Fiance acting shady..or am I just paranoid?

[Curly_locks]

We are 25 and 29, been together 7 years, have a 2yo daughter. We have a really good relationship. Of course like every couple we have our differences, but for the most part we are good. We have sex a bit less since I was pregnant. But we still have it about once a week on average. It's not boring either, we both know what each other like and as far as I'm concerned it's a good sex life. He has joked he wish we could have it every day again, but that he understands.

 

People say I am beautiful, and I know I am attractive but. He is extremely good looking, like in the top percentage for men. This has always made me a little insecure. Women are so often double looking and checking him out. My jealousy was worse at the start of the relationship, and I grew to trust him and just get used to the looks. He always says it's only me he wants etc. So jealousy hasn't been an issue for a long time, until now. And I guess I'm not sure if this is my imagination, or if I should really be concerned. I don't want to ask him about all this, so that I don't look like I don't trust him.

 

In the past 2(around about) weeks I have noticed:

 

He has been playing/typing on his phone A LOT more. The worst is that when I am snuggled up close to him, he isn't on there much at all . But when I am busy around the house etc. He is. I've said nothing about this.

 

I woke up in the middle of the night, and he is beside me on his phone. NOT like him. It was around 2 in the morning, and he had work later. I did ask him why he's not asleep. He said "I got a text from a wrong number it woke me up" I left it there. And he has been tired lately, I'm wondering if he's been awake on other nights too. And why.

 

He wanted another baby just a couple of months ago. He asked me. I said maybe we could try soon . But yesterday , I asked if he wanted to start trying. He said "maybe they should have a larger age gap, I think we should wait" I asked what changed his mind so quick. He said "I don't know, it's a big decision" it doesn't make sense because he is the one who had his heart set on it.

 

There's been times where I feel like he's sad and grumpy. I've asked if everything is ok, he says he is fine. I also feel like he's mentally "elsewhere" if that makes sense. Like in a daze or something. He knows I'm always here for him if he's going through something.

 

I asked my best friend today what she thinks. We are like sisters and I trust her not to gossip. She says it does sound off and unlike him. I decided to get some outside opinions and advice.

[Orokotikki]

The phone behavior is alarming. Be quiet about it and check into it.

[FMW]

What you describe could be completely innocent and he could be telling you the truth about it when you ask. It's hard to say with just that to go on.

 

You say you have always been jealous, but have you been suspicious of him before? Most of the time I think we should trust our gut instincts - if you're feeling something is off then it probably is. But you probably need to keep it to yourself for now and just keep your eyes open.

[Curly_locks]

The phone behavior is alarming. Be quiet about it and check into it.

 

 

How would I do this?

[Curly_locks]

What you describe could be completely innocent and he could be telling you the truth about it when you ask. It's hard to say with just that to go on.

 

You say you have always been jealous, but have you been suspicious of him before? Most of the time I think we should trust our gut instincts - if you're feeling something is off then it probably is. But you probably need to keep it to yourself for now and just keep your eyes open.

 

I hope sooo much that it's innocent. I've been jealous because of the attention he gets from women. As I got to know him more I trusted him. Therefore although I get the jealous feeling when I see women checking it out, it hasn't been a real issue in our relationship for years. I've never believed he would cheat. I still don't 100% believe he would cheat. But he is acting different. I am worried.

[Guildford]

I am retired and I was not raised on all this communication technology. But I do know that if you are engaged (and already have a child) there should not be any secrets between you, and you should be able to swap iPhones at any time. If you don't have this open communication, you should reconsider having another child with this man and getting married to him.

 

Also, you should sleep with the iPhone in a separate room so that you can get a good night's sleep. My wife's tablet is plugged in next to my side of the bed and it disturbs my sleep when it 'beeps' and lights up at various times of the night. The bedroom should be reserved for two activities, and texting your girlfriend is not one of them.

[Mr. Lucky]

How would I do this?

