Happily married but in EA

[Tickpop]

A little background: I am 60 yrs old man and happily married for 40 years to a beautiful and a good wife.

 

I never cheated physically and never will. But ever since my children started to grow and my wife became busy with her career. I startrd to get bored when alone and feeling empty and unloved. I know my wife loves me and my family loves me as well but I keep missing the days when we are all together. I still feel happy being with my wife every time she's home with me. But when I'm alone it gets so lonely.

 

I started going online and chatting with people on chatrooms. Eventually I ended up going on cam sites and paid girls to talk. Of course some of them tried to make horny and c*m but it never works.

 

I met this girl online and like usual I just played around. I pretended to be a single man looking for a lover. She became one of my lovers. Years passed and we still together. I did future fake with her despite knowing it will never happen. I gave her allowance. But I ended up getting attached to her.

She became part of my life. There were times when I couldn't wait for my W to leave just so I can talk to her. I shared my life with her.

 

Slowly I am trying to change that. I am slowly distancing myself and sharing her less of me and flcusing on doing house chores when bored instead of talking to her but still I can't let her go.

She needs me and I need her.

Maybe she is just pretending to love me for money but then I may be just needed her when I am bored. Who knows.

 

Is this consider a cheating?

Is it okay to keep this up?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes, it is cheating, and no her feelings are not real. You are paying her to act like that.

 

Maybe get a job?

[Tickpop]

I do have a job. I have a high position in a company and earn more tha n enough to provide for my family and their needs.

 

My wife is an independent woman. She's free to do and go wherever she wants. Often times she goes out with her girl friends.

 

I just needed to fill the void in me which those girls and now the girl is giving me. I know there's no future for us but I do not want to let her go.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I do have a job. I have a high position in a company and earn more tha n enough to provide for my family and their needs.

 

My wife is an independent woman. She's free to do and go wherever she wants. Often times she goes out with her girl friends.

 

I just needed to fill the void in me which those girls and now the girl is giving me. I know there's no future for us but I do not want to let her go.

 

Oh, I'm sorry. For some reason I got the impression that you were retired with a lot of time on your hands.

 

Are you empty nesters? If so, I think you need to start dating one another again!

[Amethyst68]

Of course this is cheating and you know it or you wouldn't be here asking a bunch of strangers on the internet? Have you asked your real life friends or do you keep the OW secret from them as well as from your family?

Of course the OW is using you. If she met you on one of this cam sites you are probably one of a number of men she regularly gets money from. Please consider that's her source of income.

Lastly I would not be surprised if your wife eventually found out. Instead of hooking up with this girl online why did you not try making plans with your wife in real life. Tell her you miss her and want to spend more time with her. Take the initiative and reconnect.

You sound quite passive but remember cheating in any form is always a choice.

[pepperbird]

Sir,

I'm not going to jump on you for feeling lonely. I can see how that could easily happen. However, I don't think you are handling it very well.

 

At first, I thought it might just be a case where a younger women forms a friendship with an older man that's almost a "father/ daughter" or " mentor" style relationship, but from what you say, it sounds more like you are both using each other. She gives you positive feelings and you give her money. I guess that would make her akin to a therapist:laugh:

 

Seriously, at your age, you ought to know better. You are just one of likely several men this woman strings along. That's her job. It's how she earns money. It's no different than a sex trade worker who sleeps with a bunch of men. The idea that any one of them ( in spite of what she might tell them) really rocks her world would be pretty hard to believe.

Edited May 16, 2019 by pepperbird

[BaileyB]

Yes, you are cheating.

 

Have you told your wife how you are feeling and what has been her response?

 

And perhaps, instead of hiring a cam girl to sooth you feeling self of loneliness, you should hire a counsellor. Perhaps, the counsellor can help you to develop some coping strategies to deal with your loneliness. You need to find a way to spend your free time.

[JuneL]

You are paying for the service she provides. If you really have developed feelings for her (as inferred from the phrase “emotional affair”), then it’s like a client falling for a sex worker.

[snowcones]

Eventually I ended up going on cam sites and paid girls to talk. Of course some of them tried to make horny and c*m but it never works.

 

 

Wait, I think I've heard it all now.

 

You go on cam sites so paid girls can talk to you and you've never gotten horny and came?

 

 

Yeah okay....:laugh:

 

It doesn't matter though, even if you were talking to a girl from church, an EA is still cheating, because you are sharing intimacy.

 

 

 

So what do you do about the problem in your marriage? Talk to your wife , stop your EA's and get therapy. Or leave her and start over.

[heartwhole2]

I do think that paying a therapist is a much healthier and more honest way to get emotional support than to pay a sex-cam worker. You "future faked" her and "became lovers." This relationship is real to you, but it seems obvious to those of us reading your post that it is "business as usual" to her. Why don't you stop paying her and see how long she keeps up her end of the relationship?

 

In any event, whether she is genuinely attached to you is irrelevant, though useful for you to figure out as you examine your motives and decision making processes. You have chosen to go outside of your marriage for support and you have committed financial infidelity by paying this woman.

 

You ask if it is OK to keep this up. Nothing that involves a sexual, emotional, and/or financial commitment that you keep secret from your spouse is OK. The only way to make this OK is to clear it with your wife. If she says, sure honey, I'm glad you're entertained, then bingo, you're OK. But my guess is she will be traumatized and disgusted by your actions, and then you'll have to reside firmly in Reality Land rather than pay-per-view Fantasy Land.

[Bryanp]

Would this be acceptable if the roles were reversed and it was your wife engaged in this type of behavior?

[Mr. Lucky]

But when I'm alone it gets so lonely.

 

Pretty telling that you ignore every other outlet to address this loneliness. One might almost think it's an excuse to cover the inappropriate behavior.

 

Tickpop, become a volunteer. Tutor in an at-risk school. Support a candidate. Join a softball team. Buy a bike, find a riding group.

 

But don't say this happened because you were "lonely". