Mr. Lucky Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 I have a good friend in his 60's who was widowed 18 months ago and asked me to help him with OLD. Didn't turn to his adult children for help as he feels there'd be some hard feelings about his moving on. His only online access is through his phone and his tech skills are low. Having been married for 30+ years, I'm certainly no expert and have more questions than answers. In no particular order - - what should he put in his profile? - are there sites and/or apps catering to folks in his age group? - what are the cautions for a novice (besides don't respond to any Nigerian princesses)? I was actually going to involve one of my adult kids, an OLD veteran, on this but he doesn't know the friend who is very concerned about his privacy. So thanks in advance for any suggestions... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 (edited) OurTime.com is for older peeps. He should say what he's looking for and be honest about it. If he's not looking for marriage, just a nice companion, he needs to say that. Older men and women aren't always all about getting married but it's possible to have a committed relationship with someone they love and who loves them back and be there for each other. When he makes connections, chat for a little while, not a month and then have a phone call and/or arrange a short meet up in person for coffee or a drink or two, maybe appetizers if the meet up is going well. You don't want to spend a lot of time or money on this first meet up. It's just to see if the person looks like their pictures and seem to be who they say they are and if there's enough there to want to go on a real date. You don't want to spend a lot of time chatting on line either and building things up in your head only to be disappointed when you do meet. Attempting to arrange a meet up fairly soon also weeds out the Nigerian Princesses, catfish, etc. They usually will want to stall or make excuses for not meeting, etc. Vet your contacts as best you can. REad carefully and between the lines. IF they ever even mention money, block them and report them to the site. Approach each meet up casually and lightly and just try to enjoy it. No pressure. Edited May 13, 2019 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Lucky Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 OurTime.com is for older peeps. He should say what he's looking for and be honest about it. If he's not looking for marriage, just a nice companion, he needs to say that. Older men and women aren't always all about getting married but it's possible to have a committed relationship with someone they love and who loves them back and be there for each other. Thanks. This is one of his challenges, other than being "lonely" don't think he knows what he wants. And he's very worried about what his kids will think. When he makes connections, chat for a little while, not a month and then have a phone call and/or arrange a short meet up in person for coffee or a drink or two, maybe appetizers if the meet up is going well. And this will be another skill for him to learn. He's not good about returning texts, etc., and I've tried to explain to him these sites are all about communication. My wife finds him to be "quirky", so this will be a test of the theory there's a key to fit every lock... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 Texting is over rated and overused nowadays. It's destroyed the quality and richness of interacting. We're old fashioned. An older woman will likely appreciate phone call more than texting or online interaction. Just a little bit to start then move to phone. If he doesn't know what he wants, he can say so. Just make casual dating his priority right now. If the right one comes along, he will know what he wants for sure. If he meets a woman who clear wants more for herself, he needs to bow out if he doesn't know what he wants. But, in the end, if he doesn't want to push through things and put in a little effort, he's going to be wasting his time anyway. Get him involved in a church or a club or something. I think that's better anyway. As for what his kids think . . . they'll just have to get over it. They don't get to dictate what he does or doesn't do. He's an elder now, he needs to behave and think like one -- a grown adult who has earned the right to do whatever the heck he wants with his senior years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 Tell him to get involved in any local service organizations near him. I know in the local Elks, Moose, etc. near me there are dozens of female widows & few single men. In contrast my husband's VFW & American Legion posts are filled with men & no women. I ask many of these people how come they don't go on sites like Our-Time & they all act like I'm asking them to post their Social Security #s & mothers' maiden names. In his demographic there are way more lovely singles off line then on line. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 For someone like him that’s without a clue, perhaps he can start by reading a book or two (plus lots of articles on the internet) for male dating in his age range 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 (edited) Texting is over rated and overused nowadays. It's destroyed the quality and richness of interacting. We're old fashioned. An older woman will likely appreciate phone call more than texting or online interaction. Just a little bit to start then move to phone. If he doesn't know what he wants, he can say so. Just make casual dating his priority right now. If the right one comes along, he will know what he wants for sure. If he meets a woman who clear wants more for herself, he needs to bow out if he doesn't know what he wants. But, in the end, if he doesn't want to push through things and put in a little effort, he's going to be wasting his time anyway. Get him involved in a church or a club or something. I think that's better anyway. As for what his kids think . . . they'll just have to get over it. They don't get to dictate what he does or doesn't do. He's an elder now, he needs to behave and think like one -- a grown adult who has earned the right to do whatever the heck he wants with his senior years. When/if he supposedly meets 'the right one', the kids should have concern - unless he is a pauper. The world is full of women who would cap onto a man; Then marriage; Then to wangle him into setting up a Life Estate for her. Should he pass, the kids would have to wait for her to die to obtain any monies/property that would rightfully be passed down to them. Sometimes these second/third marriage 'widows' outlive the man's offspring. If he is indeed 'quirky' this could be to his advantage. IMO eighteen months could be considered a long time without being hit on by the 'casserole brigade'. (Single women-friends/neighbors who come to the door with casserole in hand, in hopes of getting something started). Edited May 13, 2019 by UpwardForward Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 When/if he supposedly meets 'the right one', the kids should have concern - unless he is a pauper. It's daddy's money, not his kids' money. He's entitled to spend it any way he wants. Even if he makes bad decisions, they are his decisions to make. The kids are not entitled to anything. I have watched so many of my contemporaries condemn their surviving parents to a life of loneliness because the kids don't want their parents to date. It's mean. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 It's daddy's money, not his kids' money. He's entitled to spend it any way he wants. Even if he makes bad decisions, they are his decisions to make. The kids are not entitled to anything. I have watched so many of my contemporaries condemn their surviving parents to a life of loneliness because the kids don't want their parents to date. It's mean. If - at a time the widower/widow is the most vulnerable and could make a long term mistake, he/she should remain alone. I disagree that offspring are not entitled to 'daddy's money', rather than mama's replacement. The worst mistake I could have made would have been that of re-marrying.. My kids are entitled to family residuals w/o the confusion of a short-term semi-stranger being involved. Too many legalities involved. And a common mistake, especially by men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Lucky Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 My kids are entitled to family residuals w/o the confusion of a short-term semi-stranger being involved. Too many legalities involved. Not sure he has the type of assets worth fighting over. I met him playing tennis, he has a small vacation condo in my area. His main residence is in a small town in the Midwest and his interest in OLD is partly from a desire to limit local gossip back home. For someone like him that’s without a clue, perhaps he can start by reading a book or two (plus lots of articles on the internet) for male dating in his age range Good suggestion. I helped him install a router and get his wifi up and running, based on the that he thinks I'm a tech guru. I may help him with the initial set-up and then go hands-off, as I said before not remotely my area of experience or expertise. I do feel badly for him, he seems a little adrift in the area of companionship, romantic or otherwise. We'll see... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 Mr. Lucky It sounds like you are being a good neighbor to this hapless soul. At least you may get a few good tennis games out of it. If your wife plays maybe there is a set of mixed doubles in your future. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 the two most impt things are picking the proper website and getting good pics of him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 I may help him with the initial set-up and then go hands-off, as I said before not remotely my area of experience or expertise. Many years ago, I helped a woman set up her on-line profile. (I think it was match.com) This was during the days of dial-up modems. So I put a modem in her computer loaded the drivers, etc. I thought I was done, but she wanted me to scan pictures and help her write her profile (which I did). In the end, she did meet a guy, moved in with him (fairly quickly) got pregnant and he threw her out. She then blamed me for putting her on match.com to begin with, so I ended up being the bad guy in this mess. Please warn, double warn, triple warn this gentleman that not everyone on these sites are genuine and some may have nefarious motives for being there. He sounds like he may still be a little raw and vulnerable (ripe for the picking for some scammers). And remember... "No good deed goes unpunished" - Walter Winchell Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 I also think he should join a club or group, it really is a great way to meet new people and make friends. If I ever found myself single again, I'd avoid OLD like the plague, I met so many dodgy people there it was scary! Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted May 14, 2019 Share Posted May 14, 2019 OLD is not for the faint of heart. It's almost like a damn war. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Lucky Posted May 14, 2019 Author Share Posted May 14, 2019 At least you may get a few good tennis games out of it. If your wife plays maybe there is a set of mixed doubles in your future. Thanks. We used to play regularly, unfortunately her knees are so bad (awaiting replacement on left) it's no longer possible. Hoping to get her back out there after surgery and rehab. Please warn, double warn, triple warn this gentleman that not everyone on these sites are genuine and some may have nefarious motives for being there. He sounds like he may still be a little raw and vulnerable (ripe for the picking for some scammers). As suggested, found several good articles with tips and cautionary tales. I'll give them to him when I see him next week... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted May 14, 2019 Share Posted May 14, 2019 I'm 65, so a 'senior' Where I live ourtime SUX - all the good women who are on ourtime are also on match.com as well as many others who are not on ourtime - in addition to the good women and the 'no interest' women, many more romance scammers on ourtime In addition to factors that are probably based on location, mechanically ourtime provides less information about other people, more false positives, and at a higher price. As always, this varies with where you live, but I wouldn't 'phuk ourtime with someone else's dick'. match.com is the only site I can still tolerate, having also tried eharmony, pof, elite, zoosk, okcupid, and bumble. And although 12 of the 19 women I've actually met and dated including the last 11 going back for the last year were all from match, right now even match is not 'working' for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Lucky Posted May 15, 2019 Author Share Posted May 15, 2019 As always, this varies with where you live, but I wouldn't 'phuk ourtime with someone else's dick'. match.com is the only site I can still tolerate, having also tried eharmony, pof, elite, zoosk, okcupid, and bumble. And although 12 of the 19 women I've actually met and dated including the last 11 going back for the last year were all from match, right now even match is not 'working' for me. Appreciate the feedback and will pass on your concerns. I'm really looking to just help him get started, he's then on his own. I'll follow-up with any updates he gives me... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 15, 2019 Share Posted May 15, 2019 OLD attracts lower ends of the humanity. Looking for good people is like looking for a needle in a pile of thrash. If you are unlucky, it can be soul destroying. I do know some people who found their long term partners within a week of setting up a profile. Link to post Share on other sites
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