I need some advice - how do we get rid of "HER"

[I Survived]

It's been a while since I posted on LS because things have been going very well after the EA my husband had with his 30 years ago girlfriend. Since he told her it was over (May 2004) we have worked very hard to build the relationship we have now. It was not easy but we are great now. The problem is, every once and a while he will get an email from a job search company that he never registered for, he had a star named for him this month for his birthday, and just recently he received an email from a web site who-remembers-me. He has had no contact with her since he broke it off except for one time when I asked him to send her an email to tell her to leave us alone. She has also sent me emails, laughing, smiling, saying he will always be a part of him, clearly she is off her nut. We have told her that we will send a letter to her husband if she doesn't stop the nonsense. My husband said we should change our email addresses and I bristle and say why should we change our lives for her? I'm beginning to think he's right. What I'd like to know is do we tell her husband or is there something we can say to her to make her stop. Or is changing the email addresses the way to go. I'm only afraid that she will start calling, our phone number is public and I think I may have had a few hangups already. This is driving my bonkers. I wish she would go away and stop reminding us of that horrible time. My husband wants to bury his head in the sand and he says just ignore her. I say it's only a matter of time before something she does cost us money (magazine subscription, etc.) Any advice? PLEASE

[LucreziaBorgia]

Print out everything she sends you, call up the OW husband and arrange to meet him and hand him what you find.

 

My husband wants to bury his head in the sand and he says just ignore her.

 

That's part of the problem. It could well be that he is in some sort of contact with her, and between that and the lack of proactive steps to end her contact she probably feels that it is some sort of open door that she can continue to walk through.

 

Take steps. Not the sort where you tell your H to write a NC letter (I've actually seen OW making fun of that, and a good deal of them receive from the MM a 'my W made me do this' apology followed by continued contact). Now is the time to take real steps.

 

1. Contact OW H and tell him everything, and show him printouts.

2. Contact a lawyer about harrassment/stalking laws in your area and have a letter sent to OW threatening legal action if she continues to contact you in any form.

3. Make sure there is no more contact - even if you have to consider a PI. Far too many BW have had the horrifying D-day after the D-day in which they find out the affair never ended.

 

I know you trust your H, and things are going well - but trust should never be blind, particularly when the trust has already been destroyed previously in this relationship.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, I would tell him. Obviously she thinks you're bluffing, but I would show her you aren't. Besides, most people do that to begin with, and you showed her respect by not doing it to begin with.

 

Then, I would change my phone number and e mail addys. Less headache for you both. She will probably be pretty busy once you tell her husband and that should keep her occupied for a while but that would prevent her from contacting you and stalking the two of you after you tell.

[I Survived]

I would have been in her face by now if she didn't live 600 miles away. Don't think I haven't considered a road trip. They have an unlisted phone number. I have her H email address but I'm not sure if she has access to it or not. This takes so much time and energy out of me. Whenever something comes up, my husband and I have a discussion, sometimes and argument, because I would say, How does she know that? He would say he doesn't know and tells me again that he has had no contact with her. Then, just recently, we realized that we belong to a few internet groups where we have posted information about us. She must surf the web all day long looking for stuff. My H has come to a point of exasperation - he has said "I have no proof that I didn't tell her these things myself" The intensity of that statement made me realize that he was telling me the truth - there has been NC. So I started to search for us on the web and I found several places where information about us could be found. There is one website where our email addresses were posted because we are officers. We've put press releases in the newspaper with us as contacts. We're like an open book, it's scarey.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Do you have her physical contact information (mailing address)? Would you consider paying a company to track down the unlisted number (there are companies online that do this.) Maybe you can get the number, call up OW H and arrange to have the stuff you have sent to an alternate address for him to pick up.

 

You will definitely want to get to the bottom of this. There is something off in the "obsessed OW" story - I don't think she would be this obsessed over someone and gloating unless she had some crumbs of hope coming from somewhere.

 

Maybe its just in the fact that she hasn't been stopped from doing what she is doing, so on some level she might see that as 'consent' from your H to keep doing it. Whatever the case, hopefully taking some strong steps will shut this down.

