LDR boyfriend going into the cave - raise it properly with him?

[Lovezen_30]

My boyfriend and I went LDR three weeks ago. He started a new job and has asked me to join him there but as we've been together a short time I'm still considering it. I should also mention he is on anti-depressants at the moment and twice before has gone 'off the grid' for several days until I contacted him.

 

Now since he left, he's generally been great with contact. He usually contacts me every day and we Skype frequently. I feel like he is present and interested in my life. But suddenly out of nowhere he stopped replying for 1.5 days - it just felt off to me, given our pattern of communication - also considering in the message I asked him how his recent house viewings went and told him my job interview was successful (you'd hope for a 'congratulations!', right?). I sent him a 'what's up?' message and he immediately replied 'I'm so sorry, I completely forgot to respond'. Um, ok. He then said he's been feeling super down as the house viewings haven't worked out so far. Then congratulated me on my new job, saying he knew I'd ace it.

 

 

I said I understood RE him feeling overwhelmed, but that I'd like him to give me a heads up when he needs some space as it's a little hurtful to be ignored. I then asked why he was so stressed. Well, he ignored the emotional part of what I said about being hurt and vented about his situation. When we Skype next week, should I bring it up? It triggers my anxiety when he disrupts the pattern and just ceases communication for multiple days. Even worse in an LDR it makes me feel out of sight, out of mind.

[preraph]

House hunting is enough to take up one's whole mind. When someone has that or, like you, job hunting going on, some people just have to set other things aside for a bit or do it less frequently. It's compartmentalizing. I do it. I get a project on my mind and I can't focus on other things.

 

But it is true that with long distance relationships, especially with men, it is out of sight out of mind because most of them are so visual.

[Lovezen_30]

House hunting is enough to take up one's whole mind. When someone has that or, like you, job hunting going on, some people just have to set other things aside for a bit or do it less frequently. It's compartmentalizing. I do it. I get a project on my mind and I can't focus on other things.

 

But it is true that with long distance relationships, especially with men, it is out of sight out of mind because most of them are so visual.

 

It worries me, preraph. I have done LDR before (said I never would again) and after 5 months the guy cheated with a local woman. But I've felt this guy has more integrity overall.

 

During the Skype should I raise it with him? That I understand his stresses but I worry about being out of sight/mind and as we've been so great with communication I want us to stay that way? It's brought up the old baggage from when I was cheated on, but because I love him, I want to try LDR. But only if we're both making continued effort. Having the guy say 'oops sorry, I forgot about you!' after 3 weeks is not ideal.

[Lovezen_30]

I guess I'd like to know how serious people think it is that he 'forgot' to contact me for almost 2 days?

 

I love him. He's on my mind frequently. I don't forget him ffs.

[Logo]

How long have you been together?

[Lovezen_30]

About 6 months, because we broke it off for 2 months whilst unsure if wanted to pursue LDR. Then decided we were in love and wanted to try.

 

He's asking to schedule a Skype call for this week, but honestly I'm soo pissed!

 

I know his mind is buzzing with house moving stuff etc but he hasn't even asked how I am or how my weekend was (which he usually always does). During these gloomy periods he gets very in his head.

Edited May 12, 2019 by Lovezen_30

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess I'd like to know how serious people think it is that he 'forgot' to contact me for almost 2 days?.

 

Not very, especially give the logistics of relocating. LDR is different than in person, might take you a while to find a rhythm and comfort zone. Time for a little patience...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lovezen_30]

Not very, especially give the logistics of relocating. LDR is different than in person, might take you a while to find a rhythm and comfort zone. Time for a little patience...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I am willing to be patient as long as he is worth it. I appreciate a consistent pattern when it comes to a guy. Since the relationship turned more serious, he has been very consistent. A change in pattern always feels awry for this reason.

 

But, to be honest, I was surprised by how relaxed he seemed up until now. Taking it all in his stride. I think it all hit him at once. House moves and country moves are really, really stressful.

[basil67]

You said he's gone into his cave before. Did you tell him how you felt last time it happened? If so, he already knows how you feel and raising it yet again is pointless.

[Lovezen_30]

You said he's gone into his cave before. Did you tell him how you felt last time it happened? If so, he already knows how you feel and raising it yet again is pointless.

 

No, I hadn't raised it with him until today. When he has done it before, it has usually been because he's having a depressive downturn. I'd say it's happened about 3 times since I met him 8 months ago. He's otherwise consistent.

 

We have arranged a Skype and I'm not sure whether to bring it up, or leave it for now until the house hunting storm passes.

[d0nnivain]

It may be a little of the out of sight out of mind thing but not in a terrible way. He's had a lot of change in the last 3 weeks: going LDR with you & the need for house hunting being 2 biggies. There are a few changes in life that screw with somebody's head: moving, change in relationship status, death, changing jobs are some of the major ones.

 

When you have depression your coping skills are non-existent. At the depth of my depression I couldn't so much as pick out an outfit. Seriously, I'd end up on the floor of my walk-in closet sobbing because the decision was overwhelming. I could generally pull it together for my husband if he was standing right there but when he'd already left for work, I couldn't do it. So my theory is over the course of the last 1.5 days he's been out to lunch, not having anything to do with you. Be patient & persistent with him. Assume a 3 for 1 contact ratio . . .you reach out but he's not johnny-on-the-spot with the response. He needs a bit of reassurance. I get that in an LDR you do to, but as the stronger mentally healthier person, you focus on your next time together with him.

 

You also don't know how today being Mother's Day factored into this. I almost lost it in Church this morning. The priest asked all mothers to stand for a blessing. Myself & a nun in church were the only women over the age of 16 sitting down. I felt like a freak. If your guy doesn't have the best relationship with his mom or if she has passed away today could be hard for him & that could be coloring the last few days.

[alphamale]

leave him alone

[Lovezen_30]

It may be a little of the out of sight out of mind thing but not in a terrible way. He's had a lot of change in the last 3 weeks: going LDR with you & the need for house hunting being 2 biggies. There are a few changes in life that screw with somebody's head: moving, change in relationship status, death, changing jobs are some of the major ones.

 

When you have depression your coping skills are non-existent. At the depth of my depression I couldn't so much as pick out an outfit. Seriously, I'd end up on the floor of my walk-in closet sobbing because the decision was overwhelming. I could generally pull it together for my husband if he was standing right there but when he'd already left for work, I couldn't do it. So my theory is over the course of the last 1.5 days he's been out to lunch, not having anything to do with you. Be patient & persistent with him. Assume a 3 for 1 contact ratio . . .you reach out but he's not johnny-on-the-spot with the response. He needs a bit of reassurance. I get that in an LDR you do to, but as the stronger mentally healthier person, you focus on your next time together with him.

 

You also don't know how today being Mother's Day factored into this. I almost lost it in Church this morning. The priest asked all mothers to stand for a blessing. Myself & a nun in church were the only women over the age of 16 sitting down. I felt like a freak. If your guy doesn't have the best relationship with his mom or if she has passed away today could be hard for him & that could be coloring the last few days.

 

You are right. During our last Skype I told him I was impressed by how he was coping with it all. Like you say, not just the new job but with keeping up with me too. I think reality has set in for him now.

 

When you say assume a 3 to 1 ratio and he needs a bit of reassurance...what do you mean, exactly? The thing is I have really been struggling too lately, and because he's not in a good place he's not asking about that (no doubt he will on Skype). My boss is making life very difficult for me (by consistently not paying me), which is messing with my quality of life and disrupting my plans to visit him. All very stressful!

[Lovezen_30]

It may be a little of the out of sight out of mind thing but not in a terrible way. He's had a lot of change in the last 3 weeks: going LDR with you & the need for house hunting being 2 biggies. There are a few changes in life that screw with somebody's head: moving, change in relationship status, death, changing jobs are some of the major ones.

 

When you have depression your coping skills are non-existent. At the depth of my depression I couldn't so much as pick out an outfit. Seriously, I'd end up on the floor of my walk-in closet sobbing because the decision was overwhelming. I could generally pull it together for my husband if he was standing right there but when he'd already left for work, I couldn't do it. So my theory is over the course of the last 1.5 days he's been out to lunch, not having anything to do with you. Be patient & persistent with him. Assume a 3 for 1 contact ratio . . .you reach out but he's not johnny-on-the-spot with the response. He needs a bit of reassurance. I get that in an LDR you do to, but as the stronger mentally healthier person, you focus on your next time together with him.

 

You also don't know how today being Mother's Day factored into this. I almost lost it in Church this morning. The priest asked all mothers to stand for a blessing. Myself & a nun in church were the only women over the age of 16 sitting down. I felt like a freak. If your guy doesn't have the best relationship with his mom or if she has passed away today could be hard for him & that could be coloring the last few days.

 

ps. Sorry to hear about your difficult day.

[d0nnivain]

3 for 1 . . .for every casual text you send, you are going to need to send 3 for him to reach out once.

 

I'm sorry you are not in a good place right now either. In the very short term, assume you won't get the best support from him because he's hung up on his stuff. I know that is not fair but in theory he'll be more able to be there for you in the future. I'd give him a few weeks or at least until the next time you can be together in person to come around more.

 

Rely on your BFFs, your family, your therapist if you have one & LS to get you through stuff with your boss in the short term. Do not count on him for this until he starts to show that he's coming out of his cave. Even then, recognize that he's a guy. My husband is a rock but he's not that great at emotional support. He is not a talker & doesn't process the way women do. Find somebody else to talk to when you need to unload. Use him sparingly.

