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Best friend determined to meet (mean) man who is in LTR


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Apologies if this thread will be long. I am very very worried about my best friend. This is a rollercoaster of a read, be prepared.

 

She started talking to a man sometime in early/mid last year I believe. Very handsome by his pics, had a lot in common with her apparently. Portrayed himself as totally single, child free, ready for a serious relationship. She seemed excited about him. Said they talked for hours and hours. I asked why they haven't met, she said they never found the time yet, one or both were too busy. They talked for a couple months like this, which personally baffled me. But she was happy.

 

August last year she calls me upset. Says a woman called her from his phone saying he had suddenly died in a freak accident. She was upset she never got to meet him, even asked if she could go to his funeral to pay her respects. She never got back to her and blocked her from a messaging app. His "death" even motivated her to visit the country which is his heritage. They both have Hispanic heritage and bonded a lot over that. She did carry on dating other men, but it did hit her that he was "dead", the fact that he wasn't even 30 yet made me feel sad for him and his loved ones too.

 

Fast forward to Friday night. We are having drinks at my place, she all of a sudden gasps and looks white as a ghost. I ask her what's wrong, she says she has a message on the dating app from (I'll call him R) we are both like huh??? The message says he needs to explain. Then he sends a long message admitting that he had a girlfriend all along, and she later finds out a toddler daughter. That she found their messages and he had to go ghost. Or in his words "couldn't contact you until sht died down, cause she was monitoring me" NINE MONTHS it took him to inform her he's alive.

 

He says his cousin took his phone and made up the terrible lie so that he will never "go back" to her again. He tells her how he's sooo sorry, missed her so much, thought about her all the time, knows he's a terrible person, knows she won't want to talk to him again. Her reply? Well she tells him how could he do this to her etc. But also that she needs to see him RIGHT NOW to talk. And she's sitting next to me crying, while we are reading these messages together. I ask her what is she thinking??? He says he can't for obvious reasons.

 

Since then they have continued chatting. When I talk to her she's up and down, she's shocked, sad, angry, happy etc. The worst is that she's been dating a guy for a few weeks and he seems really nice, no red flags so far. But guess what? Since he came back from the dead, she's lost her desire for him. She keeps reminding me she needs to see R, I keep reminding her he has a long term girlfriend and a child. She assures me he's not looking just for sex, he told her he could get that anytime but he's never cheated, he's not in love with the girlfriend and won't be with her forever, but is there for the child. That his feelings for my friend are real. She tells me she would NEVER have sex with him while he has a girlfriend. I believed t at first but...

 

She then admits to me, he told her if they were in a situation where they are alone and something could happen, that he wouldn't stop it. But she is STILL willing to meet him. "I would NEVER have sex with him while he has a girlfriend" He also got ANGRY when she told him she was dating someone else, but that she didn't want to see him anymore. He called her a B*TCH, h*e, told her to F off, shut up. The lying man in a long term relationship was verbally abusing her for dating while he was "dead"!!! I told her she needs to block him right now. I thought we had a breakthrough cause she tells me they said their sweet goodbyes, I'll miss yous, and she says she knows she needs to leave him alone as she feels guilty for his girlfriend.

 

But THEN today I see her and she's extra HAPPY. We are talking about something totally unrelated and she says "yeah R likes that song too" with a big grin on her face. I ask her if they are chatting again. She says "don't kill me but..." and tells me about a whole day/night he has planned for them on Friday. Where they will have dinner, dance, and a HOTEL ROOM. She says "he said with separate beds" she is going to call in sick and everything for this "man" I honestly at that point just shook my head and changed the subject. But now I am seriously worried. I text her "please don't meet him, this is headed for disaster, you can do so much better" she replied "I need to see him just this one time, sorry, I need to look into his eyes and understand this all"

 

Am I overreacting? Will she really be able to resist being physical with him? What if he's DANGEROUS? Am I wrong that they are totally heading into an affair? And what can I do to convince her not to go? I'm baffled, this is a woman in her late 20's who is seriously beautiful inside and out. Who has single men peruse her. I don't understand it. It's actually mentally draining ME.

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She’s never met this guy, right? We already know he’s a liar, which would be enough for me. If she thinks he’s getting a hotel room with separate beds so they won’t have sex, she’s pretty naive. He’s probably catfishing her to boot. He’s probably married (best case scenario) or he’s a psycho (even worse.) she should steer clear, but since she’s an adult, you cannot make her do the reasonable thing. Maybe have her put a tracker on her phone and tell you what hotel they are meeting at, for her safety. Even if he’s telling the truth, clearly his "girlfriend" knows. How would your friend feel about it if his SO starts making problems for her? I wouldn't touch that guy with a ten foot pole.

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No they haven't met yet. Thanks for the phone tracker suggestion, I will ask her about that. His girlfriend definitely doesn't know they are even talking again. I wish she just wouldn't go. Cause even if he's not psycho, how is this going to end well? I agree the separate beds is so naive. I don't like to think like this about my friend, but I'm now wondering if she just wants it to happen really anyway. :rolleyes:

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Perhaps you could travel with your friend,

 

she makes it clear to the guy that she will be sharing with you, see how or if he reacts,

 

you can support her and give a second opinion,

 

I suspect it will be hard to talk her out of going ahead with the meet-up but yes caution would be advised on this.

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It's her life & she's allowed to screw it up if she likes. Ask her out of respect for you not to talk about this cheating louse in your presence (you can't call him that). Let her do as she pleases. You stay out of it. When she gets her heart broken you support her because she's your friend & you care about her even when she makes stupid mistakes.

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Unfortunately I won't be able to travel with her, as I have responsibilities. But it would be interesting how he would react if she suggested it.

 

She will definitely get her heart broken. If he didn't leave the girlfriend when he got caught, I doubt he will. The girlfriend obviously didn't want him to leave either. I don't know what she thinks is happening if not an affair.

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For safety's sake if you can stomach it, ask her to contact you to confirm she arrived safely.

 

She's not thinking clearly. She's too caught up in the grand "romance" of it all, her handsome prince, "back from the dead" who must care about her so much that he's still chasing her. What she doesn't realize is that from his perspective she has "EASY" stamped across her forehead.

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Your friend is an idiot, and she's liable to end up hurt by the sound of the people watching out for his baby mama. And honestly, he's probably married or as good as married and he'll likely stay with her forever.

 

I think you should tell your friend she's an idiot. That's what I'd do if she was a good enough friend that I couldn't just walk away and write her off as a person I didn't want in my life anymore.

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The Outlaw

There's really nothing more you can do for her, since everything you've told her has fallen on deaf ears. She's just going to have to see for herself that this guy isn't any good. The lying and name calling should have been enough of a put off for her. The guy's a professional d*****bag.

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I'd be quite concerned. I hope his girlfriend doesn't follow him to wherever your foolish friend is meeting him, because that's going to be ugly.

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Orokotikki

Seriously though, by associating with her as a friend as she continues with this, you are literally condoning these actions, and it will over time erode your own character more than likely, at a very minimum your perceived character.

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If this is the 1st time she does something like this, it's a learning experience. Kind of like the kid who has to get burned before understanding that the stove is hot. She needs to be kicked in the teeth & get her heart broken to learn. Hopefully that will be the worst that happens. Anyway for one mistake -- even a gargantuan one that you see coming -- be supportive when it all comes crashing down. Be a good friend & comfort her. Being there for her after the fact is not you condoning the behavior. If you see a pattern -- she always goes after taken inappropriate men -- then you can question her judgment & revisit the friendship. For now you are just a bystander watching the oncoming train wreck in slow motion.

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