Fiance acting shady..or am I just paranoid?

[d0nnivain]

At a minimum all the wedding plans needs to be on hold indefinitely.

 

If you are inclined to take him back you will need marriage counseling, lots of transparency -- including access to his phone, email, bank statements & credit reports (so he doesn't go get another card / burner phone), & anger management for him.

 

Only you know what's best for you & your daughter but the strip clubs, the idea that because she was Hispanic too makes this OK, the dating website profile all adds up to an untrustworthy man IMO.

[Veronica73]

Please don't use your father as a measuring stick for other men in your life. You're setting a seriously low bar. How would you feel if your daughter was in a similar situation when she grows up?

 

I understand camillalev's comment, I get a sinking feeling reading your posts and I'm afraid I see where this is going as well. You understandably don't want to have to face separating from him so you're making excuses for what he's done. But consider very carefully if you want to continue to deal with all these issues going forward. It it really not likely at all that this was a one time thing for him, and you know he doesn't hesitate to lie to you.

 

As has been suggested multiple times, take some time away from him to give this serious thought. Stop allowing him access to mess with your head.

 

This. Seriously.

Your father was awful. Just because your fiancé is better than your father doesn’t mean that he is a prize. That is a very low bar. You deserve better.

 

I get a sinking feeling too when reading this.

 

You deserve better. He’s not treating you the way you deserve.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your standards are frighteningly low, OP.

 

Unfortunately, I think you're going to minimize and rationalize his behaviour until you decide to stay. I get that you are still shocked and hurt and having a hard time believing that the man you're in love with doesn't feel the same way about you, but my feeling is that agreeing to stay with him will wind up being one of the biggest regrets in your life.

[notbroken]

It turns out forever is a long time. Your fiance has shown himself to be a very self centered, vindictive, liar, and a cheat (and a possible narcissist but too little info to go on). Those aren't nice words but they are the truth.

 

It won't get better the longer you are married. Likely worse. Much worse. He's shown his colors. Proceed with extreme caution.

 

If I had to pick a number, I'd say the chances are 99.99% sure he will show you these traits again - married or not. Can't be sure when, but people like that will do it again. He believes himself entitled to it. He shows no actual remorse - only remorse at getting caught.

 

Don't be surprised if he is doing this again in a decade - or sooner.

[lana-banana]

At a minimum all the wedding plans needs to be on hold indefinitely.

 

If you are inclined to take him back you will need marriage counseling, lots of transparency -- including access to his phone, email, bank statements & credit reports (so he doesn't go get another card / burner phone)

 

None of this is enough. He can pick up a burner phone from Walmart for like $50 or grab a refurb off of Craigslist with cash. When your partner demonstrates profound and consistent deception---in this case, a separate messaging app AND a dating app AND strip clubs AND years-long communication with someone else AND lying to your face about it---any control you have just pushes them further underground. He'll find other ways to cheat. And he will.

 

I understand the temptation to make excuses for him, or to think that this is something you can work through, but this is an incredibly profound betrayal and he's showed no effort to make it up to you. All you've done is demonstrate that he can walk all over you and you'll never demand better.

 

Your wedding day is supposed to be a deliriously happy one. Do you really want to spend it wondering what he got up to on his bachelor party? Do you want to worry about him texting her every time he goes to the bathroom? What happens when you get in a fight and he says he needs to go for a drive to "cool down" - is he going to text her, or go to her house? Do you really want to look out at your family and friends and wonder which of them know - which of his friends he's talked to about her - or which women he might be flirting with?

[stillafool]

I'm 25 he's 29. Haha well he would deserve to be jealous.

 

 

 

Where? I've not made my mind up. But look. My father was a serial cheater towards my mother. I'm talking having whole double lives, an outside baby, one of his OW was pregnant at the same time as my mother by him. We found out about my half sister just 4 years ago, she's years older than me. He beat mum several times, when she finally left him over 20 yrs later, he used me (the youngest most vulnerable) to get at her. Lied to me to want to be around him, to go on trips etc with him to upset my mum. Then when I got older and started to have questions, he ditched me. It makes me feel stupid to then compare what my fiance has done to that. I'm in no way minimising the pain of emotional affairs, for others or me, but when I think of it in comparison he's an angel. I'm still not sure tho if I can cope with not trusting him etc.

