Fiance acting shady..or am I just paranoid?

[Curly_locks]

I forgot to say thank you to everyone, for the advice and support so far.

[lana-banana]

I would definitely try spending as much time together as possible. If he is cheating (I suppose he could have something strictly online, but let's not worry about that now) you may find some indications that he's planning to sneak around. For example, if he's resentful about soending more time together or tries to make excuses for why he can't, that's potentially a red flag.

 

You don't have any concrete evidence of cheating yet, just odd behavior. And you shouldn't ignore your gut. But you need to gather information for a while longer. Also, FYI, do NOT buy a camera or recorder or anything until you have researched the relevant laws in your jurisdiction. There are plenty of areas even within the US where that stuff is very dicey or flat-out illegal.

[Curly_locks]

Question - if I get through his phone tonight and find evidence of something, should I confront him then? Or should I wait? I feel like I can't hold it all in much longer, and I don't even know if he's done anything yet.

[Orokotikki]

Fact is, you ask for his phone and he won't give it (or would only give it later after deleting everything).

 

If the role was reversed and he was worried you were cheating, and he asked for your phone to see it, would you give it?

If so, then why tolerate someone who won't treat you equally? ((This is actually really important!!! Do you want to be king and queen with your spouse, or instead there's a President and a Vice president?? You should value yourself enough not to let someone keep a double standard where YOU are lesser!!))

 

BTW the line about "only cheaters accuse others of cheating" is straight from the cheater's handbook.

 

Also FWIW if your name is on the car title you can put a GPS on it. Another trick is to enable GPS on your phone and 'forget it' in their car and log on a PC to see the location.

[Orokotikki]

I wouldn't confront him, just expose the affair (to everyone), and break up with him.

[Crazelnut]

If you find real evidence on his phone, either take pics of it with YOUR phone or screen shot it and text it to yourself. KEEP THAT EVIDENCE!

[40somethingGuy]

I'm going to try and stay awake tonight. Lie in bed and pretend I'm asleep. Then I will see if he's up typing on his phone again. If he goes to sleep, I'll check out his phone. Very nervous. He came home in a better mood than this morning. I'm being sneaky and making sure I'm up close to him/leaning on his arm. So he can't text his potential side piece. Seriously just hope this is all nothing. My emotions are everywhere.

Just know he possibly has a lock on his phone. He has to be smart enough to know that changing texting habits is going to become obvious over time and he will find a way to protect himself. And I don't want to upset you but it is POSSIBLE he met someone at the gym and she is sending naughty photos to him in text. This kind of thing happens all the time. There are lots of predators out there that would think nothing of snatching your guy. And I am sure that is at least an ego boost for him. He's male so he wants to know he can get other hot girls if he ever has to or wants to. That is normal. Still no reason to cheat.

[40somethingGuy]

Question - if I get through his phone tonight and find evidence of something, should I confront him then? Or should I wait? I feel like I can't hold it all in much longer, and I don't even know if he's done anything yet.

 

I'd take the daughter and go somewhere and confront the OW. Make him sweat. But only if there is a smoking gun.

[Curly_locks]

If you find real evidence on his phone, either take pics of it with YOUR phone or screen shot it and text it to yourself. KEEP THAT EVIDENCE!

 

Yeah I will take pics with my phone. Thank you.

 

Just know he possibly has a lock on his phone. He has to be smart enough to know that changing texting habits is going to become obvious over time and he will find a way to protect himself. And I don't want to upset you but it is POSSIBLE he met someone at the gym and she is sending naughty photos to him in text. This kind of thing happens all the time. There are lots of predators out there that would think nothing of snatching your guy. And I am sure that is at least an ego boost for him. He's male so he wants to know he can get other hot girls if he ever has to or wants to. That is normal. Still no reason to cheat.

 

We both have pass codes on our phones. Our daughter likes to grab and play around. But we know each other's pass codes. So if there is a change in that, something is definitely up. If he risks everything, when he has a beautiful daughter, just for nudes (I don't care if he watch porn sites) then he is really really stupid.

