I asked if she's enjoying time with me, and she said she's distracted?

[PegNosePete]

I understand the whole being unavailable and mysterious is attractive in a sense, but some people don't have enough time in the day to play chase and be chased by acting aloof. If you've been with someone for ages and then it ended then I understand how suddenly disappearing might work. But when you've only been on four dates, does being absent from someone's life have the same affect and pull on the heartstrings?

Look this kind of game playing and manipulation is really for the kids. It sounds like you've been reading too much PUA junk.

 

If you're looking for a long-lasting relationship then you should be yourself. If you want to wish her good luck for her busy week then do it, who cares if you're breaking some made-up double-texting rule or not?

 

I think your original question was a weak move, but you got away with it because she misinterpreted it. She was distracted from work and thought you had picked up on that. As others have said, best to just move on and forget about it. Wish her a good week and arrange another date.

 

Some people just prefer to go slow, and some relationships work out better that way. When I was first dating my partner we didn't kiss until date 8. Been together 5 years now. Going slow isn't necessarily bad, as long as you're both having a good time and the relationship is moving forward.

[nodramallama]

It's weird. I feel bad for not once wishing her good luck (as she's now 12 hours into her shift of being on call at hospital - not finishing until Monday evening), and instead I just messaged saying message me when you know you're free. Must of sounded like I didn't care, especially when she mentioned several times about not looking forward to her week of work and long hours.

 

I want to wish her good luck and motivate her to keep going, but I understand the unwritten rule about double texting as that's seen as 'needy'.

 

Then that's what you should have done, NOT asked her to message you when she's free. Just a simple text wishing her a good week with no pressure to respond.

[Onlytoolsandhorses]

Look this kind of game playing and manipulation is really for the kids. It sounds like you've been reading too much PUA junk.

 

If you're looking for a long-lasting relationship then you should be yourself. If you want to wish her good luck for her busy week then do it, who cares if you're breaking some made-up double-texting rule or not?

 

I think your original question was a weak move, but you got away with it because she misinterpreted it. She was distracted from work and thought you had picked up on that. As others have said, best to just move on and forget about it. Wish her a good week and arrange another date.

 

Some people just prefer to go slow, and some relationships work out better that way. When I was first dating my partner we didn't kiss until date 8. Been together 5 years now. Going slow isn't necessarily bad, as long as you're both having a good time and the relationship is moving forward.

 

I've been going along thinking that she would have seen me asking that question as a sign of me being needy which could make her lose interest.

 

But you suggest that she interpreted it as me noticing that she seems distracted or disinterested? (And that then I shouldn't worry about it?)

 

I sent her a text saying that hope work is going well, and if she'd be down to do something which is local and chilled this Thursday.

[Onlytoolsandhorses]

So I have an update:

 

She replied saying that she's actually busy for the couple of weeks as she's swamped with work and got a few social things that have been booked for awhile.

 

Seems like a gentle nudge of her not being interested. Seems I blew it, at least I've learnt a valuable lesson.

[curlygirl40]

I love the saying 'You can't do the wrong thing with the right person'.

 

If she was interested, this one little question of yours would have not made her lose interest. Chances are good she wasn't super interested to begin with, or was losing interest already, etc.

 

So don't beat yourself up over that and assume that's why she lost interest. That sort of thinking will screw you up with the next girl because you'll be overthinking even more.

 

Sorry it worked out that way. If there is a lesson to learn, it's to stop overthinking and over-analyzing every little thing and just be yourself.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have to laugh at the nice guy thing. It's true that the nicest guys that I know have always been in long term relationships. It's a very positive quality. Permanently single ones are obsessing about being "too nice".

 

 

I can guarantee you that lack of success with women has nothing to do with being "too nice". Also, don't confuse clingy and needy with nice.

[Onlytoolsandhorses]

I love the saying 'You can't do the wrong thing with the right person'.

 

If she was interested, this one little question of yours would have not made her lose interest. Chances are good she wasn't super interested to begin with, or was losing interest already, etc.

 

So don't beat yourself up over that and assume that's why she lost interest. That sort of thinking will screw you up with the next girl because you'll be overthinking even more.

 

Sorry it worked out that way. If there is a lesson to learn, it's to stop overthinking and over-analyzing every little thing and just be yourself.