 

It can be as simple as looking at the paper cell phone bill or going online and looking at the call history. If you see multiple, lengthy calls or numerous texts to an unfamiliar number, time to raise the alert level.

 

You can also look at his phone while he's in the shower or bathroom. Screenshot the recent calls/texts and send to yourself. If caught, just tell him you're looking something up and didn't have your phone.

 

Another approach is to intentionally run your battery down and ask to use his phone. His reaction will be telling. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

. I've asked if everything is ok, he says he is fine. I also feel like he's mentally "elsewhere" if that makes sense. Like in a daze or something. He knows I'm always here for him if he's going through something.

 

 

This MAY be nothing or just some work stress etc. So, not to sound the alarm prematurely. That said, I had an EA and actually this could have described me during parts of it.

 

If he starts crying a little bit for no apparent reason that's actually a possible sign of that too (longing for EA partner due to limerence once it gets really bad).

 

Not saying that is what it is, but your gut sense yellow flag aligns to where I was emotionally about a year ago.

 

Suggest you keep quiet but keep your eyes open for any further signs. Consider looking at his texts as suggested, just to satisfy yourself there's nothing.

[darkbloom]

I was the OW to an engaged man and the phone behavior you describe is similar to what mine did to his fiancé. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheating, but it could be a sign that you need to dig deeper to see what’s going on.

 

Check the paper phone bill. Or credit card statements. If he’s going to expensive restaurants without you, buying expensive items you don’t see etc they could be for someone else.

 

The red flags of cheating are always there you just need to look for them. Get all of your evidence and ducks in a row before you confront him. Don’t let him know you’re suspicious until you have all the facts.

 

If your wedding date is close, time is of the essence.

[Curly_locks]

It can be as simple as looking at the paper cell phone bill or going online and looking at the call history. If you see multiple, lengthy calls or numerous texts to an unfamiliar number, time to raise the alert level.

 

You can also look at his phone while he's in the shower or bathroom. Screenshot the recent calls/texts and send to yourself. If caught, just tell him you're looking something up and didn't have your phone.

 

Another approach is to intentionally run your battery down and ask to use his phone. His reaction will be telling. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks for your good ideas. He it's a PAYG phone, so I don't think there's any traces of calls etc. unless on the actual phone? I do have access to his phone, it's just it's usually in his pocket or hand! I really like the last idea. I'm wondering if it's worth trying first?

 

This MAY be nothing or just some work stress etc. So, not to sound the alarm prematurely. That said, I had an EA and actually this could have described me during parts of it.

 

If he starts crying a little bit for no apparent reason that's actually a possible sign of that too (longing for EA partner due to limerence once it gets really bad).

 

Not saying that is what it is, but your gut sense yellow flag aligns to where I was emotionally about a year ago.

 

Suggest you keep quiet but keep your eyes open for any further signs. Consider looking at his texts as suggested, just to satisfy yourself there's nothing.

 

He has a very stressful job. He hears about and has to deal with some really shi**t things and people. Some people even get PTSD from the job. Maybe something new is going on there. But why he isn't talking about it to me, I don't know. He hasn't been crying, but he's definitely seems sad, distant and grumpy at times. Like this morning before work he was VERY grumpy. And he seems so tired.

 

I was the OW to an engaged man and the phone behavior you describe is similar to what mine did to his fiancé. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheating, but it could be a sign that you need to dig deeper to see what’s going on.

 

Check the paper phone bill. Or credit card statements. If he’s going to expensive restaurants without you, buying expensive items you don’t see etc they could be for someone else.

 

The red flags of cheating are always there you just need to look for them. Get all of your evidence and ducks in a row before you confront him. Don’t let him know you’re suspicious until you have all the facts.

 

If your wedding date is close, time is of the essence.

 

OW means other woman right? His activities minus the phone hasn't changed. No staying out later, change in apparence etc. I guess that's a good sign. Our wedding is in September.

