Playing the field to avoid processing a relationship breakdown

[Happy Lemming]

I just don't think the nurse will settle for a FWB relationship for long. I can already see the signs.

 

There are no guarantees in life, each day I get to enjoy my girlfriend is a gift. At any point, she can leave me or find someone new or just decide to quit dating altogether. And the same goes for me.

 

As long as you are having fun, don't worry about the signs. Just enjoy the ride as long as it lasts.

 

Yee-ha!!

[Trail Blazer]

Things could be a lot worse, you could be a Phoenix Suns fan.

 

Or worse... being an AZ Cardinals fan.

 

This is true! It must be pretty agonizing for you!

 

Growing up in Idaho, I was a Blazers and Seahawks fan. The Seahawks got there in 2014. If the Blazers can win just one championship I'll die a happy man. I just don't think it will be this year, though. Steph Curry is just too good.

[Trail Blazer]

I've just received a message from the nurse. She apologized multiple times and said she's really embarassed to have to re-schedule but it's "that time of the month."

 

Does that in any way indicate that she only sees this as a sexual relationship? This could be a good thing, right? Or is she trying to avoid potentially getting turned down by me not wanting to hang out if sex isn't on offer?

[FMW]

Yes, sounds like the nurse understands where things stand. She herself may not be interested in spending time together if sex isn't on the table. Who knows, maybe she hasn't gotten over her ex either.

[Trail Blazer]

Yes, sounds like the nurse understands where things stand. She herself may not be interested in spending time together if sex isn't on the table. Who knows, maybe she hasn't gotten over her ex either.

 

I'd be very pleased if that was an arrangement we could both agree to. However, my gut is definitely telling me something different. My read on her is that she is a people pleaser and has a dysfunctional way of expressing her desire to be with a man, by giving him what she's conditioned to think he wants most; sex.

 

I can't help but psychoanalyze her because understanding her behavior guides the decisions I make and how I proceed from here. I'm sure I am about to learn a lot about this woman over the next few days/weeks.

[Trail Blazer]

So something really weird happened. As mentioned before, I was supposed to stay at the nurse's house last night. I was going to leave her house in the morning to pick up my kids for the weekend. She only lives 5 minutes away from my ex-wife's house in the the neighboring town (that in itself is a little concerning).

 

Anyway, I just headed up this morning to pick my kids from my place. I picked the kids up and decided the first stop would be to get some burgers for lunch. We drove down main street and I saw the nurse, walking with another man! My first reaction was, "hmmm, did I get stood up for a better offer, or...?" when I saw that. Hey, it's not as if we're in a relationship or anything. She's free to screw whoever she wants to, but I'll take exception to it if it comes at my expense to screw her!

 

So, I decided to send her a message and ask how she was feeling today. She had told me last night that she was going to the drug store to get magnesium to help with her menstrual cramps. She'd told me in response to my question that she was feeling better, the magnesium helped and she had just gone for a walk for an hour.

 

I replied by saying, "well, as a matter of fact I did think I saw you walking down main street earlier, so that was you?" Her response was, "yeah, it was, why didn't you stop and say hi?" Weird....

 

It would be so much easier if I could just screenshot the conversation, but anyway, the long and short of it all was that this guy is apparently the husband of a nurse friend shr worked with 15 years ago. They now live in L.A. but are back down to visit friends and family. They've got a 6 month old baby and mom was apparently feeding at the time. They were walking down main street as there was a wine sale on at one of the cellar doors (this town is in the Willamette Valley) and they wanted to bring a few bottles back home.

 

I'm not really sure what to make of that. It sounds pretty sus, but I guess I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now. I'm sure I'll talk with her again later. You'd have to say, it's not exactly a good look though for her, is it?

[Trail Blazer]

Other than that, I had a super-productive night on POF. I have 3 girls who are keen to meet up for a coffee, albeit one is a supernerd, an extremely intellectual who I could never see myself being in a relationship with, but as platonic friends go, she'd be awesome.

 

There's a girl who's an insurance broker. She's cute without being hot. Once again, I'm really surprised she hasn't said anything about my "wanting to date but nothing serious" preference and hers is set to "actively seeking a relationship." Does all that stuff get thrown out the window if there's real chemistry/sexual attraction, or what?

