Playing the field to avoid processing a relationship breakdown

[Trail Blazer]

Okay, I admit I’ve never used it. So I’m sure you’re right. I always thought that was the point of it. (Probably the main reason I stayed away from it during my brief foray into online dating.) But still...maybe stay away from women who are actively looking for a relationship?

 

That would reduce my potential dating pool to a third of what it is now. Perhaps the onus should be on women to makr sute they fully understand what it is the man is seeking? I don't hide the fact that I'm not seeking to be in a committed relationship, yet women are still interested. Does that say more about me or them?

[elaine567]

I don't hide the fact that I'm not seeking to be in a committed relationship, yet women are still interested. Does that say more about me or them?

 

Trouble you have is that you act like a committed person, coming to fix things, repeat meetings, getting antsy about that other guy, sharing stuff about your kids your life, your job, you are giving her the impression that you are deeper in than you really are.

[nolanola]

If you get involved with women who are actively seeking a relationship, you cannot be at all surprised when they get attached to you. Just as they are ignoring what you are saying, you are ignoring what they are saying as well. You are using this woman to get over your relationship and she is using you to try to fill an emotional hole (no pun intended). Not sure one of those is a "worse" way of using the other person, but that's what it is.

 

If you keep going with this woman, I fear she is going to make your life miserable. You know she's not likely coming at this from a healthy place, you've referenced your concerns in previous posts. If you ignore that and continue to see her, this is going to end really badly for you.

[Trail Blazer]

My goodness, a lot of activity and posts over the last weekend. Which is why I think you'll be fine. You seem to have a constant stream of women available to you as options, so if it's not the nurse, it'll be someone else that you find. In time, you'll be in another relationship and back off the market.

 

 

PS - I'm a Bucks fan.

I wouldn't say a constant stream of women. Yeah, I do have one who seems pretty crazy about me. She's Asian. Not my type at all. I wouldn't go there. She's lovely though. We chat about various stuff. She knows I have no interest in pursuing anything serious with her.

 

Sure, I have 5's and 6's sending me messages, but I'm not keen. If I'm going to go to the effort, it's the 7s and up that need more effort put in to get them engaged. L is the outlier here, as she invited me up to her place, got me drunk and had sex within 4 days of connecting on POF.

 

I do have that insurance broker who seems really keen on me. She rapid-fire responds to me every time I write her something. We have sports banter all the time (she's Broncos and I'm Sea Eagles) and she can seemingly take a joke well, and dish it back in return. She's cute without being hot. I might ask her on a date soon. She seemingly wants a relationship, but I'll leave it up to her to figure out what I want. If she asks, I'll bw honest.

 

P.S. Bucks will beat Raptors. Please, please, please... beat GSW. I hate them with a passion!

[Trail Blazer]

You're probably the only handsome man in a sea full of ugly men. JS.

 

I'm flattered that you've arrived at such a conclusion without ever seeing me.

 

I'm sure there's plenty of handsome guys on the dating apps. From what I hear they're mostly jerks who repulse women with too many shirtless pics or just sending pictures of their junk. Man, some guys are plain dumb.

[Trail Blazer]

Trouble you have is that you act like a committed person, coming to fix things, repeat meetings, getting antsy about that other guy, sharing stuff about your kids your life, your job, you are giving her the impression that you are deeper in than you really are.

I don't quite agree. We all know that she only asked me to fix her phone as an excuse to get me to come over. All I did was clean up a few apps and tweak a couple of settings. I'm sure she could have figured it out if she really tried.

 

I can't help the perceptions that others have if I'm not actively seeking to create a certain perception. All I've done is answer questions like "what are you up to this weekend" with "the kids and I spent the day in the city." Should I just say "nothing" instead?

 

I-ve told all the girls I've spoken with about my job, as it's critical for them to know that my work scheudle will be me gone for a month at a time. So I'm not really sure what I did wrong there?

[Veronica73]

That would reduce my potential dating pool to a third of what it is now. Perhaps the onus should be on women to makr sute they fully understand what it is the man is seeking? I don't hide the fact that I'm not seeking to be in a committed relationship, yet women are still interested. Does that say more about me or them?

 

Boohoo. I already addressed this. (See below). And apparently, you are quite successful on OLD. But by all means, continue using damaged people as it suits you.

 

Sigh.

 

I’d suggest not hooking up with women who are actively looking for a relationship. I mean, I know she ignored what you were looking for in a relationship as well...but...seems like unnecessary drama (and possibly hurt on her part).

 

Sure, I have 5's and 6's sending me messages, but I'm not keen. If I'm going to go to the effort, it's the 7s and up that need more effort put in to get them engaged.

Lovely. How old are you again?

Edited May 21, 2019 by Veronica73

[Trail Blazer]

This is just sad. She is already implying exclusivity. She is looking for anyway to stay connected with you.

 

She is in a really broken place right now. Please stop exploiting that. I hope you have that talk soon.

You speak about her like she's some mentally disabled person I've sought out and taken advantage of.

 

This is a college educated woman, with specialist medical skills, who co-manages a nursing dept at a large old folks' home. She's answerable to the CEO and sits in on board meetings. She's the direct point of contact between the home and the ED and/or GPs who make site visits. You getting the picture?

 

Why is it that she can clearly make sound decisions in her professional career, but it's assumed she has zero ability to do the same in her personal life? She must adhere to rigid risk matrices to ensure best practise for her patients so that ahe can deliver the best outcome for their health.

 

Why would she be incapable of making a risk assessment about people in her personal life if she can make it for others? Why isn't she accountable for her own actions in her own life, when clearly she's intelligent and capable in all facts of her professional life? The attitude to best practise shouldn't stop the moment you swipe off for the evening.

 

I have already spoken with L via text message this morning. I've told her to call me when she gets home from the gym.

[Trail Blazer]

Boohoo. I already addressed this. (See below). And apparently, you are quite successful on OLD. But by all means, continue using damaged people as it suits you.

 

 

 

 

Lovely. How old are you again?

At what age should someone lower their standards?

[elaine567]

I-ve told all the girls I've spoken with about my job, as it's critical for them to know that my work scheudle will be me gone for a month at a time. So I'm not really sure what I did wrong there?

 

Why is this critical if this is about NSA sex, it is only critical for people in relationships, again you are acting like a relationship guy and giving out the wrong impression..

[Veronica73]

At what age should someone lower their standards?

 

Never. But you are actively engaging with women who say they are actively looking for a relationship, while you know you aren’t interested in them that way. And this whole “scoring” people on a scale is kind of gross. And comes off as immature. To me. But I guess that is how a lot of people view others.

Edited May 21, 2019 by Veronica73

[snowcones]

I'm flattered that you've arrived at such a conclusion without ever seeing me.

 

I'm sure there's plenty of handsome guys on the dating apps. From what I hear they're mostly jerks who repulse women with too many shirtless pics or just sending pictures of their junk. Man, some guys are plain dumb.

 

 

On dating apps most are ugly (which a lot of women are too nice to say) and yes the few handsome are dumb. So if you're handsome AND nice, you're golden.

 

 

I do have that insurance broker who seems really keen on me. She rapid-fire responds to me every time I write her something. We have sports banter all the time (she's Broncos and I'm Sea Eagles) and she can seemingly take a joke well, and dish it back in return. She's cute without being hot. I might ask her on a date soon. She seemingly wants a relationship, but I'll leave it up to her to figure out what I want. If she asks, I'll bw honest.

 

 

It's not fair to wait for her to ask. If you ask her out, you should make it known what you want. The reason is because there's a high chance that it'll be after sex that she will bring a conversation like this up, and then she'll feel used and be angry. It's really on BOTH people to make their intentions known. Yes she has a responsibility to herself, which she may not exercise and that's her fault, but you also have a responsibility too. You tell her before sex and before too much time has passed and she gets to make the choice if she wants to continue with you. If you have told her and she still chooses to continue with you with false hopes (which sadly is not uncommon), then that's on her.

P.S. Bucks will beat Raptors. Please, please, please... beat GSW. I hate them with a passion!

GSW vs Bucks is where I become torn. I really like them both and would like to see The Greek Freak win it all, but damn, I think GS might be the better team overall and will win it. It would be freaking amazing if the Bucks win though! Edited May 21, 2019 by snowcones

[mark clemson]

Why would she be incapable of making a risk assessment about people in her personal life if she can make it for others? Why isn't she accountable for her own actions in her own life, when clearly she's intelligent and capable in all facts of her professional life? The attitude to best practise shouldn't stop the moment you swipe off for the evening.

 

I have already spoken with L via text message this morning. I've told her to call me when she gets home from the gym.

 

So, I am not so quick to criticize as you've made it clear you're doing the right thing by this woman (and has been pointed out it protects YOU from her as well to an extent).

 

Some people really are like this. They have deep rooted insecurities and neediness and "lose it" a bit when it comes to relationships. Often they are quite intelligent and perfectly capable of holding down a job. In fact, if you visited an outpatient facility for psychiatric care, one thing that would surprise you is how many people with very serious mental problems are able to hold down even fairly high level jobs.

 

So, although it's counter-intuitive, there actually are plenty of people who's personal and emotional lives are in shambles even though they do quite ok at work. The nice lady at the front desk might be a hoarder. The quiet guy who does his work well but doesn't like to socialize might be schizophrenic. The cashier or bus driver might be on meth. Borderlines are GREAT at kissing up to the boss. It's what they do.

 

It's bizarre but also true.

[some_username1]

Why is it that she can clearly make sound decisions in her professional career, but it's assumed she has zero ability to do the same in her personal life? She must adhere to rigid risk matrices to ensure best practise for her patients so that ahe can deliver the best outcome for their health.

 

Why would she be incapable of making a risk assessment about people in her personal life if she can make it for others? Why isn't she accountable for her own actions in her own life, when clearly she's intelligent and capable in all facts of her professional life? The attitude to best practise shouldn't stop the moment you swipe off for the evening.

 

With respect OP you of all people should know the answer to that: you continually showed a distinct lack of objectivity in dealings with your ex girlfriend despite posters like me predicting her every move. You were too caught up in the situation and unable to see the wood for the trees until it became patently obvious that she had completely checked out.

 

Compare how you were with your ex with this woman and you will see it is quite feasible for this woman to make rational decisions in a work context and yet be kidding herself as to your intentions. We all want to believe when we find something too good to be true (didn’t you?) and the most desperate and hopeful are the absolute best at it. It is fine to spend time figuring out what you see in her but from the sounds of it you already know and are pretty much humble-bragging to us that you are going to discard her once she has fulfilled her use to you. Please don’t be *that* guy OP, you seem to be capable of being better than that.

Edited May 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[mark clemson]

It occurs to me that, ironically, however much we urge Trailblazer here to (genuinely) do the right thing by walking away, it's not going to help this lady.

 

I'm quite sure she knows EXACTLY what's she's doing. She is well aware that, despite what they may write in their profiles, many men will stick around for fun sex and eventually bond. So, while it may not be a way to get a specific man, it's definitely a way to get SOME man.

 

Perhaps it will be another abuser. Or possibly it will be a less experienced beta/emo guy.

 

And then when the other aspects of her dysfunction start to show themselves, the abuser will start abusing (if he hasn't already) or the emo guy will be shocked when the "wonderful girl" who was happy to give him hour long BJs or whatever starts ripping his life and emotions to shreds.

 

Think this thread helps Trailblazer a lot; don't think anyone's going to save this lady from herself, though.

[Trail Blazer]

Yikes, Trail Blazer. Ok, score to you! Your analysis skills do seem to be on point with this one.

After the chat I had with her tonight on the phone, I'm not so sure I am any more.

 

I called her up and told her that we need to talk about expectations moving forward. I told her that it was important that we both articulate what it is we want to get out from this.

 

So, I asked her to tell me what exactly it was she'd been looking for on POF. She flippantly replied, "you!" to which I said, "come on, be serious for a minute. It's important that we establish an understanding about expectations moving forward." She told me that she doesn't have any expectations moving forward. She said, "I'm perfectly happy with the arrangement as it currently is."

 

I told L that I was concerned that she had been hoping that this would evolve into something more committed and that I am not ready for commitment right now. She replied, "OMG, why would you think I want anything more than what we have going?" I responded by explaining to her that she poured her heart out to me and that all of the messages, as well as saying how much she would have had fun hanging out with my kids indicated to me that there were things you wanted to elicit from me which were incompatible with our current status of essentially a FWB arrangements."

 

L kinda changed her tune, and spoke with me in an authoritative manner I'd not seen from her. She said, "Sweety, let me make something crystal clear to you. I am not in the right headspace for a relationship with anyone. I love my life how it is right now, for the most part. I've spent years living alone and between my work, my friends and family, and doing all the things I enjoy doing just in my own company, I am more than satisfied with things for 99 percent of the time."

 

She went on; "Please, understand that I do NOT need a man to complete my life. I can't have kids and maybe that is a good thing, as I sure can't see myself living with anyone for the majority of the time. My toxic exes allowed me to realize just how much I value my own company. But I don't hate men. I love good men. But, here's the thing, I just don't want to be joined at the hip in any kind of relationship. What I want is a decent guy who I can see a night or two a week, who I am attracted to physically and mentally stimulated by. In other words, a man worthy of me f***ing... a man who I actually want to f***. I'm a very sexual person, but I'm very fussy as well."

 

So, I asked her to explain why, if she only wanted what amounted to being an FWB relationship, that her preference for what she was after was set to "wants a relationship?"

 

She told me that initially she had set her status to that, but quickly realized that "most of the guys on POF are disgusting slime bags... creeps who send pictures of their junk and just generally want some very out there stuff." So, she said that in order to "entice as few freaks as possible", she said "wants a relationship" to try and at least attract the most decent guys as possible.

 

I said to her, "so in a sense, you've actually being duping guys who legitimately wanted a relationship?"

 

She told me that there had only been one other guy who "ticked all by boxes" who she'd spoken to on POF. She said that he was the only other guy out of literally hundreds who'd messaged her, whom she thought of a decent, respectable man. She wanted to meet him very quickly, but he was hesitant, as he wanted to take it a bit slower. She said he got cranky when she wouldn't play it how he wanted to; meet for a coffee on a first date. She told him to find someone else and that was that.

 

I asked her, "So, just to reiterate, so I fully understand what it is that you want, one of those things is definitely not a relationship?"

 

She then said, "let me tell you this in no uncertain terms; if it were a relationship I'd been after, I would have gone about things very differently." I asked her, "how so?" and she responded with, "well, firstly, I would have set my status to "actively seeking a relationship" or even "wanting to find someone to marry" if I really wanted to ram that point home. But I didn't. What I wanted is what I've explained to you before. Unfortunately, it's just the way it is, but in order to get what I want, I have to go about it using unorthodox methods."

 

The chat went on further, with me telling L that I thought perhaps she was using sex in the hope that it would make me fall for her, and that I didn't want to use her for sex so I would not do that if that's what she was doing. L replied with, "wow, you're jumping at shadows! The reason why I invited you over fully with the intention to get drunk and have sex with you was because it's simply what I wanted then and there, but in doing so my intention was to also set the tone for this relationship."

 

I told her, "Well, that's good then. Because that's exactly what I want." She said, "I know it was. I know it's what you wanted as well, because it's why you agreed to come over and have sex with me." She went on to say, "I know you're a good man, a kind man, as you wouldn't be bringing this up if you weren't. You'd just happily try and take advantage of me. I know that you're a good man, who's hurt and still has a need for physical intimacy, but isn't in the right place mentally for a relationship. I could tell very early on that we're both on the same page and want the exact same thing from one another."

 

I ended the conversation just after firing a bunch of questions at her, to put it all on record. I told her that we continue and things start changing, if her feelings start to change, that she needed to be honest about it. She told me, "likewise".

 

I told L that I intended to stay on POF and will probably join Tinder and Bumble soon as well, and asked her if she had a problem with that. She said, "absolutely not." She told me that she only intends to delete her POF account as she's overwhelmed by all the creeps in there and that she only wanted FWB with just one person. She then said, "if you have the time and energy to do this with multiple people, more power to you! As far as I'm concerned, what we have is plenty and in fact, if you wanted to start coming over every night, I'd tell you where to go!"

 

I told her that under no circumstances do I intend on introducing her to my kids, my family or any friends. She said, "likewise, but I have shown a couple of my friends 'this cute guy I met online' since I'm close to them and they know the deal, that we're just in a purely physical relationship.

 

I told her that given she lives 5 mins from my ex and that the likelihood of bumping into each other is very high, then under no circumstances dowe embrace in public like we're anything other than known to each other. She replied saying, "Look, I don't care for being out in public with you. I don't want you to take me out on dates. I most certainly don't want gifts. I don't need your money, dates, flowers.... anything. All I want is you in my bed a couple of nights a week to fulfill my sexual needs."

 

Finally, I told her that, "if I do happen to want a relationship down the track, I don't think I could make the distinction between what we have, and you being relationship material I'd bring home to mom. So, just to confirm, if I want a relationship down the track, you do understand that I'll be calling it quits abruptly." She agreed, saying, "of course, I get that and I'd wish you well and hope you found happiness."

 

Hmmmm....

