Fiance acting shady..or am I just paranoid?

[Curly_locks]

When would that be ?

 

 

 

I have to give this guy credit, he's got game. He's got you to see him as a victim of this situation, actually feeling sorry for him. Wow...

 

Curly_locks, you're obviously an empathetic person who cares deeply. Just don't allow that to become a license to be used or taken advantage of.

 

Never settle for less than you deserve...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm not sure when it will be, but if I feel like I have to check on him forever it won't work. But it's the very early days. I don't see him as the victim honestly. I feel bad for him when I can see the pain in his eyes, can see him unhappy. I love him so even though this is his fault, it doesn't fill me with glee to see him unhappy. But I'm still the victim in this not him.

 

Oh poor, poor guy...

Depressed and mourning the loss of his OW.

Once he grows his balls back again he will be start looking for her, or for the next one.

You are being naive if you believe any of that guilt BS.

He is upset he got caught and you spoiled his fun. He is not bending over backwards to restore your relationship. No he is "depressed" and needs time to heal...

Once he is back to himself he will want his fun back and he will grow to resent you for trying to control him.

But "controlling" him is all you can do as the trust is gone... there is a lot more to reconciling than just making sure he doesn't stray.

He needs to want to be faithful and stay with you and I am not convinced that he does.

If the child was not in the picture, I think you would be history, sorry to say.

 

I could be wrong, but a second Dday is probably on the cards here.

He said he needs time to heal, so feelings are involved and when feelings are involved it doesn't take much to keep the affair going albeit further underground.

I know you tried to scare her off but sometimes that just results in further bonding against the "common foe" ie you... so do not assume she left with her tail between her legs, nor that they are finished.

Cheaters are human beings, they are clever people, never underestimate them.

 

He says the mourning has nothing to do with her. He says it's guilt for what he's done to me, and that he's ashamed of the person he became. He says he feels like he's grieving what was with us and who he thought he was. Of course these are his words and I can't say 100% truth. Wether he misses her I don't know for sure. I obviously wouldn't like it, but I'd even KINDA understand if he does as long as he doesn't act on it. I do believe him that he feels guilty. Why wouldn't he? I know he wants to be with me and not just for our daughter. He really is showing remorse, I'm not sure how I can put it into words for people here to believe, but I do see it. If he ever does it again, I'm gone and she or whoever else can have him.

 

This doesn't mean he's being honest, it just means he's sticking to his story.

 

 

 

You realize this is playing into his hands, right? Now you're officially the psycho girlfriend. He probably told her you went nuts, screaming, were throwing things, had to be stopped from driving over to her house, etc. So now they're both laying low, supposedly out of fear of you.

 

 

 

1) He got a new account. Of course he's not going to use the old one, he knows you have access to it.

2) He can keep a burner phone at his office. He can also use encrypted messaging apps with the option to delete messages just seconds after they're sent (like Signal).

3) It could be as simple as a new private email account. If he logs in using incognito mode or he deletes his history/cookies regularly, you won't know that he's doing it.

 

 

 

The opposite is true. He knows he can cheat on you while you sleep next to him and you'll still take him back. You are absolutely kidding yourself if you think it's over. This is guaranteed to happen again, whether it's with this woman or another one.

 

 

 

Cheating aside, why would you ever accept name calling from someone? That's mean and disgusting and borderline abusive.

 

 

 

This is so appalling. He says he's "depressed" and "needs to heal" because you restricted access to his favorite toy. This isn't showing remorse and taking responsibility, it's blaming you for what happened---the exact thing you just said he wasn't going to do anymore!

 

 

 

This, at least, is a blessing.

 

She can see me as a psycho girlfriend all she wants. What she thinks of me is no concern to me. I have many words to describe her also, and they aren't all polite. All of those things you say are POSSIBLE, but it's unlikely. She was majorly hurt and mad at him, abandoned again, I doubt she would even welcome him again if he wanted it. In fact she sent him a goodbye msg and even suggested he proposes to me! (She doesn't know he already had and we had a wedding planned! ) she said the best way to express love is to miss someone, or some BS like that, He let her down a lot , she didn't get her date and dirty sex. That then made her start acting innocent again, pretending she wouldn't be his mistress anyway. Yeah right, she begged for it and he never went through with it. So I think she's moved on now.