 

It's weird because our texting patterns never changed, and she was always up for dates and never tried the old 'its getting late/got work in the morning' attempt to leave early so she seemed so into it. And then after I asked that one question she did seem distant, was kinda awkward and mostly in silent for the rest of the walk to the bus station, and then texted less as well.

 

Perhaps she is legit busy as she works long hours and and is abroad next weekend (I'm away this weekend). Or perhaps she interpreted my question as a needy one, or took it as an insult that I actually asked her it (she did give an awkward laugh - like 'how dare you ask me that even though I've agreed to go on multiple dates and stuff').

 

I was in a long relationship before so I've been out the dating game for a while, probably a tad rusty.

 

I know one thing for sure, I could of been a tad more physical with her (like building chemistry). I think my confidence took a hit ever since my last relationship ended, I use to be so good at building chemistry haha (I know it takes two to tango, but someone's got to start the dance)

[fromheart]

So I have an update:

 

She replied saying that she's actually busy for the couple of weeks as she's swamped with work and got a few social things that have been booked for awhile.

 

Seems like a gentle nudge of her not being interested. Seems I blew it, at least I've learnt a valuable lesson.

 

Ok, so will you believe me now? If you reach out to a woman who has a low interest in you, all your doing is confirming her low interest.

 

She's busy, but has social events that your not invited along to. And to be honest those social events will probably involve other men.

 

This is where you EXIT. No more reaching out!!

[Gaeta]

It's weird because our texting patterns never changed, and she was always up for dates and never tried the old 'its getting late/got work in the morning' attempt to leave early so she seemed so into it. And then after I asked that one question she did seem distant, was kinda awkward and mostly in silent for the rest of the walk to the bus station, and then texted less as well.

 

Perhaps she is legit busy as she works long hours and and is abroad next weekend (I'm away this weekend). Or perhaps she interpreted my question as a needy one, or took it as an insult that I actually asked her it (she did give an awkward laugh - like 'how dare you ask me that even though I've agreed to go on multiple dates and stuff').

 

I was in a long relationship before so I've been out the dating game for a while, probably a tad rusty.

 

I know one thing for sure, I could of been a tad more physical with her (like building chemistry). I think my confidence took a hit ever since my last relationship ended, I use to be so good at building chemistry haha (I know it takes two to tango, but someone's got to start the dance)

I think all your speculations are the fruits of your imagination.

 

 

 

She said she is busy for a couple of weeks with working long hours and leaving town, why don't you accept that as a genuine statement?

 

 

 

Leave it be and contact her in 2 weeks and invite her out.

 

 

 

I remember going on 2-3 dates with a man then he went away for 3 weeks, not a peep from him for 3 weeks. When he returned he called me, I accepted his invitation and we spent the next 4 years together.

 

 

 

Stop interpreting, extrapolating and assuming. She said she is busy for 2 weeks just accept it as that. You are not exclusive no one is asking you to wait for her 2 weeks, just go on with your life, meet other women, and set yourself a reminder for May 25th.

[alphamale]

I wouldn't bother calling her again

[Onlytoolsandhorses]

I just replied saying let me know when your schedules free and we'll arrange something in a few weeks time. Balls in her court. If I don't hear back then yeah I may message her again in a couple of weeks.

 

Interestingly, I went on a first date with another girl a few days before I first saw the four date girl, and after messaging a few days after the date, first date girl never replied to my message about "pop me a message when you know you're free". Then a few days ago she did, and now has asked me out for dinner.

 

So it goes to show that if they're interested, they'll let you know.

 

Who knows, four date girl may never message again or may message me in 'couple weeks' time. I now see the importance of not putting much investment and care into early stages of dating.

 

I stopped caring about first date girl when she didn't reply, so it's like they know when you do care and also know when you don't care haha!

[fromheart]

[quote

 

I stopped caring about first date girl when she didn't reply, so it's like they know when you do care and also know when you don't care haha!

 

They need to know that your not weak and needy, and that you won't turn into a stalker.

 

If you can not be these things and be caring, you'll be taking a massive step towards good dates.

 

However, women that need to consistently be ignored and treated with borderline contempt are also to be avoided, as they have a dysfunction that will only be compatible with 'bad boy,' abusers.

