Fiance acting shady..or am I just paranoid?

[OatsAndHall]

One glance at the phone bill will probably tell you all you need to know. If there's numbers on there that you don't recognize, then pay for a reverse number look-up and figure out who it is. I would say confront him about said numbers before hand but that'll be a waste of time as he'll probably make up an excuse or a flat out lie. I'd figure out who he's been talking to and then approach him about it.

 

 

 

I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope it's just an abnormality. Unfortunately, I've been in your shoes and I'm speaking from experience. I took one look at a phone bill, figured out real quick who she was messaging all the time and I didn't have to dig any further. I had my answer about her extra-curricular activities.

[Curly_locks]

So after reading through my many screenshots, im going to use this to come back and process. apologies it's long, but if anyone can give advice I'd appreciate it. He left his phone on the bed while in the shower. I was going to do a very quick snoop. I couldn't get into his phone. He had changed his pass code. When he came out I was standing there.

 

Why have you changed your pass code?

Huh?

Why have you changed your pass code?

Why are you looking on my phone?

I just wanted to Google something quick. It's never been a problem before. What's up?

He rolls his eyes. Walks away.

I follow.

Let me see your phone please.

Ignores me. I repeat.

Nah.

If you don't put your code in and hand me it right now, I will take (our daughter) and leave for good.

You're acting crazy.

I mean it. Right now.

He looks sick. But he does it.

I run to the bathroom and lock myself in.

 

I look in his phone calls and texts. Nothing abnormal. Then I open his web browser, nothing there either. History is just normal stuff. Can't find Kik in his apps. But then I decide to just click on everything. There's a folder called "work" and there is Kik. And the dating app POF!!! I'm already in tears, he's repeating "babe it's not what you think, I'm sorry, just come out and talk" while I'm doing this. Open pof, he's not logged in. I ask him his username and password for POF. He tells me he never made an account. I tell him he's an Fing liar and he needs to tell me pronto. He won't. I try to guess his log in and I can't. But eventually after I've read the Kik convo, I tell him the only chance he have of me staying is logging in there. He does,i go back in bathroom.

 

POF profile. Has his pics, clear as day. Wow what if someone we know had seen him!!! Intent says looking for relationship. No profile description. Guess he doesn't need one being so hot huh!!! Loads of women msging him. Some very forward, telling him his pics make them wet, they want him etc. Surprisingly he doesn't reply to those?! He only replied to a few women who talked normal. Just basic how are you, what you up to etc. Then he would drop off the convo. Seems to be no interest in them. I find the name matching Kik woman (sorry I'm working backwards, will make sense next paragraph) and for some weirdo reason, they sometimes talk on there, sometimes Kik.

 

I open Kik and he's logged in. He has just one convo, one woman on there. I scroll to the top. Dated 3 weeks ago. I read it alllll. I guess I'll put the basic, most important facts, taken from Kik and POF:

 

She's seeing someone but in early stages, his age, they first started talking over a year ago. They met on POF. She didn't know about me and our daughter THEN. He must have disappeared on her over 6 months ago I believe. Seems like it was sudden and he didn't warn her. The start of the convo is him apologising, saying he's missed her, that he has a girlfriend and daughter. Says I found out about them and he had no way of contacting her. Fing liar, I wish!!! She keeps saying how he hurt her. she is telling him "how could you do this to me, why did you come back" etc. She's all over the place, mad and sad. He's apologising, asking for forgiveness.

 

He refers to me as his girlfriend or "her" and "she" not "the woman I'm about to marry" you know. She says he obviously doesn't love me and is with me for our baby. She feels sorry for him that he isn't happy. He tells her he loves me cause we have history and our daughter. But that he isn't IN love with me anymore, and won't be with me forever. Wow!!!

 

At first she's acting all innocent, saying she won't be his lover, would never have sex with him while he has a girlfriend, wouldn't want to hurt another woman, that he should work on our relationship etc etc

 

They say goodbye, we need to stop this , I'll miss you et c. about every other day . Usually initiated by him. Then one of them will break contact again a few hours later!!! Usually her.

 

He sent a pic of our daughter to her!!! Says he wish she could meet her. She'd love to.