 

Well he's already cheating and you aren't even married yet. He seems to be acting like your father he just hasn't gotten in the thick of it yet (marriage) and it's doubtful this is his last fling. Hey, but you know what you're doing, right?

[elaine567]

YOU have been given a great gift here, an honest insight into this man BEFORE you married him , yet you seem hell bent on ignoring everything he has done... ignoring all the advice given here... all because no doubt you "love" him...

He doesn't love you though does he?

That is the problem you have.

Seven year itch and he is determinedly looking for someone else... YOUR love cannot solve that issue on its own.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Someone who claims to love you would NEVER disrespect you or your relationship.

 

It's as simple as that.

 

Whether or not you want to believe that, is on YOU.

[Mr. Lucky]

it's doubtful this is his last fling.

 

Or most likely his first.

 

OP, anyone who's lived through infidelity will tell you your initial view is tip-of-the-iceberg stuff. In part, your mind does this to protect you, as it's devastating to find out someone you trusted so deeply valued that trust so little. But as time goes by, evidence surfaces and events fall into place.

 

Hate to see you already married when this epiphany occurs. If you're going back to him, do it very slowly and warily...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Orokotikki]

Amen Mr. Lucky.

 

It is much harder to LEAVE after marriage, which actually makes it EASIER for cheaters to cheat. And they know it.

 

Before you commit to ANYTHING please give YOURSELF a commitment to at least 3 or preferably 6 months to decide whether to be with this person.

 

Him having to cancel the wedding stuff, and potentially reschedule it and explain (with honesty!) when necessary could be a good start to him showing penance and that he will put YOU first in his life.

[assertives]

But look. My father was a serial cheater towards my mother. I'm talking having whole double lives, an outside baby, one of his OW was pregnant at the same time as my mother by him. We found out about my half sister just 4 years ago, she's years older than me. He beat mum several times, when she finally left him over 20 yrs later, he used me (the youngest most vulnerable) to get at her. Lied to me to want to be around him, to go on trips etc with him to upset my mum. Then when I got older and started to have questions, he ditched me. It makes me feel stupid to then compare what my fiance has done to that. I'm in no way minimising the pain of emotional affairs, for others or me, but when I think of it in comparison he's an angel. I'm still not sure tho if I can cope with not trusting him etc.

 

You are following in the footsteps of your mother. Your father was probably not that bad once upon a time before your mother married him or had you and now your fiance is "not that bad" in your eyes as well. You are setting an example for your daughter. You should not be comparing cheating on a scale of severity. Cheating is cheating.

 

You should compare with what a healthy relationship should be. Outside of this cheating incident, your fiance is also not treating you with respect, intentionally ignores you when he is mad especially since he knows you hate being ignored, and downright selfish. He's all around garbage (well, at least he has self-awareness, I'll give him that). Your daughter may see her father as the yardstick for her future life partners one day. Consider carefully, with children, alot is caught and not taught.

Edited May 25, 2019 by assertives

[Curly_locks]

I totally understand what everyone is saying about not using my so-called dad as a measuring stick. He's the worst of the worst, but that doesn't mean others aren't bad. I get that, thank you. But I don't think I'm excusing anything. I know everyone thinks I've definitely made my mind up, but I've actually not. I am still processing.

 

Today he took our daughter out to play and see her grandparents. I went on a little outing with my friend. When he arrived, I was looking super hot I have to say haha. Not like the other day where I was a crying mess. Anyway, he wanted to know details of where i was going, saying I look "too good" I was vague. He brought me a beautiful expensive necklace. With it he has me a letter he wrote. I won't bore you all with the details, but it was remembering good times we have had, apologising again, explaining everything he would do to try and fix things. I didn't read it until I came back home, so not commented on it to him.

 

Yeah it pulled at my heart strings. But then i thought "but it didn't stop you from cheating and lieing" And Loveshack words go round in my head "the tip of the iceberg" How do I know what's what, if there's more. I do believe he's not cheated before (don't kill me Loveshack) but things like the strip club, the 18yo fantasy. He knows I'm going to take time to think, and he hasn't been texting and calling since yesterday.

[LenaRea]

Curly - I feel your pain so much. It’s a terrible situation to be in, when the agreements in life you thought were going to be made with a trustworthy, loving partner but it turns out you have to make all the hard decisions yourself.

