Playing the field to avoid processing a relationship breakdown

[Trail Blazer]

That's great to hear. You're on your way!

I would advise you to stay away from the nurse because she seems unbalanced. However, if you truly believe that she only wants sex then have it.

 

Hi Betty. I've just arrived home from work. I had no cell phone reception while I was away. Nurse L did not send me one text. I sent her her a text as I landed in Portland. She replied and wants me to come around to her place when I am next free.

 

I truly believe she only wants sex. I am still going to date other women, though. I do see myself moving on at some point. I do think she's a bit odd, perhaps a bit unbalanced. However, I feel that whatever issues she has going on, they're mutually exclusive to her just wanting sex.

[Trail Blazer]

I've managed to rehome my little cat! I had her at a local boarding cattery while I was away and I asked the owner if she knew anyone who wanted a cat. While I was away she posted up a notice on her FB page and one of her ex-clients, whose cat passed away within the last year snapped her up. I met the lady before hadning my cat over and I feel at ease knowing that she'll be going to a good home. My kids were upset, but they understood why it was no longer practical for me to keep her.

 

I've had nurse L messaging me frequently, so I stayed over at her place last night. Just before we went to bed she asked me, "so, did you miss me while you were away?" I paused for a moment, looked at her in the eyes and said, "well, I missed time we spent together..." She replied, "just the time we spent together? Hmmm, okay." I said to her, "What? You do know the deal, right?" She looked at me blankly, so I asked her, "did you miss me?" to which she replied, "I did... but that's because we've had such good times together."

 

Every time I start to feel like she's got herself together with this arrangement, she goes and says things whcih make me question it. She's tried hard to convince me this is what she wants, and she's telling me constantly she doesn't want a relationship and is happy with her life, yet she weirds me out with strange questions. I don't know whether she's $h!t testing me or what, but she's definitely a bit odd.

 

In any case, I've joined Tinder now, finally, and I've got to say that it's changed since the last time I used it. Limited to 100 swipes per 12 hours, it certainly makes one more selective as to whom they swipe right to. Having said that, I've already got one date lined up for next Tuesday. Tinder seems to be working so far as I'm matching with heaps of girls.

Edited July 10, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[elaine567]

It was plain from the very first moment that nurse L was looking for "more" from you.

One positive word from you and she would move in with you in an instant.

The day you end this you will have one very very upset woman on your hands.

[Trail Blazer]

It was plain from the very first moment that nurse L was looking for "more" from you.

One positive word from you and she would move in with you in an instant.

The day you end this you will have one very very upset woman on your hands.

I should add that the context she originally said it in seemed very tongue-in-cheek. When she pointed out that she missed me because of the good times we had, it seemed like she was trying to make the point to me that both concepts aren't mutually exclusive. It came across as more like banter, if anything, hence why I said I thought it might have been a $h!t test.

[Trail Blazer]

So, V sent me a message at an ungodly hour of the morning telling me she'd been at the vet with her 14 year old lab. Sadly he had to be put down. V is distraught as she's had him from a pup since she was 19. Her son is also devastated, as can be expected. I loved the dog, too. I'm aactually a bit sad as well. He was an awesome dog!

 

I really felt for V, so I offered to take her and her son out to dinner as I knew she'd had no sleep the night before and the last thing she probably felt like doing was cooking dinner and being at home without her dog.

 

V took up my offer immediately and was so grateful as she said she's exhausted, sad and needs a welcome distraction. We haven't caught up since I've been back from Texas. We were planning to catch up this weekend for another play date, but this has brought things forward a little.

 

I was a tad concerned that she might have thought I'm trying to swoop in and take advantage of the situation to get back in with her. But then, perhaps I'm not giving her enough credit for knowing who I am as a person. I still love her and I'm not completely over her. But I adore her as a friend and I can't see a time when I wouldn't want her in my life as a platonic friend.

 

So now I'm just waiting for her to arrive. Bring on the Chinese food!

