Playing the field to avoid processing a relationship breakdown

[Trail Blazer]

Hi,

 

Last Sunday I broke it off with my girlfriend after having been together for an offical 12 months, 13 months if you include dating. She could have been considered a rebound, having met her online 2 months after separating.

 

I've chronicled my failing (at the time) marriage in another thread, as well as my ongoing dating issues with my ex-girlfriend.

 

I fell HARD for my girlfriend. Truth be known, I loved her more than I ever loved my wife. I truly loved my girlfriend and would have done anything for her. I still would. But I had to end it as she pulled away and it was killing me. For months, I tried to salvage things, but she kept on pulling away. Her inability to deal or confront issues meant that I had to do what she'd been hoping I'd do for some time. When I called time, she was clearly relieved.

 

When I went looking obline post-separation, I wasn't hurting. My marriage had been dead for years. We only hung on for the kids. I was ready to meet someone and feel that love again. I met someone who loved me for a fleeting moment, but then decided that we were at different stages and pulled away. I was devastated.

 

So, last Sunday when I called time, I knew it was the right decision. I felt a sense of relief. Then, 24 hours later it hit me. I really missed her. I cried privately, missing the 6 amazing months we had together. I'd never felt so alive. I just craved her. I missed her. I wanted, just her.

 

I have no desire to be in another relationship. I have no desire to be with a woman who wants to make me happy. Yet, I can't process the loss properly. So, I joined a dating site as a distraction. I just didn't want to see her on Messenger (we've agreed to remain friends). I didn't want to think about her. I wanted a distraction from her.

 

Without sounding full of myself, I seem to do fairly okay on dating sites, so I knew it wouldn't take long to get some female attention. I knew that it would be a distraction from the pain.

 

I joined POF. Not Tinder, not Bumble... just POF, for now. So anyway, it only took a day and I had about 8 girls I was in regular communication with. One girl was very forward, offering all sorts of platitudes. It quickly went from POF to text message and then, within a day, we were talking on the phone.

 

Now, I'd like to say that I was *honest* with my profile. I did say that I was "looking to date but nothing serious" in the preference box. So with that aside, the girl... she's a gorgeous 39 year old senior registered nurse at an old folks' home. No kids, she's smart, hard working and had "actively seeking a relationship." I'm 34, 2 kids and, well, as I said before... looking to datw but nothing serious.

 

In a month's time I fly out to Texas for 3 weeks work, where I'll continue a roster of working 3 on and 3 off. I've already told those which whom I have conversed that that's my impending work schedule. This girl said, "well, I suppose we'd better make the meet up happen before you go then" with a winky face. I just said, "well see how things pan out."

 

So, the weekend just gone, was kid-free for me. Saturday afternoon, when I was conducting some online study for my new job, this girl says, "Hey, I'm also doing study - just routine stuff to mainting my nursing registration. You should come over to mine and we can study together." I initially resisted the invite by telling her that I doubted much study would happen as it could be a bit distracting. She laughed and said, "well, if we both hurry up, maybe we can catch up later once our studies have finished."

 

To cut a long story short, that night I couldn't resist her invite, so I headed up to her place. She was only 15 minutes away from me. It's kind of crazy that she just trusted me. Honestly, I felt a little uneasy myself going to to a strange person's house at night who I'd never met before. But hey, I lived to tell the tale...

 

When I got to her house, I went inside and the first thing she said was, "thank you for looking like your profile pictures" before going in to tell me about some of the weird dates she'd been on.

 

She poured some wine, "just one glass!" I exclaimed, as I'd genuinely been unsure if she really did want me to stay the night. After I'd finished the glass, she poured another glass, filled it to the top and said, "oops!" before continuing on, rehrorically stating "well, you know it would be rude to not finish that glass, so I guess you will have to stay the night."

 

One thing led to another, including finishing off 2 bottles of Willamette Valley's premier Cab Savs. I left Sunday morning, only because she had lunch booked with her sister and mom for Mother's Day, otherwise, according to her, she would have stayed home all day "with you."

