Author chryssy83 Posted May 14, 2019 Author Share Posted May 14, 2019 You're already in the process of divorce and know what your stbx was. Why bother torturing yourself. Also being an attorney you should know to be careful what you communicate and how it's communicated to these other women. One of them may get under your skin enough to bring out the worst in you and you may say or text something you regret. I try to remember the potential audiences for whatever I communicate. But yeah this is a concern. I’ve never threatened anyone, for example, about the kids or money or anything. I know if someone read my texts to him they would see that I’m pretty mad but I don’t think anyone would expect me to be kind to someone as all this is unraveling. The court won’t want to see any of it. I try to watch my language in case he tries to say I am harsh with the kids. I think I’m about done with all this anyway. My texts with the one girlfriend who gave me their text messages and stuff is all love and light like “happy mother’s day” or “don’t doubt your worth, trust your gut, you know when you’re being lied to.” And I’ve never texted or emailed the work girlfriend. The gym girlfriend I don’t even know her last name. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 14, 2019 Share Posted May 14, 2019 Yeah, your soon to be ex husband is a real player. I don't blame you for divorcing him as it seems he never loved you with all of his cheating. Well now they can have him. I also don't blame you for being finished with talking to his exes. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 14, 2019 Share Posted May 14, 2019 Stay strong, girl. I'm sorry you have to be here, but you are doing great. Once you can look back on this after it's all done it over and be thankful you got away from this liar, you're going to be a wonderful resource and support for someone else someday. <3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 14, 2019 Share Posted May 14, 2019 Every bit of new information you find out about him just reinforces the fact that you are doing the right thing and getting out with your sanity. I wish I could be a fly on the wall for the one OW that defends him to the ends of the earth and says you're just bitter, he's a good man. Yeah, right. He's going to dump her. It's just a matter of time. They always do, especially once the divorce is final and the novelty of "cheating" has worn off because it's no longer a challenge. I'm sorry he is making this so hard for you. I hope your lawyer has a very good investigator. I used to work for a lawyer whose investigator was an ex-detective. That guy could uncover anything and everything about a person. It was fascinating to watch him work. I hope your investigator is as much of a bulldog! Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted May 15, 2019 Author Share Posted May 15, 2019 I cannot wait for this to be over. He’s so disordered. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted May 15, 2019 Share Posted May 15, 2019 I don't think it is bad idea talking to these women, the OP may find out he has another house/boat/car/source of income tucked away somewhere... There are other more reliable ways to discover such things without having to confront affair partners. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 There are other more reliable ways to discover such things without having to confront affair partners. How exactly? He was careful to make sure there was no record of any of it. He was having money paid to other people and then they would give it to him in cash at work. I don’t think he has property that the government has record of but he certainly has resources that can’t be traced to him and the biggest resource we are looking at now is his time. How do we figure out where he was instead of at work another way? He was sitting in these girls’ houses all day when he was supposed to be working and now his income plummeted. I’m hopeful we are close to a settlement I’m just struggling with how much time is best for children to spend with a father who is so selfish and creates total chaos and lies to me about everything. How do we coparent when I can’t even trust him to tell me the truth about anything—money, what time the kids go to sleep, who he has them around, where he is. His priorities are all wrong and I’m terrified he’s about to lose his job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 Follow the money as best you can. If he's in finance then he's quite savvy about how to hide it. It's not easy. Also, set realistic goals for yourself and know when it's time to stop - the sleuthing can take over your life if get lost in the pursuit. If you can get what you want and need in the divorce then chasing after every nefarious scheme he employed may be inconsequential. Loan applications: every kind of credit, cars, mortgages, even leases. He may have listed income or assets on applications to enhance his credit worthiness that he doesn't show elsewhere. Missing Tax events: like distributions from retirement funds that are not claimed on the income tax return, and have no 009-R or Form 5329 reporting. A common scam is to withdraw the money (showing 20% withheld on the statement) claim it was spent on expenses - when instead it was rolled over within the 60 day allowed loan period. This also makes the 20% withheld recoverable at a later date on a statement you'll never see. Names and social security numbers of relatives: harder to find, but you can often predict which people in your ex's life are most likely to go along with these schemes, and how they are doing it. Deed searches: you can predict where your ex might have invested. Is there a favorite place he always talked about or favored? Where is he most likely to look for property? Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 On the matter of sleuthing the affairs - my advice is to keep this relevant only to money matters (dissipated assets, etc.) Imagine devoting all your energy to assemble and solve this puzzle only to discover that the picture is blank. You ex sounds a lot like mine, and these people really are hollow when it comes to emotion. I understand first hand the desire to know how far back we have to go to find what if anything was real. The results are disappointing. Your ex may be more like a stone skipping across the water - making an impact but never a connection and always in motion to the next splash. The caveat is that YOUR experience in any moment was real. You were genuine. That knowledge of your own capacity for love and empathy is real, even if it was shared with someone who has no appreciation or understanding of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted May 21, 2019 Share Posted May 21, 2019 How do we figure out where he was instead of at work another way? He was sitting in these girls’ houses all day when he was supposed to be working and now his income plummeted. Ask the court to impute an average of the last 3 or 5 years of his income to the financial statement rather than using the current year on the grounds that he is deliberately coasting in order to lower his income during divorce. Emphasize the value of his present credentials in this full employment economy, together with past performance to illustrate how out of sync his current performance level is with his true ability. Focus on getting what YOU NEED as opposed to chasing every possible instance of hidden money. Then, if something turns up later - it may be actionable as FRAUD. It's not always over just because a divorce judgement gets entered. You do however, need to move forward in order to get on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts