Sad Lonely and and Don't Even Know if I'm an OW!

[Juliet1985]

I thought I posted a few days ago but I can't find it...sorry, if it's a repeat.

 

I started working with "Bill" a year ago. We became friends pretty quickly and I was attracted to his rock star looks, genius brain and the funniest person I've ever met. In the beginning he referred to his live-in girlfriend as his "wife". They have never been married but have been on again, off again for many years.

 

After a few months, he would eat lunch in my office every day, we would have the most amazing conversations and laughs but it was purely platonic. My co-worker kept telling me Bill liked me and I told her I just didn't see it, he was just a friend.

 

I decided to leave my position with the company in August and pursue another job. Bill assured me he would still "pester" me after I left and he did. Beginning the day after I left, he texted me daily, multiple times and called at least once a day. Things stayed platonic for a month or so but we were very close. One day in October he said something a little off the wall and I already falling for him so I went with it. Things quickly turned to sexual talk and we started texting all throughout the day, he would call a couple of times and every single night when he got home, we would write until he went to sleep on Facebook messenger.

 

We live in a small town and I've heard things about his live-in and from him that she doesn't work and they've never had kids, she doesn't leave the house and stays up all night and sleeps all day while he provides everything for her. She has tried to commit suicide before and is on meds for those issues. From what everyone has said, it doesn't seem like they have much of a relationship. She is there when he writes me all night on Facebook but according to Bill, he is in his computer room all night and she is in the living room.

 

As time went on, we talked about "hanging out" and I although I had worked in his town, I just moved there in December. The first or second week of December, he came to my new place and we had sex. He came back the following week as well and although we continued to grow closer and he stopped talking about his "wife", he wouldn't and still won't talk about how he feels about me. He is quite the hermit and doesn't socialize and when he is off work, he just wants to be home. So for him to come to my place now and then is huge for him as he doesn't even visit his family. He's told me he doesn't want me to see anyone else.

 

I'm SO confused because he lives with this woman but doesn't seem to have much of a relationship with her and talks to me more than most people talk to their spouse. He doesn't want me to see anyone else but he very rarely comes to see me. But he talks often about us going to get lunch together. I have been out walking for exercise and he has come by twice and picked me up in his very prominent work vehicle and then just drove around town while we talked. He didn't seem to mind that his or her family could see me with him. He isn't someone who talks about feelings at all but his actions speak louder than words. He initiates the calls and conversations every night on FB. I have told him multiple times that I don't know where I stand with him and for all I know, I'm just "one of the guys". The most response I got out of him was him saying, "If I didn't like you, I wouldn't talk to you". This man has a wall built up and he doesn't let anyone in to his personal life or his heart. But he has confided in me things he's never told anyone else and to me, that means we have something very special. We've done sexual things that neither of us have done with anyone else. We both have said we've not had sex with anyone we aren't in a relationship with...but at the same time, he's never committed to any kind of relationship with me. It's so confusing.

 

 

It's so hurtful knowing he is going home to her every night and she is there taking advantage of him. I've told him he deserves a better life but he doesn't respond. Then there are things like today...we almost ran into one another at a restaurant. He was there with his mom and family for Mother's Day and my friend and I were on our way there as well. I assured him that I won't talk to him around his family. But then earlier in the day, after talking on the phone for 2 hours, I was in between jobs and he was at the office. I asked him if I could stop by and I did. We laughed and talked for an hour or so. He had no concerns about the video cameras picking me up and him getting into trouble.

 

I don't know if things will every change. She has used him for many many years, has left him and cheated, has done some stupid things and he takes he back. He's told her to move out in the past and she basically breaks into his house and moves back in! He told me he finally got tired of telling her to leave.

 

Lonely nights like this, I feel like I'm wasting my time and think I must be stupid for being the OW. But I have never felt like this about anyone in my life and we have a great connection.

 

I don't even know what I'm asking on here, I guess just what should I do?

 

Thanks everyone!

[Veronica73]

don't know if things will every change. She has used him for many many years, has left him and cheated, has done some stupid things and he takes he back. He's told her to move out in the past and she basically breaks into his house and moves back in! He told me he finally got tired of telling her to leave.

 

Lonely nights like this, I feel like I'm wasting my time and think I must be stupid for being the OW. But I have never felt like this about anyone in my life and we have a great connection.

 

I don't even know what I'm asking on here, I guess just what should I do?

 

Thanks everyone!

 

OMG. Please. Just stop. She is not using him. Or maybe they are using each other. But... do you have any idea how ABSOLUTLY crazy it sounds to say that she breaks into his house and that he gave up trying to tell her to leave? That is.....there is no possible way on earth that is even remotely true. That is completely batsh*t insane, completely untrue and I don’t know how you could believe it for even a second. Just stop. You are being completely irrational. This is not a good person to be involved with.

Edited May 13, 2019 by Veronica73

[TooBad]

OMG. Please. Just stop. She is not using him. Or maybe they are using each other. But... do you have any idea how ABSOLUTLY crazy it sounds to say that she breaks into his house and that he gave up trying to tell her to leave? That is.....there is no possible way on earth that is even remotely true. That is completely batsh*t insane, completely untrue and I don’t know how you could believe it for even a second. Just stop. You are being completely irrational. This is not a good person to be involved with.

 

 

 

I disagree. There are just people that do things 'normal' people can't imagine doing. It can be true. The dynamic of a disfunctional relationship is not something every person can comprehend. Having been attuned to it, and especially with someone who either has suicidal tendencies or uses it as leverage even, it can be very hard to leave someone.

 

 

Regardless, I think it would be better to cut and run. You won't be his saviour that 'frees' him from this woman. If anything, you just make his situation more bareable and keep him there.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Even though you and he have this special connection with great sex, he still stays with this woman who is "using him" and whom he's told to leave so many times he's tired of it.

 

Why wouldn't he just begin making public appearances with you as his gf now? If he did that would solve the problem of having a woman live with him that he can't get to leave, wouldn't it?

 

Point being, there is some reason he keeps this woman around and it must be a pretty significant reason or he'd let her go and go public with you. Right?

[elaine567]

Same old, same old.

My "wife" doesn't understand me...

 

For all you know she may actually own the house...

BUT even if she doesn't, older men don't tend to leave.

He has a nice little set up there. "Wife" at home and you on the side, what's not to like?

Believe me, the one taking advantage is not her.

You ARE wasting your time.

 

This man has a wall built up and he doesn't let anyone in to his personal life or his heart. But he has confided in me things he's never told anyone else and to me,

that means we have something very special. We've done sexual things that neither of us have done with anyone else.

No it doesn't, it is a common MM ploy. He builds a bond by sharing secrets with you he has "never" told anyone else, you give him sex in return. You get emotional connection, he gets sex.

You are "in love", he is most likely in love with the sex you provide...

[Veronica73]

I disagree. There are just people that do things 'normal' people can't imagine doing. It can be true. The dynamic of a disfunctional relationship is not something every person can comprehend. Having been attuned to it, and especially with someone who either has suicidal tendencies or uses it as leverage even, it can be very hard to leave someone.

 

 

Regardless, I think it would be better to cut and run. You won't be his saviour that 'frees' him from this woman. If anything, you just make his situation more bareable and keep him there.

 

Well...maybe you are right. But no “normal” person in their right mind would want to get involved in the messed up situation. There are plenty of other people in the world you can have a “connection” with. Stay away from this. It’s all kinds of messed up.

[Juliet1985]

First I'll say, he hasn't said she is using him, he doesn't talk about her at all. Others have told me the things she has done to him, not him. We've only had sex three times, twice in December and once a week ago. He doesn't ask for sex ever, as a matter of fact, he is extremely shy when it comes to sexual things and I have to initiate most things. But we do talk every day all day about everything, rarely sexual talk but talk about life and every day things. We definitely one anothers best friend, but not sure if or when I'll be more than that.

[BTDT2012]

I don't even know what I'm asking on here, I guess just what should I do?

 

 

 

Accept that what you have is all you will ever have with him. My advice would be to move on, and stop listening to what other people say about his relationship.

[What_Did_I_Do]

 

She has used him for many many years, has left him and cheated, has done some stupid things and he takes he back. He's told her to move out in the past and she basically breaks into his house and moves back in! He told me he finally got tired of telling her to leave.

 

 

Yup, you are the OW.

 

And now he is using you, cheating on her and doing equally stupid things. If she really was breaking into his house and he did not want the woman there, the authorities would be called and/or he would obtain a restraining order. Odds are pretty good they get into a heated argument, kick up a bunch of sand, then resume life as usual once they both calm down.

 

You're not buying his cr*p OP - are you?

 

Run, not walk, away from this situation before things only get worse.

[mark clemson]

We've only had sex three times ... We definitely one anothers best friend, but not sure if or when I'll be more than that.

 

Well, you've been more than friends for a while then actually. FWB at a minimum.

 

Messed up people do messed up things sometimes, perhaps this woman has no other place to go except the street, and he feels some level of responsibility or attachment + before you had no one else.

 

IF we take everything at face value - let's say he leaves this strange lady for you and you two eventually move in together. After a while she breaks into your shared home. Now you have to deal with her too. Is that what you want for yourself?

 

IF you're willing to take that chance for him, you need to find out what the real deal is with her. This probably means some real looking into it on your part - getting him to talk, seeing and talking to HER, more detailed talks with anyone who knows her and possibly chats with local police etc too.

 

If you aren't pretty frickin' sure you know the full parameters here, you shouldn't move forward beyond FWB IMO. If you even wish to maintain that. Your emotional connection is only likely to grow.

 

As others have pointed out he could be lying - she could easily be a wife who developed mental illness or similar. Think you'd better figure out what the REAL deal is with all this.

[BaileyB]

We became friends pretty quickly and I was attracted to his rock star looks, genius brain and the funniest person I've ever met.

 

He sounds perfect - except for the fact that he is living with his long term partner and he is a hermit who rarely leaves home.

 

Seriously, why would you ever involve yourself with a man who is in a relationship, especially with a woman who is unstable and suicidal (by your own account)? That doesn’t sound like a particularly smart of safe thing to do. What would you say to a friend if she got herself into a similar situation... I doubt you’d say - go for it!

 

I’m sure the fact that you have heard less than positive rumours about this woman has fostered your belief that he would leave and you could be together. You are here asking the question - why would a man stay in this situation? Plenty of men do... and you don’t even know that what you have heard is the reality of the situation.

 

As is often shared on this board, “married men” don’t often have to do much before the OW starts to create her own story... I think that’s very much what is happening here. It’s pure fantasy - everything from his rock star good looks, to the fact that his partner is completely unstable and taking terrible advantage of him, to the idea that he is your best friend and soul mate forever... I’m sorry, but it’s all pretty text book, and it’s unlikely to the the happy ending you seek.

 

The bottom line - he is with this woman because he wants to be there. If he didn’t want to be with her, he wouldn’t be living with her. Best you disentangle yourself from this very dysfunctional situation and find someone who is available for a relationship. This will only hurt more as time goes on...

Edited May 13, 2019 by BaileyB

[Bittersweetie]

Your post seems to me a big case of "I am going to save this man."

 

Juliet, this man is going to do what he's going to do, you cannot "save" him or "fix it" for him. Like TooBad said, you are not going to free him from this woman...he can only deal with his life himself. And even if this situation is so messed up that he "can't" leave (info based on third party gossip, since he won't talk to you about her)...why would you even want to get involved in that drama? Just for a special connection?

 

FWIW, my MM told me we were "special" and he'd "never done this before" which turned out to be a lie. Yes, I know, your MM is different, your relationship is different. But I agree with PP, you need to move on, sooner rather than later.

[preraph]

Oh, the old "suicidal wife" excuse. That is a typical married man excuse. Doesn't matter if they're legally married or not. He lives with her. She'd commit suicide if I left her. She's not stable, she needs me.

 

On top of that, set your emotions aside for a moment. You yourself said he's cheating on his partner sexting women while she's right there.

 

Do you want a guy who 1) Just isolates himself in his "computer room," 2) is a "hermit" and doesn't like to leave the house that much or socialize and 3) cheats on his partner for sex? He's evading the relationship issue because it's just sex. Him and his partner are two peas in a pod. She doesn't like to leave the house either and require anything like that of him. She lets him sit in front of her sexting other people and isolating himself instead of coming to bed.

 

She's not going anywhere. He doesn't really want her to go anywhere. He just wants sex on the side.

 

He doesn't sound like a catch at all, so you need to open your eyes about him. He's a cheating hermit. What fun.

[Starswillshine]

Every day he wakes up and looks his "wife" in the face and boldly lies to her. Do you think he would be different to you?

 

I know OWs get caught up in the idea that you must be special if he is willing to cheat on his wife. Actually, it just means he is a messed up, weak man. Who wants any part in that?

 

You dont have any idea what their agreement is. You are looking at what people told you and what he says with no doubt a ton of confirmation bias. Maybe she has a large trust fund, maybe it is all in his house. Or maybe he is like my xWH who wanted me to stay home, not work so that I could be dependent on him so 1- he had someone to handle EVERYTHING and 2- I would be less likely to leave him when I found out about all his GFs.