 

This girl seems super keen. She seemed stand-offish initially, especially when my first message to her was to make light-hearted fun at her username. But after an hour or so, she was replying to my messages with lightning speed, and they were a little bit giggly, a little bit flirty.

[FMW]

I know you pride yourself on your analysis skills, but sometimes it may take you down the wrong path.

 

Her explanation of who the guy she was walking with sounds perfectly plausible to me. I think maybe you're looking for problems because you can't quite figure her out, she doesn't fit into any of your pre-conceived notions of what women want.

 

Just be honest with her about your intentions and emotional availability and then it's up to her to either roll with it or take a pass. Maybe she's a people pleaser, or maybe she really is being straightforward with what she wants and what she's ok with.

[Trail Blazer]

Hi, Finding my way. Thanks for your reply

 

She asked if I could call her this evening after I got my kids to bed. So, I called her, and after I replied to the first thing she asked me, which was, "what did you guys get up to today?", I just said we went to town after lunch and played tourists in our own city for a few hours, then got back to my place and watched the Blazers fail miserably.

 

Now, before I go on with what she said after that, I want to preface it by saying that I've made it clear to her that nobody I date will be meeting my children for a long period of time. I explained to her how my daughter became so attached to my ex-girlfriend and how I had a big fight with my ex-wife about introducing my kids to her in the first place. The nurse, who shall be known as 'L', said she totally understood that.

 

So, with that being said, after I told her about our day, she said, "oh, that sounds lovely. I know it couldn't have happened, but I would have loved to have spent the day with you and your children. They are gorgeous kids (I've shown her a few pics on my phone) and I'm sure you would be a wonderful dad. It would have been so much fun."

 

I felt a little uneasy when she said that, but as is seemingly common with her, she talks quite a lot about herself and doesn't pause for too long before talking about the next thing that crosses her mind. So, that awkward pause quickly turned into her telling me her life story.

 

Firstly, she thanked me for being so understanding about her "girl issues." I told her that any normal, decent man would totally understand, and assured her that there was nothing to even be sorry about! She explained to me that not every guys is, though, and that her ex used to get angry if she spoke about it, so she used to just take pain meds and try to pretend she wasn't in pain.

 

She went on to say that she was a victim of DV and had a restraining order against her ex. She said he used to beat her badly and she has selfies she can show me with mutliple black eyes. I'm thinking, "do I really want to see them?" She explained why she moved from the suburbs out to the wine country. She wanted to get away from her ex, and she wanted a fresh start in a little country community.

 

She told me how her and her ex prior to him, whom she dated from the age of 25-35, tried for kids, but her endometriosis pretty much prevents her from having children. She said that IVF could work, but her and her ex never had the money to go down that path at the time. She said he became quite resentful of her as he, too, really wanted kids. She said he dumped her for a woman who could have kids and she found out that within 2 years of being left, he was a father. She said she was heartbroken and devastated, but happy for him deep down.

 

She said she couldn't date after that and concentrated on her career. She accepted she couldn't have kids. 12 months ago, which was almost 4 years after her ex left her for another woman with whom he had a child, L said she received a FB friend request from an old high school flame. The guy had 2 girls from a previous marriage and a good job. She said she always had a thing for him, and hadn't seen him in almost 20 years, but that he looked just the same. They dated for a while before she took the plunge and moved in with him after 6 months.

 

She went on to say that her life living with him for 6 months was hell. She said he had a good respectable job but did a very good job of hiding his true self. She said he would smoke meth in his shed while she cooked, cleaned and acted as mother to his children. She said he became increasingly controlling and aggressive. She said that when he had the girls, things were better as he would often do his own thing and would behave differently around them. She grew attached to the girls and adored them. But when they were with their mom, that's when the true monster came out.

 

She was sobbing on the phone, telling me this stuff. I didn't really know what to say, it was quite overwhelming. She then apoligized mutliple times if I felt "weirded out" and hoped I wasn't put off by her. She then said that she only wants to date single dads because she adores children and can't have her own, and that "there's nothing sexier than a 'hot' dad with his kids who love him back equally."