 

I went back home, then received a phone call from her, "hey gorgeous, wanna hang out at mine this evening? If so, I'll get some dinner on the way back from mom's." I agreed, so I headed back to hers. She'd cooked steak and salad and and wasted no time dragging me to bed. I stayed the night, and left really early this morning as she had a very early shift.

 

What was an amazing weekend of sex with this really hot nurse, who wore her Victoria's Secret lingerie just for me (as she liked to emphasize) and literally wore me out (between all thr red wine and the crazy sex) and the Blazers advancing to the Western Conference Final... I felt empty.

 

I was driving back home, and all I wanted to do was be with my ex-girlfriend. I'm sitting here at home, typing this before I head off to work myself, feeling as though, I cannot believe that what I experienced hasn't snapped me out of this stupor and made me grateful that I can readily find women who are willing to have wild, sex-filled weekends with me, 2 days after connecting online. Yet, it felt shallow and empty. And, I still miss her.

 

I don't know what the future holds. This girl may want more of the same. Lots of sex. But when that dries up, is she expecting me to be around for a relationship? I don't know... but she hasn't asked me what my expectations are. Honestly, I've never been "a player". I've always been married, or in a committed relationship... sleeping around wasn't a big thing on my "to do list."

 

However, OLD is there, readily available and, for those of us lucky enough to tap into a smorgasbord of women, there's seemingly a plentiful supply ready and willing to do all kinds of things in the name of sexual exploration.

 

I just don't know whether I go with the flow... or am I on a hiding to nothing by blocking out my sadness and succumbing to my primal insticts of meaningless, lustful sex.

 

I just don't even know how to describe what I feel. I want to feel like the weekend gone was just what I needed... but I sure don't feel like someone who's just gotten what they needed. I've blocked out the pain of a lonely weekend, by myself, missing my ex-girlfriend. However, am I doing my own emotional wellbeing a disservice in the long run?

 

I doubt anyone has the answer. Only time will tell. I just needed to get this one off my chest, though.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[r2323]

It sounds like not enough time passed for you to fully get over her and enjoy the new parts of your life that will be occurring from here on. I sort of know what you mean, at least in the sense of not feeling as joyful about something you should be joyful about. To me it was just my "I can fix anything" attitude clashing with something that couldn't be fixed and creating increased anxiety. As someone who's a combination of productive and sentimental, it's easy to get distracted by thoughts of unproductiveness and feeling like I've lost something important. You may be the same way, feeling as if somehow there is something you can do that you may have overlooked and you're wishing the current amazing time you're having was being spent with your ex who's fresh in your memory.

[Happy Lemming]

When I got dumped by a woman, I'd go out that evening searching for "Miss Right for tonight", and sometimes I would find her.

 

I think its great that you had sex with someone new, already. It will help you get over your toxic ex-girlfriend sooner. Having someone who likes you and wants to sleep with you definitely fills a void. I would tell the new woman about your job situation and how you will be out of town, then in town, etc.

 

And for those posters who want to flame you or me for getting back out there so quickly, I'll ask them "How big a dent should I put in my couch before I get back out into the dating world??" It does no good to sit around and feel sad over a relationship that didn't work. Life is short, waste no time and go enjoy yourself.

 

I'm sending you an electronic "High Five"!!

[preraph]

You can process the relationship here and in between hot sex, IMO. Look, half the battle after a breakup is keeping your self-esteem and confidence from taking a downward spiral, and being able to immediately date, even if it's meaningless sex, is a plus in that department, plus it's a distraction so you're not stressing ALL the time.

 

Don't UNLOAD on these women, though. Fine, tell them you had a recent breakup, remind them you may not be ready for a substantive relationship, but who knows, maybe one will hit just the right note and you'll be happier than ever.

[mark clemson]

Sounds like after you've processed the post-break up blues (not sure if it's true limerence or not, hope not), you have a lot to look forward to.

 

This weekend fling woman sounds like she's all about reeling in a man (at least at the moment). So, yes IMO don't be too shocked if she wants more than casual.

 

 

Can't always get just what you want, but sounds like you may enjoy the "consolation prizes" a lot more than you might have expected. Good for you.