[LIRR88]

I was the OW and my MM had a secret email which would make it difficult for him to get caught BUT he would call me everyday and we’d always speak for over an hour. The best thing you can do is try and find out if there’s anyway you can check his call log. If he has a girlfriend you best believe he’s calling her. Look for numbers he calls frequent and speaks to for a long duration. Does he have social media?? If he does you can check who he’s been searching for, type in any letter and the most frequently searched accounts come up right away.

[preraph]

I realize some people have been caught cheating by looking at their phone, but for the life of me I can't understand why anyone keeps their texts or emails, much less if they're cheating....so easy to just erase.

[preraph]

Sometimes when you're just sitting around, tell him you're going to take a shower and then leave the shower running and quietly come up behind him and see what he's doing. But don't do it if there's a tv or window in front of him where he might see your reflection.

[Curly_locks]

Last night didn't work out. I fell asleep before him. He cuddled me for a while. Then I guess he thought I was asleep. He turned around and yep, back on his phone. I fell asleep shortly after. He tried to have sex this morning. I just can't do it until I know if anything is happening. Time to think of plan B. I think I will let my phone battery die today. Then after we have been shopping, and our daughters asleep, ask to use his quick. I won't go through his phone then obviously, but to see his reaction. And then go from there.

[preraph]

Just remember though that if he's got a brain in his head he's already deleted every email or text from women or two women, in which case he'd have no problem with letting you use his phone.

[preraph]

If you try that shower thing, before you go shower leave a hair band on the table so that if he catches you creeping up behind him you can just say you forgot your hair band.

[Curly_locks]

If you try that shower thing, before you go shower leave a hair band on the table so that if he catches you creeping up behind him you can just say you forgot your hair band.

 

Thanks for the suggestion. I'm definitely keeping it as one of my options.

 

Just remember though that if he's got a brain in his head he's already deleted every email or text from women or two women, in which case he'd have no problem with letting you use his phone.

 

Yeah this is a worry. If someone is cheating and hides evidence, what can you even do? It's a scary thought.

[aliveagain]

When people your in a relationship with start to act sketchy and also hide things from you remember they are still in their trial period, don't progress the relationship, he is failing, Do whatever you need to do to make sure your decision to marry him is the right decision including delaying the wedding. You can't believe what he tells you if he is acting dishonest, you can only believe his actions. If this is him at his best behavior then what does bad look like? What's he going to be like after he gets you to the alter?

 

A lifetime is a long time and if he's already causing you to question his commitment, do something about it. Don't ignore the signs like I did. Ending a relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend is a lot easier and cheaper then trying to end a marriage. What you need to ask yourself(based on his recent actions), will your validation be enough for him or will he need validation from other women? Don't marry someone who can't make you feel safe and don't marry someone you have to police. Sometimes the easiest way to find out the truth is the simplest way, ask to see his phone and hand him yours. If he makes all kinds of excuses as to why he can't or won't because your intruding on his privacy, well you have your answer and the rest is up to you. Do not give him anytime to delete files, it's now or never.

 

Your the same age as my daughter and what I just wrote to you I would say to her. Unfortunately by the time our guts are warning us that something isn't right, it's usually too late. I hope I am wrong for you and your child. It's up to you to to show him what is acceptable behavior, never compromise your standards.

Edited May 16, 2019 by aliveagain

[notbroken]

Definitely questionable behavior. Don't 'rugsweep' this. BTDT. You'll have to find out or you will always wonder and it will effect your future marriage in many ways. Don't give up. Find a way to check his phone history one way or another. If texts are deleted, calls are deleted, etc - then in my mind that's proof right there. Honest people don't cover their tracks. Dishonest ones do.

[Curly_locks]

Thank you aliveagain, I will make sure everything with him is true before I marry him. To me it's a big thing to be committed to someone through marriage. I know it makes things harder to leave if needed. But he is the man I want to marry so bad. He's been the man I've loved since I was 18. The ONLY man I've loved. And we have the best gift together, our daughter. But I 100% need to be sure of everything.