 

At this point in time I'm really just lost for words...

 

She then continued to say that she hoped I didn't mind that she showed her friends pictures of me. I told her, "no, not really... but who did you say I was to you?" and she replied, "Just a nice guy I met online. Nothing untrue there. That is okay, yeah....?" I said, "yeah, sure... all good."

 

L then went full circle, back to Friday night. She said she felt really bad about it, and didn't think she explained herself properly. She said the pain came so sudden, before she'd finished work, and was just struggling to get through the day. She said by the time she got home she wasn't thinking that clearly and just wanted to tell me as soon as she could not to come, as to inconvenience me as little as possible.

 

I tried to assure her it was okay. Then I told her, it was probably for the best anyway, given that she was catching up with friends early this morning. She said, "Oh yeah, but I figured you were leaving early in the morning to get your kids, like I was leaving as well. If you had come over, I was fully planning to tell you about what my plans were with my friends, so we could work out a time we both had to leave. But since you didn't come over because I was in too much pain, it didn't really matter anyway."

 

She then told me that she wanted me to know that the only reason she didn't want me to come over was because she was in too much pain and would have been terrible company. She told me that ordinarily, without the pain, even when it's that time of the month we can do plenty of "other things" *wink wink*. She told me that she would really like me to come past Sunday night after I drop my kids back to their mom's house. She assured me that we could still have a lot of fun, despite one part being out of bounds.

 

I've agreed to go over. I told her we can better talk about things in person.

 

What I'm struggling with at the moment is how I keep managing to attract damaged women? I always seem to get the similar types. Intelligent and in this case, professional with her life seemingly all in order, on the outside. On the inside, however, this is a very damaged woman.

 

It feels like I'm her great white hope. That she has illogically hinged all her hopes onto me being her night in shining armor. I don't want that! I don't want to break her, but I certainly don't have the desire to save another damsel. I'm done with that $h!t.

 

I need to carefully consider how I proceed from here. The most decent of people would tell her to consider what I want and that I'd never be what she wants. But I feel if I keep setting women free, I'll never really get what I want, which, to be fair, is something I've never really hidden. That is, NSA relationships based around sex.

 

This really is a conundrum for me. She's the perfect outlet for me to get what I need, but I know that in doing so, I'll be an emotional vampire who uses her for my own gain, knowing full well that she'll be left hung out to dry.

 

Sometimes I just wish being an @$$hole came easier to me. The world truly is an @$$hole's oyster, but I was brought up to be the opposite, and my mom would be disgusted with me if she ever thought I was using people for my own gain.

 

As always, thank you for anyone who's taken the time to read this. I don't have a diary/journel, but LS provides an outlet for me to express my feelings and chronicle events in my life.

 

My threads allow me to return to them at a later date, with the responses helping me to learn and reflect on my experiences.

 

So, once again, thank you.

Edited May 19, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[elaine567]

The trick here is to get involved with women who don't really give a damn, not nice, people pleaser, vulnerable women who see a future with you.

This nurse is NOT FWB material, she is already involved and attached... and as are you.. getting jealous...

[FMW]

Yikes, Trail Blazer. Ok, score to you! Your analysis skills do seem to be on point with this one.

 

I'm pretty sure in your shoes I would NOT have agreed to go see her in person after that meltdown, I would have been properly freaked out and turned off by it - way too early to be baring her soul. Good on you for being a nice guy, but sounds like the chance for drama with this one is high.

 

Women generally have one of two reactions after being so open and vulnerable by revealing their secrets. They either (1) feel bonded and expect the other person to feel that same connection, or (2) are embarrassed and a little appalled with themselves and then distance themselves from the other person (this one usually involves alchohol ). My guess is your nurse's reaction will be number 1.

[Trail Blazer]

The trick here is to get involved with women who don't really give a damn, not nice, people pleaser, vulnerable women who see a future with you.

This nurse is NOT FWB material, she is already involved and attached... and as are you.. getting jealous...

 

LOL. Getting jealous? Please! I have no emotional attachment to this woman. I agree that she's not FWB material, though.