He told her she's prettier than me!!!

 

It just gets worse in time. This part esp. makes me sick... It's hard to even type. He sent her a dirty msg. Saying he remembers a pic in a dress she sent him when they used to talk. How it's been scetched into his brain. How she told him she was wearing nothing underneath. Says he's hard just thinking about it. That it turns him on that he's in bed turned on over her. How he's going to "finish" while thinking about her. That he wishes he could sneak her in our house and "take her", while I'm asleep or out. He doesn't really care, he just wants her to feel him inside, how big etc etc. Ugggghhh. Ugghhhh.

 

She responds by saying she remembers that. Blah blah. She doesn't talk dirty back at this point.

 

He plans an Fing meeting with her!!! A date!!! Says he's going to call in sick at work, take her somewhere nice. She can't wait. Then he chickens out a few hours later. Says "are you sure this is a good idea? If we were in the same room, I wouldn't stop anything from happening, cause the truth is i want it to" then "I'm going to do the right thing and end contact with us" she says she respects it.

 

Then later that night she sends him pics in what I'm guessing is that dress!!! Low cut and may as well be topless. Says she realllly want to see him. He reply, they start chatting again. The date back on. Dirty talk initiated by the B. She hopes he's at the level she's expecting. she's sooo horny over him. He can't wait to *insert all sex acts here*

 

The date was supposed to be Friday. He stopped talking to her since Thursday. She's upset. They definitely didn't meet btw. That Friday she was sending him upset msgs.

 

I know this Bs full name, what she looks like, the area she lives in, the name of her work place. She's dumb. I could have some fun with that!!!

 

I know they have never met. I'm 99% sure. They talk about finally meeting, being able to look into each other's eyes etc. I can't read the conversation they used to have months back. He says it was on WhatsApp but been deleted and blocked.

 

I threw my ring at him, told him to get out. He begged me no. Said he didn't mean any of it, was just caught up, blah blah. I made him leave. Told him she can have him since he's not in love with me. Promise he really is. He's at his brothers. I have my best friend staying over.

 

I'm devastated. And confused. Why didn't he meet her? Why keep it to online? Why only her? I think he really does have feelings for her. He screenshot her pics. She's the only one he's done this with. By the looks of things anyway. So he must have feelings? He kept telling her his feelings are genuine. He went back for her after MONTHS!!! They even had little arguments like lovers. It's pathetic. They haven't met!!!

 

He's been calling and texting all day/evening. I'm not answering the call. The texts are just the begging, that he'd do anything for me etc. I really don't know what to do. Does it make a difference he ignored her, didn't meet her? I'm devastated with him, but she did peruse him a lot. He's blocked her, took all his pics and details off POF and deleted app. Please help, what do I do???

[mark clemson]

So sorry you are going through this Dday .

 

IMO what you should do is give yourself time (at least several weeks) to process this at some sort of rational level. That won't be possible for a while, so give yourself the time.

 

Very likely the best thing to do will be to end the engagement etc. Process this for a while to be sure.

 

Again, sorry for your (very understandable) distress.

[stillafool]

I hope you aren't still planning on going through with the wedding after finding out about his emotional affair. It was only a matter of time before they met, had sex and then what? He cannot be trusted.

[Mr. Lucky]

Please help, what do I do???

 

It's an ironic truth that some of the hardest things to do in life are also the simplest. What do you do? Break off the engagement, see a lawyer and start to work on custody issues.

 

This wasn't an impulsive fling, this is him showing you who he is. Unless that's the guy you want to spend your life with, unfortunately time to move on.

 

Sorry it turned out this way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[FMW]

I'm so sorry it turned out this way.

 

Mark is right. Allow yourself time to get your head around this.

 

Don't have any contact with him while you do that. Use trusted friends or family for visits and information related to your daughter for right now.

 

Personally I wouldn't give him much, if any, credit for not actually physically hooking up with her. I consider what you found out to be a significant betrayal and I wouldn't trust that he wouldn't do it again and take it further in the future once he thinks he's regained your trust.

[LIRR88]

Omg I’m so sorry. Your intuition was spot on and that’s why we should always trust it. It’s a good thing you kicked him out so you can gather your thoughts. Don’t make any major decisions while in a vulnerable state so give yourself all the time you need. I will tell you this much, it’s a blessing in disguise you found this out before having married this man.