[Els]

I guess I'd like to know how serious people think it is that he 'forgot' to contact me for almost 2 days?

 

I love him. He's on my mind frequently. I don't forget him ffs.

 

 

Given that this has happened 3 times in 6 months without any extenuating circumstances, I'd consider it a big concern. It's one thing if you've had a big argument and he needs time to deescalate and calm down. But just "forgetting", so frequently? I'm not sure about that.

[preraph]

To be honest, I think any man who is long distance is eventually going to see other women and have sex if they are able to. I don't think that's what is wrong right now, though. I don't think you should pressure him about it. I think you should see what he does when left on his own steam and see how much the relationship means to him by not pushing it and seeing how hard he tries to keep it going without prodding. I mean, you're in no position to prod him. He can tell you whatever you want to hear and you'll be none the wiser.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am willing to be patient as long as he is worth it.

 

But suddenly out of nowhere he stopped replying for 1.5 days

 

It may seem like a long time to you, but 36 hours is neither cave-dwelling on his end nor patience on yours.

 

Relationships live in the real world, LDR's even more so. Your expectations are unrealistic and, if you want to have him look forward to talking to you, counter-productive...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Redhead14]

"You know, Xname, I love you and I miss you. This is a big adjustment for me, for both of us. It would help me if we had a little more consistent communication until we can get used to the new arrangement". And, if he says he's ok with that, you sit back and observe whether he at least tries to accommodate. Don't pull on him. If he's not making an effort, then you end it. You can't force this by nagging or pulling on him.

[elaine567]

He moved for work, he asked you to come with him, but you have refused.

Now you have got yourself a new job.

He is setting up home where he is and you are setting up your life where you are.

It is the beginning of the end and he is maybe distancing himself in preparation.

[chillii]

Bit lost here. You did bring it up and he apologized and explained , that's enough.

And don't forget , if he's not that enthused about your job , it just means your staying there, and he was hoping you'd move to his.

And l dunno why you'd be confused about why he's stressed, he told ya, and that crap stresses anyone.

[Lovezen_30]

Bit lost here. You did bring it up and he apologized and explained , that's enough.

And don't forget , if he's not that enthused about your job , it just means your staying there, and he was hoping you'd move to his.

And l dunno why you'd be confused about why he's stressed, he told ya, and that crap stresses anyone.

 

Yeah, but the issue is when he does this disappearing act there's no heads up. He only told me he was stressed when I asked what was up.

 

In terms of the job, you might be right but it only lasts one month! I'm.a teacher and have to take the summer work where I can get it atm. We have a Skype lined up. I told him today that I am keen to visit him next month. We'll see what his response is to that over Skype, should tell me a lot.

 

Moving is a lot for me to consider. I have a strong community of people here and I like the city. But I am willing to move for love as long as we are both on the same page.

[preraph]

Honey, I'm going to be stressed tomorrow, so don't expect to hear from me?

 

You've got to get a grip.

[Foxhall]

I would not be worrying so much on this,

 

lots of guys do not have the patience for constant messaging and phoning,

 

he is trying to establish himself in a new city and that is taking up his time at the moment.

 

he may have hobbies- (maybe this was my mistake previously, getting caught up with hobbies and not giving enough attention to the girl!!)

 

he has asked you to move to join him, so that is surely outlining genuine interest?

 

back off a little , give him some space, try to talk twice a week and meet every few weeks,

 

if the vibe feels right perhaps the move can be an option in a few months??

 

and have your own interests too, can you do yoga or something.

[Gaeta]

1.5 day is not caving.

 

Not asking you how you are when he's away shopping for a house which is a huge and important responsability is NOT being insensitive, it's being human.

 

My bf goes into his cave when he's stressed and I don't count it by the hour, I count it by the days, sometimes as much as 2-3 weeks. When a man is stressed over something it's the worse time to ask him for some reassurance. You have to let him be, let him solve his problems like a big man, then he'll get back to you.

 

To sucessfully date a man that deals with periods of depression and has tendencies to withdraw you have to be strong and not question his love and interest at every bump.

 

When my bf comes out of his cave I don't tell him how hurtful his behavior was, I don't tell him I need more communication, I don't ask anything of him, if he doesn't call or text for a day it's because he's too stressed or upset and he simply doesn't have it in him to worry about me. When he comes out of his cave I just welcome him back with open arms and tell him how happy I am.

 

You have to beleive in him and in your relationship. If he cheats then he'll cheat and you'll cross that bridge when you get there. Until then, give him all of your trust.

 

 

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Edited May 15, 2019 by Gaeta