LDR boyfriend going into the cave - raise it properly with him?

[Lovezen_30]

We spoke on Skype for 2 hours tonight. Turns out he had been to a party and was hungover when I didn't hear from him. Said he met some 'interesting people' which is great (but I was also thinking 'any interesting women?'). He deserves to be trusted, however I have this baggage of having my last LDR cheat on me. My bf is also only 24 & I'm wondering if he might still want to date other women in the future.

 

Anyway: I'm booking my trip to go and see him this week. He was also saying 'so if you do move here...' during the call which is positive. We will need to talk more about it when I see him in person. I'd just like him to keep in decent communication while also living his life. He was definitely feeling down when we spoke, but so would anyone who was house hunting for weeks. His mood seemed much better by the end of the call

[basil67]

He's already dropped off the radar multiple times - he's showing you what he's like. The fact that you want him to behave differently isn't going to change him. At this point, you would do well to decide if you are OK loving him as who he is.

 

And for what it's worth, long distance sets up the kind of dynamic which invites cheating. I think it would be foolish to expect 100% faithfulness. I think a loose arrangement until the couple can be together is far more realistic.

[Gaeta]

The man is only 24 years old, battling depression, living away, you do realize the odds are against you right? I am all for sticking by your man when you're in a well established relationship with a good history. You don't know this man enough to uproot yourself for him.

[Lovezen_30]

The man is only 24 years old, battling depression, living away, you do realize the odds are against you right? I am all for sticking by your man when you're in a well established relationship with a good history. You don't know this man enough to uproot yourself for him.

 

Well, this cheered me up (not!). I realise these are potentially troubling factors. But I'm in love with him and feel we have a special connection that I rarely find with another human being. I know you are saying I barely know him, but it's been 8 months since we met and it was like meeting my instant best friend (which again, rarely happens).

 

The thing is, that if I don't 'uproot' myself and give it a try, at least over the next year, it is quite likely that I'll wonder 'what if'. My job is more moveable/flexible than his and we will need to be in the same place if we want to see where this leads.

 

I am planning to visit next month, so I will see how that goes/how I feel after some extended time spent together. Maybe a few visits for both us before any big decisions are made. You have made a good point that there are factors to think about it.

Edited May 16, 2019 by Lovezen_30

[Lovezen_30]

I posted this a week ago and he's back to talking every day, at least some.

 

But I've noticed he isn't really sharing with me so much anymore. For example, during our Skype call I asked how he was/what he had been doing and he just said he'd been keeping busy and immediately wanted to move on to how I was doing etc.

 

Then I sent him a few messages confirming I'd booked flights to visit him and asked him how his weekend was going. He replied that he can't wait to see me and asked further questions about my weekend - but again volunteered nothing about his own weekend.

Why do this? He told me what we first started dating he can be closed off in this way but I assumed he meant with other people because he never has been with me! It feels weird to not know how he spent an entire weekend. Previously he was always sending photos from here and there etc. If it comes up in conversation, he'll me about it, but he doesn't volunteer his plans lately. I guess it makes me wonder if his depression has been worse than he's let on.I know he stays home and doesn't face the world when that happens.

Edited May 19, 2019 by Lovezen_30

[Els]

I posted this a week ago and he's back to talking every day, at least some.

 

But I've noticed he isn't really sharing with me so much anymore. For example, during our Skype call I asked how he was/what he had been doing and he just said he'd been keeping busy and immediately wanted to move on to how I was doing etc.

 

Then I sent him a few messages confirming I'd booked flights to visit him and asked him how his weekend was going. He replied that he can't wait to see me and asked further questions about my weekend - but again volunteered nothing about his own weekend.

Why do this? He told me what we first started dating he can be closed off in this way but I assumed he meant with other people because he never has been with me! It feels weird to not know how he spent an entire weekend. Previously he was always sending photos from here and there etc. If it comes up in conversation, he'll me about it, but he doesn't volunteer his plans lately. I guess it makes me wonder if his depression has been worse than he's let on.I know he stays home and doesn't face the world when that happens.

 

 

I disagree with the others that 1.5 days with zero contact from a long term partner is unavoidable - it may be "normal" for some people but it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. H and I did LD for 2 years and there has never been a time when we had zero contact for 1.5 days without even a text, except in situations where we could not access a phone or in the rare event of a big argument. Even if one of us really didn't feel like talking, we'd still send a "hey, I just need to chill out right now" text if the other person reached out. Most days, we'd video call for several hours - we didn't spend all of it talking, of course, we sometimes just left the video on and did our own thing while being able to see the other person.

 

 

 

So no, I don't think that wanting more contact than you have is unreasonable, nor is it mutually exclusive with respecting their space.

 

I do however think you are overanalyzing things in this post and in general. If you don't back off, it's impossible to say whether he's actually being distant, or if you are in fact creating this distance in him by your behavior.

Edited May 19, 2019 by Elswyth

[Lovezen_30]

I agree, I am overanalysing things. I am feeling very anxious at the moment as I'm going through quite a difficult time and I think projecting those fears onto my BF. I keep thinking negative thoughts about his feelings where there are none.

 

He's been really supportive and lovely, so I'm going to focus on that and focus on doing lots more yoga/looking after my mental health.

 

That said, I also need to honour my own needs and listen to that voice where the type of communication I want is valid. Thank you.