Playing the field to avoid processing a relationship breakdown

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm actually most curious about how this thing ends.

 

There's bad (NC, broken hearts) and then there's really, really bad (false rape accusations, car getting set on fire, etc). I suspect it will be somewhere between those two ends of the spectrum.

 

Again, hope I'm wrong (really) and if it stays true FWB I could be. But those red flags tho...

 

Yeah....TB could be the one really getting burned here..... I mean, it's even in his name....

[Happy Lemming]

It begs the question... has anyone on LS ever actually hooked up IRL?

 

Yes, plenty of times...

[Trail Blazer]

I stayed over at L's again last night and it was great. If I'm going to be completely truthful with myself, I honestly don't believe that at some point she won't try and muddy the waters and mould this into more of a relationship than what it is now.

 

What I am certain of is that she's chosen me based on all aspects she would consider for actually being in a relationship. Myself on the other hand, I wouldn't date her. She seems like a nice enough person, but her personality is one that I'd find irritating to be around for too much time.

 

In the past I'd have gone for her just because she's hot, but now I'm happy to separate that aspect from other important criteria. I'd date someone not as hot if they had the kind of personality that I click with. This arrangement to me is just about sexual attraction and lust.

 

Only time will tell how this will all end. What I can say is that right now, this is akin to riding a motorbike. You need your wits about you constantly, you wouldn't want to do it every day and one wrong move could end in tragedy. However, the rush you get is pretty addictive.

[Veronica73]

*shakes head*

And there you have it.

You actually equated being with her to riding a motorcycle.

[Trail Blazer]

*shakes head*

And there you have it.

You actually equated being with her to riding a motorcycle.

It was an analogy in case you missed it. To put it into context, a good relationship would be like driving a car. More conventional, safer and a lot more comfortable to live with every day. Just not nearly as thrilling!

[Trail Blazer]

L blew up my phone all day again, saying how much she enjoyed sleeping with me, at al. Is it normal to message people you're in an FWB relationship with? I wouldn't have thought so personally. I try to only reply the minimum amount of times so she knows I haven't bailed.

 

As I was leaving work, the last message I got from her was;

 

"Hiya, I hope you have a great weekend. I was hoping to get out of here on time but now I'm in for a long night. One of the residents had a massive stroke and passed away. I've had to deal with the body, liaise with the family and prepare all the paper work. Now I'm waiting on the medical examiner and will have to assist them with their investigation. Talk to you soon! XXX."

 

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for her job and the work she does. However, I do feel like she's sent me this in the hope that I'll reply with a supportive message. On one hand, as a decent person who empathises with the professional challenge she's facing, I'd love to reply with something encouraging. On the other hand, I feel that it's unwise as it undermines the foundation of this relationship.

 

Do I just ignore the message? Say something very minimal? I feel like I'm being drawn into a vacuum here!

[Trail Blazer]

My ex-girlfriend and I still talk on Messenger. She asked me to let her know when I fly out for the new job. I sent her message and told her my start date. Over the last year she rode the whole application process with me, so she's been keen to hear how things have progressed.

 

She asked me a few more things about the job, handing in my resignation with my current work, etc. and I told her I'll call her on my way home from work as it's easier. When I called her she was on her way to the vet. She was a little bit upset as her 14 year old dog couldn't walk on his back legs. He'd been yelping in pain and it had beeb getting worse, so she thought his time might have been up.

 

She spoke with me on the hands free in her car, which meant that her (6 year old) son could also hear the conversation. He interrupted (as all little kids do) by saying, "hi Trail Blazer (obviously not my real name lol), when am I coming back to your house again?" I was taken aback, I didn't know what to say. My ex and I had agreed to remain friends, but I'm not really sure to the extent by which she's explained to her son that things aren't really like they used to be.

 

To be fair, last night my daughter also asked if she could see my ex-girlfriend and play with her son. I haven't told my kids we're not dating anymore. I don't need them telling their mom, who had issues with me introducing the kids to her, who'll no doubt, "I told you so" and other annoying things that I don't really feel like dealing with right now.

 

So anyway, since 'V' and I had agreed to catch up, and we'd said the kids could have a play date too, I just said, "perhaps we can catch up for coffee and go to the park?" V agreed and said it was a good idea.

 

I didn't want to have them come over to my place as I want to make it as informal as possible. The little dude adored me while I was dating his mom, so it's been a little sad for me as he's such an awesome little kid and I really did grow attached to him.

