Playing the field to avoid processing a relationship breakdown

[FMW]

It sounds like you are, but just be very clear with all these women that you are dating others and aren't in a place for the moment to be in a committed relationship.

 

No matter how cool they act, my experience (as a woman) is that most (not all of course) women really are looking for something more than just casual, especially if you're having sex. Past "wounds" make them say they are ok with casual but they still end up falling no matter how cool they start out.

[Trail Blazer]

@Finding my way - I haven't ruled out a relationship completely. Who knows what may blossom? Am I actively seeking a relationship? No. But I'm not totally ruling one out, either. However, until such time that I am in a committed relationship with one girl, shouldn't it be assumed that I'm dating multiple people? I just assume all the girls I'm dating are, too.

 

How many dates should one go on before there is an expectation that they're not cross-dating? Where does that delicate point between dating and being in an exclusive relationship fall? In the past I fell quickly and just defined it myself by being clear with my intentions. I have no plans to do that any more. I'm not into playing games, but at the same time I've been burnt by playing my hand too early (that's a figure of speech BTW) and seeming way too keen.

[FMW]

shouldn't it be assumed that I'm dating multiple people? I just assume all the girls I'm dating are, too.

 

It's not unreasonable to think that, but never assume

 

You sound like a fair and caring person, but just keep in mind that expectations in dating are frequently mismatched - as many of the posts here on LS show.

 

With all that being said, I DO think it's great that you're getting out there and meeting new women. Onward and upward!

[Trail Blazer]

It's not unreasonable to think that, but never assume

That is true. I guess it shouldn't be assumed that all are cross-dating, but it should always be understood that it's a possibility.

[Trail Blazer]

So, this girl I've gone on a couple of dates with, J, seems keen. She updated her FB story with "new cake in the works" which will be my daughter's cake. She's commenced making the icing decorations for it. I do like her, however this will be a slow burn process if we're to go anywhere.

 

Saturday morning I pick up the cake. Saturday night I have the little party for my daughter. My ex-girlfriend is coming with her son. She asked me who's making the cake as she seems to know a few of the local cake decorators in our area. When I told her, she said, "Hmmm, never heard of her."

 

Since I'll probably post up a pic of the cake, and I have J as a friend on FB now, I'm sure my ex, V, will know who J is soon enough. J already knows who my ex is as I've explained the situation, that we are friends and hang out. I'm happy to test the waters and see whether J is the jealous type or whether she's cool with me being friends with my ex. Who knows, maybe V will get the idea that J is more than just a random cake decorator I found online.

 

I've just returned home from spending a few days with mom in Idaho. I was supposed to go on a date with a girl over there but she pulled out on me last minute because she "felt unwell." If I had a dollar for every date who said that, I'd have about 10 dollars, as that's how many dates have pulled out on me in the last few months.

[Morello]

Yeah, great idea. Invite both your current date an your ex to the same event and see what happens.

 

You're clearly enjoying the idea that your ex might find out you're seeing someone new...

[Trail Blazer]

Yeah, great idea. Invite both your current date an your ex to the same event and see what happens.

 

You're clearly enjoying the idea that your ex might find out you're seeing someone new...

 

I'm not inviting my current date, I'm inviting my ex. My current date is making the cake. I'd have preferred to not tell my ex who is making the cake, but she's the one who asked me. I've got nothing to hide and if I keep seeing J, then she'll find out eventually anyway.

[Silver_star]

I have tried to do what you have done in the past...but after a break up the sex always made me feel good in the moment (attractive, sexual and in control), terrible afterwards, not guilty, just empty and sad. I am female, and there was a time after the first time I had sex with a new person after my ex that I felt overwhelmed with sadness. It was awkward. Sex is intimate. It doesn't have to be emotional, but for me it was hard to seperate after the break up. It can be fun and emotionally detached, but you need to prepare mentally for that, and to be fair to the other party let them know that it's nothing more than sex/fun. Sounds like you have been doing that with these women. Nothing wrong with that. I do not think you should let them assume you are dating other people. Women get attached easier especially after sex. It's not fair.

