Playing the field to avoid processing a relationship breakdown

[Mrin]

Okay I am going to go a different direction from the majority here...

 

1. You've had the discussion. You're both on the same page. Stop. No more. You did your duty.

 

2. I think you (and a lot of people on this thread) are reading way too much into this.

 

3. I suggest you just take her at her word.

 

4. She's a nurse with a hectic but good job. She doesn't need a man to take care of her.

 

5. She can't have kids. That's a pretty powerful thing for women to discover. All their lives they've been conditioned to want to have kids. Be a mom. To do that it takes a man. And then one day they figure out they can never had kids. It is brutal. I've supported several friends of mine who went through this. But, when they get to the other side, they realize yet again, they don't need a man. And it can be pretty damn liberating.

 

6. She just got out of a toxic relationship. She doesn't want another man.

 

7. What she wants is the company and the regular sex with a guy she can respect and some emotional intimacy without all of the baggage and trappings that come with a relationship. That sounds pretty healthy to me honestly. Sounds like a woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to say it.

 

8. All that being said, I want you to be really clear on one thing: this is what she wants now. She may change her mind in the future, just as you might. And then it might not work between you two. And that's okay.

 

My suggestion to you is just go with it because that sounds like what you want. Stop with the over analyzing her. Take her at her word and her actions and act accordingly. Stop with the interrogation - already I imagine this is starting to tick the "pain in the ass" factor for her. Don't get feels for her. And don't ever talk about the other women you're dating. That's just gross and weak.

 

Lastly, and feel free to completely ignore this as it just might be ME reading too much into this but I detect a hint of resentment on your part that she doesn't want some sort of relationship with you. Like it is some sort of passive rejection on her part. And it makes sense. You just got out of a year long relationship where your ex was all like "thank god that's over, ok bye". And then you go into this and you basically think that she wants you just for your D. If I were in your shoes I might be all like "hey, what do you mean you DON'T want me for a relationship?!?" That's normal and human. To that I'd say, look, she's a hot nurse who probably could have sex with the vast majority of men she meets every day if she just said yes. The arrangement she outlined is the equivalent of a perpetual free pass to a really good BBQ sports bar where every TV is always playing Game 7 of the NBA finals filled with couches and a never ending supply of Double IPA's. She chose you for this arrangement - an arrangement most guys would kill for. That's a pretty big compliment if you ask me.

 

So... in other words, don't F*$# this up.

 

Oh ya, and be sure to practice safe sex unless you guys decide on sexual exclusivity.

 

Best of luck,

 

Mrin

Edited May 22, 2019 by Mrin

[Happy Lemming]

^^^ 100% Agree with "Mrin"

 

The only thing I might add is... You found an individual willing to put up with your "out of town" for 3-4 weeks work schedule. THAT IS HUGE!!

 

You have a woman getting naked for you, making you happy and yet you want to self sabotage it by talking too much, STOP!!

 

I 2nd "Mrin" statement, Don't F%^* this up!!

[mark clemson]

Or she has become so tolerant and compliant due to being abused that she will agree to anything...

 

Quite possible. Good point...

 

The arrangement she outlined is the equivalent of a perpetual free pass to a really good BBQ sports bar where every TV is always playing Game 7 of the NBA finals filled with couches and a never ending supply of Double IPA's. She chose you for this arrangement - an arrangement most guys would kill for. That's a pretty big compliment if you ask me.

 

Also a good point. Perhaps this is related to the point above.

 

Or perhaps I'm reading too much into this. As Mrin points out, she is now a free woman who has gotten away from abusers and can do as she pleases. This is what she is choosing to do.

 

Dunno. Guess you'll see how it plays out, Trailblazer. Have fun. Do remain cautious.

[snowcones]

Or she has become so tolerant and compliant due to being abused that she will agree to anything...

 

 

I agree. She strikes me to be the type to act tolerant of anything, and then later on cry abuse.

 

 

^^^ 100% Agree with "Mrin"

 

The only thing I might add is... You found an individual willing to put up with your "out of town" for 3-4 weeks work schedule. THAT IS HUGE!!

 

You have a woman getting naked for you, making you happy and yet you want to self sabotage it by talking too much, STOP!!

 

I 2nd "Mrin" statement, Don't F%^* this up!!