 

With all that being said, I've come to the realization that "playing the field" has helped me get over my ex. Talking to a bunch of new women, hooking up with L, it's all been a great distraction. The first week was hard and a couple of times driving home, when I went past places where we'd spent time eating at or created good memories, I did find realluly upsetting.

 

Am I over her? Yes and no. I don't miss her as much. I still care for her a lot and value her friendship immensely. She helped me through some pretty dark times post-separation. I haven't seen her since we've broken up, though, so I guess the litmus test will be when we meet up again in person.

[nolanola]

L blew up my phone all day again, saying how much she enjoyed sleeping with me, at al. Is it normal to message people you're in an FWB relationship with? I wouldn't have thought so personally. I try to only reply the minimum amount of times so she knows I haven't bailed.

 

 

No, but then again, I don't think that's how she sees you.

[FMW]

She's not your FWB - she's your F***buddy. I have an actual FWB, and yes we do discuss what's going on in each others' lives and give support and encouragement. But the friendship was established long before the benefits and we are on the same page and honest with each other.

 

Again, you just want a F***buddy, and she has given you plenty of signals that she wants more. It doesn't matter that she talks a good game of being cool and casual when you bring it up.

 

I'm glad you feel seeing her has helped you in moving on from your ex (although it doesn't sound like you really are), but as several of us have told you, she's damaged goods. You are enjoying the "thrill" of the motorcycle - as long as you continue you have to accept the dangers that come with it.

[elaine567]

L blew up my phone all day again, saying how much she enjoyed sleeping with me, at al. Is it normal to message people you're in an FWB relationship with? I wouldn't have thought so personally. I try to only reply the minimum amount of times so she knows I haven't bailed.

YOU may think you are in a FWB arrangement, she thinks she is in a relationship with you, as despite telling her it is a casual arrangement, you don't act casual.

She thinks you will come around eventually and see she is the one for you...

[Happy Lemming]

... you have to accept the dangers that come with it.

 

What dangers??

 

Do you think "L." will go all Glenn Close on Trail Blazer and boil his bunny??

 

Sometimes a sexual relationship is just that, two people that want to get naked and have some fun. I've had those type of women in my life and enjoyed same. If the parameters of the relationship change, cross that bridge when you get to it, then make a decision.

[Trail Blazer]

She's not your FWB - she's your F***buddy. I have an actual FWB, and yes we do discuss what's going on in each others' lives and give support and encouragement. But the friendship was established long before the benefits and we are on the same page and honest with each other.

 

Again, you just want a F***buddy, and she has given you plenty of signals that she wants more. It doesn't matter that she talks a good game of being cool and casual when you bring it up.

 

I'm glad you feel seeing her has helped you in moving on from your ex (although it doesn't sound like you really are), but as several of us have told you, she's damaged goods. You are enjoying the "thrill" of the motorcycle - as long as you continue you have to accept the dangers that come with it.

Fair enough. F**k buddy then. So, the answer to that question is a resounding "no".

[elaine567]

No-one is suggesting that two people can't have a purely NSA type of arrangement, but this woman is not a suitable candidate for that.

From day one, that was glaringly obvious.

Are we surprised she is now blowing up his phone...???

Um...no...

[FMW]

What dangers??

 

At the very least, the dangers of constantly being unsettled by her texts, what she says, what she does, etc. That sounds exhausting.

 

And as a woman, I've heard plenty of stories from my women friends who do crazy stuff when they feel scorned by a guy, no matter how clearly the guy was showing he wasn't invested. One recently hid in the bushes outside the guy's house and spied on him through the open patio doors when he had another woman over and then blew up his phone for the next week or so with nasty novel length texts.

 

No, she probably won't go full bunny boiler. But thrill rides are never calm and comfortable.

[LenaRea]

L blew up my phone all day again, saying how much she enjoyed sleeping with me, at al. Is it normal to message people you're in an FWB relationship with? I wouldn't have thought so personally. I try to only reply the minimum amount of times so she knows I haven't bailed.

 

 

Hiya! Me, again! IME, it’s not the fact that she’s messaging, it’s the frequency and content. Someone who has no emotional investment in the situation, like a unicorn, would message more logistical information or “light” banter type conversations.

 

If a situation like this came up, I’m thinking their message to you would be more along the lines of “Hey, TB. I thought I was going to get out on time from work, but we’ve had an emergency and it’s all hands on deck. I can message when I’m finished if it’s not too late or we can try to hook up another time. Sorry!”