 

I managed to peek over his shoulder for a few seconds. I could see in big green letters the app Kik was loading. But he turned around before i see anything else. I had no idea he had Kik. I don't THINK he used to have it, but I can't be sure. Is it a normal/common kind of app to have? I googled and it's a messaging app. Is it like WhatsApp where it has your phone contacts?

[Veronica73]

I have next to no idea about Kik, except that is one of the apps my friend who turned out to be a pedophile used to keep in contact with his victim. But don’t freak out. That’s just the only time I’ve ever even heard of it.

 

(Edit): And I’m old. I pretty much only do regular text messaging if I want to keep in touch with somebody. I don’t use Snapchat or WhatsApp or any of those things. Don’t even really know what they are.

Edited May 16, 2019 by Veronica73

[Crazelnut]

Kik is an app that is pretty commonly used by cheaters. Seriously. I'll eat my hat if your fiance is faithful.

[camillalev]

Last night didn't work out. I fell asleep before him. He cuddled me for a while. Then I guess he thought I was asleep. He turned around and yep, back on his phone. I fell asleep shortly after. He tried to have sex this morning. I just can't do it until I know if anything is happening. Time to think of plan B. I think I will let my phone battery die today. Then after we have been shopping, and our daughters asleep, ask to use his quick. I won't go through his phone then obviously, but to see his reaction. And then go from there.

 

You need to stay awake and look on his phone. drink a coffee or a coke before bed. If you give him a scare by asking for his phone, he will likely delete anything suspicious from his phone. So he continued his suspicious behavior and you just fell asleep? My heart would be beating out of my chest knowing I was planning to snoop. I know you're scared to find something you don't like, but stop beating around the bush and look.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I managed to peek over his shoulder for a few seconds. I could see in big green letters the app Kik was loading. But he turned around before i see anything else. I had no idea he had Kik. I don't THINK he used to have it, but I can't be sure. Is it a normal/common kind of app to have? I googled and it's a messaging app. Is it like WhatsApp where it has your phone contacts?

 

Having/using Kik is indeed problematic. Again, it's not a guarantee that any physical hanky panky is going on BUT there is a VERY good chance that, at the very least, he's chatting with other women on a platform that allows for the utmost anonymity.

 

Something else to consider, Kik has countless chat groups you can join. Some innocent and some not. There was a point in my life where I did a lot of online exploring and playing and Kik was a go-to for me. Some of those groups can get VERY crazy and VERY inappropriate!

 

Have you and your man ever talked about what qualifies as cheating? Is chatting with strange women acceptable? Is messaging suggestively to another woman appropriate? Is sending or receiving provocative pics okay with you? Assuming his definition is the same as yours would be naive at best.

 

My definition of cheating? If you're having to hide something / anything, then it's cheating. Period.

 

Where there is smoke, there is likely a fire. You just need to figure out how big of a fire and if you're willing to help put it out and trust it won't ignite again later on.

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

Kik is an app that is pretty commonly used by cheaters. Seriously. I'll eat my hat if your fiance is faithful.

 

Indeed, Kik is pretty much the province of middle schoolers and unfaithful partners. Unless your husband is in the eighth grade, not good news.

 

There's also a Tinder-like dating app called Nearby inside Kik.

 

Why not tell him you saw the logo and wonder what he uses it for?

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited May 18, 2019 by Mr. Lucky

[DumbCow]

Have the two of you considered pre-marriage counciling? My husband & I had been living together for 6 years before marriage so we pretty much just laughed at the idea, we already knew everything, or so we thought...

 

We had never discussed exactly what we considered cheating, what online behaviour was acceptable, rules on mixing with the opposite sex etc.

 

Now I sincerely wish that we had accepted the offer of pre-marriage courses!

 

I hope that your concerns are unfounded. If they are please have open & honest conversations about this, learn from this experience BEFORE marriage & more children.