[lana-banana]

You need to spend at least a few days with your daughter figuring out your next move. Block him everywhere and designate a close friend or family member to serve as a temporary point of contact. He can try to reach you through that person, who will decide whether you truly need to talk to him for legal/logistical reasons (or just delete all his begging texts).

 

This guy is an absolute piece of trash. It doesn't matter that they never met because he still disrespected you over and over, day in and day out, and prioritized her needs for at least a year. The betrayal of intimacy is the worst. If my husband had a one-night stand I would be upset, but I'd get over it; if he had any kind of emotional affair like this, even just online, I would be destroyed. And sending pictures of your daughter to a mistress saying her mother doesn't care! What kind of pathetic cartoon villain lowlife does that?

 

You can deal with him in a few days, but right now you need a safe way to process your shock. Focus on yourself and your daughter until you're ready to take action.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry to hear this update, OP. How awful and gut-wrenching.

 

I would separate formally, get a custody arrangement in place, and never look back. The chances of coming back from this are slim-to-none. You would never be able to trust him again. No way in hell would I commit myself to a lifetime of this.

 

This wasn't a drunken one-nighter. This was an ongoing emotional affair that was about to turn physical. In my opinion, it isn't that relevant whether he'd met her or not yet. The intent to cheat is there. If it hadn't been this woman, it would have eventually been someone else. He's on a dating app. You don't know if he has met other women. He is trying to find your replacement and he went about it in the most dishonest way possible, right under your nose.

 

He isn't the man you thought he was. Not even close. And you had no idea for a long time, which tells me he is frighteningly good at lying to you. This isn't a man who loves you.

Edited May 19, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[elaine567]

He was within a hairsbreadth of physically cheating here, another few days and the deed was done... With a whole pile of deleted messages, who knows what else he got up to...

 

Too many women (usually) find their guy is cheating during the engagement. They go on to marry him as she loves him, she has a child, she wants to get married, he will never do it again... only to end up here a few years later pregnant again +/- multiple kids in tow and he is up to is old tricks again.

She now has a marriage, a house and little kids to care for. She either puts up and shuts up and lives with a serial cheater in misery and with no trust or becomes a single Mom to a small brood...

Do not be that woman.

Now is your chance to limit the damage.

[aliveagain]

My heart breaks for you and your child as I read your most recent update. As I stated in a previous post, you can't trust what a liar is saying to you, you can only trust their actions and his actions explain a lot of his behavior over the past year. Now you know why he decided against having a second child. He is emotionally connected to this other woman because it changed the way he acts with you. His comment about not staying with you and your daughter forever is very disturbing, it's a very telling statement. The fact that he was willing to put that in writing to someone proves that there is probably some truth in that statement. You need to step back and really think hard about your path. Marrying someone who doesn't view marriage the same way as you can be a major problem.

 

This is an affair, emotional affairs can be a lot more damaging then a physical affair because his heart is now connected to the other woman. He has only been in your relationship part time and part time relationships never succeed. You have 7 years and a child together but that didn't stop him from shopping for your replacement. What kind of man gets engaged then puts his picture and profile on dating sites? Not one I would recommend my daughter marry. If I were in this situation I wouldn't even consider continuing a relationship with someone like him unless it included intense independent counselling to find out why he betrayed you and how he can safeguard you against it happening again and secondly, having a brutal prenuptial agreement in place giving you full custody of your children and at least 80% of all assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity.

 

This is a decision you need to make but remember, if you only listen to your heart your heart will always betray you, it wants what it wants. Use your head, protect yourself and your child. Do not enter into any arraignment with him that is only part time. You now know who he really is, the man you were in love with is who he wanted you to believe he was. Be clear about your boundaries, don't compromise yourself. Good for you for holding your ground, if you say it you need to mean it, your worth it.

[PinkPampies]

So sorry you are going through this. I know how heartbreaking it is. You don’t need to put pressure on yourself and make a decision right now, but I would suggest having him stay somewhere else for a time so you can gather your thoughts. Focus on your daughter and take some time to yourself to think things through.