Edited May 13, 2019 by mark clemson

[Trail Blazer]

It sounds like not enough time passed for you to fully get over her and enjoy the new parts of your life that will be occurring from here on. I sort of know what you mean, at least in the sense of not feeling as joyful about something you should be joyful about. To me it was just my "I can fix anything" attitude clashing with something that couldn't be fixed and creating increased anxiety. As someone who's a combination of productive and sentimental, it's easy to get distracted by thoughts of unproductiveness and feeling like I've lost something important. You may be the same way, feeling as if somehow there is something you can do that you may have overlooked and you're wishing the current amazing time you're having was being spent with your ex who's fresh in your memory.

 

That is the thing, though. I didn't join it with the intention to enjoy what just happened. I joined only to mask the sadness and pain of a relationship that I put so much into which crashed and burnt.

 

While most of my buddies would high five me and say awesome job, landing this hot kinky woman who's been all over me like a rash, it isn't as fulfilling as it should be. But if my objective was to be distracted, it has worked.

[Trail Blazer]

When I got dumped by a woman, I'd go out that evening searching for "Miss Right for tonight", and sometimes I would find her.

 

I think its great that you had sex with someone new, already. It will help you get over your toxic ex-girlfriend sooner. Having someone who likes you and wants to sleep with you definitely fills a void. I would tell the new woman about your job situation and how you will be out of town, then in town, etc.

 

And for those posters who want to flame you or me for getting back out there so quickly, I'll ask them "How big a dent should I put in my couch before I get back out into the dating world??" It does no good to sit around and feel sad over a relationship that didn't work. Life is short, waste no time and go enjoy yourself.

 

I'm sending you an electronic "High Five"!!

I wouldn't say that she was toxic. I think that term is a bit strong. But she's had a negative effect on me, so purging her from my thoughts has been something I've tried to do by being intimate with someone else.

 

This girl has been blowing up my phone since she got home. I don't want a relarionship with her, but she seems a little clingy and insecure. She's told me how much she wants to see me again, how amazing I was in bed and all these things she wants to do with me.

 

I'm living the dream, right? While still fielding offers from other girls on POF. I should be doing cartwheels... but I'm not. And I certainly don't want to lead her on. However, I do want to go back to her house and screw her brains out. We never spoke about expectations. She never asked, I never spoke about them... she just invited me over and it all happened from there.

 

Really, if she wants something more then she's gone about it the wrong way. I've replied to her texts, but I'm not keen on getting too deep with anything, really. To be honest, I think she's a little bit on the nutty/unhinged side. Her inhibitions are low, but if she's insecure and thinks luring men with sex is going to work, well she's wrong.

 

She sent me her full name and told me to look at her FB page. She broke up in December, she told me that, and told me she had not slept with one guy yet from POF because there wasn't any chemistry when they met. I don't think I believe her, as she invited me to her house before we'd met. Maybe she wouldn't have poured that extra glass if she didn't plan on ravaging me that night!

 

Ive told her about my changed work plans. She says it would be great, we could spend time together and she finds ambitious, hard working men very attractive.

 

I didn't add her on FB. I dont wanr to go down that path yet. I don't know man, my thoughts are all over the place.

Edited May 14, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[Happy Lemming]

However, I do want to go back to her house and bonk her brains out.

 

That is GREAT!! Go do it!! Its OK to surrender to your primal urges and just enjoy yourself.

 

You are both consenting adults, so don't over think things. Put your brain in neutral and just enjoy being wanted and desired for who you are.

 

You also told her about your new work schedule and she is cool with it. That obstacle was worrying me a bit, but since she understands it and is OK with it; there are no hurdles left you have to jump over.

 

I say buy a bottle of wine, go over to her house and have at it!!

[Trail Blazer]

You can process the relationship here and in between hot sex, IMO. Look, half the battle after a breakup is keeping your self-esteem and confidence from taking a downward spiral, and being able to immediately date, even if it's meaningless sex, is a plus in that department, plus it's a distraction so you're not stressing ALL the time.

