Playing the field to avoid processing a relationship breakdown

[Happy Lemming]

... classic representation of the stereotype of men only thinking with their dicks?

 

Raising hand -- I've done a lot of stupid things "thinking with my d*ck". I slowed down a bit after 45 and did think twice about some situations. But in my youth... yes "it" did the vast majority of the thinking for me.

 

I think its more truth, than stereotype.

[Trail Blazer]

I've just gotten home from my date with J. It went seemingly well enough. A few laughs, including talking affectionately about the two mutual friends we shared on FB.

 

I'm not sure if there's going to be a second date. As much as I could have lied through my teeth and told her all I think she wants to hear, I was quite frank with where things are at for me. Obviously I didn't say I'm banging L on the side, but if I were to get into a relationship with someone then I'd cut her loose in an instant.

 

J wanta a relationship. I don't want one now. I didn't rule out a relationship if I met "the right person", or so I told her. I guess that if the right person did come along, it would be less than a choice and more as a desire. J was good fun, but I don't think she's someone I'd drop everything to be with.

 

Time will tell what will happen from here...

[Trail Blazer]

How do people feel when they see their ex for the first time on an OLD site? I guess that totally depends on how they still feel about them?

 

I joined okcupid last night and about the 20th profile I swiped across was my ex girlfriend. She was looking real cute, a recent photo she shared with me a month before we broke up of her at her cousin's masquerade party. Wearing the gold earrings I bought her for Christmas. I sat there for a minute, not knowing which way to swipe, so I deactivated my account right there.

 

Sure, it would be totally hypocritical of me to judge her when I had sex with another woman less than a week after we broke up, wearing the CK fragrance she bought be for Valentine's Day, whom I also met on an OLD site. Which is why I'm not judging her. But it struck me with the reality that she's there to find love, and she could do that because she was ready to move on before we even broke up. She checked out months before.

 

Yeah, I'm still hurt about how it all ended, I still miss her and I'm immersing myself with other women just to block out the pain. I wish I didn't fall so hard for someone who couldn't love me back in the same way. I will never know if it was because of my baggage that she didn't allow herself to, or she just never felt it. I guess it doesn't matter now.

 

I am meeting my ex on Saturday. We have a play date with my daughter and her son. I'm looking forward to seeing her. I am resigned to the fact that we're over, but I still love her, and will always want her in my life as a friend. I do genuinely hope she finds what she's looking for. Perhaps I'm just not ready to accept the reality that she's well and truly on her path to finding it, whereas I fear falling for anyone and feeling this emotional pain again.

[Happy Lemming]

I will never know if it was because of my baggage that she didn't allow herself to, or she just never felt it.

 

I am meeting my ex on Saturday. We have a play date with my daughter and her son.

 

What do you care what the reason was?? Your ex didn't want you and treated you poorly. That relationship is OVER!!

 

Why in the world would you agree to a "play date"?? Your daughter and her son have other friends they can play with. You just want to stay in this woman's life, so you can be her "Justin Case" -- just in case she can't find anyone else. So what happens when she brings her new boyfriend to one of those "play dates" for your kids?? How are you going to feel then?? Because if she starts dating someone, he isn't going to like her going to visit the ex-boyfriend or she isn't going to agree to anymore "play dates" between the kids.

 

What would Nurse "L." think of you having this play date?? Does she know about it??

 

Time to server ties, TB. I know you want your ex, but she doesn't want you, throw in the towel. Either concentrate on dating other people or keep banging Nurse "L." or both, but start "no contact" with your ex. You'll heal faster!!

[Trail Blazer]

I don't care what the reason is, it doesn't matter as it amounted to the same thing. I guess I was just stuck for months trying to fix something which I didn't know what exactly was the cause, just the result, that it was broken. I was thinking out aloud.

 

I wouldn't get back with her and she I know for certain wouldn't get back with me. She wasn't a good lover, she neglected me. But I know she cares about me a lot as she has been interested and supportive of my new job, asking how my kids are going, etc. What is wrong with remaining friends? I told her that I wouldn't get in the way of her and a new partner - she said she's allowed to have male friends, but I'm the first ex she wants to remain friends with because we broke up amicably.

 

What would L say about it? I already told her that I'm still friends with her. What would it matter what she said any way? I'm not dating her, I'm just screwing her, which is all she claims she wants. She's backed off on the messages the last few days, but she still is keen for me to come around a few times a week.

Edited May 30, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[elaine567]

Bad idea.

 

You are still hung up on her, you cannot be friends with her.

She, as you said, checked out months and months ago, so she can be friends with you, every day of the week...

[mark clemson]

TB, I agree with others here that spending time with her, etc. is almost certainly just going to keep you stuck emotionally and make it more difficult to move on.

 

It's understandable - you still have feelings for her. But suggest that as soon as you can bear it cut the cord and go NC. You'll need to move on, and the less you have of her in your life the more space there is for someone you can actually be with.

[LenaRea]

Hi TB! I feel your pain...it’s tough to work through the emotional end of being the dumpee, regardless of how much your rational side understands the breakup. It’s hard to work through an ex who didn’t love us enough. That’s why it’s so much easier to fill the emptiness with empty sex. I agree with the others, maybe not as harshly, but you should at the very least take a six month hiatus from your ex to get yourself onto even emotional ground. Meeting up as friends is too difficult. Kids around as a buffer only works for so long.

 

Besides, the reality is despite how much you care for each other on a basic level, you will both move on at some point. You’ll both eventually have someone else, Which will make remaining close friends an even bigger unlikelihood. The bandaid will need to be ripped off sooner or later. You’re also not actually doing your kids a favor by continuing to meet for “play dates.” It seems that way, I know, but that will invariably become a “no” when a new partner on either side comes along and you’re not going to want that person to take the blame for ending the “play dates.”

 

It all gets murky and messy the less clean the break....IME it’s truly better for all to just make a clean getaway.

[Trail Blazer]

Hmmm... well, I wasn't the dumpee per se. I instigated the break up, but as I've said previously, she broke up with me in actions, I formalized it with words.

 

We're still catching up again on Saturday. I understand what you guys are saying about it being better to have a clean break, but does that always have to happen? A buddy of mine has stayed friends with one of his exes for 15 years, both have been through multiple relationships since, but they remain friends throughout. His current gf of 4 years has no problem and they've all caught up for lunch together before.

 

Also, what's the protocol for removing pictures of your ex from Insta? With my ex wife and Facebook, I deleted selfies from my profile pictures but I still have a few on my timeline that I've been tagged in years back. I only created an Insta account 15 months ago, so she's not even on it. I deleted pics with my ex wife as it ended okay initially, but then got nasty.

 

However, I do have a couple of pics of my ex girlfriend, "V" and I, from our vacation to Idaho in Jan. J sent me a request to follow me on Insta. I'm not necessarily inclined to delete them, they aren't lovey dovey, but does it demonstrate an unwillingness to let go, or just a normal part of dating and it's just a part of your history now?

[some_username1]

 

I am meeting my ex on Saturday. We have a play date with my daughter and her son. I'm looking forward to seeing her. I am resigned to the fact that we're over, but I still love her, and will always want her in my life as a friend. I do genuinely hope she finds what she's looking for. Perhaps I'm just not ready to accept the reality that she's well and truly on her path to finding it, whereas I fear falling for anyone and feeling this emotional pain again.

 

You would best be served going back and reading through some of your previous threads. In the cold light of day you should be able to see things more objectively and should be left with the same sentiment as expressed by that quote (from Beowulf I believe): "She is not my curse.....not any more". Then think about the potential misery she will put someone through the same as she did you, with her childish inability to express her feelings and let things fester. Too weak and spineless to end a relationship where she was dragging you down and expressing relief when you finally did it for her.

 

Harsh words, but I think you need to hear them. And of course there are two sides to every story and she did suffer a bereavement etc. But honestly, from the way you described her she was dead weight. You should be happy that you have a chance to find someone better, you can't even thank her for giving you that chance because you had to pull the trigger even though it was what *she* wanted.

 

You've had a lucky escape there.

Edited June 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Trail Blazer]

You've had a lucky escape there.

 

As with every post I have ever made on here, I try to portray every scenario as accurately as possible. There's no point getting advice if it comes from a position of mislead foundations. Some posts haven't made for pleasant reading. But in the end, I've always tried to follow through with the best course of action.

 

I am disappointed in how V handled things over the final 6 months. I am sure that if she was ever taken to task, she would admit that it was her way of letting me down gently. She claimed that she struggled to make sensd of how she felt, and would only take a course of action when she had made sense of how she felt about something. That attitude is a cop out though. It leaves the other person in the lurch completely, yet she seemingly didn't have the level of empathy required to understand just how damaging that was.

 

I am genuinely surprised she's back on, looking for another relationship already. She's not one to sleep around and she has her son 100 percent of the time. Perhaps she's just getting in early as it might take a while to find someone she trusts. In any case, I think it shows that she was ready to move on well and truly before I finalized things.

 

Good luck to her. I wish her all the best. I still care for her a lot. She still did a lot of really kind acts for me, she helped and suppprted me through some tough times with my ex wife. I can't just be totally negative with her as she still is a good person. I think she is a much better friend than significant other. I understand that doesn't necessarily mean we should remain friends, though.

 

She can try and find the elusive Mr. Right, while I go screwing girls online. The reality is that both of us are probably slightly dysfunctional. I just like to think that mine is temporary, whereas she has a history of bailing from relationahips and seemingly not learning anything from them the next time.

Edited May 31, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[FMW]

Whether you want her back or not (I'm fairly certain you would take her back if she came back to you asking for another chance), you know you are still hung up on her, and everything you write about her shows that clearly.

 

Nothing unusual about that after a breakup. But that means you cannot be friends right now. Maybe some day, but I wouldn't count on that. My guess is your buddy who has stayed friends with his ex does not have the same temperament as you when it comes to love. From what I get from your postings, you are not a guy who can just be friends with her.

 

I'm sure you're going to give it a try anyway, but just be honest with yourself.

[Trail Blazer]

My head knows that taking her back would be real dumb. It's not like it will ever be a choice I'm faced with as she's clearly moved on. Hypothetically though, would I take her back? Well, the heart wants what the heart wants. I wish I could turn off how I feel. Emotions make us human, but they also render us fallible.

 

What I can say is honestly, so far my decision to play the field has been a great one. It's provided the distraction I've needed and fulfilled my sexual urges. To be desired by other women on dating sites quenches that transient need for instant gratification. It's the validation that's nice. It's the tricking of the brain to correlate these happy moments with the fact that they have only.come about because I wasn't desired elsewhere, yet here I am, better off.

 

I joined Bumble last night. I let it go, stayed the night at L's place and started swiping first thing this morning when I got home after my account had been authenticated.

 

You know what the saddest thing is? I gave V everything I had. I left nothing on the table trying to help her, be her knight in shining armor, fix stuff around her house, service her car, be a daddy to her 6 year old son. Where did that leave me? Broken hearted (kinda) and feeling a little bit used. However, that's not the sad part...

 

The sad part is, I'm on Bumble and I've matched with a bunch of girls who I don't give two damns about. The nature of Bumble being they take the first step to communicate, and yeah, I just give one word answers, or one liners which require them to ask a different question in order to keep the convo going.

 

I feel like a douche for behaving like I do right now. But it's quite alarming how my utter indifference is not really off putting and in fact I've connected with more women than ever before who are pursuing me when I'm putting in no effort to get to know them. Being a nice guy gets you shafted. I have no more nice guy in me, maybe he's buried deep down, but he's a shell at the moment. I'm aloof and I'm not even trying to be, it's just how I feel.

 

WTF girls? Why when I'm being nice is it a turn off? Nice doesn't mean desperate. Yet being an indifferent, aloof and self-absorbed douche... you'll chase? It's not worth the chase, don't chase. You could be chasing a semi-broken @$$hole who'll use you for his own gain and spit you out. It's not what I want to be, but it's who I feel I'm becoming. But as long as I have sexual needs and the minimal chase nets me instant gratification by having my ego stroked by would-be women perhaps finding my indifference "mysterious", then really, I can't see much changing.

 

*roll eyes*

[Happy Lemming]

...stayed the night at L's place

 

"and if you can't be with the one you love honey

love the one you're with" - Stephen Stills

[FMW]

Trail Blazer it's just going to take time to work your way through this.

 

Consider our advice and follow or discard as you see fit and just try to be smart with your choices.

 

Things will be fine in time, when you're in the right head and heart space you'll start meeting women you actually connect with.

 

Until then, do what you feel led to do and roll with the flow.

[mark clemson]

The reality is that both of us are probably slightly dysfunctional.

 

Think the reality is that most if not all human beings are AT LEAST slightly dysfunctional in one way or another. "Slightly" means you're one of the lucky ones...

 

 

WTF girls? Why when I'm being nice is it a turn off?

 

Not female, but pretty sure that isn't true for all, or even most, women. You were in a six year relationship (and others before that) - you must have been nice SOME of that time and they didn't instantly run out on you...

 

Anyway, you sound down on yourself and women as well due to the breakup. Of course you'll get over it in time...

[elaine567]

You are attracting a certain type of woman here, I guess desperate, low self esteem, vulnerable, damaged... Women who are used to being treated badly by men and are thus attracted to bad behaviour from you.

 

Last time you went straight from your marriage to the first hot woman you could find, a woman who gave you loads of sex.

Once the sexfest ended there was not actually a lot there, she became more and more distant, you mourned the loss of the sex... finally it ended.

This time I see you are going hell for leather for the sex, but that good guy you once were, seems to be disappearing.

Do not let your hurt and bitterness against the female sex, take you over.

[nolanola]

You know, TB, I've had many of the same thoughts from the other side. I adored my ex and thought he was wonderful - I tried to be kind to him, give him encouragement, physical affection, etc. And in the end it wasn't enough because he decided to be with someone else (I'm speculating on his reasons because I don't know them for sure). I have had many of the same thoughts that you have - that a kind woman gets stepped on and tossed aside. Sometimes I have the same thoughts: that I should be a demanding b***h because they seem to do better. I don't want to be that person though and I don't think you really do either. I know it feels like jerks do better and wind up with so many women, but I don't think these relationships wind up on a deep level that we crave. As I am not (at heart) a superficial person and I do want a deep connection with another person, I have to think that these superficial relationships may feel good at the moment (and will soothe my wounded ego), they will leave me feeling lonelier in the end.

 

I don't have a perfect answer for you (believe me if I did - I would be healed by now!!) but take solace that so many of us feel similarly to you. It's so hard to break a connection to someone we still love. I do think exes can be friends, but I don't think it can happen immediately after, especially if the feelings are asymmetric. I try to think of my ex as a good person at heart that made choices that were hurtful to me. I don't think he set out to hurt me and I doubt your ex did either. I think she's probably a decent person who made bad choices and has poor coping skills.

[Trail Blazer]

You are attracting a certain type of woman here, I guess desperate, low self esteem, vulnerable, damaged... Women who are used to being treated badly by men and are thus attracted to bad behaviour from you.

 

Last time you went straight from your marriage to the first hot woman you could find, a woman who gave you loads of sex.

Once the sexfest ended there was not actually a lot there, she became more and more distant, you mourned the loss of the sex... finally it ended.

This time I see you are going hell for leather for the sex, but that good guy you once were, seems to be disappearing.

Do not let your hurt and bitterness against the female sex, take you over.

 

There's some truth in what you've written here, but it's very simplistic and not really accurate in the context of Bumble. I've merely matched with women and they're the ones who've had to initiate the contact. At what point do they stop replying to me? Perhaps some have as I haven't heard back. Anyway, I stopped being a douche and actually spoke with a few and had a good conversation.

 

My experience like 14 months ago has been that Bumble has the highest proportion of quality women on it. Whether it's a creative algorithm that keeps the most swiped at the top end of the profile card stack, either way there are some incredibly good looking, successful women on there.

 

I've been honest and told them all that I'm flying to Texas for a month for work and when I come back I'll be spending time with my kids. A few have said, "no thanks" as they want a conventional, committed relationship. A few others have said that kind of arrangement suits them well.

 

One girl is a chef at a top restaurant in town. She works 60-70 hours a week, odd hours, has no interest in having kids, just wants a nice guy to hang out with. She seems really keen, messages me a lot. Another one is highly educated, post-grad doctorates in health science, lectures at one of Portland's universities part-time, while travels a lot as a physio with a college football team. She even went to the Olypics in London as a physio.

 

What a catch she'd be as she's very fit, nice looking and seems like a wonderful woman. I can see why she's 38, has no kids and has had very little luck with men. She's rightfully fussy.

 

Anyway, I've been not wanting to feel like the kind of guy I detested in the past, but still wanting to balance up not being some white knight simp who gets walked all over. I have an 8 year old daughter who I'd hate to see get used by guys, so I have to remain being the guy my mom brought me up to be. I like talking to different people and connecting with them, so I am going to try to be as honest and respectful as possible from here.

[Trail Blazer]

So, today was the day when I caught up with my ex, V, for the first time since we broke up. My daughter had been very excited to see her and her son.

 

We arrived first to the local coffee shop where we'd planned to meet up, have a bite to eat and head off to a local park for the afternoon. I was actually a little nervous, as I wasn't sure how I would feel. I wasn't sure if I'd be swamped with emotions, or what. It was a unique position for me to be in.

 

So, anyway, V and her son arrived. V's son ran straight over to me, gave me a big hug and said, "Hi TB, I've missed you so much, I haven't seen you for too long." It was kinda awkward, but something which is very normal for 6 year old kids to have happened, which allowed me to change the subject quickly and avoid potential awkwardness, was when I noticed that in the time since I last saw him, he'd lost his two front teeth.