 

 

He's a man, so I'm sure he won't be able to help it and will end up doing exactly what you guys suggested.

[elaine567]

I agree. She strikes me to be the type to act tolerant of anything, and then later on cry abuse.

If she has been abused she will not cry abuse, she will just get hurt and more damaged.

[divegrl]

Hmm. Rarely happier to be wrong. IF I'm wrong. I may well be.

 

The red flag (if it is one) is how swiftly she changed into "exactly what you want". It's as if she heard what you said and instantly adapted. So what she actually wanted all along happens to be exactly what you want. And maybe she herself actually does believe it (for now). It does all sound a little too good to be true.

 

As per others above, guess you should believe her for now AND proceed with a LOT of caution.

 

She may indeed just want someone worthy to screw. Then again, she be a master manipulator type. If she had abusive people in her past, she may have learned from pros.

 

I agree with this. She is “mirroring” your behavior. She is shape shifting and becoming exactly who she thinks you want her to be. This is very emotionally unstable.

 

Ok, OP. You have been truthful and communicated exactly what you want. And she has agreed to your terms. To keep her expectations low, I would limit daily communication and keep meetups to 1 or 2 times a week. Your actions must match your words.

 

Have a beautiful day.

[LenaRea]

TrailBlazer - I feel like you’ve either met a true unicorn of a woman, one of the precious few who know exactly who they are, what they want, and are secure enough to take it. Which, if that’s the case, bravo to you and your extremely blessed (possibly magical?) c@<k. I look forward to the campfire stories we can roast marshmallows over in the coming weeks! You are one lucky, lucky individual. Have. A. Blast!!!!

 

However, in the interest of your personal wellbeing, and similar to the others who’ve already been posting on your thread....I feel the need to point out why she may be the opposite of a unicorn. Based on your posts, I feel she is just a lost soul who’s been through the wringer most of her life.

 

1. She’s already detailed her extensive history with abusers (red flag.) And she’s alarmingly willing to show you (a man she doesn’t know from Adam) photographic evidence. This means she makes evidence of all moments, such as your picture to her friends one day after meeting you. Women like this, regardless of what she says verbally, is creating what I think of as “livable realities” for themselves. The only way someone so abused and conditioned can convince themselves to stay with an abuser, addict, etc for so long is to spin reality enough to keep it seemingly “okay.” The same goes for when they finally end things. They have to have concrete proof of the abusive universe to convince themselves that world is worse than the alternate “livable” universe. I hope that makes sense.

 

Point to this section though: she’s already begun to spin a “TrailBlazer World” where you are the star in the narrative. Despite her adamantly stating she wants the same FWB situation as you, she is actively spinning a reality that is just a bit different, that will allow her to rationalize her choices. Such as, “we cuddled and spooned all night. He told me his last name and all about his kids. He says he just wants sex, but he was so understanding about my past and my endometriosis, he likes and wants me more than just sex.”

 

She may not say this out loud, she may not even be conscious of it, but this is how abused women learn to survive. They cherry pick information and situations to rationalize the reality. They are compartmentalization world champs.

 

2. If you look back at the beginning of this thread and your immediate response to her behavior post-sex you will see how right you were (red flag.) A woman who has been so damaged by abuse has been conditioned to feel her only point of value for a man is her sex. That’s why she sells it so hard. (Pardon the pun!) I cannot stress this enough - an abuse victim does not know their value beyond what they offer physically. At all. Doesn’t matter if they are a business owner or the ruler of the world. Champions at compartmentalization, remember? The two worlds aren’t even connected for them. I strongly urge you to re-read the beginning of this thread. How your impression of her was that she was insecure and desperate, “selling” her sex to gain your favor. Damaged women cannot see their real value. You, yourself, stated multiple times she seems damaged. This is important.

 

3. A woman that has been abused and victimized can easily and convincingly outline why they want the same FWB relationship as you. Because in their mind, why else would you be there? If sex is their only value, then duh...it’s not even a question you’d be there for another reason. It’s almost an insulting question for them. Problem becomes, as things progress, they (subconsciously or not) hope you are the guy who will “give” or “discover” their true worth. And now you are the KISA.

 

4. This will be doubly so for a woman who has been so damaged by repeated abusers, addicts, and other sub-par men who feels even more damaged, broken, and worthless due to infertility. To her, she has even less value now than she did before. How could you want more than sex, in her mind.