 

Don't UNLOAD on these women, though. Fine, tell them you had a recent breakup, remind them you may not be ready for a substantive relationship, but who knows, maybe one will hit just the right note and you'll be happier than ever.

The feedback I'd received throughout my postings of my ex-girlfriend is that I have co-dependency issues and that I can't be alone, hence why I started dating so soon after separating.

 

I do think it's slightly differenr for me now, though. Back then, I'd been in a dead relationship for years. I wanted to feel love as much I wanted to feel the inside of a vagina. But now, I don't want to feel love. I don't care. I only wanted one woman to love me, and she didn't. So now, I just want to have lustful sex with many women to distract me from the hurt.

 

I have been honest when asked, but I've had no desire to talk about my past. I don't want to be understood. I am rather aloof. I'm not trying to be this mysterious, stoic guy, I'm just being how I feel like being at the time.

 

I don't think I will find love when I'm not open to finding love. I want to be alone, but use sex and other women's affection towards me, not as validation, because I am pretty happy and content as who I am, but just to distract me from feeling lonely and missing that one person.

 

Like I said, I don't know where this will lead me to. The nurse I had my weekend romp with has blown up my phone all day yesterday, telling me how much she enjoyed the weekend with me and how she wants to perform certain acts with me, etc. Honestly, I feel cold about doing things with her, but in the moment I'll do my thing and it will all work out, she'll be none the wiser.

 

If she keeps up this level of intensity outside of the bedroom, however, I will probably need to set the record straight and not give her any further reason to hope we'll bw in a relationship. I am just a little confused how an obviously educated and intelligent woman could possibly think offering sex on a first date, and talking all day over text about having sex with me, is going to want me to be ina relationship with her. Maybe most guys it would, but not this emotionally empty guy.

[preraph]

^ I agree with you that there's something off about this nurse. She sounds more like a sex worker than a nurse, frankly. So don't feel bad for not vibing with her and she should be the LAST person to have a problem with you letting her know you're multi-dating because the way she is, she's certainly done that before and still is. If you're turned off by her behavior, stop seeing her.

 

And I hope I don't have to say this: Use your own birth control, use a condom, with everyone.

[Trail Blazer]

Sounds like after you've processed the post-break up blues (not sure if it's true limerence or not, hope not), you have a lot to look forward to.

 

This weekend fling woman sounds like she's all about reeling in a man (at least at the moment). So, yes IMO don't be too shocked if she wants more than casual.

 

 

Can't always get just what you want, but sounds like you may enjoy the "consolation prizes" a lot more than you might have expected. Good for you.

 

Hmmm. I've put more effort into attracting women via carefully selecting the best photos I have on my phone for my profile than I ever did when I was OLD previously. I hear that it's pretty uncommon for men to get a lot of messages from women - it's usually the other way around. For mine, I've had a fair few messages from girls, but more telling has been the fact that, despite who has initially engaged the other party, I've found the girls have been really engaging in discussions with me.

 

Only last night I've had one Asian girl constantly comment on my looks. We exchanged a few more pics via POF, and she told me how much "you're my type." My background is Mediterranean, so five o' clock shaddow, etc. dark hair, eyes, olive skin. She says how turned off by other Asian men she is. I mean, I just need to say the words and "we're there." Asian girls aren't necessarily "my type" (dunno, never been with one) and this one isn't close to the hottest Asian girl I've seen. Who knows, I'll keep her on the hook and maybe go down that path at some point.

 

I guess, where I'm coming from is, none of this stuff fulfills me or makes me feel awesome in any way. It's not as though I'm a prude who's morally disgusted with my own actions, it's just... I don't know how to put it. I shouldn't take it for granted, really, I know, as many guys would love to be able to pull it off - including my younger, married and trapped self who pined for some excitement while suffocating under the weight of a toxic marriage.

 

Maybe it will just take some time to really get my head in the groove and I'll truly appreciate the sexual freedom afforded to a reasonably attractive, single male. Hopefully I will, because right now, as sad as it is, my heart still yearns for one woman.