 

He should at least stay somewhere else for now and give you space. I can’t imagine having to see him everyday while he begs and pleads.

[stillafool]

I agree with Aliveagain that an emotional affair is more dangerous than a purely physical one. Emotions are what makes us fall in love. He seems emotionally attached to this woman.

[Curly_locks]

Thanks so much for all of the support. I am taking all of the advice on board too. It's past 1am and I can't sleep. Second night of barely sleeping. All I've been doing is the basics for my daughter and crying. My friend has been so supportive. I don't want to tell anyone else yet, like family, until I've decided what to do. I've had to lie to my own mother that all is ok. My friend answered one of his many calls. Told him he needs to respect that I need some time, that I will contact him when I'm ready. I'm thinking of meeting him out somewhere, maybe tomorrow . I really need some questions answered. Also he will need to pick some more of his stuff up.

 

I'm going back and forth whether I should forgive him. On one hand, how tf could I ever trust him? On the other, he didn't meet her and maybe it could be nipped in the bud. I'm so glad he didn't F her. We have a daughter, I can't stand the thought of her being upset, confused, missing him. I had a bad/absent father and I promised myself I would pick a great dad fr my kids, who will stick together as a family! He is great with her 100%, but now he's done this. How could he do this to us??? All for some woman he's never met. The feelings for her can only be fantasy surely???

 

I dont understand why he said he isn't in love. Why he won't be with me forever. He's always telling me the opposite. Did he tell her that to keep her there for the stupid Fing fantasy? I hate this "woman"!!! She was throwing herself at him. AFTER acting innocent, which somehow makes it even worse. Like she was acting like a snake. How dare she suggest he brings our daughter one day to see her. How dare she pretend to care about me/women!!! Then afterwards making plans to sleep with him!!! How dare she say he's only with me for our daughter. That he's unhappy!!! Hate her. She has no excuses. She's basically single, pains me to say but she's pretty so I'm sure she can meet other guys. Why mine? I want to confront her. I'm thinking the best way to do it.

 

I can't get over he was sexting her in our bed. It turned him on to be in our bed and sexting her. I would have been right there beside him asleep. How could he? He'd rather do that than have sex with me???sorry Loveshack, I know you don't have the answers for me. But it helps a little to type this out.

[SJS]

I'm so, so sorry Curly, and wish this wasn't the outcome. I don't have much to add other than the two of you don't need to be together for him to be a good dad, and don't let that be a reason to stay together. Also, don't misplace your anger and put it on the other woman. I understand why you hate her, however, HE could've stopped this from happening on day 1. HE led her on, HE lied to you, HE was the one who was unfaithful.

[Mr. Lucky]

I hate this "woman"!!! She was throwing herself at him. AFTER acting innocent, which somehow makes it even worse. Like she was acting like a snake. How dare she suggest he brings our daughter one day to see her. How dare she pretend to care about me/women!!! Then afterwards making plans to sleep with him!!! How dare she say he's only with me for our daughter. That he's unhappy!!! Hate her. She has no excuses. She's basically single, pains me to say but she's pretty so I'm sure she can meet other guys. Why mine? I want to confront her. I'm thinking the best way to do it.

 

She's not the person promising you a commitment and future together. Had it not been her, simply would have been someone else. Any anger focused on her is wasted energy you'll need to solve the considerable problems in front of you.

 

I'm sure you're BF would be happy to throw her under the bus. Don't get distracted from what's really happened here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ExpatInItaly]

I dont understand why he said he isn't in love. Why he won't be with me forever. He's always telling me the opposite. Did he tell her that to keep her there for the stupid Fing fantasy?

 

I think it's the opposite: I think he's been telling you these things to keep from rocking the boat until he was truly ready to leave.

 

I'm terribly sorry, OP. I think he hasn't been honest with you about his feelings for a long time, and you found out in the worst possible way that he's not invested in you or your family anymore.

 

I get why you are angry at this other woman. She should have stepped away, don't get me wrong. Shame on her for not doing so. However, your fiance deserves the lion's share of your anger. Without his active participation in this affair, well, she wouldn't be able to interfere. Your fiance is the biggest problem here. He is the one looking for a new girlfriend on dating apps.