 

The name calling doesn't happen much. but it shouldn't happen at all. Im not accepting it anymore. It only happens when he feels like I'm stressing him out too much, going at him,nagging. He hasn't done it in this situation. It's been a few months since he acted like that. He promises to admit to it in therapy, and using techniques when he feels frustrated. Before Dday he already researched how to control frustration so that it hopefully wont happen anymore.

 

He isn't blaming me, honestly! He's telling me daily it's not my fault. That it's nothing I've done or lacked and that it's all on him. He says he needs to heal from how he feels about himself and what he's done to me.

 

I'm curious why everyone thinks our relationship is hopeless? I appreciate any opinions and advice. But I wonder why some relationships seem savable and not others? What hes done is bad, but how is it worse than others on here? He hasn't been physical, he's not a serial cheater, so I'm wondering what it is?

 

Also I maybe sound weak or whatever on here. But I'm really not being weak towards him. If you asked him, he would tell you I'm not making everything easy for him, as I shouldn't be.

[BaileyB]

If I may, I would share a particularly insightful comment from another discussion written by starswillshine. She writes as the mother of four children, who had the courage to walk away after her husband of 20 years cheated on her... Not sure if she’s been following this discussion, but her words of wisdom may be helpful here...

 

This man has shown you who he is. He is a cheater.

 

I saw the writing on the wall. I knew this OW would go and there would be others. As much begging and pleading that he was a different man now, I knew there was no way to ever trust that. And I knew this was who he was. He would never be satisfied with one woman. And he no desire to be satisfied with just one woman.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/684705-rough-place-thoughts-appreciated-29.html

[elaine567]

You are not even married and you need to attend IC and CC for a very serious relationship issue...

Wake Up...

[stillafool]

Of course he isn't going to admit that he is depressed because he misses OW. What idiot would admit to that? He knows that would get him thrown out. You were wrong to go after the OW because she isn't the one committed to you. He is the problem but you are not a victim because you willingly put up with him. You aren't even married yet and already he has cheated and you both are depressed for different reasons. Not only that you are no longer his gf but more like his mother since you are now parenting him. What a happy family you will make.

[BluEyeL]

I’m sorry this happened to you. Some version of it happened to me and I also took him back. It was good for a year and then he did it again. And again. And again.

 

You’re going to either break up later, because he WILL cheat again, based on his “apology”. Or you’ll put up with a lifetime of cheating. If you have more kids with him you’ll be even more stuck. He will want to have more kids so he can make it harder for you to leave. Have you and his family and sexual variety as well.

[Curly_locks]

Hmm well I just looked at her profile. She just today changed her name on there, changing her last name to just initials. Why? I know it sounds silly, but she only downloaded the app for him (he asked her to) is she trying to signal him or something? To say she's still on there or something? I don't understand why she done that, when it's probably only him that she talked to on there. She said that app was stupid and only got it for him. Wtf.

[Orokotikki]

Make a commitment to yourself not to decide for some time whether you are going to reconcile with him.

 

People can change and reconciliation can happen, but during the engagement should be one of the time's the relationship is at its strongest (that is why many think it is hopeless).

 

There are very few reconciled couples on LS, you might want to crosspost on SI.

 

You both need IC, whether getting married or not.

 

The other thing, is cheaters are often repeat offenders, and just because you (perhaps) caught it early, doesn't mean he wouldn't have gone through with it (just what might he have done at his bachelor party, hmmm?) - but more to the point as hard as it is to perhaps leave him now it will be even harder (logistically, emotionally) to leave him after you are married.

 

You say if he does it again you are gone - have your actions shown this so far? He needs to see consequences. The danger is that there was a point when you were dating when you would have been gone if he did this, you say you are done if he does this again, but next time, being that it will be harder to leave, will a ONS be forgivable?

 

IC can give you help you with developing self-reliance and boundaries, and him to root out why he was really OK with this and to change.

 

I am not against reconciliation entirely, and it certainly is harder to leave with a kid (would be even harder with 2, wouldn't it?), but be careful and take time to discern the long term. It can also be harder to prevent resentment - the next big fight about something everyday couples might fight over will you be angry and resent you stayed?

 

Even going for R, if you were my sister I might urge you to cancel rather than postpone the wedding to show the gravity of what he has done.