 

I was put in a similar position with my daughter’s father. I waffled a lot. She was not yet 2 years old and it felt so unfair. I won’t bore you with the details, but I was forever changed because of this betrayal. In an instant. The hard thing to see on your side of it, is that it is not all bad change. Do you have to grow up in a much quicker and painful way than you ever could have dreamed, definitely.

 

What you need to focus on, your needs of course like everyone has said, but your daughter’s needs. Realistically, what life would you prefer for her? Would you want the life where yes her mom and dad are in the same house, but screaming, fighting, angry all the time? That’s what you’re facing. The reality and gravity of what he’s truly done hasn’t been felt yet. Yes, you could take him back, but you need to answer honestly for not only yourself, but for your daughter’s sake, what would you be sacrificing? Your trust, your self respect, a future that you’ve dreamed about, a peaceful loving family home. If you think the situation like you grew up happens from the beginning, you’re wrong. It happens just like this, slowly, the ground shifting inch by inch each year as boundaries get moved. It erodes the foundation. Because make no mistake, the life you wanted with him is gone. That life is a fantasy now. Whether you stay together or not.

 

I highly recommend you picture your family life growing up, close your eyes, really feel it, now picture your daughter’s face instead of yours. Do you want that kind of life for her so that it can be easier on the you and him now? Be honest with yourself. Picture your relationship, exactly as it now, now picture your daughter in your place. As her mother, who loves her more than life, what would you tell her to do? How would you help her through this? Envision a teenage version of your daughter, how will you defend yourself when she questions you about the decision you make? Either way? Really think it through. What answers will you be able to give her? What place do you want to tell her you made your decisions from? Insecurity? Strength? Integrity? Fear?

 

I really recommend you take the time to think it through with your daughter as the focal point of your decisions. Really picture honestly what the future will look like. Make your decisions from that place, from a place of fierce love and loyalty, yes - but love and loyalty to your daughter and what’s best for her future.

 

For me, I couldn’t make a decision knowing I would tell her to do something different. I didn’t want to be that kind of role model for her. I would never want her to think it’s okay for a man to mistreat her, lie to her, cheat her, bully her, disrespect her. If the choice I made meant there would be a point I wouldn’t be able to be honest with her and look her in the eyes, then I knew it was the wrong choice.

 

Good luck Curly. I’m thinking of you and your little girl. I wish you all the best and know we are all here to help support you during the tough decisions.

Edited May 25, 2019 by LenaRea
Edited for grammar!

[oldlion]

I have one piece of advice. If you get back with him and before there is a marriage, GET AN IRON CLAD PREMARITAL AGREEMENT WITH , CARVED IN STONE, INFIDELITY CLAUSE. And make sure you protect yourself financially while waiting for the wedding. If he balks at the premarital agreement then don't marry him. I do wish you well.

 

P.S. Get a shark of an attorney to draw up the premarital.

[bathtub-row]

Curly, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I think your fiancé is right when he said that the two of you started out so young. That is truly the white elephant in the room. The guy is good looking, gets a lot of attention and is at a stage in his life where he’s rethinking his choices. He’s never stretched his wings and flown - and neither have you. You both locked into a long-term relationship, saddled yourselves with the responsibility of a child, and settled into a somewhat mediocre sex life at a very young age. These things don’t bode well for long-term situations. To top that off, a LOT of men in the UK have very arrogant attitudes about women and that has possibly influenced him.

 

All that aside, he has betrayed you in a very horrible way. How will you ever get it out of your head that he announced to the OW that he’s only with you because of the child? That he’s hot to trot for her, and still has feelings?

 

What do you do with all that? It’s your call but the history the two of you have is actually working against you because, if you forgive this and the two of you move forward with your lives, then you’ve got even more years for him to get bored, start looking for new attention, and can easily get it because of his looks.

 

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t forgive this. Believe me when I tell you that your decision now will impact future events and how people view you. Other men will respect you because you sent a clear message that you won’t tolerate cheating in any sense of the word. If you show tolerance, that will get translated into you being someone who can be walked over.

 

As far as him reminiscing about your past, etc, this is just him not wanting change. Men hate that and it rarely has to do with real sentiment. It’s more about deflecting change even though he brought all of this on himself.

 

Btw, you can’t continually deny that he see his daughter. You’re going to need to put some rules in place if this continues. I get the impression you don’t work so you should start thinking about that. I always say that a woman who can’t provide for herself is putting herself at the mercy of someone else. It’s not a good place to be, unfortunately.