[divegrl]

Please stop communicating with her. She wants a serious relationship. The more you go down this path, the more you will hurt her.

 

There are women who just want sex, but this is not one of them. Have compassion for her please.

 

Have a beautiful day.

[nolanola]

I cannot fathom why you would consider seeing (and sleeping with, I presume) this woman again. She sounds like a very damaged soul, as you've identified. I have been reading your thread for a little bit without commenting, but when I saw your most recent post, I felt like I had to weigh in. From the very first interaction you had with her, when she invited you over for sex, I could see this coming. She's using sex to try to bond with you in hopes it will get you to into a relationship. I would not be surprised in the least if she's been sexually abused in the past - clearly she has also been in destructive relationships.

 

If you continue sleeping with her, not only will it make you an a**hole, you may find that she makes your life miserable. I don't think she is going to have an easy time letting go of you, especially if you continue with her. If you get out now, I think it will be hard for her, but if you keep bonding with her by listening to her stories, sleeping with her, etc it will be 100x worse.

 

It seems like you have other options online - although I would advise you to be cautious with women that say they are looking for a relationship. Just as you feel you're being upfront with them by saying that you're not looking for one, they're being upfront in saying that they are. If you ignore that and proceed in a FWB type situation, you run a risk of getting someone really attached to you.

 

I have a lot of male friends that tell me about their relationships. Without fail, when one is telling me about how their latest girlfriend is "going crazy", it is very obvious that it was going to go this way when I hear about the beginning of the relationship. I think men are able to do this in the other direction too (advise their female friends on men they are dating) - maybe you need someone to run this by before you go out with some other women.

[Trail Blazer]

Sunday evening I'd received a message from L, she was having a few issues with her phone and some apps. Since I'm pretty good with that sort of stuff, I agreed to take a look. I told her that I'd "swing past after I dropped the kids back to their mom's place."

 

I got to L's house and sorted out her phone. She asked me if I was staying the night. I said, "I'm not sure... am I staying the night?" to which she replied, "Well, I don't know either. You said you were swinging past so I didn't know what that meant." She then said she really needed a shower, so she flicked on Netflix and told me to have a think about it and tell me when she gets out.

 

L came out of the shower in her silk nightgown and snuggled up to me in the sofa, kissed me on my neck and cheek and said, "I really like when you stay here." I knew I probably shouldn't have stayed, but damn did she look hot. She's incredibly sexy. Think Margot Robbie, but 10 years older. She reached down to my crutch area and said, "I think you want to stay here, don't you... I can tell!"

 

I ended up staying the night. Even though it was that time of the month we still did "other things", or more accurately, she did other things to me.

 

It was close to midnight when we turned the TV off and she asked me, "hey, I don't even know your last name." I told her, and thankfully having a Mediterranean background, my surname is difficult to pronounce and even moreso to spell, so she won't be able to easily search for me on social media.

 

She then asked me what I was going to do with my cat in a few week's time when I will be working for a month at a time in the Texas oilfields. The background to the cat is that it was my ex-wife's cat who I agreed to take with me after we separated as she was struggling to find a place to rent with multiple cats. So anyway, I'd told her I'd try to rehome her.

 

L started telling me about how her psycho ex made her get rid of her pets before she moved in with him. She grabbed her phone and showed me pics of her cat and dog and said she regrets it so much, how she feels like she let down her pets for a man who tricked and manipulated her and she really wanted to get anothet cat. So, L asked me if she could take my cat. I was really taken aback, so I told her, "my ex-wife said she knew a few people who she might be able to rehome her to." That wasn't actuallly a lie either, as she did say she'd try to help when I told her and the kids a couple of weeks back that I'd be working away.

 

L then said about 10 minutes later, when I was just about drifting off to sleep, that she "I would wait for you to to get back." I just said, "... okay?" in a curious tone and she clarified, "I will be waiting here, for you, to get back from Texas, in a month from when you leave." I replied, jokingly, "Well, you won't be waiting anywhere else, will you? You aren't moving any time soon as far as I know." She giggled, gently slapped me on my arm and said, "No, silly! What I meant was that I wouldn't hook up with anyone else while you're gone." She paused, I kinda said nothing, then she followed up with, "if you don't want me to, that is."