Edited May 14, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[Trail Blazer]

^ I agree with you that there's something off about this nurse. She sounds more like a sex worker than a nurse, frankly. So don't feel bad for not vibing with her and she should be the LAST person to have a problem with you letting her know you're multi-dating because the way she is, she's certainly done that before and still is. If you're turned off by her behavior, stop seeing her.

 

And I hope I don't have to say this: Use your own birth control, use a condom, with everyone.

I agree, she's still very much active on POF and updates her pics regularly. She can't have a problem with what I'm doing. But her messages are weird. If we could attach photos I'd put a couple of screenshots up so you could see what I mean.

 

And yeah, I'll be using my own birth control for everyone. I only stop using condoms when I'm in a comitted relationship and I know she is using birth control. Although this nurse took the pill im front of me both mornings we had breakfast and told me she has endometriosis, that's why she does it. I'm not sure if she was hinting "ddot use a bag next time" or what!?

[Veronica73]

I don’t think there is anything wrong with being promiscuous. I do have to wonder about the avoidance of processing the end of your relationship. Maybe not so healthy in the long run. But maybe it is. I don’t know. Glad you’re having fun. Or at least hope you are.

[Trail Blazer]

It feels like my active avoidance of processing the hurt is not fool proof. Things like driving home, going past restaurants/take out places where we ate/met family etc are all triggering memories. I don't think about her all day then these memories manifest themselves into the reality that I miss her.

 

I always thought of love as more of a human construct used to describe a profound emotional attachment to someone. I don't know what it actually is, but I know that the degree to which I loved my ex-girlfriend was a lot greater than any other human (my children excluded - that's a different kind of love) I've had an emotional desire for.

 

I hate feeling like this. She never loved me to the degree with which I loved her. It made me trust her more than I should have. I feel like a fool. She did me no wrong, other than not mirror that emotion. I invested too much and got caught up in thinking that if I feel this way about her, it has to be true. I still don't believe her reasons for not fighting for us. Those have been documented in my other threads.

 

Maybe it's all true, I don't know I suppose. Maybe I'm just struggling to accept that she really did have a desire to be with me forever, but got scared off by my baggage.

 

All I know is I can't sleep tonight. I had too many triggers driving home tonight. I sleep well most nights, but my brain is racing a bit.

 

I spoke with my ex-girlfriend's brother on Messenger. He came down to Portland from up state to see a specialist for finger surgery for a football injury. He was staying with her for a few days while recovering. Ordinarily I would have seen him in such a period of time he's in town, like getting take out or something.

 

I knew he'd gotten back home yesterday, so I flicked him a message hoping that the surgery and his recovery went well. We always got on really well, so I genuinely wanted to send my well wishes.

 

So anyway, he replied thanking me and getting into a discussion about a few things. It dawned on me that perhaps he had no idea I was no longer dating his sister. It felt real awkward, as I'd assumed she would have mentioned it to her family. Then again, she has a knack of going quiet and distant.

 

I don't really know what to do there - whether it's my place to even say anything if she hasn't mentioned it. I have just kept my answers short and a bit vague, hoping I don't have to answer anything specifically about his sister.

 

I am seeing the nurse again Friday night after work. She's blown up my phone all week. I think she's actually crazy. The sex was so hot and I am looking forward to it. I feel like this relationship will blow up into something not that great. I still haven't told her my last name, let alone added her on Facebook like she keeps hinting at. At some point soon she will want to come to my place. I don't know that I want that if I feel I need to make a clean break. There's something a bit "bunny boiler" about this one.

 

Thanks to anyone reading. I just needed to get things off my chest at this ridiculous hour of the night

Edited May 16, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[snowcones]

I'm guessing you're really handsome. If you're handsome (you don't even have to have a job or any money or do any work) you're going to hit a goldmine of women. I can't speak to the quality of them though and I don't buy into the mantra that getting back out there is the best way to get over someone. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself so that you can become the best person you can be and attract the highest quality woman that you want into your life.

Edited May 16, 2019 by snowcones

[divegrl]

I am so sorry for what you are going thru and how you are feeling.

 

This new girl really likes you. Maybe you should take some time to heal before dating again.

 

Having sex with this new girl won’t help you heal any faster. Healing comes from within. I hope you are able to find peace my friend.