 

Nurse L’s message was not meant to convey scheduling information, it’s meant to pull from you emotionally, looking for emotional support and attachment. THIS is what we’ve been trying to warn you about. You two were not “friends” when this started, so it’s going to be impossible to try and build that friendship now. It’s ALL benefits. She should not be looking to you for her emotional support. Since she IS, and she has shown that throughout, you need to be careful. It would be inhuman not to respond (which she is counting on) so to remain appropriate you could respond with something along the lines of “Wow, that’s rough. That’s why I’m in oil!” Or something like that, acknowledging what she said, without drawing more information or emotion about it from her. (And, I’m in the medical field, it really bothers me when someone comes close to making a HIPPA violation or exploits patient information for person gain. Just a thing I have...total aside. But it does reveal a lot about their character.)

 

The fact that you feel like you are being “drawn into a vacuum” IS A HUGE RED FLAG!!!! She 100% is trying to change your interest level into relationship level. You said it yourself, SHE chose you based on relationship criteria NOT hook up criteria. As I said before, she’s hoping you’ll see she has more to offer than sex, but her self worth is so low she will take the sex breadcrumbs and spin it on her end to justify her decisions.

 

Do you know how many people die in motorcycle accidents? Wear a helmet, because the crash will come.....

Edited May 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Trail Blazer]

Anyway, I have a date lined up Tuesday night with J. We're meeting in a bar in town after work.

 

J and I chatted a fair bit last night. I checked out her FB account (okay I stalked - who doesn't?) and found that we had two mutual friends. Her account settings were fairly lax, so I managed to figure out quite a bit about her. It turns out one of her mutual friends was her ex-husband's best man at their wedding a number of years back.

 

So anyway, after we exchanged phone numbers, she came up as a suggested contact on Snapchat. We goofed around on Snapchat for a while before she mentioned that she had a really awkward question to ask me. I already knew where it was going....

 

J mentioned that I came up as a suggested friend on Messenger as I was in her contact list and we had two mutual friends. She asked straight out how I knew the individual in question, her ex-husband's best friend. I told her that I'd worked with him. She asked if I still was in contact with him. I told her, "oh yeah, for sure! I asked him all about you and he gave me all the goss." She was like, "OMG, are you serious!?" to which I replied, "no, of course not. I'm kidding."

 

I played dumb until J told me why she'd asked me. She said that if I'd still been in contact with him that it might be a bit awkward. She told me that she's referred to as "the bitch who broke his heart" as she was the one who left him. I just said that what happened in the past is in the past, I worry about the present and I'll form my own opinion. I told J, "don't worry, if I don't like you it will be totally down to my opinion." She laughed and said "you will." The nature of our dialog has been one of banter for the most part, so my comments were in fitting with that.

 

I do quite like J. Who knows what will happen. I don't want a relationship, but if I end up wanting to spend time with J, it may not be viable spending time with L as well. L is one I am wary of. J seems a lot more conventional, but perhaps not as exciting, and definitely not as hot (she's kinda cute, but not that seductive hot nurse type).

[LenaRea]

It begs the question... has anyone on LS ever actually hooked up IRL?

 

I'm not quite sure how to take your quite blatantly facetious manner, but what I will say is that I will be heading in an eastern direction in a couple of week's time. I'll be heading as far east as West Texas, so we could always meet half way! *wink*

 

HL says people have - where’s the thread to show how that’s worked out ?

 

I know, I know, I can’t help it!! Not everyone appreciates my witty banter....you are more than welcome to take it how ever you want ? I really enjoy our back and forth! You “get it.”

 

I’m mildly alarmed you think west Texas is “East” though.....

[Happy Lemming]

At the very least, the dangers of constantly being unsettled by her texts, what she says, what she does, etc. That sounds exhausting.

 

And as a woman, I've heard plenty of stories from my women friends who do crazy stuff when they feel scorned by a guy, no matter how clearly the guy was showing he wasn't invested. One recently hid in the bushes outside the guy's house and spied on him through the open patio doors when he had another woman over and then blew up his phone for the next week or so with nasty novel length texts.

 

 

Those aren't dangers, those are inconveniences. If she starts texting or calling too much, you change your number. I had to do that back in the days of "land lines", there was a nominal charge, but again just a minor inconvenience.

 

If I found an ex hiding in my hedge/bushes, I'd hand her a set of pruners and ask her to give the hedge a trim while she was there... make herself useful. Really if an ex wants to hide in my hedge/bush, knock yourself out, eventually she'll get bored or cold and go home. Again, no danger... minor inconvenience.

 

Personally, I don't mind a thrill ride, bring it on!!

[FMW]

Hey Happy Lemming, I think you're probably a much more laid back guy than Trail Blazer

 

I was freaked out just hearing my friend openly talk about the event. She's got long blonde hair and is very popular with guys.