[Morello]

Are you really gonna be her friend while you're still romantically interested in her? That's a ticket for disaster. You have basically friendzoned yourself. What you're doing reeks lack of self-respect and while I hate this expression, you're very much acting like a beta male. If you'd ever have a chance with her again in the future you're killing it with this behaviour.

 

And please, don't call her a platonic friend. You're fooling yourself. Your feelings for her are all but platonic.

[Trail Blazer]

I actually wouldn't go back there even if she wanted to, which I very much doubt she would. We're not compatible for a relationship. It's for that very reason I'm not trying to win her back, but I don't want her out of my life just the same.

[FMW]

Being just friends is just really unlikely to work out well. It's very difficult to separate out the "friend" portion of your relationship with someone you loved romantically.

 

It doesn't seem from what you've written here that you are in the emotional space about her to even try to be just friends. Especially getting together during an emotional time (death of her dog) is likely to stir up feelings.

 

Rationally knowing it's not going to work doesn't stop you from getting into messy situations.

 

Maybe the two of you are different than most of us, but I'm betting not. So just be aware.

[Trail Blazer]

When I created this thread a couple of months back I had no idea where I'd be two months on. Playing the field has been the best thing I could have done. I've been lucky enough to do okay with OLD. I've gone on a number of dates and have regular hook ups with the nurse.

 

I can say hand on heart that I do not have a desire to get my ex back. We didn't work for a reason and those reasons cannot possibly change. They were incompatibilities. I hurt for a few weeks, but the pain has faded. I tested it the first time we met since breaking up and it was fine.

 

I will admit that I don't always see things coming and sometimes get caught up with how I'm feeling in the moment. Yes, I thought I'd have a long future with this woman and I was caught off guard when she started changing her behavior. But I've made sense of it all and it wasn't malicious.

 

Time will tell, I guess. If things start getting tricky/awkward then I'll assess and adjust accordingly. However, I am more than comfortable still being friends while courting romantic interests on dating sites. I'm having a lot of fun and the ego boost is quite addictive. Without sounding too full of myself, it is her loss in the end as I've got plenty of quality options at my disposal.

[Happy Lemming]

I can say hand on heart that I do not have a desire to get my ex back.

 

Then why are you wasting time, money and resources on "V". I'm not buying the "friends" crap. You have friends.

 

And yes everyone's dog dies at some point in his/her life. If some "ex" texted me that a pet passed away, I'd send a generic "Sorry for your loss" and move on with my day. I wouldn't be buying them dinner, unless there was a chance to get laid.

 

If I were you, I'd be devoting my time and energy to the "Nurse" and other dating prospects. "V" is in the past and a sunk cost. I'd be banging that "nurse" all I could and telling her what she wanted to hear before being sent back out into the oil fields.

[Trail Blazer]

Then why are you wasting time, money and resources on "V". I'm not buying the "friends" crap. You have friends.

 

And yes everyone's dog dies at some point in his/her life. If some "ex" texted me that a pet passed away, I'd send a generic "Sorry for your loss" and move on with my day. I wouldn't be buying them dinner, unless there was a chance to get laid.

 

If I were you, I'd be devoting my time and energy to the "Nurse" and other dating prospects. "V" is in the past and a sunk cost. I'd be banging that "nurse" all I could and telling her what she wanted to hear before being sent back out into the oil fields.

She didn't just text me out of the blue. We chat regularly on Messenger, as friends would do.

 

I'm doing all of those things you've said above. I've got four dates lined up over the next week. I fit the nurse in between. The rest of my time back I've been spending it with my kids. I really don't devote much time and energy at all into V. Dinner was a once off due to extenuating circumstances.

 

You guys can have your views and I'll have mine. Some dudes can't be platonic friends with women. So long as I'm getting my needs met elsewhere, I don't see why one can't remain friends with an ex.

[FMW]

We're not trying to be hard on you, just giving advice as we assume you are looking for by posting. Our views come from our own real life experiences.

 

But maybe yours will be different. If you are successfully maintaining the just friends status 6 months or more down the road then you'll be an alternate experience story for all of us. Honestly, I hope it works out for you.

