalker, messed up and other hurtful things which i know that i deserved because it's not normal to do the things i did and i know i pushed him away by acting crazy i was just so hurt that he'd left after telling me he had feelings.

He unblocked me after a few days that i hadn't messaged him and i asked to see him and he told me hadn't moved on and to hold tight and he would let me know when he can see me. The next day i messaged him and he told me he was seeing someone so he couldn't meet me but i should be happy for him. The only reason we had argued so much was because we wanted different things, i wanted to be with him and he only ever wanted casual sex and to not be tied down so i stuck around, knowing he was dating someone after only a month had passed has ruined me. All i do is blame myself for acting crazy and i know i shouldn't have ever done it but i was so scared of losing him. He told me that i had asked for this and it was my fault, i was only ever casual so it wasn't like he had moved on fast. I was so upset that 3 weeks ago he had told me he had feelings for me and within the time of falling out he fell for someone new. However he also told me that i had ruined my chance of being withh him and that i was my own fault why i'm upset, but hes also told me it was just casual? So i don't know if i should keep blaming myself or realise it wouldn't have worked out anyway.

I think i wouldn't have ever acted the way i did but every time something happened or i wanted to talk about how i feel he would tell me he didn't care and then he would ignore me for a week until i calm down and apologise for being upset about something. He never just let me talk, i would just get blocked. I think it all built up inside of me and i am just so hurt. I know i took it too far and i'll never act crazy again.

 

I just want advice on how i accept whats happened and move on? I can't sleep without thinking of him with another girl and knowing he's fine while i'm heart broken and struggling. I know i'm the bad person in all of this but i was scared and hurt and i had an unreal amount of love for him and it was never given back, so seeing him give it to someone else is tearing me apart. How do i stop thinking about it and blaming myself and accept and move on?

[d0nnivain]

Stop blaming yourself. The only thing you did was trust & chase an unworthy guy.

 

For whatever reason you missed all the red flags:

 

1). What starts fast & intense ends. Spending 5 nights per week together is too much. It's college. You should have been out with your friends, involved in campus groups & studying.

 

2). The minute you found out he was still pining for his HS GF who he dated for 5 years -- i.e. was the only relationship he knew other then you -- you should have walked & not looked back.

 

3). His substance problems should have been a deal breaker

 

4). the on again off again nature of all this screams dysfunctional.

 

Yes you did some dumb things like creating all the other social media accounts & practically cyber stalking him but I'll give you a pass because you are young & immature. That is not a crack just a fact. We all do stupid things when we are of college age. That is how we learn.

 

You need to recognize that you two are not a good match & that you have both done things to destroy this relationship. You are better off alone. Make a list of all his bad qualities. Make another list of all the reasons you are better off apart. Re-read them periodically. Meanwhile take him out of your phone & focus on your own healing.

[brooks468]

I can't explain how ashamed I am about making the social media accounts, I really regret it and I apologised to him so many times because I know it wasn't normal. I will definitely never do anything like that again and I will learn from it.

I really do wish I left earlier but I can't change that now. Thank you for your advice I think i'll take a break from social media and things for a while until I feel less guilt

[Caauug]

So many red flags on both sides....

 

 

Stop being a "Door Mat". He used you for FWB, he would not go exclusive, ditch him. You want more, so find someone that will not make you the crazy GF.

 

 

Block his phone number and on social media also. Delete any common friends you are not really friends with. NC for him!!! Never look back!!!

[Redhead14]

Sweetie, you didn't lose him, you never had him. This guy was showing you in every way, every level, he wasn't interested in anything more than sex with you. Just because a man has sex with a woman, doesn't mean he is her boyfriend. He spent 5 nights a week with you because he could have sex 5 nights a week.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I think you need to hear the reality so that you can grow out of being naïve and start expecting and demanding better for yourself from a man.

 

How do you move on? You block, delete, forget. As for him being with another woman . . . think about how he's likely treating her and feel sorry for the likelihood that she is probably dealing with the same nightmare you put yourself through.

[darkmoon]

He was immature, he jumped about so much emotionally, changing his mind...

[ExpatInItaly]

Sweetie, you didn't lose him, you never had him. This guy was showing you in every way, every level, he wasn't interested in anything more than sex with you. Just because a man has sex with a woman, doesn't mean he is her boyfriend. He spent 5 nights a week with you because he could have sex 5 nights a week.

 

Bingo.

 

He was never yours, OP. You didn't lose anything in that sense. And he is not a catch. Far from it.

[brooks468]

When things were good he would tell me he had feelings for me and I meant more than sex which is why I always went back to him. If he never said the things to make me feel like he wanted me then I would’ve left but he messed with my feelings and my head. In the end he told me that I’d lost him and it was my fault. We would fall out and he’d tell me I’m nothing but sex, and then he would unblock me and act like nothing had happened and once things were good again he’d tell me he said it out of anger.

[d0nnivain]

You know he lied to you about various things. Thus you have to realize he lied to you when he said this was your fault.

[Redhead14]

When things were good he would tell me he had feelings for me and I meant more than sex which is why I always went back to him. If he never said the things to make me feel like he wanted me then I would’ve left but he messed with my feelings and my head. In the end he told me that I’d lost him and it was my fault. We would fall out and he’d tell me I’m nothing but sex, and then he would unblock me and act like nothing had happened and once things were good again he’d tell me he said it out of anger.

 

Classic gaslighting . . . it's a very powerful tool of mental and emotional manipulation especially when it's being used on someone who is, perhaps, a little naïve especially. Words need to be backed up by actions and consistently. If a guy tells you he loves you, he needs to have been showing that to you before and after he says it in as many ways as he can in order to believe him. If he tells you he's not with you just for sex, he needs to be doing nice things with you on a regular basis besides having sex.

[stillafool]

So many red flags on both sides....

 

 

Stop being a "Door Mat". He used you for FWB, he would not go exclusive, ditch him. You want more, so find someone that will not make you the crazy GF.

 

 

Block his phone number and on social media also. Delete any common friends you are not really friends with. NC for him!!! Never look back!!!

 

For Pete's sake stop blaming yourself because this guy is gone. He treats you like crap and was going to sleep around with other girls anyway. Go strict NC, don't ever accept him back because he has absolutely no respect for you and will repeat. Remember what happened here and never chase a guy again.