Fiance acting shady..or am I just paranoid?

[elaine567]

People get into LDRs everyday without meeting, they love each other...

In order to function in an affair the betrayed person needs to be forgotten as much as possible. The affair exists in a vacuum with "the other life" ignored or denigrated.

What mattered was "their" relationship not "your" relationship.

She was gearing up to take this to another level, as was he...

[Veronica73]

I hope you do talk to supportive family or friends about this. It’s not your job to protect his image in a situation like this. He betrayed you (and your daughter) in a huge way.

 

I worry a little bit about the way it seems you are blaming her and most of your anger seems to be directed at her. I hope you’re not going to rug sweep this.

[Timshel]

Curly locks, you have been shown truth. This is a proverbial fork in the road for you. I understand the strong temptation to turn away and do whatever to stop the pain.

Both of your choices are going to be painful...breaking up and choosing a future without your fiance will be painful for awhile. This pain is temporary and your fiance can remain in your daughter's life and you will love and be loved sincerely.

The other choice is to stay but trust and respect are gone. Staying is indefinitely painful and it is likely putting off the inevitable...but there will be more pain first. There is a pinch, then a kick, then a frying pan and this is while you are being taught to listen and trust yourself.

 

Try not to turn away from what you are being shown, you already knew, this is a gift of being attuned. This is a gift that will help you if you will be strong enough to pay attention to it.

 

My advice would be to tell the people who love you that you are in pain. Let them help you. You do not have to go through this alone and the person who brought you the two roads of pain is not the one who should help you choose which is best.

[aliveagain]

Just my opinion but perhaps his reason for going onto POF wasn't to meet someone to start a relationship with but to meet single and married women for one night stands, perhaps he wanted some strange? My guess is this other woman was putting pressure on him to replace you with her but his intent was never to leave you, all he wanted was the use of her body. Replacing you would mean loosing 24/7 with his child, that's why he didn't go through with the sexual act. She had too many conditions attached to her sex, she wanted a full blown relationship. I suspect he was going to find others that just wanted sex without conditions. If I am right, why does he need strange? My next question is "will you ever be enough for him?"

 

I think he got attached to her, why else would he have searched her out after half a year of no contact? There is only one way to learn the truth about what he wrote her. If he really wants to prove that he didn't mean what he wrote in his texts/emails have him take a polygraph and prove it to you. A remorseful spouse would jump at an opportunity to prove themselves truthful to save their relationship. Knowing he'wants you and the relationship might help you with your decision. Book the polygraph.

Edited May 20, 2019 by aliveagain

[Orokotikki]

If not for this woman it would have just been someone else.

I'm so sorry for your pain, but I please leave him and move on.

If he sees that he can cheat on you and you will marry him anyway, then he will cheat whenever he wants to and it will be much harder for you too leave.

So sorry. :-(

[Curly_locks]

I spoke with my mum and sister. My sister thinks I should end everything with him. My mum is more on the fence, says maybe it can be fixed and to take time to decide. His brother came to pick some stuff up for him. He gave me a hug, said please forgive him he's in bits and love you so much. I said "he wasn't in bits when sexting her in our bed. " He just sighed. ha. I'm exhausted mentally and physically.

 

I don't think I'm blaming her more. I feel like they are equally responsible. I know as a woman, I couldn't do it to another woman. She said that but she didn't mean it. As for him, he's the one that made a commitment to me.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm very confused why he sometimes treated her bad?

 

Welp, as you've just learned, your fiance is a gigantic a-hole who has puts himself and his own desires first. He certainly has been treating you pretty badly, even if you didn't know about it until now. It follows that he's not kind to other women, either.

 

He's essentially been leading a double life for at least a year. My guess is that it isn't limited to what you know about, either. There is every chance he's done this before, without your knowledge, offline. He was pretty bold using a dating app with his name and photo; to me, that suggests that infidelity was not exactly new territory for him. I would imagine it takes a lot to go from never having cheated to signing up for a dating app without bother to to disguise yourself. I don't mean that he's used online sites before, but I would be surprised if this is the first time he has cheated on you. He's too comfortable with betraying you for this to have been his first rodeo, in my opinion.

 

I think what you have discovered is not all there is to know about his lack of loyalty to you.

[Curly_locks]

Welp, as you've just learned, your fiance is a gigantic a-hole who has puts himself and his own desires first. He certainly has been treating you pretty badly, even if you didn't know about it until now. It follows that he's not kind to other women, either.

 

He sounded really bad in a few of the msgs. Calling her names. He has spoke to me like that once in a while. But not often . But it's when I've been going at him and stressing him out. With her it was because he was jealous of her potentially dating. Maybe he's not even jealous of me cause she's prettier according to what he told her.

[stillafool]

Welp, as you've just learned, your fiance is a gigantic a-hole who has puts himself and his own desires first. He certainly has been treating you pretty badly, even if you didn't know about it until now. It follows that he's not kind to other women, either.