 

I need to see this damn phone. See what has got his attention. I'm trying to work out the best way and time to look. I feel really bad that I'm probably just paranoid. But I NEED to know, it's driving me crazy.

I also am trying to work out who he would even cheat with. He works with pretty much all men. The two women at his work, he wouldn't be interested in a million years. Maybe someone in the gym? Ugh. I've read a bit around this forums, everything says to act like normal for now. That's what I'm trying to do but it's so tough.

[40somethingGuy]

Can you get a PI to watch him especially at the gym? Good looking due around fit women could be recipe for infidelity. Or would you be able to stalk the parking lot to see if he walks out with someone else in a suggestive way? Walking her to her car, kissing, hand holding etc. Is he taking her to a bar after the gym before he goes home? Work is the hardest way to prove but the gym is more likely in your case. I hate to say it but changing phone habits is the biggest flag. I know from my WW's experience. It was a giveaway but she denied until I found proof. Cheaters can't wait to reply and can only go to the bathroom so often! Is he more typically than not in a different room than what was the norm? Does he have the phone right next to him when he showers?

[pepperbird]

It could just be me, but if a marriage reaches a point where a spouse is considering installing VARs , checking phone logs, checking emails, etc. ( and some of these are illegal, even if it is your spouse) , then they may well be a waste of time anyway. Even if you find nothing, would it really make you feel better, or would that seed of doubt still be there?

 

 

 

 

op, you have a feeling in your gut for a reason. follow your instincts. I know it's not a popular response, but instead of sneaking around behind his back ( and driving yourself crazy in the process) trying to get evidence, I wold sit him down and talk to him. Sure, he might lie to you, but you seem like a smart woman and you'll likley spot that a mile away. Give him a chance to give his side of the story, and if you still have suspicions, then go full steam ahead with checking up on him.

[darkbloom]

I don’t necessarily agree with having a conversation first. If he IS cheating, he will go deeper underground and do everything to hide the signs. You don’t need to go radical with it IMO, just look for the signs that are already there.

 

 

I’ve been on both sides of the coin-being cheated on and being the OW. My advice is the same.

[pepperbird]

I don’t necessarily agree with having a conversation first. If he IS cheating, he will go deeper underground and do everything to hide the signs. You don’t need to go radical with it IMO, just look for the signs that are already there.

 

 

.

 

 

you could be right. It's just that if a husband or wife feels like they have reached a point where they have to become ad hoc PIs, what's the point?

[Orokotikki]

PB, the point is try to head off an affair if one is there.

If there isn't a third party involved, alot of traditional marriage repair efforts can be effective, but almost all of those will be abused by the wayward spouse if there is a third party involved and will hurt the loyal spouse.

You need some really tough love to fight an affair (if thats what you choose to do), but if the problem is not an affair, a different tact might be more appropriate.

 

For example in the case of an affair, it would be prudent to meet with a lawyer and expose the affair immediately, but in a different circumstance, meeting with a divorce lawyer will escalate an otherwise relatively benign problem.

[Curly_locks]

Can you get a PI to watch him especially at the gym? Good looking due around fit women could be recipe for infidelity. Or would you be able to stalk the parking lot to see if he walks out with someone else in a suggestive way? Walking her to her car, kissing, hand holding etc. Is he taking her to a bar after the gym before he goes home? Work is the hardest way to prove but the gym is more likely in your case. I hate to say it but changing phone habits is the biggest flag. I know from my WW's experience. It was a giveaway but she denied until I found proof. Cheaters can't wait to reply and can only go to the bathroom so often! Is he more typically than not in a different room than what was the norm? Does he have the phone right next to him when he showers?

 

I can't get a PI I don't think. I could stalk the gym. But I feel like if the phone activity is cause of cheating, it might be more realistic and easier to look at that? Gym is what popped up into my head. I can't think where else he would meet someone. We have a toddler, so we don't go partying etc. and are usually together if we go out. Except the rare girls/boys night. So you never know. But I don't go to he gym with him, and he goes most days. Hmm, he's usually in the same room. He doesn't leave his phone on the table when he showers like usual. He is taking it with him.