 

I said to him, "Hey! Where are your two little toothy-pegs!?" Then he said the funniest response ever, which was, "In my tummy and out my butt!" I'm like, "whaaa" and V explained that he's been eating a banana at school and the tooth, which was obviously really wobbly, embedded itself in the banana and when he swallowed it, down went the tooth as well. She went on to say that he got really sad at school as he thought the tooth fairy wasn't going to come since he didn't have a tooth to plsce under his pillow!

 

We had some lunch, with my daughter talking V's ear off and V's son talking my ear off. After that we headed to the park for the kids to play. We were there for 3 hours, where V and I talked almost the whole time.

 

When we left and were at our cars about to go our seperate ways, we embraced, I kissed her on the cheek and told her it was lovely to see her again. She said "likewise" and said she'd love to catch up again for a coffee and a chat when I'm back home in early July. I told her, "that'd be really nice."

 

When we drove off, I felt really good. Meeting up with her, for the first time in almost a month, as friends and no more, was an opportunity to see things in a different light. Sure, the familiarity of her perfume, gorgeous hair and those other things were there still... but I knew they weren't for me anymore. That femininity wasn't mine to embrace. I just embraced the beautiful person she is, with a reciprocal level of warmth as a good friend would exude.

 

I love her still. I love her dearly as a friend. I can tell how much better she felt without the weight of being in a relationship hanging over her. It is obvious that she adores me as a friend and wants me in her life. Without going in to too much detail about 3 hours of conversation, the theme coming from her time and again was that, "it wasn't the right time for us."

 

It was intense and passionate for the first 8 months together. It died down due to her view that I had too much baggage and we were at different stages for her to proceed into a full-blown relationship where we'd cohabit, I'd take on her son and we'd eventually buy a house and have children together.

 

It's her inability to communicate that effectively which caused me anguish for a while and did hurt me. But I'm mature enough I think to see beyond what is obvioisly a weakness for her, through either a lack of maturity, factors from her past and having a very non-confrontational personality.

 

What I'm certain of is that, had I not had baggage, we'd probably still be together, perhaps having already moved in together, planning to get marrier, have kids and love happily ever after. Would that have been a good thing? I'm not sure.

 

So many relationships break up years later because people jump into things so quickly before realizing years later that the person they're with doesn't have a maturity or coping skills to handle the life they've played a hand in creating. This may have been one of those cases. Us breaking up may well be a blessing in disguise. I feel like I am well on my way to being over V.

 

I'm staying at L's tomorrow night after I drop the kids back to their mom's house. L has backed off the last few days in sending me messages. She's been working crazy hours and been busy doing study to renew her nursing registration, so she's been occupied. It's been a relief, as her behaving more normally has made me feel more comfortable in seeing her again.

 

I feel like, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm almost completely at peace from an emotional perspective.

[BettyDraper]

I don't understand people who have sex very quickly and then become a stage 5 clinger while expecting a relationship. The nurse is experienced enough to know that sex does not equal a relationship. Trying to reel in a man with sex is so desperate and sad. Having sex with a stranger is not inherently wrong but there shouldn't be any grand expectations after going to bed so fast. Good for you for walking away, TB.

 

You may want to take some time to think about why you keep choosing damaged women. This is not meant to be an insult...just an observation that you may want to consider.

 

Keep playing the field and don't bother with another serious relationship for a while. Take some time to enjoy the bachelor life.

[Trail Blazer]

Hi Betty. I most certainly won't be getting into another relationship again. I can't really, anyway. I'm working the oil rigs now. I'm in Texas for a month at a time, fly back for a few weeks and then back out again.

 

The nurse assured me before I left she just wants to hook up again when I'm back. That suits me. I'll be spending time with the kids when I'm back. I'll have no time, let alone the desire for a relationship.

[Happy Lemming]

I'm working the oil rigs now. I'm in Texas for a month at a time, fly back for a few weeks and then back out again.

 

How is the new job going?? Do you like it??

[Trail Blazer]

How is the new job going?? Do you like it??

 

It's good man. Hot as hell out here and the days are long. But it's a new challenge I needed and the paycheck will be worth it, that's for sure.

[BettyDraper]

It's good man. Hot as hell out here and the days are long. But it's a new challenge I needed and the paycheck will be worth it, that's for sure.

 

That's great to hear. You're on your way!

I would advise you to stay away from the nurse because she seems unbalanced. However, if you truly believe that she only wants sex then have it.