Fiance acting shady..or am I just paranoid?

[Curly_locks]

 

Where is your daughter in all of this muck?

 

 

Honestly, she's the happiest little girl you could meet. She will always come first, she's not unhappy and I'd never let her be because of me. We aren't letting this all affect how we are treating her or anything like that.

[stillafool]

Right, well then why is he here? He doesn't have to be. And no it's not just our daughter cause he knows I wouldn't make things difficult for her sake. I wouldn't be the type to not let him see her or anything and he KNOWS it. Nobody is holding him hostage with a gun to the head. I told him straight he's free to be with her if that's what she wants, he beg me no. He fed her some BS including that he was only with with me for our daughter.

 

You are policing him night and day so he isn't free to see her, stop playing.

 

No she already has been found out. It was like a week ago I msged her, and it had her full name. She only made the changes today. She apparently stopped seeing the guy she was seeing when he came back. Shes single. I believe she wants his attention.

 

You are preoccupied with her and trying to find out if she's sending him private signals. No he isn't free you are watching his every move.

 

 

Seriously? Just a man around? It's not just a man. He's my fiance, first and only love, father to my daughter. This isn't a man I've been dating a few months! I wouldn't call looking on her profile policing but ok.

 

So what? That doesn't mean you have to put up with cheating just to have a man in your life. That is whether he is your fiance, baby daddy or just some bloke off the street. If you were already married I might say go to counseling but we are trying to help you not make a mistake by marrying a man who is very emotionally and probably physically involved with another woman.

I just feel like a few of you are a bit harsh. Acting like I'm stupid to want to save a 7 year relationship with a toddler. That it should be easy to just walk away. Honestly that's crazy to me.

 

 

He will always be your toddler's daddy whether he is with you or not, whether you save the relationship or not. No one said it's easy to walk away but it's crazy for you to stay.

[BaileyB]

Look, this wasn't a random one-nighter in a bar after too many tequila shots. He had been on dating apps looking for other women. He found one. This was an ongoing affair, with a lot of feelings involved. He didn't stop until you stopped it. He devalued you and your daughter to his Other Woman. He worked for an entire year to lie to you and hide things. He deflected when you caught him, and essentially tried to blame you. He was aggressive and rude to you. He didn't show remorse until after he realized he "should." For someone to behave the way he did, there's really not a lot of hope for a happy reconciliation.

 

This is exactly why I would end it. Well written.

[Timshel]

This is exactly why I would end it. Well written.

 

 

Yes, all truth @ExpatInItaly.

 

Curly_locks has made her decision to stay.

 

Now after nearly every poster has warned OP; we are to help her police her liar fiance.

 

Curly will need to find her way.

[BaileyB]

Curly_locks has made her decision to stay.

 

Curly will need to find her way.

 

Very true.

 

Curly, nobody here wants to see you end a seven year relationship or break up your daughters home. We are simply trying to impress upon you, there are BIG red flags here that will be dismissed at your own risk. And, sleeping with one eye open is no way to live your life... things that you will learn with time, no doubt.

 

Best of luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

Right, well then why is he here? He doesn't have to be.

 

He's there because he wants to be. And I'd guess he'll stay as long as you'll have him, I'm sure he enjoys the life you provide.

 

Problem will always be, you and your family aren't all he wants - or requires. Like many motivated cheaters, he compartmentalizes the world into you and them, one from Column A and one from Column B.

 

He may very well be able to make you and your daughter feel loved and well-provided for. As long as you don't also require fidelity and exclusivity, no reason why you can't go ahead with the relationship.

 

Just understand the deal you're signing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

He may very well be able to make you and your daughter feel loved and well-provided for. As long as you don't also require fidelity and exclusivity, no reason why you can't go ahead with the relationship.

 

Just understand the deal you're signing...

 

Except, she does require fidelity from him... Which is why, she is checking his phone and she has emailed the OW to tell her to stay away....

 

The sad truth is, where there is a will, there is a way... You can’t stop him from cheating OP. If you decide to stay, the only thing you can do is be prepared to enforce a boundary if/when he steps out of line again...

[Crazelnut]

Dang it, Curly. You are so deep into this man that you are totally ignoring everything your gut instinct is screaming at you. You are choosing to believe a known liar. This really makes me sad, because we all know you're in for major heartbreak down the road. It won't be any time soon, but it will happen. His need for "(ego) strokes from strange" is so apparent. Your response to this just makes me shake my head. Sigh.

[elaine567]

Like many motivated cheaters, he compartmentalizes the world into you and them, one from Column A and one from Column B.

 

Mr Lucky is correct, if you want a man then you have a man, if you want a faithful man then this guy isn't the man for you.

[camillalev]

When you’ve got rose colored glasses on, red flags just look like flags.