 

Please, do look after yourself. You have had a terrible upset and it will take a long time to process it. Sooner or later your family will need to know what has happened, as you will need their support. Again, I'm so very sorry you're going through this. Your fiance is a grade-A creep.

Edited May 20, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[lana-banana]

You may in time be able to forgive him, but that doesn't mean taking him back. It's not like a drunken one-night stand. He engaged with this woman for over a year, lied to her about his life and your relationship, told her he didn't love you, and even maintained a dating profile and messaging app to look for other women. He has an established and consistent pattern of deception. How could you ever trust him again?

 

It is fine to hate the other woman in this moment, but as others have said, she doesn't deserve most of the blame. As far as she knows you're a horrible uncaring witch who treats her man poorly and probably mistreats her daughter. Your ex deserves by far the biggest amount of blame here - he is the one who lied to, manipulated, and used all of you to get what he wanted.

 

I don't think infidelity has to end every relationship, but the extent and length of this guy's cheating does not seem possible to overcome. What kind of marriage would this be? Worrying every time he stays someplace overnight, watching him like a hawk every time he uses his phone, getting STD tests whenever he comes back from a business trip? That sounds horrendous for both of you, not to mention your daughter. You have to set an example of self-respect, for her sake and yours.

 

Don't meet with him yet. You still need time to rest, process, and work through this emotional maelstrom. Be kind to yourself in the meantime.

[Crazelnut]

Oh my goodness. I am SO sorry. Your fiance is a class A TOOL.

 

My short term advice: Do NOT talk with him yet. Your emotions are still too raw, and it will be way too easy for him to manipulate you. He will try to convince you that this wasn't an affair, which is utter BS. I don't think you're in a strong enough state to withstand his lovey-dovey BS.

 

My long term advice: This isn't recoverable. You will never be able to trust him again. He flat out said, in writing, that he is not in love with you and does not intend to stay with you long term. Why would you want to wait around for him to make good on his word and leave you and his child? You seem to be fixated on the fact that he didn't actually put his p***s in her. That is NOT the real problem here. The problem is that he is IN LOVE with another woman, bad mouthed you to her, and devoted all his energy to her. He was considering introducing YOUR child to his mistress. You should run far away from this jerk.

[40somethingGuy]

My heart really hurts for you. The feeling of betrayal will always be with you. It is ironic that the one we love the most is also the one who by far hurt us the worst. That is hard to grasp. Obviously you have to know that you are 100 percent innocent in this and don't let him blame shift to you as to why he had to do what he did. I understand he has an ego that needs stroking but having an EA and talking about a PA is way overstepping.

 

 

3 years ago I caught my wife having an affair with a neighbor who was a lover of hers back in the late 90's when they were just out of high school. Eventually lost contact and reunited in a chance encounter (his wife was our kids Boy Scout Den Mom). Reading the 3688 texts exchanged over a 2 month period was sickening. They did not have sex but my wife let it be known she was down. He is the one who backed away and ended it. I found out 4 days later when I went into her phone. She had the same kind of obvious text habits that was recent and I grew suspicious. Ironically, the OM is so fat, ugly, and hairy (seriously about 6-4 and 450 pounds) that he wasn't even a thought. For a long time I regretted not divorcing her. We have 2 kids and I don't want to be a part time dad so that was most of it but it took me 2 solid years to begin to feel some trust. Today we are as strong as ever and I still have some ways to spy on her and she has been clean since. It can be done but know either way you will have the roller coaster feeling where you think you're fine one moment and something small will trigger a feeling that brings you way down. He may not be ready for your up and down swings that will make you appear to be crazy yet it is all his fault. I don't know how you will ever be able to forgive someone saying you won't be together forever anyways and still walk down that aisle. He may be good looking but your dignity and self worth is still priority 1. I wish nothing but the best for you.

[mark clemson]

If he is as good looking as you say, he is probably used to getting lots of attention/ego strokes from women, possibly even complete strangers. He may be used to turning down/ignoring overtures, and be something of a (pretty rare) male "tease" who leads women on a bit then disconnects. It's possible this all started out of a desire on his part for even more ego strokes.