 

Some people want Aholes, all you can do is leave them to it.

[Onlytoolsandhorses]

They need to know that your not weak and needy, and that you won't turn into a stalker.

 

If you can not be these things and be caring, you'll be taking a massive step towards good dates.

 

However, women that need to consistently be ignored and treated with borderline contempt are also to be avoided, as they have a dysfunction that will only be compatible with 'bad boy,' abusers.

 

So going back to four date girl, do you think that my lack of escalation with 'making a move' as well as me asking that question could of been seen as weak or 'beta' as some people call it?

 

More so curious for my own development rather than how to get a fifth date with her.

[fromheart]

Wasn't the best question to ask, but if she was worth the time, it wouldn't have mattered.

 

Life/relationships go through far more challenges than you asking a woman if she's had a good time. Everyone will make mistakes and say/do stupid things. On the grand scale, this was nothing really.

 

Choose to spend time with the woman who chooses to spend time with you, if this other girl wants to date you then go for it.

[d0nnivain]

I think you are psyching yourself out.

 

If your last message to her instructed her to contact you in a few weeks -- plural -- it's unlikely that you are going to hear from her again. She read that as you showing low interest.

 

Even if her work week is busy, she still has some free time. She has to eat. There are so many things you could have done to maintain this connection: offered to bring her dinner to her office for a quick bite or taken her to brunch over the weekend, even met for a quick drink. Even the busiest person can squeeze in 45 minutes if you make it easy for them. Heck when I'm having a bad week my husband brings me take out & we eat in the conference room of my office.

 

You say your confidence took at hit after your last break up. Do things to get it back.

 

I do not think that she lost interest because you didn't escalate. You had some physical contact. Going at a sedate pace is fine. You don't' have to have sex to hold the right person's interest.

[Onlytoolsandhorses]

I think you are psyching yourself out.

 

If your last message to her instructed her to contact you in a few weeks -- plural -- it's unlikely that you are going to hear from her again. She read that as you showing low interest.

 

Even if her work week is busy, she still has some free time. She has to eat. There are so many things you could have done to maintain this connection: offered to bring her dinner to her office for a quick bite or taken her to brunch over the weekend, even met for a quick drink. Even the busiest person can squeeze in 45 minutes if you make it easy for them. Heck when I'm having a bad week my husband brings me take out & we eat in the conference room of my office.

 

You say your confidence took at hit after your last break up. Do things to get it back.

 

I do not think that she lost interest because you didn't escalate. You had some physical contact. Going at a sedate pace is fine. You don't' have to have sex to hold the right person's interest.

 

Unfortunately where I work and she works are more than an hour round trip if you're incorporating each only having an hour lunch break. And I'm out the city this weekend to visit family with premade plans, and she's abroad next weekend, as well as other plans and appointments made already, so no real chance of catching her for next few weeks.

 

With that d0nnivain, what do you suggest? Not sure what else I can do unless she replies again.

[Tamfana]

I have to laugh at the nice guy thing. It's true that the nicest guys that I know have always been in long term relationships. It's a very positive quality. Permanently single ones are obsessing about being "too nice".

 

I can guarantee you that lack of success with women has nothing to do with being "too nice". Also, don't confuse clingy and needy with nice.

 

So true. It's part and parcel of the alpha/beta and relative power concerns about hierarchy and rank.

[olivetree]

Things are very fragile in the beginning, and we do have to demonstrate consistently that we aren't weirdos / single for a reason (not by choice).

 

If she took what you said as needy and was turned off by it and backed away, giving her the space to reach out to you will only help reverse that put off feeling she had.

 

I think if you never hear from her again, she probably wasn't interested in you enough to begin with.

[Onlytoolsandhorses]

No, in my last message a couple of days ago asked if she'd like to plan something for a few weeks time (she uses her calendar a lot so knows when she's free - in my circle of friends planning dates in weeks in advance seems to be popular and equally successful as offering a date for a couple days time).

 

People are busy I get that, but no one is too busy where they can't reply to a message or even read it. I've been on FB chat to other people and can see she's been active since.

 

I'll give her a couple more days and if I don't hear anything I'll pop her message. Nothing needy, just something like I had an awesome time getting to know her but I take it she's not interested in planning to see each other again. May end it might hearted with an inside joke.