I have slept with a guy I really liked on our second date before, which is not sleazy and doesnt make me not gf material (double standard), but I didnt expect at the second date that he wasn't perhaps still talking to other girls online. However, AFTER we had slept together I did expect that he has a decision to make if he wants to keep doing that. If he is still talking to other girls and I am interested in dating him, I back out at that point to protect myself.

 

I would say that getting back out there right away has definitely helped you in some ways. The time spent on the drama of the sex crazed nurse, and dating new girls, and having sex with new people has helped you forge new connections, add excitement in your life, and boost your self confidence. Instead of analyzing the past, and wondering about what your ex is doing you are out there experiencing life. It has ultimately distracted you from dealing with the grief of the relationship that didn't work out, but you are on here on this forum, so I think you have enough self awareness to know that you are not ready to date on a deep level due to your current emotional state. It sounds like you have accepted the break up though, which is really positive. The only other thing you can do is let time pass to open yourself up to deeper connections with someone new. Don't need to rush that. Go have fun with OLD.

[BettyDraper]

That is true. I guess it shouldn't be assumed that all are cross-dating, but it should always be understood that it's a possibility.

 

I agree. When I was single, I never expected men to immediately stop dating others just because they liked me.

I will admit that I was put off when some men would tell me that they were seeing others when I didn't ask; it seemed like a ploy to make me jealous or competitive.

[BettyDraper]

Since I'll probably post up a pic of the cake, and I have J as a friend on FB now, I'm sure my ex, V, will know who J is soon enough. J already knows who my ex is as I've explained the situation, that we are friends and hang out. I'm happy to test the waters and see whether J is the jealous type or whether she's cool with me being friends with my ex. Who knows, maybe V will get the idea that J is more than just a random cake decorator I found online.

 

Are you hoping that your ex will be jealous of you seeing J?

Edited September 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Trail Blazer]

@Silver_star, great post. Your first paragraph is fair and reasonable. However, in the case of J, I don't think she's as ready to be in a relationship as she claims. Perhaps emotionally she is, just as I were three months after separating and getting with my now ex-girlfriend, V. Ultimately, if I'm to believe V's reasoning for pulling away from me emotionally, it was because I had too much going on with my divorce, so V felt like we were at different stages and incompatible for what, at the very least, she wanted (moving in together and having a child).

 

J sent me a picture of the birthday cake which she'd finished making on Thursday night. It was late, she told me she was exhausted and was going straight to bed. Certainly that was fair, as she works full time with a 9 year old daughter and does the cake business on the side. So, when she messaged me yesterday and asked me if I would be home in the afternoon, to which I said no, she told me I'd have to pick it up myself if I wanted it Saturday morning.

 

"No problem" I thought, but here's the thing... which makes the dynamic a little odd. J told me that I'd have to collect the cake from her ex. It dawned on me immediately that since she said her ex is living in their family home while she lives with her daughter at her mom's house, J is still baking cakes at the family home and not at her mom's house. So, many nights when she's baking during the week, she's staying there overnight. She told me on our second date that when we first connected on Bumble, she was still living in the same house, but in seperate bedrooms to her fiancee. J broke up with her ex December 18, yet only moved into her mom's house in June.

 

So, anyway, I picked the cake up. J told me to "just act cool, like you're a normal customer" (as if I was going to be any different). There was no issue, the dude would have been totally oblivious to who I was. The cake was amazing and J did a fantastic job. It was just a bit weird picking it up from the ex, knowing that she still half lives there, at least to conduct business. Look, I'm not bothered by it in the slightest, but that's probably because I am not really invested in a relationship. If I were, though, would this be a red flag? I think so, a little bit. Which is why I'm playing it cool for now and seeing what happens when J's house settlement is finalized.

 

Overall, OLD has been an absolute hoot! I connected with another girl on Plenty of Fish who, as it turns out, lives on the same street as me! I was having drinks at a local bar last night with a few buddies of mine, and I told this girl, E, to pop is and say hello if she had nothing better to do. I never expected her to as we'd only been talking for a day, she didn't even know my name. So anyway, sure enough, she turned up with a girlfriend and my buddies were like, "you never cease to amaze us the last few months."

 

The girls stayed for a drink and then left because it was a little awkward. E's friend was very uptight. My buddies thought she was a bit of a b!tch. I got a message from E later, apologizing for leaving but saying she felt uncomfortable. I asked her if she wanted to catch up again, just the two of us, to which she said yes. I've also got another date with J on Sunday night. So, dinner with J Sunday night and drinks Monday night with E. E has no kids so she's more freely available.

 

I fly back to work Tuesday morning, so I'll be in Texas for three weeks. I'm certainly making the most of my time back. I don't know where this will end, but my buddies are trying to convince me to drop the "player BS" and date J as, a) she's super hot, b) super keen on me and, c) despite having some personal circumstances she's dealing with, seems like a lovely person with a big heart. I actually agree, the head says I'm crazy to not jump at J, but it also says that I just can't invest myself again in anyone. I'm not ready.

 

My buddy said something which did kind of hit home, though. He said, "in a few months time you'll get bored of sleeping around and when you want something more serious, J will not have waited around for you and some other lucky a-hole will have snapped her up. He's probably right, but then there's plenty of fish (pun kinda intended) in the sea, and there's no shortage of them I'm finding. But then, she's kinda the whole package and otherwise the closest to GF marerial, so yeah, I'm kinda torn a bit.

[BettyDraper]

TB....it’s obvious that you prefer monogamous relationships to dating around. You also have a lot of love to give. These are not problematic traits. The issue is that you move too quickly and then you end up getting hurt or disillusioned. You also have great difficulty being alone which is why you date so soon after breakups. I think that you are aware of your patterns but you may not want to acknowledge them.

 

You and J are not ready for an exclusive relationship. She needs to finalize her housing situation and get her life together before she has a boyfriend. You need time to be single. Whatever you are urgently searching for in women can only be found in yourself.

[Trail Blazer]

Are you hoping that your ex will be jealous of you seeing J?

 

No, not at all! I doubt she feels that way to even be made jealous, but if she were it's not my intention. I would never deliberately try to hurt her. However, I did make a couple of observations since the last week and the party tonight. They were; V has posted on my FB statuses more recently, and that has cooincided with becoming friends with J. I posted a couple of things I did with my kids, inc. a few pics, both V and J "hearted" the pics.

 

Also, V never used to wear make up unless we went out somewhere nice or to someone's party or the like. Since it was just V and her son coming over, she had no real reason to wear make up, yet she came dressed really nicely and wore make up. I know she didnt come from anywhere else prior, as she told me she'd just been home all day. If she was trying to make herself look gorgeous then it worked, but I just found it odd.

 

So anyway, I posted up pics this evening on FB. I wanted to credit J for making the cake, so I tagged her actual FB business page in the post instead. V was one of the first to heart like the post, and J then replied as her personal profile, not business page how she was so happy that my daughter loved the cake and how her presents were so awesome, etc.

 

It's not my intention to hurt anyone. I don't know what I want right now. I love dating women. I'm attracted to beautiful women and working for a month away at a time, I enjoy the thrill of the chase and having fun I guess. Yes, I am someone who can and would love to be exclusive with the right woman, but after my marriage and failed relationship with V, I'm not ready to be exclusive but do not want to stop seeing women. So, I'm just plodding along aimlessly, doing as I please.

[Trail Blazer]

I've just gotten back from my third date with J. It was a strange date as it went well, but then it didn't. Overall though, I don't think it will work.

 

J was quick to ask me bizarre questions about previous sexual encounters, how many previous sexual partners I'd had, who was the best one. Then she proceeded to tell me her favourite position (on top) and how she loves being in control of things. I just chuckled and told her that I like women who know what they like.

 

Then came the discussion about my ex, V. There is no doubt that both V and J have been sussing each other out on FB as both have acted somewhat out of character (to be fair I am still trying to figure out J's actual character). J said she was okay about us being friends, but said she thought it was a bit weird. I just said friends are friends, male or female and that's where it ends. I told her that if I felt I had anything to hide I wouldn't be so open about it.