 

Also - even though he seems 'remorseful' - be careful to gauge his ACTIONS rather than his WORDS. He says his mourning has nothing to do with her? Maybe, maybe not, at this point I certainly wouldn't take him at his word.

 

Its a long road and I wish you the best.

 

(If it is worth anything for context I am a BH whose fWW had a several month PA after ~6 yrs of marriage, ~10 years together.)

[BluEyeL]

Hmm well I just looked at her profile. She just today changed her name on there, changing her last name to just initials. Why? I know it sounds silly, but she only downloaded the app for him (he asked her to) is she trying to signal him or something? To say she's still on there or something? I don't understand why she done that, when it's probably only him that she talked to on there. She said that app was stupid and only got it for him. Wtf.

 

Just leave her alone. She doesn’t matter. Next tine he will cheat with someone else.

[Curly_locks]

You are not even married and you need to attend IC and CC for a very serious relationship issue...

Wake Up...

 

. You aren't even married yet and already he has cheated and you both are depressed for different reasons. Not only that you are no longer his gf but more like his mother since you are now parenting him. What a happy family you will make.

 

So it seems this is the main issue people see? That it's happening before marriage?

 

I’m sorry this happened to you. Some version of it happened to me and I also took him back. It was good for a year and then he did it again. And again. And again.

 

You’re going to either break up later, because he WILL cheat again, based on his “apology”. Or you’ll put up with a lifetime of cheating. If you have more kids with him you’ll be even more stuck. He will want to have more kids so he can make it harder for you to leave. Have you and his family and sexual variety as well.

 

Ugh really? When I was young I used to believe the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" that kinda went out the window. Cause a very close family member of mine cheated on her ex husband several times. They were not happy together. But she ends up leaving him and meeting her husband now. They have been together 12 ,years, are in a great relationship and I know she's never cheated. I honestly would bet everything that she never would on him. I do think sometimes people make "mistakes" (I know it's not really a mistake as such, it's not like spilling a drink) but sometimes people do just F up. But sometimes it's who people are. I'm obviously hoping and praying that im right that my fiance falls into the first category.

[Curly_locks]

Just leave her alone. She doesn’t matter. Next tine he will cheat with someone else.

 

I'm not contacting her, but is she doing it for him somehow? I don't know why changing her name would make him msg her. But I feel like it was for some kind of signal to him, maybe to let him know she's still on there. It's really annoyed me and I know that's stupid. I want to know why.

[BaileyB]

When I was young I used to believe the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" that kinda went out the window. Cause a very close family member of mine cheated on her ex husband several times. They were not happy together. But she ends up leaving him and meeting her husband now. They have been together 12 ,years, are in a great relationship and I know she's never cheated. I honestly would bet everything that she never would on him.

 

I have a friend who did that. They both left their marriages and they have been together now for a few years. Both nice people, would give you the shirt of their backs. I wouldn’t trust them though... not with my life.

 

When people show you who they really are, you had best believe them.

[elaine567]

Your close family member cheated on her ex several times because she wasn't happy, then she met her now husband she got happy and she hasn't ever cheated on him.

 

Your fiance cheated on you and is as depressed as hell, so what does that tell you?

[Orokotikki]

Maybe she realized she might get found out by you or other BS and looked up on white pages and visited, or outed to her own SO and wants to minimize her visibility.

[Orokotikki]

Your close family member cheated on her ex several times because she wasn't happy, then she met her now husband she got happy and she hasn't ever cheated on him.

 

Your fiance cheated on you and is as depressed as hell, so what does that tell you?

Also, this family member may have gotten better at hiding their cheating... who knows.

 

One of my sisters has a total loser boyfriend (not getting started about it) but when confronted with what those faults might mean for their future - she goes on about how her BF's sister is soo much worse and addicted to heroine or etc...

 

Bottom line is it doesn't matter. If you want to play statistics, you can get guidance, but just because you might win the lottery or someone you know did, doesn't mean you will, in a lifetime of buying tickets.

 

BTW hope you read my longer post, 2 posts ago.

Edited June 6, 2019 by Orokotikki
typo

[Mr. Lucky]

It's really annoyed me and I know that's stupid. I want to know why.

