Babysitting Requests from future daughter in law

[WhooHoo]

Hello:

 

First post. I guess this is a rather simple matter...but hard for me to find best way to handle.

 

My son and his girlfriend have a 7 month old son. I babysit him at my home 2 days a week, and other times when they want to go out, or have counseling/doctors appointments, etc. Love watching him.

 

But now there is a conflict that has arisen between them. He is sole breadwinner, and she has decided to go clean and help out her friends grandmother (for free), one day a week and it is a half hour drive. The grandmother has her daughter and family next door, and many other grandchildren, (grown) nearby.

 

Twice, his girlfriend has texted me to ask if I wanted to come to her house to babysit, (while she she does cleaning for the friends grandmother). I am 66 years old. While I am happy to bend over helping with babysitting that benefits son and girlfriend, I don't want to devote my time to babysitting so she can go clean house for someone else (I feel like I am then sacrificing my time to take care of someone I don't know, while my house sits with work that needs done).

 

I made excuses the last two times. I would like to nicely just tell her I want to watch the baby, but not for this particular situation. But I am afraid of causing conflict.

 

Any advice?

[d0nnivain]

Can you talk to your son privately & discuss your concerns? I think they are valid. You should not be taken advantage of. Would you be OK if the baby mama occasionally cleaned your house too?

[JuneL]

I can totally understand why you want to set boundaries. How did she manage to solve the babysitting problem the two times you turned her down? I assume she’s getting the message if you’ve turned her down enough times.

[WhooHoo]

Appreciate your reply. I haven't said anything to my son. Reason is that they are going to counseling, and relationship is rocky. He gets stressed out if I mention stuff, and then he tends to get frustrated with her. I don't want to cause him, or the relationship, more stress. I feel like I need to keep quiet and handle this myself, however I chose to do that.

 

Sorry, meant to respond to the first person. New to this system.

 

Yes, I am thinking she will probably just figure it out. I told her I was busy cleaning my house and doing laundry today, which is true. Just got back from vacation. Perhaps just making up reasons I am not available, or just not saying "yes" like I always have before, will get message across.

 

I don't want to contribute to helping her with this, also, because my son isn't on board with her traveling, and volunteering, when he thinks it is unnecessary. Now, she is taking the baby, or finding someone else to watch him. She works for a couple of hours cleaning over at the grandmothers house.

Edited May 13, 2019 by WhooHoo

[d0nnivain]

Just keep saying you are sorry but can't accommodate her. If there are all these other people at grandma's house why can't the baby go with her. Even if grandma is not physically able to clean with the baby mamma in the house she should be OK to just keep an eye on the baby & call for the mother when the baby needs help.

[JuneL]

Did they compensate you in any way for babysitting two days per week regularly?

[WhooHoo]

Just keep saying you are sorry but can't accommodate her. If there are all these other people at grandma's house why can't the baby go with her. Even if grandma is not physically able to clean with the baby mamma in the house she should be OK to just keep an eye on the baby & call for the mother when the baby needs help.

 

Yes..sounds like a plan.

[WhooHoo]

Did they compensate you in any way for babysitting two days per week regularly?

 

No. I am not compensated. But I don't wish to be. They usually bring baby over Monday evening at bedtime, I keep him overnight till 2:30 the nest day. Same deal with Thursday evening.

 

I am financially in good shape, own rental properties for income. So, I just want to help them out. Just want to not be asked to babysit for her doing a friend a favor. That's too much of a stretch for me.

[Rockdad]

If you don't pump the breaks on this now as you seem to be the go-to person it could grow into even more should she need to start working herself.

[JuneL]

No. I am not compensated. But I don't wish to be. They usually bring baby over Monday evening at bedtime, I keep him overnight till 2:30 the nest day. Same deal with Thursday evening.

 

I am financially in good shape, own rental properties for income. So, I just want to help them out. Just want to not be asked to babysit for her doing a friend a favor. That's too much of a stretch for me.