 

Have a beautiful day.

[FMW]

Have fun, be safe, and be honest and fair with women about your lack of emotional availability.

 

You can avoid processing your pain for a while, but you can't avoid it forever. So in between your moments of fun understand you will be dealing with the not so fun heartbreak. It's normal and will eventually pass. Just don't pass on that heartbreak to any unsuspecting women in the meantime.

[Trail Blazer]

I'm guessing you're really handsome. If you're handsome (you don't even have to have a job or any money or do any work) you're going to hit a goldmine of women. I can't speak to the quality of them though and I don't buy into the mantra that getting back out there is the best way to get over someone. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself so that you can become the best person you can be and attract the highest quality woman that you want into your life.

 

I'm no Brad Pitt, but I seem to do okay for myself.

 

The thing is, I don't actually think what I'm doing is good for me emotionally. I feel like I should just be processing it, rather than distracting myself. But then, am I socially conditioned to think that what I'm doing is immature and selfish, when in actual fact it's perfectly normal and reasonable? I just don't know.

 

I am focusing on myself. One thing I can say is that POF is a distraction from her, from thinking about her, from stalking her FB/Insta and wondering what she's up to, etc. My career goals are all falling into place perfectly. I've always been able to compartmentalize that stuff anyway.

 

Eventually I will want be in a position to let my guard down and be vulnerable to abother woman in my life. But right now, and not for a while I don't think, I certainly want nobody coming through these walls. I'm emotiinally numb and have no love to give. All I can give is physicaly affection, and empathy, which will prevent me from treating women as though I'm a total @$$hole.

[snowcones]

I am focusing on myself. One thing I can say is that POF is a distraction from her, from thinking about her, from stalking her FB/Insta and wondering what she's up to, etc. My career goals are all falling into place perfectly. I've always been able to compartmentalize that stuff anyway..

 

 

I don't know, maybe you're right. This video really helped me. There's always self-help books to read and helping others, as well, as your career. I'm about to be tested by my ex this weekend myself, so I don't know. I just can't do casual relationships or casual sex, etc. Platonic friendship is just about all I can do. Good luck.

 

 

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/683991-how-fix-broken-heart

Edited May 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mrin]

What was an amazing weekend of sex with this really hot nurse, who wore her Victoria's Secret lingerie just for me (as she liked to emphasize) and literally wore me out (between all thr red wine and the crazy sex) and the Blazers advancing to the Western Conference Final... I felt empty.

 

Love this paragraph.

[Happy Lemming]

All I can give is physicaly affection, and empathy, which will prevent me from treating women as though I'm a total @$$hole.

 

You and this woman are two consenting adults having some fun. No need to overthink the situation. There are/were no promises or commitments made regarding anything long term or permanent, so just enjoy the time you are having with this individual.

 

Enjoy your new found success with your job and the fact that your new lady is OK with you traveling out of town for a couple of weeks.

 

You are in a WIN-WIN-WIN situation. Its OK to be happy and leave the past in the past. Don't dwell on what you have lost, look at what you now have!!

[Trail Blazer]

What was an amazing weekend of sex with this really hot nurse, who wore her Victoria's Secret lingerie just for me (as she liked to emphasize) and literally wore me out (between all thr red wine and the crazy sex) and the Blazers advancing to the Western Conference Final... I felt empty.

 

Love this paragraph.

Pity we're down 0-2 in the series. It's going to be a Warriors vs. Bucks final. I'm still so proud of the team, and so too would the late Paul Allen have been.

[Trail Blazer]

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/683991-how-fix-broken-heart

 

Thanks. I'll have a look a bit later.

Edited May 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Trail Blazer]

You and this woman are two consenting adults having some fun. No need to overthink the situation.

 

I know, man. It will just take a bit of time, that's all. I just don't think the nurse will settle for a FWB relationship for long. I can already see the signs. I'm just proceeding with caution at the moment.

Edited May 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Happy Lemming]

Pity we're down 0-2 in the series.

 

Things could be a lot worse, you could be a Phoenix Suns fan.

 

Or worse... being an AZ Cardinals fan.