 

I don’t necessarily agree with having a conversation first. If he IS cheating, he will go deeper underground and do everything to hide the signs. You don’t need to go radical with it IMO, just look for the signs that are already there.

 

 

I’ve been on both sides of the coin-being cheated on and being the OW. My advice is the same.

 

I agree with this after reading these forums. I DON'T want to give him the heads up to hide anything. I will get his phone, it's a matter of when.

[Blanco]

you could be right. It's just that if a husband or wife feels like they have reached a point where they have to become ad hoc PIs, what's the point?

 

Unfortunately, from what I've seen on these forums, people who are cheating tend to deny, deny, deny unless presented with irrefutable evidence to the contrary.

[mark clemson]

I will get his phone, it's a matter of when.

 

 

Hopefully this is all false alarms, but - just be prepared for the worst in case that's what you find.

[Curly_locks]

Hopefully this is all false alarms, but - just be prepared for the worst in case that's what you find.

 

I know. I'm so scared. A big part of me wish I'd just ignore all this. Just not even go there. My world will shatter if he's F'd someone else.

[Mr. Lucky]

Unfortunately, from what I've seen on these forums, people who are cheating tend to deny, deny, deny unless presented with irrefutable evidence to the contrary.

 

Have seen this here also and it echoes my experience with my ex-wife and her affair. She was vocal about her unhappiness but wouldn't admit, including when caught red-handed, what she was unilaterally doing about it. My guess is that a cheating spouse examining their options will do almost anything to buy more time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

I do have access to his phone, it's just it's usually in his pocket or hand! I really like the last idea. I'm wondering if it's worth trying first?

 

Read his facial expression and body language when you do this, the results will tell you much of what you need to know.

 

it's a PAYG phone, so I don't think there's any traces of calls etc. unless on the actual phone?

 

How convenient...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Unfortunately, from what I've seen on these forums, people who are cheating tend to deny, deny, deny unless presented with irrefutable evidence to the contrary.

... and some will continue to deny even in the face of evidence.

There is a lot resting on being "guilty", so trying to get away with it even if unlikely, is worth a go.

Also some betrayed spouses are so upset that they want to believe almost anything, so they choose to swallow the lies in order to get their life back to normal again.

[Curly_locks]

I'm going to try and stay awake tonight. Lie in bed and pretend I'm asleep. Then I will see if he's up typing on his phone again. If he goes to sleep, I'll check out his phone. Very nervous. He came home in a better mood than this morning. I'm being sneaky and making sure I'm up close to him/leaning on his arm. So he can't text his potential side piece. Seriously just hope this is all nothing. My emotions are everywhere.

[darkbloom]

you could be right. It's just that if a husband or wife feels like they have reached a point where they have to become ad hoc PIs, what's the point?

 

I agree 100%. Also FWIW, I think more people just need to be aware of the red flags before marriage and be diligent. I don’t think that everyone cheats, however, given the right set of circumstances they are able to. I would NEVER blame a BW/BH however I think the signs most of the time are there for them to discover. There’s trust and then there’s sticking your head in the sand.

[Michelle ma Belle]

It seems we're all in agreement - this doesn't look good.

 

That's not to say he's meeting up with another woman or engaging in a physical/sexual affair BUT he certainly sounds like someone whose time and attention is being hijacked by someone or several someones.

 

I'm not sure what your relationship is like in terms of sharing / accessing each other's phones, but I would definitely start with seeing how he respond to handing his phone over to you for whatever reason you make up. If he hesitates or tells you to wait while he shuts down or cleans out whatever he's doing, you know something is up.

 

As said a million times on here, someone who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.

 

Be discreet but do what you need to do if you feel you need to do it.

 

Good luck.