[Chaparral]

He has proven that he can lie to you with a straight loving face for at least a year. Everything a cheater says may be a lie. You have to very fun everything they tell you. Actions count not anything he says.

 

Something changed. He was going to date her and was thinking of leaving you. That’s why he changed his mind about haven’t my another baby with you.

 

At your age, sex once a week is close to a sexless marriage. Is this because of you or him? If the two of you aren’t any more attracted to each other than that it will even get worse.

 

Even worse is how he can treat you and her. Google narcissism and carefully consider if he fits the profile. Also google sociopath.

 

Good luck and prayers, I hope the path you choose works out for you and your daughter.

[Tamfana]

... How do I know what's what, if there's more. ...

 

You don't know what's what. Only he knows what's true. Don't pressure yourself, or let him pressure you, to be "over it" right now. It's going to take time. That very state that you are in- hurt and anger plus not knowing and having very good reason to distrust- is the outcome of his lying and then blame-shifting etc when caught.

 

It can't be rushed because dishonesty takes away the sense of security and confidence in another person that can't be just washed off or patched up in a minute. It takes a long period of consistently transparent honest interaction to rebuild what he broke. It takes much longer to rebuild trust than it took to initially have it.

 

Some egos can't tolerate the rebuilding period but some can, I think because they are dedicated to improving themselves and being a good person in general rather than getting wound up in power-plays or battles to protect their ego. Should you decide to give him another chance, it's going to take time for him to rebuild what he broke.

 

You couldn't rush this and instantaneously "get over it" or know and be confident about him if you wanted to.

[BettyDraper]

OP, I grew up in a toxic home with parents who hated each other. My dad was an abusive cheater and my mother was a battleaxe. There were many times that I wished they would get divorced because I was weary of the screaming, weeping, and constant tension in the home. They are still married and at each other's throats.

 

I didn't want to get married until I met my husband because I thought that marriage was awful. I'm sharing this because you need to know what kind of emotional damage your daughter can endure if you stay with your fiance. I'm sure that you don't want her to grow up thinking that women should just tolerate cheating because that's what all men do.

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP, my parents have been married for 40 years and my father was heavily emotionally abusive all that time. He didn't cheat but I lost a lot of respect for my mother for not walking away. As a result, my view of marriage is that it's hell and I have zero desire to ever get married. Marriage=airless chamber of suffocation to me. Please don't do this to your daughter.

[Crazelnut]

Curly, what's going on? You okay?

[Curly_locks]

Thanks for asking about me, Crazelnut. And for the latest posts. I'm sure it's no surprise that I decided to give us another chance. But it's not easy AT.ALL. and sometimes I feel I made a decision too soon. However I made it and will stick with it, unless he messes up again. I've been very depressed, before I made my decision my sister dragged me to the doctors. I'm now on anti depressants and me and him are both waiting for IC and CC. But the list is long and we could be waiting months. Not great.

 

It's been less than a week he's been back home. Out daughter is happy. She's only 2, but she asked for him while he's gone and she's now stuck to him like glue. He's pretty depressed too. I asked if he misses her, he says no, but that he feels guilty for everything he's done and it's making him depressed. I have been asking him a billion questions, and he's stuck by his words. That he wasn't going to meet her, he's in love with me still, has never done anything like this before etc etc.

 

Just before he came back, I was angry and I contacted the OW by the Kik app on a new account. I told her to leave him alone, she's not ever gonna have him and that he loves me. I wouldn't say it was my most proudest moment, but what's done is done. She didn't reply and I think she blocked me. At least I didn't roll up on her in person.

 

I have full access to his phone, and I check it all the time. I of course can't be with him when he's working etc. but I have his account for Kik and log into it on my phone also. He would have to be super quick to delete, or have another way to contact her. Which of course is possible, but have to try to trust. And I don't think he is because I am on his back big time. I've searched his stuff for burners, all of that. This isn't a great way to be living at all. But it's early days and I'm waiting for when I don't have to do all of this anymore.