 

Anyway, J asked me, "Your ex is that V girl, right?" as if I was in any way fooled by her faux ignorance. When I said yes, she said, "Oh, yeah I wasn't really sure. It's just that I expected her to look... different." I asked her to clarify, and she said, "Well, you know... she's kinda... I'm sorry for being rude but I don't know how to put it any way..." before I cut her short and said, "You mean to say you thought I wouldn't find girls with curves attractive?"

 

To put it into perspective, V is by no means fat, but she's a fuller figure (big boobs, curves etc. and not a totally flat stomach after having her son) while J is ridiculously fit and toned, to the point where if she went to the gym much harder, it would actually be unattractive. However, I digress...

 

J replied, " Well, it's just that I find you super hot, so I kinda just had in mind a picture of a certain kind of girl you'd date, and she wasn't it." I knew at that point J was $h!t testing me and trying to guage my reaction. I had my smile on the whole time, I just winked at her and said, "I find many women to be beautiful and you're no exception. I'm so glad you find me attractive, because the feeling is mutual." J flicked her hair back with a giggle and said, "I try my best."

 

J got up after we'd finished our meal to go to the bathroom. I quickly checked my phone and saw that I had received a message from V's cousin, the guy who's house I was at for V's family Christmas dinner. He's a great guy who I've bumped into at the local mall and gym a few times since. The massage read: "Hey bud. I see you're on a date tonight! [wink emoji].

 

I had been concerned that V hadn't told any of her family that we weren't seeing each other any more as she doesn't communicate things well and keeps things to herself. So when I replied saying "Yeah lol, are you in the same restaurant?" he turned around a few tables over and winked at me. I replied quickly and said, "you do know V and I haven't been dating for almost 4 months, right?" He said, "Yes bud, well she hasn't told anyone but we've all guessed it for some time."

 

J came back and and looked at me a little strange and asked if everything was okay. I told her yeah, I just got spotted by a friend who's sitting over on the far table there. She said, "oh that's funny... I hope he approves" while brushing a bit of her hair behind her ear.

 

As I went to pay for dinner, I had to walk right past his table to get to the counter. I spoke with V's cousin briefly and said to him that I'm glad he knew V and I weren't together any more as it wasn't my place to tell anyone on your side of the family. He reiterated that everyone suspected it, and then said "your new date is a bit of all right, don't go scaring her off" with a chuckle and a wink.

 

After I'd paid for dinner I sat back down and J asked rehtorically, "have a bit of a chat, did you?" I just said, "Yeah, he approves." J put her hand on her chest and said, "Oh, that's a releif."

 

I walked J back to her car and we spoke for a few minutes before J had to leave to pick up her daughter from her ex. We shared a very passionate kiss, were she abruptly placed her hand on my chest then slowly ran her hand down my my stomache, stopping at my naval. She blew me a kiss and said that she will miss me while I'm working in Texas.

 

When we both got home I checked in to see of she got home okay with her daughter. She said she did and thanked me for the lovely evening before telling me that she's not so sure that it sits well with her that I see my ex like I do, but "I'm really tired and need to sleep on it." I replied, telling her I had a good night as well.

 

I fly to Texas Tuesday, so I guess I'll see how it plays out tomorrow.

[Trail Blazer]

Just to follow up on why I think V has been sussing out J, not only has she heart liked all of my recent posts in quick succession, but she sent me a link to a local buy, swap, sell FB group which had particular outdoor furniture I'd been looking to get like 5 months ago

 

I had not discussed this with V at all. For all she knew, I may well have gotten this furniture ages ago. It was just out of the blue, and she was quite descriptive and even screen shotted it for the purpose of circling a blemish she'd noticed and said, "this looks nice, but just take note lf this if you're interested."

 

Perhaps it's a total coincidence, but perhaps it also isn't?

[mark clemson]

Pretty big coincidence if it was one...

 

Anyhow, good for you.

 

I have a general question for you TB, if I may. I'm trying get an idea of where your head is at, mostly out of curiosity, rather than trying to make any kind of point.