 

They sure put on one hell of a show, though. Oscar caliber. It’s called survival.

 

My (very long-winded) advice, tread very, very carefully and listen to the warnings you gave yourself in the very beginning.

 

If she really is the unicorn, I’d love to meet her for a selfie. Maybe a seminar.

Edited May 22, 2019 by LenaRea

[Trail Blazer]

Thank you everybody for the responses. I appreciate them all.

 

It would appear as though there's a theme going on here where the guys are saying, "high five" and "you've found a unicorn so don't f**k it up."

 

The consensus among the girls, however, seems to be that "she's damaged" or she's somehow shapeshifting to placate what I want.

 

Is it possible that you girls are projecting your own views of someone's behavior based on the mental state you'd have to be in yourself to act thay way?

 

I guess, at the end of the day, people will believe what they want to believe. If it's a genuine 50/50 proposition, I'll go with the one that suits me best. I mean, I've done all I can to ward her off, I've been honest and told her exactly how it will play out from my end... what more could be reasonably expected from me?

 

My gut told me that something wasn't right. However, after talking to her, my head is actually thinking that she may well be telling the truth and I just happen to be the luckiest MoFo having landed exactly the right woman, in exactly the right kind of arrangement, to distract me from the pain of breaking up with my ex.

 

So, I've decided to strap myself in and enjoy the ride (literally). I'm spending the evening with my kids tomorrow, having pizza with them. Nurse L wants me over at her's after I drop the kids back to their mom's place.

[Trail Blazer]

@LenaRea

 

That was a fantastic post. You know, you well be right. It sounds perfectly valid and makes sense. But how do I know either way? I can't save people from themselves. If I let her go on the 'maybe' I could also be wrong, and blew it with a once in a lifetime woman; a real unicorn as you've said. I've been honest, she's agreed to the terms. My responsibility ends there.

[Twizzlestick]

No, I’m a dude and think you should sack it off and look elsewhere .

[LenaRea]

@LenaRea

 

That was a fantastic post. You know, you well be right. It sounds perfectly valid and makes sense. But how do I know either way? I can't save people from themselves. If I let her go on the 'maybe' I could also be wrong, and blew it with a once in a lifetime woman; a real unicorn as you've said. I've been honest, she's agreed to the terms. My responsibility ends there.

 

Why, Thank You, TrailBlazer! I do my best ?

 

Honestly, you don’t know either way. You have absolutely done your due diligence; you’ve have conversations that were frank and honest, you’ve been repeatedly upfront about your intentions and ability to engage emotionally at this point. You have to follow your instincts and take her at her word. I would.

 

I mean, there isn’t more you can do. It would be against your nature, not to mention somewhat off putting, if you were continually saying “Nurse L, are you suuuure you don’t want more? Really, really sure? You’re sure?” You definitely can’t save people from themselves.

 

The only thing you can do is enjoy yourself while you can, keep the lines of communication open, if things start to go sideways you’ll feel it, you seem like a really aware man, intellectually and emotionally. I’m sure if the time comes you’ll continue to treat her with honesty and respect.

 

So, let yourself and your magical manhood enjoy the unicorn, while she lasts!! Don’t forget us over here waiting for tall-tales - and send advice my way!!

[Happy Lemming]

...after talking to her, my head is actually thinking that she may well be telling the truth and I just happen to be the luckiest MoFo having landed exactly the right woman...

 

You know... some people do win the lottery.

 

And its OK to be lucky, sometimes the right person does come along at the right time in out lives.

 

After everything that has happened to you, don't you think you deserve some "Good Luck"!! Its OK to win once in a while, also.

 

One last piece of advice, don't forget about her while you are away in the oil fields for 3-4 weeks. Can you send e-mail(s) and pictures while you are out there?? I'd also bring her back a souvenir from the town you are stationed in/at.

 

A few years back, I remember dating a woman, things were fairly new and I had to go out of town for work. When it was time to fly home, I picked her up a set of salt & pepper shakers from the airport for that town. Unbeknownst to me, she actually collected salt & pepper shakers from various locations and didn't have this location. She was so excited to receive her little gift from my business trip. That day... "I won"!!