 

Nobody knows just how hard leaving a years long relationship with kids like some of the people on here. Many people here have gone through the same, made the same mistakes you’re making now, and learned the hard way not to ignore the red flags. They’re trying to save you from the pain and heartbreak of going through this again, feeling stupid and naive for believing him, never feeling secure, and blaming yourself when it goes under.

 

Many here have seen people like you come in and out of these forums - that’s why a lot of people come here, for relationship advice. It’s usually the same story. How do you think we knew you’d take him back. I’ve seen it plenty of times, it’s like clockwork.

 

But I also get why you’re trying so hard to see the reality you want to see. You’re personally involved and have a lot at stake - Like you said, a 7 year relationship with a toddler is a lot. But that’s also why the rest of us can see the bare reality for what it is that you can’t or won’t - were objective, were not being clouded by emotions and all the things at stake. But People here who’ve seen this story play through or have experienced the same are trying to save you from the inevitable.

[ExpatInItaly]

Right, well then why is he here? He doesn't have to be.

 

Because for the time being, it's easier. He doesn't have to completely shake up his life, find new housing for himself (or you and your daughter), go to a lawyer and figure out custody or child support. Deal with the hellfire that would rain down on him once your family and friends find out he's a cheater. Sleep alone every night, have nobody around to help with cooking, cleaning and day-to-day responsibilities.

 

He might get there one day, where he's ready to deal with all of the above and end the relationship and move on to the next woman, but he wasn't ready to do it on your timeline when you discovered him. This is a guy who acts on his own best interests. He isn't that bothered about yours or your daughter's.

 

Stay if you wish, but as the others have advised, be aware that you're signing up for a hard and painful life with this man. It won't be the way it was, nor will it become the happy family you so badly want. It hasn't been that way for a while, really; you only just got the memo that he doesn't love you that way. It's been a facade for a long time, though.

[SpiceCat]

He says the mourning has nothing to do with her. He says it's guilt for what he's done to me, and that he's ashamed of the person he became.

 

Was he sad and depressed before he got caught? If not then he's lying. He's only upset that he got caught.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[SummerDreams]

I just read this story and would really want to know how the OP is doing.

[Curly_locks]

Hey guys, looking for some support! Tomorrow night my SO is going to his friend's birthday party and it's a men only thing. I'm freaking out, I feel panicky. I shouldn't be cause we've been doing the work on our relationship. I have access to his stuff online, phone etc. and at first I was obsessed with checking. I'm not obsessed now, but I still check randomly and there is no signs or anything. I can't say it's been 100% back to normal, but it's been better. We've both been happier, he's put in effort to fix things and our sex life is crazy good, it's like back before I became pregnant in the bedroom. The OW is fully blocked on everything and all apps deleted.

 

But this is the first time he has gone for a night out without me. He's admitted that they will probably go to a club, but promises he won't go to strip club. I believe that he never cheated before OW, which was just an emotional online thing, but yet I'm still freaking out. I don't know why really, when I believe he hasn't done anything physical or cheated when he's been out in the past. I think it's cause we've been in our own bubble or whatever, he goes to work then go home, we spend time as a family, the only night out we've had is either with our daughter seeing family or both of us together not him alone. I don't want him to go. Today he said he won't go cause he can tell I'm stressed. I said no he should go, cause really he's not doing wrong. I convinced him that it's fine.

 

Is it normal to feel this way after everything? Any tips on not having panic attack??

[Californiamom]

Is it normal to feel this way after everything? Any tips on not having panic attack??

 

I just read your whole thread. Welcome to the club you never wanted to be in. No, it's not normal to feel this way. Why? Because you will never feel "normal" again with this guy. Ever.

You can rug sweep all you want, trust me, I know..that's what I'm doing with my SO. D-day 1 turns into D-day 5 if you let it. Your fiance exhibits classic cheater behavior. Textbook really. Reading through this whole thread is so familiar for so many of us unfortunately. Believe me, I NEVER thought my bf would cheat. In fact, I thought that was so impossible that I didn't even see the blatant signs that he was. Because he would never do that right? Somehow you think your relationship is different. I promise you it's not. I feel he probably cheated for so long that he even just slacked off... kind of like what your boyfriend did laying in bed next to you texting OW, he became brazen about it. It became easy. I can tell you from experience that this is absolutely not the 1st time he cheated on you. I know I should take my own advice as well, it's much easier to read it from a different perspective. I really do hope the best for you, and I believe you have already, but I would absolutely not marry him and hold off on having another child. If you don't have a job get one and become a little bit independent for you AND your daughter.

[Veronica73]

I think it’s perfectly normal to be worried based on how he betrayed you. I guess the good thing is that he sounds like he is trying to make up for it.