[I Survived]

I truly believe the "crumbs" are in her own mind. I've been in an obsessive relationship before and it's very easy to convince yourself that "he would be with me if it wasn't for her and he's staying with her out of duty". My H and I have shared everything - every contact that has been made since it ended. We keep no secrets from each other. He knows how much his infidelity hurt me and our marriage and he feels terrible about what happened. He had been out of work for a year and was very depressed. I was busy with my mom who was ill. He was prime for someone to pay attention to him. She made contact and it was off to the races. Months of hell not to mention the time after my discovery in trying to repair the damage. I don't want to be vengeful - I really feel sorry for her - but enough is enough. I know what her H does for work and the companies in that area a very limited. I checked websites that were available but there is one company that does not have one. I could call and ask if so and so works there. Is there any other way to find out where someone is employed?

[Mz. Pixie]

Where does her husband work? Send him the information certified mail to his place of employment- confidential to his attention.

 

I had a friend right after college. She'd been living with this guy for several years and something was "Up". He didn't work and basically sponged off of her- and she really shouldn't have been with him anyway. She found long distance calls on her phone bill to his ex. Long story short after digging she found all these letters to her man. The ex was remarried. The letters said things like, "I want to kill my children because they are not your and they are his" and "Everytime we make love I'm thinking of you".

 

After she repeatedly told this women to go away and she didn't (she should have just kicked him to the curb) she made copies of everything. She had postmarked envelopes with dates on it etc- she made copies of those. She made copies of her phone bills with all the information she didn't want them to see blacked out with marker. She then sent it all certified mail to the woman's husband at work- he had no clue!

 

I don't advocate that revenge and this guy was still cheating but this is a different story here. You do what you need to do to protect yourself.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey isurvived,

I am so glad you let this obstacle not keep you from your marriage and not let the OW come in between you two... I don't know how you overcome it .. How did you do it? I can't learn to trust my h like i use to since the affair!! Pm and help me through this.. If i was you i would do what MZ Pixie said tell her h make her .. she thinks she is being smart he probably don't know .. Good luck

[mopar crazy]

I'm so sorry that your H's exOW wont leave you two alone. She sounds like she has no life and feels the need to continue to make yours miserable. She is a nut case. I would change your email, and I know it's a PITA and it cost money, but I would also change your phone #. If this doesn't stop her then I would contact her H. She needs help.

[mymojo]

With all due respect, it's not up to you to get rid of her,that's your husband's responsibilty. Imho,if your hubby wants to change email addies as a solution I say go for it.

[peachtree]

... He knows how much his infidelity hurt me and our marriage and he feels terrible about what happened. He had been out of work for a year and was very depressed. I was busy with my mom who was ill. He was prime for someone to pay attention to him. She made contact and it was off to the races...

You keep rationalizing the affair with these excuses, or reasons. It sounds like, as you said, these two had a very close, intense love affair. It was not a fantasy, as you would like to believe. Unfortunately, it was and is very real. It is possible that he has had contact with her. If a person is involved in a very hot affair, it does not just extinguish itself when the jilted spouse finds out, much as the spouse wishes that would be the case. In many cases, they do continue having the affair. They lie to their spouses just as they did before the affair was discovered. Why wouldn't they? Do you see what I mean? And, please I am not trying to be mean here, just logical. Husbands are not forcefields preventing wives from ever having broken hearts again, for pity's sake. Hell, most of the husbands I've known have probably caused more heartache than happiness for their wives overall.

 

peachy

[greyskies]

That line "I have no way of proving to you I'm telling you the truth." Has bullsh*t written all over it. I was told the same thing and he was lying through his teeth. I hope this may not be true in your case but keep your heart in check still or its going to get ripped out of your chest again. And if it dont then good for you. I wish you all the best. May it be over with ASAP!

[Passing By]

I agree with those that say tell the OWs husband.

 

One of two things is happening here: They are still seeing each other and that's why she can't let go; or, she is a freaking psycho obsessed with your H who needs some therapy really badly. In either case, her husband should know.

 

Many times people will say the affair is over, it seems like it's over, you can't find any real proof that they're still seeing each other... but they find ways. Affairs are addictive. It is addicting to have someone falling all over themselves for a few stolen moments with you. Lots of times affair partners will just lay low and wait until the dust settles then start hooking up again later on when the heat is off. It happens all the time.