 

Run, girl. Run! These guys are no good.

[jenkins95]

Every day he wakes up and looks his "wife" in the face and boldly lies to her. Do you think he would be different to you?

 

I know OWs get caught up in the idea that you must be special if he is willing to cheat on his wife. Actually, it just means he is a messed up, weak man. Who wants any part in that?

 

You dont have any idea what their agreement is. You are looking at what people told you and what he says with no doubt a ton of confirmation bias. Maybe she has a large trust fund, maybe it is all in his house. Or maybe he is like my xWH who wanted me to stay home, not work so that I could be dependent on him so 1- he had someone to handle EVERYTHING and 2- I would be less likely to leave him when I found out about all his GFs.

 

Run, girl. Run! These guys are no good.

 

I'm afraid she's right, Juliet. I'm a reformed character now, but I was a bit like him once.

 

MM may not actually set out to hurt people, but if they took five minutes to think through things logically, both MM and OW should see clearly that, as soon as they start their relationship, hurt is guaranteed for at least one person. And probably several. By definition, someone married who lies to his wife's face while pursuing a secret double life is all kinds of messed up.

 

My advice is to walk away now while you are still at least partially thinking logically (as evidenced by your concerns in your posts) and before this thing really gets a hold of you.

 

You'll be fine, just give yourself a little time to get over it and then you can get into a relationship with someone who can be 100% yours. It will be like paradise after this.

 

Thinking of you. Good luck and keep posting.

Edited May 14, 2019 by jenkins95

[somanymistakes]

Dear OP:

 

It's important to remember that you don't know everything about your MM.

 

It's also important to remember that the forum doesn't either. Some people here will do their best to gaslight you and tell you that everything you feel is wrong, everything you think you believe is a lie, and that you are crazy and stupid.

 

And you know? Sometimes they have a point. But sometimes they are projecting. Don't take our word as gospel - but don't take HIS word as gospel either. Use your critical thinking skills. Examine the situation. What makes sense? What doesn't?

 

Suicidal girlfriend who's hard to leave and who a guy is off-again-on-again with? Sure. That's definitely a real thing that happens, and leaving someone in that situation is hard. But just because it's hard doesn't make it impossible. If he's staying, he's staying for a reason. What's the reason? YOU know that much better than we do.

 

It doesn't sound like he wants to leave. It sounds like he is enjoying where things are with you - a relationship without a name, or a structure, or all those 'complications'.

 

Is that what you want?

 

 

 

(As for "there is no way on earth the breaking in is true" bit? I literally knew someone whose mother did that to his father several times. YES, IT HAPPENS.)

[Amethyst68]

First of course you're the OW, why would you even think you're not? You're seeing and having sex with a man who's in a relationship and living with an other woman.

You just moved to this town, you should be meeting people, putting down roots, not sitting in waiting on this man to contact you or come see you. Or go driving round town like a couple of teenagers who are young to get in anywhere else!

[Beendaredonedat]

Juliet you do know you are afraid of commitment, right? Anyone who was not afraid of commitment would never have let themselves become vulnerable to a man (or woman) that they could not give commitment or get commitment from.

 

You are wasting valuable dating time on a man that will take what you give as long as you enable him to but he will not commit to you and even if he did, you would live your life with him in turmoil because you would never be able to trust what he's doing when he's out of your eyesight.

 

Wake up, luv and end this fiasco you have going on with this man. He has you addicted to him so you'll be going through some emotional with drawl from him at first but in time you'll get to the stage of indifference to him. While you are rehabbing from your addiction to him, you'd do well to work on that apparent fear of commitment you are embroiled in.

 

First I'll say, he hasn't said she is using him, he doesn't talk about her at all. Others have told me the things she has done to him, not him. We've only had sex three times, twice in December and once a week ago. He doesn't ask for sex ever, as a matter of fact, he is extremely shy when it comes to sexual things and I have to initiate most things. But we do talk every day all day about everything, rarely sexual talk but talk about life and every day things. We definitely one anothers best friend, but not sure if or when I'll be more than that.

 

Geeze! Don't "best friends" do more with one another than ride around in a truck and shoot the chit?

Edited May 26, 2019 by Beendaredonedat
Adding.

[adna89]

Before i got married i too had this thing with a guy who lived with his gf,we would talk everyday till 2 am it was sick how he could do it? he tolerated so much from me ,and well i would say he was honest with me because we talked so much and never had sex so he obviously liked me .Boy i was wrong once she found out about us.so my advice is just leave it you will get hurt