[Trail Blazer]

So, let yourself and your magical manhood enjoy the unicorn, while she lasts!! Don’t forget us over here waiting for tall-tales - and send advice my way!!

Magical manhood? No... I've never alluded to that! I think I'm just a master at "motion of the ocean." *wink*

 

Tall tales? I guess some random person on the internet could claim anything, right? But, you know, I don't have a very good imagination and I certainly couldn't make this kind of stuff up on the fly!

 

It must be said, though... boy, do I have some interesting screen shots from my last few weeks on POF! I would be happy to share! Hehe.

 

I'll be sure to come back and update on how things are going, and in doing so, will paraphrase to the best of my memory's recollection.

 

Oh, and BTW, the insurance broker, who'll be known as 'J' has agreed to go on a date with me. This one is for coffee, not for home visits and red wine fueled romps.

Edited May 23, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[Trail Blazer]

One last piece of advice, don't forget about her while you are away in the oil fields for 3-4 weeks. Can you send e-mail(s) and pictures while you are out there?? I'd also bring her back a souvenir from the town you are stationed in/at.

There is limited cell phone reception but at camp there is WiFi. It's quiteba remote location I'll be at. I actually have no idea how far away the nearest town is. Mu buddy who's up there said not much is around.

 

I'm not sure about gifts. Isn't that sending the wrong message? I'd do that for someone I'm in an exclusive relationship with. Not L, though. She even told me she never wants gifts, flowers, etc.

[nolanola]

Thank you everybody for the responses. I appreciate them all.

 

It would appear as though there's a theme going on here where the guys are saying, "high five" and "you've found a unicorn so don't f**k it up."

 

The consensus among the girls, however, seems to be that "she's damaged" or she's somehow shapeshifting to placate what I want.

 

Is it possible that you girls are projecting your own views of someone's behavior based on the mental state you'd have to be in yourself to act thay way?

 

Maybe it's because women know the way other women think? Just as I would not ask a woman to understand why a man does what he does - I'd ask one of my male friends. I know if one of my friends told me she had agreed to this arrangement, I would be concerned about her - because most women don't handle this situation well. Are there some that do? Sure, I suppose, but her behavior thus far doesn't seem consistent with that.

 

No judgement, but I think you've gone with the advice that suits what you want to do. But please, for the love of God, do not call this woman from your trip and bring her gifts. That is not FWB behavior. If you want to have that relationship, now that you've thrown down your truth, you need to stick by it and back your words up with actions that match.

[Trail Blazer]

No judgement, but I think you've gone with the advice that suits what you want you think.

Of course I have and I admitted as much. But I did say that I've done so on the basis that I feel it's a genuine 50/50 proposition as to whether she's a very damaged woman trying to placate me or she's actually a very well-adjusted, sexually liberated woman who really does know what she wants.

 

Not that I care for being judged, because at the end of the day I'm more than happy to take on board all opinions, but ultimately I will make the decision I think is correct, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I am curious though; in your opinion do you think that if I continue to engage with this FWB arrangement, there is no way to view it other than it being a case of me exploiting/taking advantage of her?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I am curious though; in your opinion do you think that if I continue to engage with this FWB arrangement, there is no way to view it other than it being a case of me exploiting/taking advantage of her?

 

You didn't ask me, but no, I don't think you're exploiting her. So far she's given you no reason to not believe what she told you, and you were very clear with her.....like you said, you can't save her from herself.

 

The fact she said no flowers or gifts ever is telling, though . I call BS on that and it really speaks to her feelings of self-worth .

[LenaRea]

I made my thoughts pretty clear ?, but I’ll throw another 2 cents in - I don’t think you are exploiting her either. Like I said previously, you’ve really seemed to make sure both of you are on the same page. At least, as much as you can without involving telepathy. You can’t do much more than that.

 

But I do agree with the comments made by nolanola and CautiouslyOptimistic - women know how other women think and the vast majority of women do not handle a FWB situation well, especially after throwing out so many self worth red flags.

 

I still say step carefully. As soon as your gut kicks up a warning, pay attention. Definitely don’t treat her like a girl you’re dating with lots of long distance calls or presents. That will just muddy the waters. Treat the situation exactly as it is, to the letter, focusing on the “benefits” section. The two of you aren’t actually friends. You don’t know her. She doesn’t know you. I wouldn’t go by her place and fix things any more either, honestly. Your situation is more accurately Strangers who meet for Benefits (SWMFB) ?