 

It could also be one of those bunny boiler fatal attraction things where the woman just can't take rejection. That could be dangerous to your H or to you or, god forbid, your kids. You do need to protect yourself. Some OWs become obsessed with their MMs and try to interject themselves into their lives in all kinds of ways. I have read one where the OW got pregnant, claimed it was his, told his W and everything, and then when the man stayed with his wife anyway, she suddenly had a "miscarriage" and cried and moaned and told the MM she was going to kill herself. Yeah. Whatever. She's still kicking. She was probably never pregnant at all, but imagine what it put his W through.

 

 

The OW is not your friend. Protect yourself.

[I Survived]

Oh, believe me, it's option #2. She is totally wacky. She's too much of a coward to act on any fatal attraction intentions. The affair was emotional which is much harder to let go of than physical, IMO. She lives 600 miles away, they never connected in person. I'm so excited because yesterday I obtained her home phone number for a fee. It is unlisted..... now I have the ability to call her H if the need should arise. Since we threatened to tell him we have not received any weird emails from her and this weekend my H is going to change his email address. I know he's done with her. Praise the Lord. Thanks everyone for giving me the courage to face this demon. I know that you all bring your own emotion into the response and I'm sorry that some of you are still in pain over the betrayal. It does hurt and it is scary to trust after he cheats but there is a light at the end of the tunnel...and it's not a train.

[Guest]

Hi. I don't think what she's doing is right - but if your husband had an affair with her, then from her perspective, he's left her for another woman - being you. I know that sounds stupid, but he possibly told her whilst he was having an affair that he loved her, not you, she made him happy, you didn't, etc. I think she sounds as though she's holding onto what she thought was a real relationship with your husband. He's acknowledged the truth, it seems, with you about what happened with her, but has he acknowledged the truth with her about what happened with you? I know she sounds bonkers, but she has gone from feeling great, to feeling abandoned, and is fighting that by trying to reverse it, by feeling attached still. I think that maybe your husband, could write her a letter or email - one with compassion for her, and apology to her, and validate that something existed for her to be still so upset about and unable to let go of. If he can let her know he understands why it felt real, and the connection for her still feels real, then he can give her the chance to let go for real, too. Generally, women don't have affairs with married men unless they have a strong lure, and re-visiting this might be hard for you and your husband, but he did invite her into his life, and yours (no doubt unknowingly), and he really should accept that this is not like in the movies where she is now off on her merry way... she's obviously still in a place of pain, and if he led her there, he should lead her out. Who knows... maybe he'll show her what courage and support from you can do for a marriage, and she'll stop jeopardising her own.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey I Survived,

I am so glad to hear that you have over come it all .. You are a better woman than me cause i still haven't got over my h's affair... You gotta be strong to have dealt with what you have ... How did it make your marriage stronger it hads done the opposite for me if anything it has made mine more weak!! PM me sometime maybe we can talk

[I Survived]

I'm thankful to all of you who posted comments to this thread. You have given me a lot to think about. <P> As far as telling her husband, he found out about a month before me that his wife was fooling around (albeit exclusively via phone and internet). He is already aware and frankly it's old news by now. We have not heard any more from her. I do maintain that should she pester us again, I will call her husband and tell him to tighten the leash. <P> I intend to focus on my marriage and make it healthy. My H and I are going to the therapist for a follow up meeting and hopefully she can help me understand why I continue to obsess over the EA. I think it's because my self-esteem was attacked and I needed to prove to my husband that I was better than her. Point is, he turned to her instead of me for emotional support. <P> Life is too short - I have more important things to do. <P> My husband does not want to make contact with her - he feels that it would encourage her ("oh he's just saying that because she wants him to") ("He really still loves me but he's doing the honorable thing by staying with her"). It's probably is much better that we ignore her. Time will tell.

[peachtree]

I Survived,

 

What's amazing to me is that you are SO SURE there was no sex between your H and TOW. I mean, do you have audio/video surveillance for the entire time he "was" involved with her? How can it possibly be that you are 100% sure there was no sex? Love and sex go together, humans express their love through sex, obviously. Just wondering, this has me baffled.