 

Unfortunately I don’t believe their not compensating you has anything to do with your good financial situation. It’s about their entitled attitude. At the very least, they should do things to show their gratitude and appreciation, instead of taking your great help for granted, as much as you love having your grandson.

[Art_Critic]

This is your Grandson ?

 

I'd be all over that, I'm 10 years younger than you but if in my future my now young son was in the same position I would welcome any time I could spend with my Grandson, happily...

 

I get you don't want to be "the baby sitter" and I wouldn't either but anytime spent with a Grandson would be special to me...

 

My guess is she is looking at it this way too, if they were married would you feel differently ?

 

also, you would be not only doing her a favor but your son as well...

 

Maybe accept it but lay down the rules and issue your boundary's...

[Art_Critic]

No. I am not compensated. But I don't wish to be. They usually bring baby over Monday evening at bedtime, I keep him overnight till 2:30 the nest day. Same deal with Thursday evening.

 

 

BTW, ignore most of my previous reply.. I see the picture now

 

 

ahhh... so it seems they are asking too much of you.. just say with all the sitting you already do that any more is just too much...

[Whodatdog]

I think you are doing a good job in setting your boundaries. You are under no obligation to babysit whenever she asks. In this case, I dont think you need to be as specific as to tell them why you dont want to. I think just a simple "Im sorry I can't" should be enough. That way there wont be any hard feelings on either side.

 

Set your boundaries.

[JuneL]

Since she has a couple of mostly free days per week (when the baby is with you), she should work her schedule around those days. I think it wouldn’t be as rude if she had picked one of those free days to help others. I have a friend who used to be like that. She would be “helping” her own friends by taking advantage of her own family big time. She liked to be seen as a nice person to her friends, at the huge expense of her own family.

Edited May 13, 2019 by JuneL

[WhooHoo]

If you don't pump the breaks on this now as you seem to be the go-to person it could grow into even more should she need to start working herself.

 

Yes, you are right. I am willing to consider watching him more, if it is for something constructive, like her going to school to get a better job!

[WhooHoo]

Since she has a couple of mostly free days per week (when the baby is with you), she should work her schedule around those days. I think it wouldn’t be as rude if she had picked one of those free days to help others. I have a friend who used to be like that. She would be “helping” her own friends by taking advantage of her own family big time. She liked to be seen as a nice person to her friends, at the huge expense of her own family.

 

That is a very interesting post. When I watch the baby for those two days, she is at work from 6 am to 2PM. So it is for work days tho, not free days.

 

But, yes, I think that she had huge needs to be loved by her friends family. More than seems logical to me. And yes, seems like that could come at the expense of others. Good point

[WhooHoo]

I think you are doing a good job in setting your boundaries. You are under no obligation to babysit whenever she asks. In this case, I dont think you need to be as specific as to tell them why you dont want to. I think just a simple "Im sorry I can't" should be enough. That way there wont be any hard feelings on either side.

 

Set your boundaries.

 

Yes, thanks. BTW, it is just babies mom asking me, not my son! I am sure he doesn't know that she is. I appreciate so much all the great feedback. It helps me know I am okay in what I am feeling. And how to navigate it without causing family issues or hard feelings.

[JuneL]

I think you are doing a good job in setting your boundaries. You are under no obligation to babysit whenever she asks. In this case, I dont think you need to be as specific as to tell them why you dont want to. I think just a simple "Im sorry I can't" should be enough. That way there wont be any hard feelings on either side.

 

Set your boundaries.

 

I really like the “I’m sorry I can’t” response. Indeed, no explanation is needed in this situation.

[Sunlight72]

Yes, you are right. I am willing to consider watching him more, if it is for something constructive, like her going to school to get a better job!

That is generous of you, and if I were you I would keep that to myself until your son & almost-daughter-in-law start seriously talking about schooling. You could say nothing further, or you could say you really enjoy the two days/nights each week, and now that you've done that a while you realize that is the most you can offer.

 

Best Wishes,

and congratulations on the grand baby

[Mr. Lucky]

That's too much of a stretch for me.