 

But my guy friends have said that the crazy ones are the hottest

[LenaRea]

Those aren't dangers, those are inconveniences. If she starts texting or calling too much, you change your number. I had to do that back in the days of "land lines", there was a nominal charge, but again just a minor inconvenience.

 

If I found an ex hiding in my hedge/bushes, I'd hand her a set of pruners and ask her to give the hedge a trim while she was there... make herself useful. Really if an ex wants to hide in my hedge/bush, knock yourself out, eventually she'll get bored or cold and go home. Again, no danger... minor inconvenience.

 

Personally, I don't mind a thrill ride, bring it on!!

 

 

Maybe danger is too extreme of a word, but personally I don’t find it exciting or thrilling to have to “manage” an adult’s behavior. Yes, people absolutely can have mutually beneficial NSA steamy hot naked time. BUT it’s exhausting, potentially cost draining, and a waste of time to deal with someone you know is going to go off the rails. I don’t want hedge lurkers around my kid, or to get a restraining order because I decided to ignore the flags. I also think it’s unfair to string someone along and then hold their bad behavior against them. I’m not saying that’s what TB is doing, because I think he’s demonstrated he’s trying to do the opposite, but at some point we have to take accountability for ourselves too. If you see the signs, it’s time to cut and run. You can’t take the ostrich approach and then call the other person “crazy.”

 

But, HL - I dig reading your honesty and like that their are people willing to live on the edge!!

[Happy Lemming]

HL says people have - where’s the thread to show how that’s worked out ?

 

I can only speak for myself....

 

I had one "hook up" that turned into a LTR of 5 years and others that lasted just that night and no more. All of them worked out GREAT for me!! No regrets!! No issues or problems...

 

I was extremely nomadic in my youth and didn't want anything permanent, anyway.

[elaine567]

But my guy friends have said that the crazy ones are the hottest

 

Yes, but I was just thinking abut that in view of some of the recent posts.

Some of these girls giving out no holds barred hot sex are often damaged by abuse, childhood or domestic, so it is little wonder that they act "crazy" too.

[Happy Lemming]

Hey Happy Lemming, I think you're probably a much more laid back guy than Trail Blazer

 

But my guy friends have said that the crazy ones are the hottest

 

Oh yes... easy going and laid back.

 

And yes... the crazy ones are the hottest!!

[LenaRea]

It was an analogy in case you missed it. To put it into context, a good relationship would be like driving a car. More conventional, safer and a lot more comfortable to live with every day. Just not nearly as thrilling!

 

Quick clarifying question - what if the car you’re driving is a Mercedes GT convertible? Isn’t possible to have the best of both?

[Trail Blazer]

Do you know how many people die in motorcycle accidents? Wear a helmet, because the crash will come.....

Okay, so... if I did happen to want to extricate myself from this relationship, what would be the best way to go about it? Remembering she doesn't know my last name (I don't think), has no idea where I live except for the suburb, has no idea where I work (currently) and soon, will be totally out of the picture for 3 weeks.

 

I can easily just go AWOL, block her on POF and her cell phone number and she'd never be able to find me. Although, that kind of way isn't in my nature, and also, she lives in the same town as my kids and I am considering moving back there as I no longer need to commute to the city every day, so I can move out to the semi-rural areas as it won't affect my work commute.

 

Does dumping her warrant having to do it face to face? I mean, it's not as though we're in a relationship. This is meaningless sex as far as I'm concerned. She may not see it that way, but it is what it is in reality. Perception is reality as they say, so do I handle it from her reality or my version of reality, which I believe is by far the least distorted?

 

As for her telling me about the patient passing away, would you tell your significant other about it? Or is it considered a breach of professional conduct to discuss it with anyone other than a relevant party/stakeholder? I guess what I'm getting at is, if you'd tell your husband or long-term partner who you trust with all your heart something, is it possible that she has some kind of delusion about this relationship and what I am to her and how trustworthy I am?

 

Factoring in that on the second day we spoke on POF, she said I seem too good to be true and exchanged numbers and from there, litererally wanted too meet up ASAP. I have all the important screenshots saved, mainly for my own peace of mind as well, in case something bites me on the @$$ later on!

 

Oh, and one last thing, you don't have to tell me to wear a helmet when out riding! The same goes for wearing protective clothing! I won't get on a bike without kevlar lined PPE! That's akin to saying, "wear protection when having sex with a random promiscuous woman you meet online and have sex with on the first night." It simply goes without saying!