[Happy Lemming]

I don't see why one can't remain friends with an ex.

 

Good luck with that...

 

As others pointed out you were intimate with "V", you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.

 

Wishing you luck with whatever you decide to do and safe travels when you head back out to the oil fields.

[Trail Blazer]

I'll be sure to let you know how things are in another 6 months. Who knows, maybe she'll find a guy and drop me like a stone. Then again, she had joined okcupid six weeks ago and she's the kind of girl who would be flooded with messages the moment she creates an account, so who knows.

 

She was adamant herself she wanted to remain friends after we broke up and told me I'm the only ex she ever felt a desire to remain friends with. I wanted the same, but I did feel a hint of skepticism about whether it could work at the time.

 

Life has never been better for me currently. I am on good terms with my ex-wife after a very rough first year of separation. I have an amazing job seeing parts of the country I'd only ever seen on TV and the dates keep flooding in from OLD.

 

Although being wrong is something we all find ourselves in from time to time, right now I'm not seeing how it will be an issue from my end. Who knows, maybe she'll want me back at some point! I don't know how I'd deal with that as that's not something I've factored in! We'll cross that bridge when we get there, though.

 

Thanks guys.

[Trail Blazer]

We're not trying to be hard on you, just giving advice as we assume you are looking for by posting.

I understand. I don't mean to come across as defensive and I do value the advice given. I love hearing other's perspectives who've been there before. Time will tell.

 

I think I have a good grasp of this situation currently, but if it does go bust then I'll be only too happy to learn from my mistake and say, "hey guys, you know what, you were right."

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Limited to 100 swipes per 12 hours, it certainly makes one more selective as to whom they swipe right to.

 

:eek::eek::lmao::lmao:

[Trail Blazer]

:eek::eek::lmao::lmao:

 

What? There's literally thousands upon thousands of beautiful women on Tinder! Keeping it to 200 choices in a day is hard work!

[Trail Blazer]

I'm going on a second date with a girl I connected with on Bumble. The first date went surprisingly well. She's seems very keen. I've moved on emotionally from my ex, but the pain of having invested too much of myself into a failed cause still lingers.

 

I am not ready to be in an exclusive, committed relationship. The girl I'm going on a date has told me only in the last few days that she's looking for a relationship. I touched on where I was at on our first date. I have no intention to string her along. I'll tell her what I'm looking for and we'll see where it goes.

 

I still catch up with my ex. I will continue to do that. We talk and have a good friendship. My daughter and I caught up with her yesterday as she got a new dog, a Labrador pup (her parents are breeders). We had dinner at her place and the two kids spent the evening on the Xbox.

 

Over all, with my new job and with a few months of elapsed time, things are really looking up for me. I've given nurse L the flick. Correction, I think she's given me the flick. She got annoyed because I wouldn't tell her where I lived, so she didn't invite me to her place before I last left for work. I had no messages upon my return, so I think she's gotten bored and moved on.

[Happy Lemming]

Over all, with my new job and with a few months of elapsed time, things are really looking up for me.

 

Finally... some good news on Loveshack!! Glad to hear you are doing good!

[Trail Blazer]

I've just arrived home from date #2. The long and short of it all was that it went really well. My date is a 30-year-old mother of one. She's been single since December '18. Has majority custody of her nine-year-old daughter, and currently lives with her mom until the house settlement is finalized with her ex-fiancee.

 

Since my date, J (a different 'J' to another J I went on one date a couple of months back), lives with her mom, it wasn't appropriate for me to pick her up. So, I was happy to give her my address. She's a seemingly normal, balanced person who I have little concern will turn "bunny boiler" on me.

 

J arrived five minutes early, and I was scrambling to be ready in time. I was literally caught with my pants down as I'd just gotten out of the shower when she arrived. I'd had my kids for the weekend and dropped them back to their mom's house that morning, so I was pushing it for time all morning.