 

Would you say that you are dating around, including sleeping with dates, just for the sake of dating, or are you dating around to find someone longer term? (Or, are you dating casually without looking for anything LT, but if someone who might be great LT comes along that would be fine with you and you'd give it a shot?)

 

Apologies if you've stated this above, but just wanted to clarify.

 

GL in the fracking fields (I assume that's where you're working).

[BettyDraper]

I know you just said that you don't want a serious relationship...but you also recently posted that you're torn between making J your girlfriend and playing the field. I'm sorry but I'm confused. Which is it?

 

I believe that you weren't trying to intentionally hurt your ex....but I also believe that you secretly enjoy the thought of the two women comparing themselves to each other. Why else would you put them in each other's orbit?

 

J wants a relationship with you, TB. That's why she's asking questions about your past, **** testing you, and being nervous about the approval of others in your life. It's also the reason she doesn't like the idea of you being friends with your ex. It could be time to have an honest discussion with her.

[Trail Blazer]

@mark clemson; Yeah, oilfield services. I'm a welder/fabricator for a number of on-shore drill rigs.

 

I'm dating for the sake of dating. I have 3-4 weeks to kill when I'm back home from the fields and in my time out in the fields I have plenty of time to line dates up. I guess you could say the latter is somewhat true; if I meet someone amazing then I wouldn't say no to something more serious. I'm not active looking for anything serious, though. My heart isn't really in it.

[Trail Blazer]

@Betty; It's more the case that in any other time of my life, I would have jumped at the opportunity to be in a relationship with J. I guess I know that she's a great catch, but I just can't get enthused about a relationship with anyone right now. It's just not the right time, but I guess somewhat selfishly, I am torn by thinking I'll regret letting her go at a later stage.

 

I did tell J that I wasn't actively looking for a relationship but that I wouldn't totally rule one out with the right person, either. She'd told me on our first date that she wanted a relationship. I told her between our first and second date that I needed time for things to organically develop, so I'd like to see her a few more times.

 

It should be noted that we have not had sex yet. I'm not selfishly stringing her along and using her like that. I'm not that sort of person, hence why I didn't feel comfortable having sex with her on the second date when she came back to my place (but obviously didn't stay the night) where I could have easily made the move and got it happenings.

 

I didn't set out to create a situation where the two girls would be comparing themselves and somewhat competing with one another. V only ever likes and/or comments on things I post if it has my kids in it. When V asked who was making the cake, I told her but she must have figured more was going on when she noticed J was also liking/commenting on statuses as her personal account, not business page. I didn't expect that to change on V's side and her to become more active on my FB activity all of a sudden.

 

Would I be lying if I said it was a bad thing that the waters have been tested a bit with regards to J? No... the situation is what it is. I probably cannot offer what she wants. I'm probably not willing to compromise given where I'm at, yet this scenario which I've unwittingly engineered by being more than open about my situation has allowed her to see it for what it is. The ball is in her court as much as it's in mine.

Edited September 2, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[Trail Blazer]

After a month of working away and being back home to consider where I'm at, I'd decided that I no longer wish to pursue 'J' any longer. She'd sent me a message saying she'd like to catch up when I'm back. I told her I'd get back to her. I waited a week, and told her that I'd be happy to catch up for a coffee, but she first needed to know that I couldn't offer her what she wanted - a relationship.

 

I was thinking throughout the whole time she'd told me she wanted a relationship (after our second date) that, really, I'm not in the right headspace for a relationship - I'm just not ready. It's true, but in reality it was a lot easier to convince myself of that because, in all honesty, I didn't want to be in a relationship with her. My buddies think I'm mad, as J was really hot. However, I think I'd be mad to date someone just because they were hot.

 

We never even had sex. I might wake up one day regretting it. But despite not wanting to be in a relationship with her, I did like her. I respected her and valued what she wanted and knew I couldn't provide it. I would have just been leading her on and using her. That's not cool, and I also don't want to deal with an angry/upset woman when it all would have eventually turned to crap. I'm just too mentally tired to deal with that stuff.