 

Really only two ways to go -

 

- If you really are going to forgive him and move forward, stop with the sleuthing. Work on yourself and the relationship in IC and RC.

 

- if you honestly feel the need to keep checking apps, his phone, his social media, etc. - walk away. That self-preservation instinct is there for a reason

 

Anything else is crazy-making and will sabotage your chances for a successful reconciliation - if that's what you really want...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tamfana]

Thanks for asking about me, Crazelnut. And for the latest posts. I'm sure it's no surprise that I decided to give us another chance. But it's not easy AT.ALL. and sometimes I feel I made a decision too soon. However I made it and will stick with it, unless he messes up again.

 

I understand that decision, especially as you described your daughter's feelings. I also had young children when my ex and I broke up and I felt I had to give it every chance I could so that I knew I had given it my best. Good luck. It's not easy but you're doing all you can.

[lana-banana]

I don't believe "once a cheater always a cheater" either. I believe it's possible to make a mistake one time. But that involves one time---not a year-long campaign of deception, of talk of being together in the long-term, of lying about your relationship (to her and to you), texting her while you're in bed together, even showing off your child together. That indicates he doesn't respect you at all. Now that you've taken him back, it's only a matter of time before he does it again, if he hasn't already.

 

Maybe she changed her profile because she's afraid you're stalking her? Why wouldn't she delete her profile entirely if she was only using it to communicate with him? Does he have a new profile he's using to contact her? Is he using a phone emulator tool on a desktop to text her?

 

Staying in this relationship means you're going to have to deal with questions like that for the rest of your life without ever getting a satisfactory answer. And that is, as Mr. Lucky put it, "crazy-making".

[Crazelnut]

I'm not contacting her, but is she doing it for him somehow? I don't know why changing her name would make him msg her. But I feel like it was for some kind of signal to him, maybe to let him know she's still on there. It's really annoyed me and I know that's stupid. I want to know why.

 

I was a cheater, and I cheated with a MM. We used to do stuff like that all the time, as a signal. Just a little nudge. We also created second fake social media accounts that we used to communicate, sometimes indirectly like that. You only have access to the accounts you know about. There are a million ways for an insecure unhappy person to get their ego stroked.

[stillafool]

Hmm well I just looked at her profile. She just today changed her name on there, changing her last name to just initials. Why? I know it sounds silly, but she only downloaded the app for him (he asked her to) is she trying to signal him or something? To say she's still on there or something? I don't understand why she done that, when it's probably only him that she talked to on there. She said that app was stupid and only got it for him. Wtf.

 

God, now you're not only policing him but her as well. How do you have time for this? Is he really worth all of this just to have a man around?

[ExpatInItaly]

I was a cheater, and I cheated with a MM. We used to do stuff like that all the time, as a signal. Just a little nudge. We also created second fake social media accounts that we used to communicate, sometimes indirectly like that. You only have access to the accounts you know about. There are a million ways for an insecure unhappy person to get their ego stroked.

 

This.

 

I know a man who has cheated on his wife multiple times with at least a few different women, and his wife mistakenly believes it's only been one woman. It really isn't that hard to take cheating underground and become more skilled at hiding it.

 

OP, the truth is you have no clue if your fiance or his affair partner have been even remotely honest with you about which apps they use, why she downloaded it, who she talks to on there, and so on. You know you cannot take his word for sh*t, and she is very unlikely to be honest with you.

 

And really, what she does is only relevant because your fiance is in love with her. None of what she does can really make any difference without his attachment to and involvement with her. He is still the much bigger problem in your life.

[ExpatInItaly]

He says the mourning has nothing to do with her.

Well, this is malarkey. Of course it has something to do with her; it has a lot to do with her. And as you learned the very hard way, he says a lot of things that are utterly false.

 

I'm curious why everyone thinks our relationship is hopeless? I appreciate any opinions and advice. But I wonder why some relationships seem savable and not others? What hes done is bad, but how is it worse than others on here? He hasn't been physical, he's not a serial cheater, so I'm wondering what it is?

What are you pretending not to see, OP?

