Leinad92 Posted May 14, 2019 Share Posted May 14, 2019 (edited) Using my friend's account as she doesn't use it anymore. Hey everyone. So I'm in a weird position and I don't know what to do. I'm a female in my 20's in an open relationship with a guy we'll call Larry for the past four years, it's actually not very serious and isn't the main reason I'm on here. We've been together for a while, barely ever see each other as we live in completely different cities and I guess maybe see each other a handful of times a year. We both want different things and know it's not going anywhere and it suits us fine. I do love him in a certain way and it'll end when it ends and I'm happy with that as we both know we'll stay friends. Now, my problem. So I started sleeping with a close male friend we'll call Don about this time last year. We've known each other for many years and he's always been a good friend. Very good looking, the coolest guy I know and was very popular with other girls but he's matured over the years and I know he has little interest in dating nowadays, especially after his last two long time relationships where he was cheated on. He's a great guy and I've had a crush on him for years. After a couple of months sleeping together, I started to develop feelings and realised I'd fall in love with him. Everything about him from his amazing personality to his generosity to the amazing sex. He confirmed he'd fallen for me as well and we started seeing each other. Every moment I spent with him was amazing and it's probably the happiest I've been in years. He was aware of my open relationship with Larry and was okay with it at first. Later down the line as things became more serious last year and we actually started to talk about the prospect of a future between us, as I expected he brought up Larry. I explained it's gonna be a transition but I'll end it in June of this year as I didn't want to completely end things with Larry at the drop of a hat. I know that's a very specific date but it makes sense with my studies ending and prior plans I'd made with Larry. Don was completely okay with this. Larry knows about Don and is fine with it. However, things began to get a tad confusing when Don would randomly and uncharacteristically get a tad bent out of shape about the situation. We shook it off and he contributed it to jealousy and I reassured him he was the one I wanted to be with but I just need time to shed the relationship as it has been a part of my life for four years. Eventually, Don started to get more jealous every now and then. We started bickering more and more. I still love him but it was really becoming exhausting when he would accuse me of not wanting to end the relationship with Larry. I know it's all out of fear of him being cheated on again and he's not a paranoid or jealous person and I explained it was a different situation but every few weeks it would pop back up. Back in February, things just got a bit too much so I told Don straight up how I was feeling and maybe it was best we end things for now and it's not really healthy for us right now. I still love him to pieces but I don't want us to ruin what we had and especially our friendship. He was a bit beaten up about it but understood. We agreed we'd stay friends and still hang out just as much. Now here's my problem. I made the stupid mistake of thinking it would be a good idea to carry on sleeping with Don. Since we ended things he's been back to normal and I guess I gave into my urges and thought it was a good idea. However, after about a month I realised that we were falling into old routines and started arguing about stupid, stupid little things we've never argued about before. We'd both rub each other the wrong way and end up bickering. While the fault is partly mine because I have ended up sleeping with him every now and then and he has tried to put it off, we've agreed that we're not gonna do it anymore. Since then, Don has occasionally gotten bitter about Larry as he knows I'm not ending things with him anymore and I really don't see a future with Don right now. He needs to get over his jealousy and I don't blame him for it but he does get upset as he feels I've "chosen someone else over him" which isn't true. I haven't chosen Larry over him, mine and Larry's relationship is open and it's easy but Don can't get over the feeling of rejection. I still love him and he's perfect in every way other than this. I still want to be friends with him and really don't want to lose our friendship as he's been a very important part of my life for the past 9 or 10 years. He agrees and doesn't want to end the friendship and he's been amazing in helping me through my studies the last few months, listening to me stress over the phone to him about my career and he's really such a great guy juggling his job and fundraising (seriously, who the hell does all that?) but he's still bitter and I don't know if it's the best thing for him right now. I don't want to upset him and definitely don't want him to blame himself. Heck, I'm a mess and can't really give him what he wants in a relationship right now. Don't blame him for his jealousy as it's my fault but at the end of the day I did tell him I would end things with Larry. My question is, do I try to keep our friendship? We had an argument on Friday night about a misunderstanding and instead of prolonging it, we've actually just ignored it and messaged every day since and it's been lovely so at least we're still talking. Edited May 14, 2019 by Leinad92 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 14, 2019 Share Posted May 14, 2019 I haven't chosen Larry over him, mine and Larry's relationship is open and it's easy but Don can't get over the feeling of rejection. I still love him and he's perfect in every way other than this. You have a lot to learn about people in general and men in particular. Regardless of what they say, few people interested in a serious relationship would be OK with your side arrangement. You became selfish and entitled and are now paying the price with the resulting mess. I'd let Don dictate the level of communication he's comfortable with... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 14, 2019 Share Posted May 14, 2019 You can try to keep some kind of a friendship but I can't see why Don would want such a thing. He wanted you to be his exclusive GF but you put Larry's needs ahead of his. You hurt Don's feelings & bruised his ego. You are not good for him. You claim that you didn't pick Larry over him but that is exactly what you did; you just refuse to see that. You are 20 years old & you characterize this 4 year sex when it's convenient thing you have going on with Larry as an "open relationship." That breaks my heart. No 16 year old should have a clue what something like that is. Sex without love or at least romantic feelings & respect is a horrible concept for a teenage girl to endure. I fear the amount of emotional damage this has done to you that you don't even realize. You think sex with Larry is easy. It's actually shredding your soul & making you incapable of forming lasting bonds with people. That is part of why you are so terrified of committing to Don. With another nod to your young age you also don't realize that at some point you have to let go of people. Don may be one of those people. Just because you want him in your life doesn't mean he wants to stay there being your friend & watching you make mistake after mistake with Larry & whoever else comes after Larry. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 14, 2019 Share Posted May 14, 2019 I think due to what happened Don is now what you might call an "orbiter" ex. Sadly, if you maintain a friendship with him, he's likely to feel jealous of whomever you date next - and possibly will interfere or at least generate some unnecessary drama. It sounds like you are living and learning and one thing one learns is that it takes a genuinely great deal of emotional maturity to maintain friendship as exes, particularly when the next romantic interest shows up. It sounds like Don's not there yet. I'm not sure I agree with the wise Dalmatian above about your approach to things being emotionally damaging for you. However, you should be aware that different people are "wired" very differently and so you shouldn't be surprised at intense jealousy etc in relationships. Even if you're not seeing the reason for it right now, if things become at all serious and there's a 3rd party involved - well, that's a MAJOR risk of mucking things up. With pair bonding comes "romantic jealousy" for most. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leinad92 Posted May 14, 2019 Author Share Posted May 14, 2019 (edited) Hey, thanks or the reply. I get what you're saying but I don't really think he's orbiting. I'm kind of the one who's pushed for the friendship, not saying that he didn't want it but his initial reaction was that maybe we should give each other space and I kept pushing things as I was terrified if I didn't act quick then I'd lose the friendship. I do think I should've respected his wishes and given him space and I've just complicated things now. He's not a dramatic person tbh and like I said, we've been hanging out the past two months since I called it off, which includes with our mutual friends. From what I can tell, he hasn't spoken to anyone about it other than to say we're not dating anymore and moved on. He's actually been pretty great about the whole thing for the most part. He's not petty nor vindictive, he's only really expressed regret we couldn't make it work and moves on. I feel terrible about how I've made him feel, I'm not a soulless person and I know I've hurt him which really wasn't my intention. He knows and understands that which is why I want to keep this friendship because he's not prone to creating drama and has been maintaining the boundaries which I've admittedly crossed. The arguing and stuff only comes about when I mention Larry. His mood shifts and he just seems annoyed and I guess I push him and it turns into an argument. It's literally the same argument every time and I understand that he's hurt but it's really not what he thinks it is. He'd probably be fine if I had dumped Larry and moved on to someone else, I do think it's just a case that he feels betrayed. I don't know if that makes sense? Also, quick edit. There is in no way going to be a third party. I should've clarified. The past four years I haven't been with anyone other than Larry and for the most part I haven't even been sleeping with Larry when I have seen him. Don was the exception because of our shared history and the way I've always felt about him. Edited May 14, 2019 by Leinad92 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leinad92 Posted May 14, 2019 Author Share Posted May 14, 2019 (edited) For the record I'm 27, not 20. Edited May 14, 2019 by Leinad92 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 14, 2019 Share Posted May 14, 2019 I should've clarified. The past four years I haven't been with anyone other than Larry and for the most part I haven't even been sleeping with Larry when I have seen him. Don was the exception because of our shared history and the way I've always felt about him. OP, you seem to always give yourself more latitude than a partner would normally grant. So I started sleeping with a close male friend we'll call Don about this time last year. If you were honest with yourself, the above statement would read "for the last year, I've been sleeping with both Don and Larry". You only get to claim the high ground if your actions actually warrant you being there ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leinad92 Posted May 14, 2019 Author Share Posted May 14, 2019 I haven't been sleeping with Larry since I've been with Don. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 14, 2019 Share Posted May 14, 2019 I didn't get that from your post and I doubt "Don" believes it either. Regardless, he's an ex-partner and it's a little unrealistic to think you can keep both... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 14, 2019 Share Posted May 14, 2019 (edited) Regardless, he's an ex-partner and it's a little unrealistic to think you can keep both... More than a little unrealistic... OP, I would agree with Mr Lucky that you have a lot to learn about men... not too many men I know who would be ok with sharing their woman with another man - not even as a “friend” and especially if they have a shared past sexual history. Edited May 15, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 Be honest to both - you want both men in your life. Give the choice to them to either want to still keep seeing you, or not. What you're doing is manipulation. You keep the power for yourself by only giving the information that's relevant to your own benefit - and to the detriment of theirs. If you are honest about wanting them both and making that decision - you are no longer being manipulative. You are being forthright. It is up to them to choose what they want then, and if they get upset about what they get after being given that choice, they have no one else to blame but themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted May 21, 2019 Share Posted May 21, 2019 well ya things are gunna go to **** with Don if you keep Larry around...... Link to post Share on other sites
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