 

You’ve decided you’re going to stick with him. So you’re going to have to find some way to get through these times, you know? This isn’t going to be the only time. He messed this up for you. This is probably the way you are going to be for a long, long, long time. Until he proves he’s grown and is trustworthy. It’s too soon for that.

 

I don’t know what to say, except distract yourself. Also, it sounds like the way he strayed before was a lot different than going out with his friends. But I think it’s completely normal and expected to be upset and worried in your situation. And also...it’s his fault that you are feeling this way. He caused this. So don’t add feeling guilty for not trusting him on top of all the other bad feelings.

[Mr. Lucky]

Today he said he won't go cause he can tell I'm stressed. I said no he should go, cause really he's not doing wrong. I convinced him that it's fine.

 

If he offered to not go because it's too soon for both of you, why not accept his suggestion?

 

Keeping him from doing the right thing doesn't seem like it helps your recovery. And before you say "I don't want to be that kind of person", that ship has sailed...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

I agree with Mr Lucky, I think if he offered not to go then accept it.

You are still raw and bleeding, no point in getting back into the fight yet if you don't need to.

 

A men's only birthday party? I wonder what that entails?

Why would he put you through that?

Maybe he should NOT have gone to the party and NOT have mentioned it to you either.

He should have had the sense to realise that that would be a massive trigger for you and swerved it.

That would have been the kind and understanding thing for him to do.

He is throwing you in at the deep end.

 

It is in the cheater's mentality to rug sweep, to want to carry on as normal.

You are being the martyr, staying at home absorbing all the hurt on your own, meanwhile he will be out enjoying a lap dance...

There is no easy fix here.

It could take years before you trust him again. Many never get it back 100%.

Are you in counselling?

[Curly_locks]

I just read your whole thread. Welcome to the club you never wanted to be in. No, it's not normal to feel this way. Why? Because you will never feel "normal" again with this guy. Ever.

You can rug sweep all you want, trust me, I know..that's what I'm doing with my SO. D-day 1 turns into D-day 5 if you let it. Your fiance exhibits classic cheater behavior. Textbook really. Reading through this whole thread is so familiar for so many of us unfortunately. Believe me, I NEVER thought my bf would cheat. In fact, I thought that was so impossible that I didn't even see the blatant signs that he was. Because he would never do that right? Somehow you think your relationship is different. I promise you it's not. I feel he probably cheated for so long that he even just slacked off... kind of like what your boyfriend did laying in bed next to you texting OW, he became brazen about it. It became easy. I can tell you from experience that this is absolutely not the 1st time he cheated on you. I know I should take my own advice as well, it's much easier to read it from a different perspective. I really do hope the best for you, and I believe you have already, but I would absolutely not marry him and hold off on having another child. If you don't have a job get one and become a little bit independent for you AND your daughter.

 

Thanks for reading my thread and replying. Sorry for what you're going through btw. It's not that I think our relationship is so different really, it's just I do really believe he's never done this before. I know everyone else here probably thinks I'm wrong and that's fine, but I do believe that for a few reasons. On the subject of if he ever do it again... I really would be a fool to say no way. But I really hope not. All I can do is look out for the signs I guess. Just like before, the truth comes out eventually and this is definitely his last chance. Yes wedding is cancelled for now and in all honesty the thought of having another baby anytime soon doesn't even excite me anymore. All the best for you.

 

If he offered to not go because it's too soon for both of you, why not accept his suggestion?

 

Are you in counselling?

 

Yes I admitted to him it was too much. He didn't go and he was really good about it. He said we are more important than a party. I think we are going in the right direction, but I'm not putting my guard down yet, who knows when I will or if I ever should! Still on a waiting list for counselling, which will probably take another few weeks. My best friend still hates him and stays away from him. My sister isn't his biggest fan either and is not the same with him. That's a bummer, but that's what happens i guess. They have respected my choice, but my friend doesn't even want to talk about him. She just either rolls her eyes or smiles when I mention him. Another issue that needs to be worked out eventually. I know the would be there if I needed there support about the relationship, but when it comes to anything else related to him no. It's bothering me, but I have to concentrate on our recovery first I guess.

 

Thanks guys.

[mark clemson]

From what I hear on here frequently, be a bit cautious once you do get the CC. Apparently some of them understand the BS dynamic a lot better than others and may try to downplay his actions or rugsweep your feelings "in the interests of the relationship". Guess I'm saying be sure they are supportive of you as a BS. Maybe others can chime in with more detail on this.

 

I don't mean to be negative, but I suspect you will need to keep an eye on him for a long time. If he's really as good looking as you say there will always be temptations for him to at least flirt. At least until he goes bald or gets a pot belly one day. Not saying he will stray - almost losing you was probably a bit traumatic for him. But women tend to flirt IME.