 

 

Peachy

[NOTSUREHECHEATS05]

I agree with the guess when she says that he invited her into your lives, I seems to me that you really love your husband and that you have forgiving him totally since you are standing by him but never let your guard down.... Always remember if he did it once he could do it again and the possibility increases cause he already had the habit of doing it, This OW has no right to be harrassing you, I would have already left his ass cause a OW in my face all the time NO WAY , My husband would have to get rid of her i don't care how, HE started it he should end it. Anyway since it seems he made a concious effort to leave this woman obviously he loves i hope that she does leave you two alone but i am not too sure it is obssession he might still be seeing her or talking to her, YOU have him confront her infront of you ..... and see how that goes.

[I Survived]

If two people spend hours upon hours talking on the phone and sending emails back and forth, they can express their love without having physical contact. In some ways it can expand the intensity of the "affair" because your mind can make the other person as sexy and beautiful as you like. There was no sex because she lives over 600 miles away and can't find her own way out of town. Add to that, her H watches her like a hawk because of previous offenses. I keep a day book and went over the entire 6 month period they were involved. There was only one opportunity for them to get together when he was on a business trip, but she could not meet him...nothing came to pass. I believe him because I know how awful he feels for the emotional infidelity. I have asked him over and over AND over again if he got together with her and he swears that he has not. Leaving him is exactly what she wants me to do. My H and I have gone to great lengths to make our marriage work. He knows she's wacky and he's very relieved that we are still together. I am sure that he will NEVER do anything like that again because I told him I would not forgive him again. Plus his existence on this earth would be over (if you know what I mean). I make sure that I do everything I can to keep the lines of communication open between us. We are aware of what went wrong - the reason he strayed - and we will never let that happen again. My life with him is so great now.

[aaa]

This was such a big mess and I'm so glad that you and your H are working through this. You are a extremely strong woman to take a stance to uphold your man. Thank God that they never met. Keep communication open.

[MustB1]

While there is a bit of jadeness, I also wonder how people believe there wsa not sex. My H flew to Holland without my knowing so I think ANYTHING is possible. Anyhow, I wanted to point out exactly what you said, which is that adultery is wholey based on fantasy and they couldn't have possibly LOVED eachother, when they do not share lives responsibilities it is easy to pretend.

 

I hope you didn't let the poster Hurt your feeling notsurehecheato5 seems to be a OP and she is trying to take digs at you. Ignore it.

 

I would certainly tell HER husband. It will be a good way for you to take oe more step in protecting your marriage.

 

Good luck to you.

[Topper]

I survived I hope that this all will pass for you. You have taken the high road in all of this, Working on your marriage is the right thing to do. Keep seeking help and keep the lines of communication open between you and your Husband.

There seems to be a few bitter woman here. They have their own agenda. You need only do whats best for you and your marriage. From what I have read here you are doing just that. I wish you luck and hope things keep working out for you and your Husband.

[sugar-rae]

Generally, women don't have affairs with married men unless they have a strong lure

 

Well, my case must be rare because my H's exOW was a gold digging whore!

 

She wanted "the boss" where she worked a.k.a. MY husband because she wanted it easy to begin with then much easier when he left his wife for her where she could quit and let him pay for her every want and need!

 

Men are stupid when they get a nice compliment or a "come on over sometime". They don't see the dollar signs in the woman's eyes or the horns on her head and pitchfork in her hand!

[peachtree]

If two people spend hours upon hours talking on the phone and sending emails back and forth, they can express their love without having physical contact. In some ways it can expand the intensity of the "affair" because your mind can make the other person as sexy and beautiful as you like. There was no sex because she lives over 600 miles away...There was only one opportunity for them to get together when he was on a business trip, but she could not meet him...nothing came to pass. I believe him because I know how awful he feels for the emotional infidelity. Plus his existence on this earth would be over (if you know what I mean)... he strayed - and we will never let that happen again...

600 miles would keep them from each other? You are deluding yourself if you think so. But, you know what, if it is true that there was no sex, you don't have a problem. Infidelity by definition means sex outside the marriage. So your problem doesn't even belong in this forum. As for your threats to your H's very existence if he strays in the future, wow what an incentive that must be for a spouse to make their so-called "marriage" work. The threat of violence! How romantic. We need to remind ourselves, when our spouse has fallen in love with someone else, we have already lost. There is nothing to fight for.

 

Peachy