 

He's essentially been leading a double life for at least a year. My guess is that it isn't limited to what you know about, either. There is every chance he's done this before, without your knowledge, offline. He was pretty bold using a dating app with his name and photo; to me, that suggests that infidelity was not exactly new territory for him. I would imagine it takes a lot to go from never having cheated to signing up for a dating app without bother to to disguise yourself. I don't mean that he's used online sites before, but I would be surprised if this is the first time he has cheated on you. He's too comfortable with betraying you for this to have been his first rodeo, in my opinion.

 

I think what you have discovered is not all there is to know about his lack of loyalty to you.

 

I agree with this. The way he talked about you to her is mind blowing and I wouldn't be able to put that behind me either.

[Curly_locks]

Ugh long msg from him just came through. My friend TOLD him to give me space. Here is what it says (hope he doesn't find Loveshack lol)

 

"Curly, my brother said that you looked like you've been crying for hours. I never wanted to be the man who would make you cry. From the moment I first laid eyes on you I knew you were special. You made me weak but strong all at the same time. You came from a broken home, have your issues and struggles. You weren't easy to to open up to me. Now I have broken your trust. We were both barely adults. We started a serious long term relationship very early. And it's amazing, but I'm stupid and I let my ego take over. I admit it was nice to have a bit of attention. But she doesn't mean anything to me. Remember when you flirted with that guy at ** *** *** ? I was upset but I understood.

 

You wanted the attention and it inflated your ego. I understand this stupid situation with this woman lasted a while. I understand it's worse than what you done. But the motivation was just the same. Well we both have that off our chest. I was never going to meet her by the way. Babe nobody will ever compare to you. The things I said to her were lies. The best days of my life were meeting you and then when our girl was born. I can't go everyday not waking up to you both. I can't be one of those weekend dads. I know you don't want that for our girl either. I know you. I know your friends are probably telling you to dump me. But you should know yourself. I want to be with you forever. Get married and have another baby. Please please forgive me. Anything I need to do to make it better and I will. I need to see (our daughter), curly. I need to see you. Please answer. I love you."

 

It's just made me feel more sad. Btw the flirting he was talking about really wasn't flirting! I was talking to this guy about music artists. We were chatting and laughing. He said we were flirting and was upset but that he "gets it" Well I've talked and laughed with other males and females, but for some reason he focus on this. Even if I WAS flirting with him how can it compare?

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel like they are equally responsible.

 

For the actions themselves, yes. For betraying your trust and destroying your family, not even close.

 

Demonizing her is the fearful part of your brain, knowing change is scary, letting him off the hook. It's part of a process every cheated-on spouse, wishing it would all just go away, goes through.

 

It's naive to think you've found all the texts, all the conversations, all the pictures and, frankly speaking, all the women. Right now, righteous anger, directed at him, is your best friend...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ExpatInItaly]

That message he just sent you would have my blood boiling, OP.

 

There is an awful lot of blame-shifting and minimizing going on in his words, which speaks to his utter lack of regard for your feelings and absence of deep understanding of what he has done here. There is a lot of talk about what he wants and what he needs, and very little about how you might be feeling.

 

In short? He's very sorry he got caught. He's trying to act as though he's sorry he even did it. But his actions speak louder than his words, and even his words are revealing he doesn't get it and is a selfish ass.

[40somethingGuy]

You are in a position to really knock him down. A simple response outlining how much you loved him and how proud you were to have him (all past tense), how much you wanted to make him happy etc. But when he made that choice and said that stuff to another girl he cheated both on you and your daughter. That your daughter will have to grow up knowing why daddy doesn't live with her anymore etc. Let him really know what he gave up because actions have consequences. Imply it is over even if you're totally unsure right now.

 

 

Seems like he is trying to justify his actions instead of coming out saying what a failure he has been to you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Seems like he is trying to justify his actions instead of coming out saying what a failure he has been to you.

 

That's what I see too.

 

This is going to be nearly impossible to come back from, OP, even if you want to forgive him. The problems here go so much deeper than even this one particular woman he fell for. Miles deeper.

[Tamfana]

He sure twisted that, a pretty sad attempt to "both sides" it. Almost spit out my coffee when he talked about your past.

 

I'm so sorry he did this to you and your daughter.

Edited May 20, 2019 by Tamfana

[Curly_locks]

There is a lot of talk about what he wants and what he needs, and very little about how you might be feeling.

 

I Agree. He didn't even respect that I need space.

 

You are in a position to really knock him down. A simple response outlining how much you loved him and how proud you were to have him (all past tense), how much you wanted to make him happy etc. But when he made that choice and said that stuff to another girl he cheated both on you and your daughter. That your daughter will have to grow up knowing why daddy doesn't live with her anymore etc. Let him really know what he gave up because actions have consequences. Imply it is over even if you're totally unsure right now.