 

And I figured for now the unicorn tale is technically a “Tall” one - can’t be classified legendary while it’s still happening? I love a good Tall Tale and Legend. Paul Bunyan wasn’t legend right away either? Since I can’t speak to the ocean motion, I’m going to stick to magical. Makes the legend!!

 

I really like you TB - I hope she’s the real deal. Kind of the whole, “you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need” vibe! Plus, I really like good stories with a positive side for a change.

 

Good luck with “J” too! She sounds like she has potential!

[Trail Blazer]

@LenaRea

 

J lives on the other side of town. Like, 90 minutes+ drive. She's seemingly very keen. I like her. It's scary to think because I don't want to fall down that rabbit hole again. Being vulnerable is a weakened position, and I'm scared to go there again. And I'm still recovering emotionally from losing my ex.

 

We did speak about having coffee. We both work within the city limits (myself only for another fortnight), so I suggested maybe catching up after work in town. She said that would be nice, but that "if we're going to meet in the city, let's go to a bar and have a drink instead." I told her I was up for that.

[nolanola]

I am curious though; in your opinion do you think that if I continue to engage with this FWB arrangement, there is no way to view it other than it being a case of me exploiting/taking advantage of her?

 

Of course not. A lot of women ignore what men say and think the man will change his mind. She’s taken it to another level by flat out telling you what she did. I personally don’t believe her for a second that she’s being honest about what she wants. She wants to keep your cat but she’s fine with you not acknowledging her in public? Tells you very personal things on your second “date” but doesn’t care if you don’t treat her as your girlfriend or even someone you’re dating? Doesn’t sound congruent to me. But at least you’ve put all your cards out there, so I don’t think you’re exploiting her.

 

Just please keep your actions in line with your words. This is a huge thing for women: just read these boards. “He said he didn’t want a relationship but he calls me every day. I don’t understand”

[LenaRea]

@LenaRea

 

J lives on the other side of town. Like, 90 minutes+ drive. She's seemingly very keen. I like her. It's scary to think because I don't want to fall down that rabbit hole again. Being vulnerable is a weakened position, and I'm scared to go there again. And I'm still recovering emotionally from losing my ex.

 

We did speak about having coffee. We both work within the city limits (myself only for another fortnight), so I suggested maybe catching up after work in town. She said that would be nice, but that "if we're going to meet in the city, let's go to a bar and have a drink instead." I told her I was up for that.

 

 

That’s fantastic!! Maybe stick to one drink this time or alternate with water!! Keep your wits about you with this one. At least, initially.

 

It’s extraordinarily anxiety producing and scary to be vulnerable again. Just take your time and get to know her. No rabbit hole jumping! Unless, you’re on belay ?

 

(If you ever head in an eastern direction and want to meet a real unicorn, let me know....) ?

[Trail Blazer]

(If you ever head in an eastern direction and want to meet a real unicorn, let me know....) ��

 

It begs the question... has anyone on LS ever actually hooked up IRL?

 

I'm not quite sure how to take your quite blatantly facetious manner, but what I will say is that I will be heading in an eastern direction in a couple of week's time. I'll be heading as far east as West Texas, so we could always meet half way! *wink*

[mark clemson]

Don’t forget us over here waiting for tall-tales

 

 

I'm actually most curious about how this thing ends.

 

There's bad (NC, broken hearts) and then there's really, really bad (false rape accusations, car getting set on fire, etc). I suspect it will be somewhere between those two ends of the spectrum.

 

Again, hope I'm wrong (really) and if it stays true FWB I could be. But those red flags tho...

[Veronica73]

But those red flags tho...

 

I know!

 

The stories should be good anyway. But one of your very first posts about this woman mentioned that there was something “bunny boiler” about her, lol!

[Veronica73]

She may really be a unicorn. And I’m not a FWB, NSA kind of person, so I may well not understand at all. But I can kind of understand doing that kind of thing with someone who is not ready for a relationship and being fine with it. But if they said, “Hey, just so you know, if I change my mind and I decide I really do want a real relationship down the line...you’re not going to be it....I wouldn’t ever introduce you to my mom or my family.” Holy crap. I can’t even imagine being fine with that.

 

But yeah. She’s probably a unicorn.