 

Had a similar situation with my son and DIL, who like to travel. Love my grandkids to death, but wife and I were using every available vacation day, often on short notice, to fly there and provide childcare. Finally had to tell them, outside of our regular visits, can do one week a year.

 

Knowing how you feel about your grandson, I'd guess the GF rationalizes she's providing you with time together, circumstances aside. And while that may be true (as it is for us), it has to work for you also. Don't be shy about speaking up and maintaining a comfort level...

 

Mr. Lucky

[major_merrick]

Why can't the girlfriend take her baby with her when she goes to help out? It isn't like she's going to a public place, just someone else's house. My daughter is 7 months old and beginning to crawl. I've got a portable pen that I call the "kid container." Works like a charm. Not exactly hard to keep a crawling baby in a fixed area when there's work to do. Kids don't need constant attention, just an adult in the general vicinity when they're awake so they don't get hurt.

 

Also, couldn't the elderly recipient of the house cleaning keep a watchful eye on the child while her house is being cleaned? Seems like a fair exchange to me! And another logical question - if this lady has a daughter next door and other family nearby, why aren't they doing this work? If I was that daughter, I'd be ashamed! Similar to those who've suggested, "Sorry, but I can't" you can also use "I'd really like to, but I have X going on and Y at such-and-such time" to be more specific if necessary.

Edited May 17, 2019 by major_merrick

[Dandelioness]

Are you only able to help out twice per week unless something else important comes up (Dr. app, job interview, etc)?

 

I'm curious to know why it matters what she (or they) is doing in order for you to decide whether or not you'll accept? To me, it sounds a bit controlling.

 

If it's a boundary issue, I'd make it clear that you'll only be willing to babysit twice per week and if a medical appointment came up additionally, you'll help out as well (for example).

 

They are family to you so I agree to arrange 'time' of what's most comfortable to you. I don't agree to decide based on 'what' they're doing. It's a bit judgmental.

 

Maybe this volunteer gig supports her mental well-being. It really doesn't matter though. She's family. I'd want my daughter-in-law to be happy.

 

So, of this is strictly about over-extending yourself (period) then I'd just be honest with the amount of days/hours you're willing to help them out with.. and leave it at that.

[Miss Clavel]

she spends 40 hours a week away from her baby? two over nights and 4 or more hours cleaning someone's house that has relatives nearby that could do it?

 

that seems like to much time away.

 

yes i understand that if she were working/earning she'd be away 40 hours a week. but the baby would be with a day care worker that knows him and he would have a routine set. also he would be learning to socialize with other kids his same age.

 

however, i might do the babysitting while the mom is out cleaning a friends granny's house, just so i could keep a record of dates and times, against the day that the "stress" the parents are under leads to a separation.

 

then i'd try for custody.

 

but, when i call a babysitter, whom i pay, i don't necessarily have to explain to them what im doing or where i'm going or who i'm with. i leave a number and a location in case of emergency.

 

this seems to be about the fact that she's helping someone else and your judgement that someone else should be doing it.

 

i have way more then one person in my house and we don't spend all those hours cleaning. maybe it was a case of giving the place a "deep cleaning" and then just "keeping up"? which her family that is nearby could do.

 

we hire a maid every 4 months or so to do "deep cleaning" or "projects". like all the windows and blinds or the oven, fridge and baseboards. however, we all work full time or go to school. plus, we're lazy.

 

it's up to you. if you don't want to reveal you feel she's using you to benefit another then don't.

 

just keep telling her your're busy.

[preraph]

You know, there is nothing wrong with telling her just no. Tell her, No, that's too many times a week for me. No excuses. Say, No, thanks. The less you tell her, the less she can argue back.

[Mr. Lucky]

You know, there is nothing wrong with telling her just no.

 

I have a number of "couple" friends where the wives, in their 50's and 60's, are uncomfortably providing free daycare to grandkids while Mom and Dad pursue other objectives, whether financial or lifestyle. They don't want to do it, or at least as much as they do, but are afraid to say "no", don't want to be seen as the bad guy.

 

Anyone in that position has only themselves to blame...

 

Mr. Lucky