 

Do you think I should send this? Is it really pathetic and bad that im worried to send that. That if I do he might go see her if he thinks it's over? He knows where she lives and works. I know it's a bad sign I'm even thinking this.

 

He's made ME feel guilty. It seems like he's saying he wanted attention from others cause we started young??? But he already gets attention from looks, people tell him he's handsome. He needs it online too?

 

He sent another msg "can I pick my daughter up from toddler group tomorrow?" I did answer that with a simple "NO!!!"

 

Almost spit out my coffee when he talked about your past.

 

I know. Why did he do that???

[40somethingGuy]

Absolutely you should send that. You almost sound like you know you are going to let this slide. You need to make him hurt and understand that you will not be taken for granted. Lies or not, you do not utter words about someone you love like that. He stated that you will not be together forever anyways. How else are you supposed to interpret that? And while you are still too fresh in the grieving process to realize this, if you stay you will be very resentful. The relationship has changed and you cannot un-ring a bell. Sometimes the most innocuous thing will set you off into a depression because you are with someone tainted that cheated on you. His ego meant enough to risk you and being a weekend father. Good men who love their families do not do this. You would be insane to marry him at the very least. So, recover and find a good man who will love you the way you deserve. Even if he is a step down in the looks department. Without trust you have nothing.

[Curly_locks]

Should I contact HER too? Send a msg? Or maybe a little visit to her work place.

[lana-banana]

No. Absolutely not. She is a distraction from what really matters here---your ex betrayed you---and if you show up at her workplace you could end up in big trouble. I know you're crushed but you have got to keep it together for your daughter. Do not contact this woman.

[Veronica73]

OMG. That was a horrible apology. He minimized and made exclusions while blaming you to a certain extent.

 

Well we both have that off our chest.

 

That line is the worst for me. Does he really think that’s all it’s going to take to get past this?!

 

Frankly, I think no apology would have been better than that crappy one.

[LIRR88]

Curly I know you are hurt but please remember that some men are excellent manipulators. God only knows what he told this OW, he probably painted you as a horrible person and told her everything she wanted to hear. If it hadn’t been her it would have been someone else, so he deserves all the blame. Just because you guys are separated doesn’t mean he can’t be a good dad, you have to put your daughter first and co parent in a healthy and respectful way, no matter how much you hate him right now. One day your daughter will thank you for your strength and grace through all this. Don’t let this fool disrespect you in anyway, keep him at a distance and take your time to process everything.

[stillafool]

Should I contact HER too? Send a msg? Or maybe a little visit to her work place.

 

Why would you do that? Her commitment is not to you. It is up to him not to cheat.

[georgia girl]

I may be all wet here, but what about a more measured response? Something like;

 

You asked me what can you do? Without getting into what you have done, I would ask you to take stock of what you have risked and how are you ever going to even be able to fix this? You risked our family - our little girl growing up with parents who live apart. You risked our wedding - the day that was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. You risked our other children and us growing old together and watching them thrive.

 

At this point, I am not sure I could ever begin to forgive you. I don’t know what it will take. But I can guarantee you one thing; I am not going to be the one doing the work to come up with a plan or to do the soul-searching of why you would do this or to put in the hard work of re-earning my trust. That’s all on you.

 

I may love you but I will not live like this. So, what exactly are you going to do to prove to me that you could be the husband and father that I need you to be? Don’t ask for my forgiveness - earn it. And know that my forgiveness and our future is not guaranteed. That’s simply not something I can offer you right now. And if you aren’t willing to do the work, walk away now. I will never do this a second time.

 

 

Unlike others, I think you can save this relationship but it would take two very critical things.one is that he would have to work his butt off to re-earn your trust, love and respect. The other is that you will have to make him work for it. No free passes, no helping him out. You need to be true to what you need and demand it. It will be too easy for you to forgive. Make him earn it.

 

And give this all a little time. You just found out about this. I think it’s fair to tell him that he had a year of fooling around, you get a year to figure out if this is what you want and that you are willing to walk away at any moment.0

[FMW]

Absolutely do NOT contact the other woman. She is not your problem - he is. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. She's not the reason he betrayed you, she was simply the mechanism - easily interchangeable with any other willing woman.

 

Don't deflect the issue. Focus your energy on what HE did and what you are going to do about him and your relationship.

 

Taking a chance that this was just a one off and he will be faithful going forward is a bad bet.

[Crazelnut]

I think you're focusing on the wrong stuff. Why did he disappear on her? What a horrible person she is. Etc. Instead, you need to be focusing on what a horrible person YOUR FIANCE is. HE did this to you, not her.

 

I'm sure it's emotionally easier to focus on these distractions than on the pain that he is causing. But he is the reason you're hurting. And for goodness sake, don't walk down the aisle with him and give him the chance to lie to you again on a grand scale.