 

When I hung up the phone I thought to myself, "is there something I've missed here?" Usually when things are too good to be true, they usually are. But this? She sounded so convincing, so assured of herself and what she wanted.

 

Am I being played in some way, or are there others who've been in mutually satisfying FWB relationships?

 

Should I just go along and enjoy the ride, or are there massive red flags that I'm totally missing? I've never been so unsure about how to proceed like I am right now.

 

Once again, thanks for taking the time to read this very long post. It's time for me to have a lie down. LOL.

Edited May 22, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[nolanola]

What does your gut tell you? I think you have some serious doubts, otherwise you wouldn't be hesitating. As they say "Doubt means don't".

 

My opinion? I think she's not being totally honest. And if she is, what woman with any shred of self esteem is going to be fine sleeping with a man that won't even acknowledge her by putting his arm around her in public?!?! I'm not judging you for that - you're being very upfront, but if this was my friend I would have serious concerns about her.

[FMW]

I think she sounds like a mess. Proceed at your own peril.

[elaine567]

It is a bit like

"You didn't really think I liked you in that way, did you?

"No of course not, it never crossed my mind, you are not my type anyway, we are all good...", spends night sobbing into pillow...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think I'd believe her.....except for the part about her being OK with you continuing to look for other hookups (why are you doing that again??). This will probably ultimately lead to her breaking off things with you. I don't know why anyone would be OK with that.

[snowcones]

I think she's lying to you and to herself, but I know you won't walk away from her now at this point because she's too hot and willing and you haven't had enough of her yet, and you probably don't like your current other options better, so it doesn't matter.

 

 

 

Generally speaking, people put in their profile EXACTLY what they want. So when they start backtracking on that (and trust me, they do often) I know that what they really want is what they wrote in their profile. When I was doing OLD I often got guys who had some criteria in their profile that was the opposite of me (like wants to have kids when I don't want anymore). When I'd point the obvious out to them, they'd backtrack on what they wrote. Saying it's okay that I'm not "X". I concluded that what people write in their profile is what their ideal is and if I don't meet that, then I am not their ideal, but they're happy to exercise me as an option. They are happy to fit me in somewhere, but not the ideal place. Well I want to fit someone's ideal and vice versa. So I HARD PASS and tell them why, and then they get mad. I should note that I have checked up some of these guys after I told them and they don't go back and change their profile criteria after I told them. They keep it the same as always, because that's what they really want.

 

 

So your girl probably really does want a relationship but she just doesn't have that option right now. At least not a good option, so she's fine with what she has with you, but I caution you because it means she will eventually (maybe even soon) start pushing towards having a relationship because that's what she really wants. It's only natural to push towards what you really want.

 

 

I also hope you don't slip into the habit/routine of not treating women well.

Edited May 22, 2019 by snowcones

[mark clemson]

Hmm. Rarely happier to be wrong. IF I'm wrong. I may well be.

 

The red flag (if it is one) is how swiftly she changed into "exactly what you want". It's as if she heard what you said and instantly adapted. So what she actually wanted all along happens to be exactly what you want. And maybe she herself actually does believe it (for now). It does all sound a little too good to be true.

 

As per others above, guess you should believe her for now AND proceed with a LOT of caution.

 

She may indeed just want someone worthy to screw. Then again, she be a master manipulator type. If she had abusive people in her past, she may have learned from pros.

Edited May 22, 2019 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

I also hope you don't slip into the habit/routine of not treating women well.

Good point.

[elaine567]

She may indeed just want someone worthy to screw. Then again, she be a master manipulator type. If she had abusive people in her past, she may have learned from pros.

 

Or she has become so tolerant and compliant due to being abused that she will agree to anything...

[Twizzlestick]

I dunno OP. I kind of think this girl is a bit of a mess and also in over her head. I think she’s mirroring you to keep you from running.

 

You can stick your head in the sand but I think you’ve already got that instinct something isn’t right with this. I think you’ve got to put on the adult trousers and not be part of something that could cause hurt.

 

I reckon you should knock this on the head with her. She’ll end up getting hurt and for you, you’ll end up with hassle. You’re only looking for FWB and there’s plenty of that about elsewhere if that’s your thing.

 

I think it’s getting to that slippery slope where, in your boots you know somewhere deep down she wants more and you’re putting your fingers in your ears singing la la. And that’s the slope to using her. You don’t want to be doing that.

 

Just call time on it.

Edited May 22, 2019 by Twizzlestick