 

I dunno if she's trying to let me down gently or playing hard to get, or if there's another guy in the picture. Either way, she came across as genuine, honest and straightforward, so it's a tad confusing why she wouldn't send a simple message saying "it's been fun but I'm not interested" or something like that.

 

Maybe she wants to treat me as back-up guy, which hopefully my text implies is something I'm not willing to entertain hahaha

[d0nnivain]

With that d0nnivain, what do you suggest? Not sure what else I can do unless she replies again.

 

I don't know. Maybe you are just incompatible.

 

Maybe because I always had to travel at least an hour to date men as an adult. The idea of driving an hour to grab a late bite with her while she's working is not daunting to me.

 

But while she's abroad or wherever, shoot her a text & ask if she's having fun. Don't get too deep. Just reach out. Don't say all that stuff about her not being interested. That projects as needy & unattractive.

[Onlytoolsandhorses]

I know nobody here is a mind-reader, but from past experience or just instant thought, do you think she ghosted or just busy/waiting til she definitely knows is free for an evening to respond?

 

She seems the type to want a few hours free rather than under an hour.

[emeraldgreen]

An interested person will not confuse you. Once you send a message, you have to, in your mindset, forget you even sent it until there's a reply. It's not your job to keep this thing alive. She'll either respond or she won't and once you hit send, get on with the job of living.

[Onlytoolsandhorses]

I sent her a message yesterday teasing her for a niche activity she was doing yesterday evening.

 

She replied today, didn't mention anything about my previous message of making plans in a couple weeks, but sent a lengthy light-hearted reply about her fun niche activity yesterday evening.

 

Wasn't even expecting a reply and kind of forgot about it but thought I'd update you all.

 

There was me thinking she was going to pull a ghost haha...

Edited May 18, 2019 by Onlytoolsandhorses

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I sent her a message yesterday teasing her for a niche activity she was doing yesterday evening.

 

She replied today, didn't mention anything about my previous message of making plans in a couple weeks, but sent a lengthy light-hearted reply about her fun niche activity yesterday evening.

 

Wasn't even expecting a reply and kind of forgot about it but thought I'd update you all.

 

There was me thinking she was going to pull a ghost haha...

 

She sounds like a nice person, unlikely the type to ghost.

[some_username1]

I sent her a message yesterday teasing her for a niche activity she was doing yesterday evening.

 

She replied today, didn't mention anything about my previous message of making plans in a couple weeks, but sent a lengthy light-hearted reply about her fun niche activity yesterday evening.

 

Wasn't even expecting a reply and kind of forgot about it but thought I'd update you all.

 

There was me thinking she was going to pull a ghost haha...

 

It sounds like you have sent a number of messages without reply until she replied to this latest one.

 

It’s pretty disrespectful to ignore messages especially when someone is offering to arrange a meet up and it tells you that you need to change your approach rather than keep trying to brute force a way in by continuing to send messages in hope of getting a response. I really would back off at this point. I would send a light hearted and very short response making a joke about what she said and then saying that as she is busy I will follow up in two weeks. Then in two weeks (maybe a bit longer just so she knows you aren’t sat by the phone getting sweaty palms) send her a message asking if she wants to join me at x place at y time on z day.

 

In the mean time I would forget she ever existed and try and unearth some new, keener leads.

 

FWIW for you to even ask her that question About whether she was having fun suggests to me that your sub-conscious picked up on something it needed re-assurance about. It’s a paradoxical question as it’s not a good question to ask if you don’t know the answer. I would only ask that question if I knew the girl was “on the hook’ so to speak but if you know that then there is no need to ask the question in the first place! So I can’t help but think that there were subtle cues she was giving off that made you doubt that things were as they seemed and once that idea bubbled up to your new-cortex it manifested itself in that question. With that in mind I would work on the basis that her current behaviour is coming from her wanting to brush you off without being direct.

 

As I said above though, it doesn’t hurt to take her at her word, send her a message playing along with her being ‘busy’ and make it clear that you are disappearing to give her space to work but will follow up later and then send a low effort text giving her a place and time you will be, if she isn’t there then block and delete. But hopefully in the meantime try and find someone who gives you a reason not to be there.

Edited May 18, 2019 by some_username1