 

Look, this wasn't a random one-nighter in a bar after too many tequila shots. He had been on dating apps looking for other women. He found one. This was an ongoing affair, with a lot of feelings involved. He didn't stop until you stopped it. He devalued you and your daughter to his Other Woman. He worked for an entire year to lie to you and hide things. He deflected when you caught him, and essentially tried to blame you. He was aggressive and rude to you. He didn't show remorse until after he realized he "should." For someone to behave the way he did, there's really not a lot of hope for a happy reconciliation. His level of disrespect for you and his emotional detachment from you and the family you have created is what makes it much less likely to come back together - and much more likely to happen again.

 

I don't think he's done with her, nor do I think she has moved on. I also don't believe for a moment he's never physically cheated on you, or that this was his first indiscretion. I agree it's the first one you know about, yes, but not the first time he's done it. He was too brazen to have been a total noob at cheating, in my opinion.

[mark clemson]

Just IMO but I think the real time to be vigilant isn't now but in 6 months or so. Once things have died down look for a 2nd burner phone or similar. Check everywhere you can without letting him know first. Then call on your right as a BS to check everywhere you couldn't get to on your own (car, etc).

 

And suggest you keep on checking periodically.

 

It's just very easy for a good looking man to get validation, e.g. via flirting and then for that to lead to something else. So the temptation unfortunately is not likely to go away anytime too soon.

[stillafool]

Your close family member cheated on her ex several times because she wasn't happy, then she met her now husband she got happy and she hasn't ever cheated on him.

 

Your fiance cheated on you and is as depressed as hell, so what does that tell you?

 

:lmao:I was thinking the same thing. I wonder if OP knows that her post was winning the case for him and the OW. OP go back and read what you wrote about your family member. You would be the husband she divorced in that scenario.

[Timshel]

People say I am beautiful, and I know I am attractive but. He is extremely good looking, like in the top percentage for men.

 

 

He is ugly on the inside though.

 

 

Curly, you could be the most beautiful woman in the world, so what? This is not a competition of who is the prettiest.

 

Where is your daughter in all of this? Worrying over whether or not he is still cheating, or going to cheat and checking the other woman's social media.

Where does this leave you at the end of the day? First thing in the morning checking his phone, last at night while falling asleep, checking his phone. The hours that you need sleep, half awake with one eye open. During the day while he is at work, checking.

 

Where is your daughter in all of this muck?

 

I hope you soon tire of this nonsense and let this guy go. Handsome men are a dime a dozen. Your daughter deserves better than this. There will come a time you look back and realize the amount of bs you put yourself and daughter through for this moron are years you will never get back.

[Curly_locks]

Your close family member cheated on her ex several times because she wasn't happy, then she met her now husband she got happy and she hasn't ever cheated on him.

 

Your fiance cheated on you and is as depressed as hell, so what does that tell you?

 

:lmao:I was thinking the same thing. I wonder if OP knows that her post was winning the case for him and the OW. OP go back and read what you wrote about your family member. You would be the husband she divorced in that scenario.

 

Right, well then why is he here? He doesn't have to be. And no it's not just our daughter cause he knows I wouldn't make things difficult for her sake. I wouldn't be the type to not let him see her or anything and he KNOWS it. Nobody is holding him hostage with a gun to the head. I told him straight he's free to be with her if that's what she wants, he beg me no. He fed her some BS including that he was only with with me for our daughter.

 

Maybe she realized she might get found out by you or other BS and looked up on white pages and visited, or outed to her own SO and wants to minimize her visibility.

 

No she already has been found out. It was like a week ago I msged her, and it had her full name. She only made the changes today. She apparently stopped seeing the guy she was seeing when he came back. Shes single. I believe she wants his attention.

 

Also, this family member may have gotten better at hiding their cheating... who knows.

 

BTW hope you read my longer post, 2 posts ago.

 

Oh no, she hasn't ever cheated on him. Trust me I know. She has no desire to. Not that this is relevant - just thought I'd answer that. I did read it thank you

 

God, now you're not only policing him but her as well. How do you have time for this? Is he really worth all of this just to have a man around?

 

Seriously? Just a man around? It's not just a man. He's my fiance, first and only love, father to my daughter. This isn't a man I've been dating a few months! I wouldn't call looking on her profile policing but ok.

 

I just feel like a few of you are a bit harsh. Acting like I'm stupid to want to save a 7 year relationship with a toddler. That it should be easy to just walk away. Honestly that's crazy to me.