 

He knows he has to be completely open and honest with me or I'm out. No more shutting down when he's stressed. No name calling. No lieing or putting the blame onto me. He hasn't been anymore, he's taking responsibility and showing remorse. He says it's nothing I done wrong or is wrong with me. He promises to be the man he was, but that he just needs to get through this too. That he's also depressed and needs to heal too . I totally get that, I don't expect him to be normal yet, but I do expect him to stick to the above conditions. And of course no cheating again, goes without saying! oh the wedding is on hold.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm waiting for when I don't have to do all of this anymore.

 

When would that be ?

 

He promises to be the man he was, but that he just needs to get through this too. That he's also depressed and needs to heal too . I totally get that

 

I have to give this guy credit, he's got game. He's got you to see him as a victim of this situation, actually feeling sorry for him. Wow...

 

Curly_locks, you're obviously an empathetic person who cares deeply. Just don't allow that to become a license to be used or taken advantage of.

 

Never settle for less than you deserve...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ExpatInItaly]

This isn't a great way to be living at all. But it's early days and I'm waiting for when I don't have to do all of this anymore.

 

Given how he reacted to being caught, and his current depressed state at losing her - you do realize that you will probably never really feel you don't have to keep an eye on him anymore, no?

 

I'm sorry, OP. I know this is very hard and you want to believe it can work but do be prepared to leave when you feel strong enough. Things are very unlikely to come back together the way you hope they will.

[elaine567]

Oh poor, poor guy...

Depressed and mourning the loss of his OW.

Once he grows his balls back again he will be start looking for her, or for the next one.

You are being naive if you believe any of that guilt BS.

He is upset he got caught and you spoiled his fun. He is not bending over backwards to restore your relationship. No he is "depressed" and needs time to heal...

Once he is back to himself he will want his fun back and he will grow to resent you for trying to control him.

But "controlling" him is all you can do as the trust is gone... there is a lot more to reconciling than just making sure he doesn't stray.

He needs to want to be faithful and stay with you and I am not convinced that he does.

If the child was not in the picture, I think you would be history, sorry to say.

 

I could be wrong, but a second Dday is probably on the cards here.

He said he needs time to heal, so feelings are involved and when feelings are involved it doesn't take much to keep the affair going albeit further underground.

I know you tried to scare her off but sometimes that just results in further bonding against the "common foe" ie you... so do not assume she left with her tail between her legs, nor that they are finished.

Cheaters are human beings, they are clever people, never underestimate them.

[lana-banana]

I have been asking him a billion questions, and he's stuck by his words. That he wasn't going to meet her, he's in love with me still, has never done anything like this before etc etc.

 

This doesn't mean he's being honest, it just means he's sticking to his story.

 

Just before he came back, I was angry and I contacted the OW by the Kik app on a new account. I told her to leave him alone, she's not ever gonna have him and that he loves me. I wouldn't say it was my most proudest moment, but what's done is done. She didn't reply and I think she blocked me. At least I didn't roll up on her in person.

 

You realize this is playing into his hands, right? Now you're officially the psycho girlfriend. He probably told her you went nuts, screaming, were throwing things, had to be stopped from driving over to her house, etc. So now they're both laying low, supposedly out of fear of you.

 

I have full access to his phone, and I check it all the time. I of course can't be with him when he's working etc. but I have his account for Kik and log into it on my phone also. He would have to be super quick to delete, or have another way to contact her.

 

1) He got a new account. Of course he's not going to use the old one, he knows you have access to it.

2) He can keep a burner phone at his office. He can also use encrypted messaging apps with the option to delete messages just seconds after they're sent (like Signal).

3) It could be as simple as a new private email account. If he logs in using incognito mode or he deletes his history/cookies regularly, you won't know that he's doing it.

 

He knows he has to be completely open and honest with me or I'm out.

 

The opposite is true. He knows he can cheat on you while you sleep next to him and you'll still take him back. You are absolutely kidding yourself if you think it's over. This is guaranteed to happen again, whether it's with this woman or another one.

 

No more shutting down when he's stressed. No name calling. No lieing or putting the blame onto me.

 

Cheating aside, why would you ever accept name calling from someone? That's mean and disgusting and borderline abusive.

 

He promises to be the man he was, but that he just needs to get through this too. That he's also depressed and needs to heal too

 

This is so appalling. He says he's "depressed" and "needs to heal" because you restricted access to his favorite toy. This isn't showing remorse and taking responsibility, it's blaming you for what happened---the exact thing you just said he wasn't going to do anymore!

 

oh the wedding is on hold.

 

This, at least, is a blessing.