 

It is interesting that he ignored the most aggressively sexual women on the date sites. To me it suggests that he was looking for something of a genuine connection rather than "just" sex. Turning her down after chasing, getting her genuinely interested, and setting up the date seems like something of a tease type of person move. Then again he may just have felt guilty. As a guy the physical part often "means" more, although it's pretty clear he felt something for her.

 

Make of that what you will. Whatever else may or may not be true from what I and others here have written, I think that the temptation is always going to be there for him. At least until he gains weight or starts balding. So there's that to consider.

[elaine567]

This girl went onto POF looking for a nice man. She meets your gorgeous fiance and no doubt fell in love. He disappears on her, then comes back blaming YOU for finding out about the two of them. She still in love and hurt decides to give him another chance, he is after all just a poor unhappy chap stuck in a loveless engagement with a kid. A kid SHE could love and adore... SHE could kiss your fiance in all his gorgeousness better too. Poor, poor, lovely guy...

 

This is NOT her fault, this is standard cheater behaviour. Hook her in, tell her he loves her, he feels guilty, he pulls away, he ends it, over and over in a loop, she gets more and more hooked, she wants him so much, it is such a relief when he comes back, she gets annoyed but the pull is strong, eventually she will put up with just about anything... She has a prize in mind and that is your fiance... she loves him.

HE was out there looking for your replacement, never ever forget that.

[Curly_locks]

I can't help but be angry at her too. She could have walked away when he told her the truth. HOWEVER, I can't stop reading the conversations. And i will say this. She didn't know about me when they first talked. And I guess they bonded then. Then he seemed to just ghost her for around half a year (why?) Then he comes back to her telling her about me. I guess maybe that mentally F'd her up? Also I have to say, I don't like the way he talked to her sometimes. When they had their little lover tiffs, he called her a few degrading names and used me in a subtle way to make her jealous (saying he's now going to dinner and movies etc. I'm sure she knew it was with me) I'm very confused why he sometimes treated her bad? He was apparently jealous of her possibly dating someone else. Eventho she told him he had stopped her wanting to see the other guy. Oh the irony.

 

I'm angry at him trust me. How dare he!!! He's messed everything up . I'm not sure he really wants to leave me tho. He's begging me to forgive him, and like she even said herself "you've known me all this time, you've had time to think about what to do about me and leave her" She asked him why he joined pof, he said he didn't want to cheat, but just look around. Yeah not Fing good enough , I know. Who does that. I think he wanted to see how many women he could pull if he wanted. I told him if he wants her he can go to her. He's at his brother's and they haven't been talking I don't think (I'm logging into his account)

 

But I don't know what I want yet. I do. I want this to all go away and never happened. I want it to just be a nightmare. I'm not meeting him today, I can't look at him yet. Our daughter is asking for him. I want to tell my mum and sister, I need their support. I've not wanted to to protect him and their opinion on him (they adore him) But I think I need to put me first right now.

[mark clemson]

But I think I need to put me first right now.

 

 

You do. Do what's necessary to help you as you process all this.

[Curly_locks]

This girl went onto POF looking for a nice man. She meets your gorgeous fiance and no doubt fell in love. He disappears on her, then comes back blaming YOU for finding out about the two of them. She still in love and hurt decides to give him another chance, he is after all just a poor unhappy chap stuck in a loveless engagement with a kid. A kid SHE could love and adore... SHE could kiss your fiance in all his gorgeousness better too. Poor, poor, lovely guy...

 

This is NOT her fault, this is standard cheater behaviour. Hook her in, tell her he loves her, he feels guilty, he pulls away, he ends it, over and over in a loop, she gets more and more hooked, she wants him so much, it is such a relief when he comes back, she gets annoyed but the pull is strong, eventually she will put up with just about anything... She has a prize in mind and that is your fiance... she loves him.

HE was out there looking for your replacement, never ever forget that.

 

Yeah I just posted something similar. However how could she/they really be in love? They didn't meet. That's why I say it must be a fantasy? Also it's difficult to feel much sympathy, when she's sending him almost half naked pics , telling him everything they are going to do sexually. Also pretending to care about me/our relationship/women in general. How can she when she was literally getting ready that day to sleep with him?