 

L claims that I'm the first person she's hooked up with since her psycho ex. Not that I care at all, but I refuse to believe that I'm such an amazing outlier she's found on a dating site compared to every other guy. I haven't even been particularly nice. I've been aloof and non-committal. Really, what gives?

 

So anyway, I just told L that I think we need to make time to discuss what *both* of us want moving forward. I told her it's a conversation that we need to have, but at after midnight when we both need to be up at 5.30am, now isn't the time. So I rolled over indicating I wanted to go to sleep. She was all over me like a rash, spooning me.

 

All of today she's been blowing up my phone sending messages, some dirty and some just saying things like, "I sleep so much better next to you in your arms" and the like. I've only selectively replied to some of those messages. She even sent me a selfie she just took at the gym, which said "hoping I don't look as bad as I feel... just had an exhausting session." The thing is, she actually looked smoking hot. I just told her she looked great for (the session she had told me she'd done) that effort, and she replied saying, "you're so sweet."

 

I know, I know... I need to take urgent action. I am too busy tonight but tomorrow evening I'll talk to her.

[Veronica73]

Sigh.

 

I’d suggest not hooking up with women who are actively looking for a relationship. I mean, I know she ignored what you were looking for in a relationship as well...but...seems like unnecessary drama (and possibly hurt on her part).

 

Also...isn’t Tinder more the thing for hookups?

[Trail Blazer]

Come on, Blazers! Please win in extra time!!

[Trail Blazer]

Shattered! There goes the series! I guess I have all summer to concentrate on sorting out my personal life.

 

Hmmm... Tinder? For hookups? Not in my experience. Most girls seemed to still want a relationship. That was 14 months ago when I was last on it. I doubt much has changed since then.

[Veronica73]

Shattered! There goes the series! I guess I have all summer to concentrate on sorting out my personal life.

 

Hmmm... Tinder? For hookups? Not in my experience. Most girls seemed to still want a relationship. That was 14 months ago when I was last on it. I doubt much has changed since then.

 

Okay, I admit I’ve never used it. So I’m sure you’re right. I always thought that was the point of it. (Probably the main reason I stayed away from it during my brief foray into online dating.) But still...maybe stay away from women who are actively looking for a relationship?

[snowcones]

My goodness, a lot of activity and posts over the last weekend. Which is why I think you'll be fine. You seem to have a constant stream of women available to you as options, so if it's not the nurse, it'll be someone else that you find. In time, you'll be in another relationship and back off the market.

 

 

PS - I'm a Bucks fan.

[snowcones]

L claims that I'm the first person she's hooked up with since her psycho ex. Not that I care at all, but I refuse to believe that I'm such an amazing outlier she's found on a dating site compared to every other guy. I haven't even been particularly nice. I've been aloof and non-committal.

 

You're probably the only handsome man in a sea full of ugly men. JS.

[mark clemson]

It was close to midnight when we turned the TV off and she asked me, "hey, I don't even know your last name."

 

Well that cracked me up.

 

...thankfully having a Mediterranean background, my surname is difficult to pronounce and even moreso to spell, so she won't be able to easily search for me on social media.

 

Yeah, do keep us posted. Sorry to be mean, but I'm curious if she'll turn out to be full bunny boiler, borderline, or just deeply deeply insecure. My money's on borderline.

 

You seem quite aware of the need to "catch and release" this one; hope it goes smoothly.

 

Definitely don't give her the cat. Think you might be putting it into a "hostage situation".

[elaine567]

Poor woman.

Not fair to exploit a vulnerable woman like this.

[mark clemson]

Dunno, she seems fully ready to exploit him to fulfill her needs (if he was inexperienced enough to go for it).

 

Gotta wonder about this "abusive BF" - she seems a little too eager to share the proof. Definitely awful if it happened, but with a person like this who really knows.

[divegrl]

This is just sad. She is already implying exclusivity. She is looking for anyway to stay connected with you.

 

She is in a really broken place right now. Please stop exploiting that. I hope you have that talk soon.