 

We had Sunday lunch booked at a swanky restaurant in West Hills. Lunch was amazing and she loves the same local drops that I do, so we shared a bottle of red over lunch. Embarrassingly I had forgotten my wallet in the rush of getting ready, so I quickly downloaded Google pay so I could use my cell phone to pay for lunch. I couldn't believe I did that - I never usually forget it. I'd told J what I did and we had a giggle together.

 

We went for a nice drive through the Tualatin Valley, checked out some views along the way and stopped for coffee and cake at a nice little cafe. J said, "keep your cell phone in your pocket, I've got this" as she paid for our dessert. She had a wry smile and poked out her tongue, with the emphasis being on my cell phone rather than wallet to pay.

 

We had a good talk about what each other wants. She wants a relationship, but she qualified it by saying that wanting anything less usually attracts the kind of jerks she's used to attracting, so saying a relationship helps ward them off.

 

I told J that I still catch up with my ex as friends, but that's all. I explained to her that our kids are friends and play together. She asked me if I'm over her, to which I said, "yes." J then asked me a weird question, which was, "was the sex good?" I scratched my head for a second and said, "well, that's not why we broke up, from bad sex" with a chuckle. J said, "Oh, haha, I'm just teasing you! But you should know, sex is hugely important to me and my ex became a lazy gamer who would only want it once every two weeks. That's not nearly enough for me."

 

J isn't backwards in coming forwards, that's for sure. I really don't know if I see her as LTR material yet. She's got a tendency to get a little bit loose from what I've seen of her Instagram stories. She's a gym and fitness freak, takes pole dancing classes and isn't afraid to flaunt her wares, including doing a drunk pole dance at a city club only a couple of weeks back, with a whole bunch of guys cheering on in the background.

 

We arrived back to my house, I invited J in. We sat on my couch and talked for a bit. The moment was there to seize, I could feel it. I only needed to make the move and we would have had sex. In times gone by I would have just pounced, but something wasn't quite right at my end and I just didn't feel like it. The moment past and she said, "I should head home. Thank you for lunch and the lovely day out."

 

About an hour later I reveived a message from J, she told me that all she wanted to do was mount me on the couch, "but I thought you wouldn't have liked that." I felt a bit silly, because I couldn't really explain why I didn't seize that opportunity, so I just said, "perhaps I might have LOVED it, in fact." She lol'd and said, "I felt the sexual tension and thought it would be good to leave it there." Then she said to me, "I really want to see you again, I'm free Wednesday night." So, I invited her around after work. I'll be prepared for her staying the night and what will ensue.

[mark clemson]

This is all good, and you've indicated you're interested in fun times, not a LTR. So, I don't want to discourage you from finding your fun with this woman. That said, possibly this:

 

We sat on my couch and talked for a bit. The moment was there to seize, I could feel it. I only needed to make the move and we would have had sex. In times gone by I would have just pounced, but something wasn't quite right at my end and I just didn't feel like it.

 

 

Might be due to your awareness of this:

 

I really don't know if I see her as LTR material yet. She's got a tendency to get a little bit loose from what I've seen of her Instagram stories. She's a gym and fitness freak, takes pole dancing classes and isn't afraid to flaunt her wares, including doing a drunk pole dance at a city club only a couple of weeks back, with a whole bunch of guys cheering on in the background.

 

 

You do seem like the kind of guy who gets attached eventually (friends with all the Ex's etc) and I think at some level you're being cautious emotionally here so you don't get hurt/surprised if you ever start to like her and then she suddenly starts doing this stuff on you.

 

Not at all saying not to have your fun with her. Just noting something that your hesitation might be rooted in/due to. My analysis here could be way off, dunno. But I think in general we don't get to choose how emotionally vulnerable we are. We just are the way we are whether or not it's convenient for what we're trying to do romantically.

[Trail Blazer]

I wouldn't say I'm friends with my ex-wife, but I have to keep it civil whilst remaining in contact as we share two children. Your point does otherwise stand. I remain very good friends with my ex-girlfriend. She has her flaws like we all do, but she's otherwise a beautiful person and a good friend.

