Caught between mother and gf

[JustSomeGuy001]

I moved with my gf 1 year ago.

Unfortunately, my mother had no job then, so I continued to pay for my old house utilities and even things like food and other basic needs.

She got a job eventually, with a very small salary, but should be enough to pay for basic things like those I mentioned.

Still, she never mentioned she would like to pay for them.

 

I live with my gf in rent, so I was always afraid of keeping cash money there, so I always left them at my mother's house and she always took from there for her utilities and food. She still takes them without even hinting she should take from her own salary now.

 

I know this is not right. I stress out because of this day by day, because I find it so weird that I need to tell this to her, I hoped and hoped she will say something by herself.

 

On the other hand my gf told me yesterday, for the second time in the last month, that she hates that my mother does that. She hates how she talks about going to a foreign country because she is basically travelling with my money, as long as those are money she puts aside from her salary instead of paying her utilities. I told her I totally agree with her, but I want this to be my concern, not a barrier in our relationship, as in my opinion it shouldn't affect our relationship in any way, it's something I have to deal with my mother. My gf even cried. I asked her if it's empathy for me or something more than that, because as she put it ('I barely can pay our utilities -- we pay them half/half -- and I know you still pay money at your mother's house') I felt something like jealousy in her voice ('when we first met, you went in a trip with your mother in Switzerland, I also wanted to go there , but I had no money, she had money from you basically'). She said it's not just empathy , it simply stresses her out, this situation and it's illogical to her.

 

I don't know what to do. I know I need to have a serious discussion with my mother, I feel like she will get mad as if she wanted to pay, she would have said by now. I didn't like how my gf talked about the problem, either (if it was just empathy , I would have really appreciated her mentioning this, but even she said it's more than that). And most of that I don't want a bad relationship between them, I know it happens a lot of times and I wanted our relationship to be different - for them to get along fine.

[Mr. Lucky]

And most of that I don't want a bad relationship between them, I know it happens a lot of times and I wanted our relationship to be different - for them to get along fine.

 

And towards that end, for the last year you've done....nothing?

 

Hard for a casual observer to understand why you haven't had a conversation with Mom. I have lots of things I want people will do, haven't found sitting back and hoping they'll suddenly see the light to be a very effective approach.

 

It also doesn't make sense, if you're afraid the money will be taken at your GF's place (by whom?), to leave it with Mom who you know will take it. That's what banks are for.

 

Pick up the phone, this talk is long overdue...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Why would your gf have empathy for you?

You are paying your mother's bills whilst expecting your gf to use her own money. Your mother, subsidised by you can afford to go on trips whilst your gf is struggling to make ends meet.

You live together, there needs to be some commitment shown by you towards your primary relationship.

Your mother is quite capable of existing on her own , she is not disabled or elderly or unable to work.

Your gf is crying I guess as she is seriously considering giving up on you... take heed.

[Blanco]

You need to stop being so passive. Being a parent is a mostly thankless job, and while I find nothing wrong with an adult wanting to "give back" to their parent, it really shouldn't have to significantly affect the adult's life. Right now, it's affecting your life because it's put your girlfriend in a tough spot.

 

Your mom should be more aware that this arrangement isn't really fair to you, but it looks like she's comfortable accepting your handouts for as long as you deem it necessary. She's not going to tell you to stop.

 

Be upfront. Tell her that now that she's working, you need to taper off the handouts. Don't frame it as something your girlfriend has pressured you into, because that's only going to cause resentment from your mother toward the girlfriend. Unless your mom is a leech, she should understand why this arrangement needs to end.

[SophieG]

I used to be in a similar situation, where my ex was always giving money to his parents and it was becoming a fighting topic. I understood the whole situation, but by giving money to his parents, he was depriving us of some opportunities; he couldn’t afford to go out, wasn’t putting money aside for our house project and I was the only one putting everything I had left each month, we couldn’t travel, etc. So no, I don’t think it’s because of empathy but maybe out of anger and discouragement... I’ve been there, and that’s how I felt.

To me, it almost became a dealbreaker, but he had a conversation with his parents, told them that it was enough, he had to live his own life and not have them as a financial burden.

[d0nnivain]

Put your money in a bank. Problem solved. There is no reason for you to keep large sums of cash at your mother's or in your apartment.

[Kitty Tantrum]

It's not illogical for your girlfriend to be upset. You're ostensibly building a life with HER, but then undermining that relationship and disqualifying yourself as a provider for her and any children you might have in the future by playing surrogate husband to your mother.

 

Your girlfriend probably has it in her head (FOR NOW, but possibly not much longer if nothing changes) that she wants to be your wife someday. Now she's getting the sense that your mother has already filled that role and that she'd be stuck playing second fiddle until your mother passes away - with you providing the best of everything for yourself and mommy, and her fending for herself (and possibly having to work harder to help compensate for the burden of your mother's unnecessary financial dependence).

 

She's starting to establish her picture of what it would be like to be married to you, and she doesn't like what she sees. I don't blame her.

 

Tell your mother it's time to pay her own bills.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes, take your money away and cut her off. Listen to financial planning counselor Dave Ramsey on YouTube. Search on "Dave Ramsey mother" and you'll find tons of 5- to 10-minute clips on establishing financial boundaries with guilt-tripping moms and family members.

 

No decent girlfriend/wife will put up with this for long. And it's unhealthy for you and your mom for her to use you like this.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I moved with my gf 1 year ago.

Unfortunately, my mother had no job then, so I continued to pay for my old house utilities and even things like food and other basic needs.

She got a job eventually, with a very small salary, but should be enough to pay for basic things like those I mentioned.

Still, she never mentioned she would like to pay for them.

 

I live with my gf in rent, so I was always afraid of keeping cash money there, so I always left them at my mother's house and she always took from there for her utilities and food. She still takes them without even hinting she should take from her own salary now.

 

I know this is not right. I stress out because of this day by day, because I find it so weird that I need to tell this to her, I hoped and hoped she will say something by herself.

 

On the other hand my gf told me yesterday, for the second time in the last month, that she hates that my mother does that. She hates how she talks about going to a foreign country because she is basically travelling with my money, as long as those are money she puts aside from her salary instead of paying her utilities. I told her I totally agree with her, but I want this to be my concern, not a barrier in our relationship, as in my opinion it shouldn't affect our relationship in any way, it's something I have to deal with my mother. My gf even cried. I asked her if it's empathy for me or something more than that, because as she put it ('I barely can pay our utilities -- we pay them half/half -- and I know you still pay money at your mother's house') I felt something like jealousy in her voice ('when we first met, you went in a trip with your mother in Switzerland, I also wanted to go there , but I had no money, she had money from you basically'). She said it's not just empathy , it simply stresses her out, this situation and it's illogical to her.

 

I don't know what to do. I know I need to have a serious discussion with my mother, I feel like she will get mad as if she wanted to pay, she would have said by now. I didn't like how my gf talked about the problem, either (if it was just empathy , I would have really appreciated her mentioning this, but even she said it's more than that). And most of that I don't want a bad relationship between them, I know it happens a lot of times and I wanted our relationship to be different - for them to get along fine.

 

Honor the one you love, appease the one you live with.