 

I didn't embark on this journey playing the field to find love again. I did it to get mask the pain of the relationship failing. I loved her a lot, and I still do in some capacity, even though I know we cannot be together. It has been an interesting journey to say the least.

 

It's been over three months now since the break-up and I am no closer to wanting to be in a relationship as I were the moment after I left V's house for the first time as her ex-boyfriend. I'm wary of people now. I'm distrustful and believe that what people feel one minute, which may be completely genuine, can flip at any given moment, rendering their previous words redundant.

 

I gave my all to a woman who seemingly gave me all the signs back, that she was on board with everything we has talked about. It's as if one day she woke up and realized that we weren't aligned anymore, yet she had no ability to communicate that, so she let if fester while slowly inching the rug from under me. I was hurt, but instead of being angry, I chose understanding and forgiveness. She didn't set out to hurt me, she's just a slightly damaged soul herself.

 

J is a seemingly caring and genuinely nice girl in her own right. She does charity work, bakes cakes (as a side hussle) and donates the proceeds of certain cakes to children's charities. She has a bit of a wild, party side to her, which is cool, and says nothing of who she is as a person. She doesn't dress conservatively at all, which once again isn't something that bothers me, but I know if we went out together down the track as a couple, it might be irritating having other men gawk or hit on her.

 

I think I'm just still a bit all over the place right now. I'll continue to see J for now, and see what comes of it. I've got another few dates lined up, one on Thursday in the city for lunch. Another on Friday. Then, I head back to my home state of Idaho for a week to visit my mom. I can't wait to have her home cooked meals and allow the aroma of her cooking to take me back to my care-free childhood.

[Trail Blazer]

J was supposed to stay over last night. She'd told me she was coming down with something on Monday and then on Wednesday informed me that she had taken the last two days off work because she's been sick. She said she wasn't up for coming over.

 

After I'd told J that I hope she feels better soon, she sent me an odd response. She said, "If you're not keen on us, let me know. I'm not trying to be negative, just know a lot is going on." I replied telling her I liked her and wanted to spend more time with her to see if things develop into something more. My response isn't strictly untrue, but maybe I'm just giving off a vibe right now?

 

In any case, she didn't respond to my message. She just said, "I'll see you on the 30th when you pick up the cake." The context to the cake is that I will be away working when my daughter turns 9, so I decided to get J to make a birthday cake (her side hussle is making cakes) to have a little party at my place for her.

 

I'm flying out to Boise for the week to stay with my mom. I've got a couple of old high school buddies who want to catch up and get a little loose this weekend. I think I need a bit of time away from Portland, it'll do me a world of good.

[Morello]

From your posts, you give off the relationship vibe very early in dating. I mean, asking a person you've just started dating to bake a cake for your daughter? I assume she won't even be at that party.

 

It seems you're interested in moving this forward with this new girl but I would suggest not to act too much like a boyfriend as you're doing. Let things develop more organically. It's confusing for women when you give off the relationship vibe but doesn't take steps towards making it official. They feel devalued.

[Trail Blazer]

@Morello, I look at it differently. See, I didn't ask her to bake the cake for me as a favour. She's a talented cake decorator and has a legitimate side business doing so. I utilized her services and insisted upon paying full price, even though she just wanted to charge me for ingredients only.

 

In the past I was too quick to move things forward into a relationship, but this time it's the opposite. If anything, I think J seems uncertain about whether I want to move forward in a relationship, hence why she's also seemingly proceeding with caution.

 

To be honest, I'm not sure if she really knows what she wants herself. She's living with her mom while she's dealing with a property settlement with her ex, whom she only broke up with December 2018. She now wants "a relationship" which is more code for, I don't want to be used.

 

In any case, I've now landed in Boise and I'm going to spend a few days hanging with mom and my old buddies from high school. Well, that was until I opened up my swipey apps and now have a Tinder date on Sunday. And yeah, I told the girl I was from out of town... the allure of someone passing through seems great in this one. Hmmm....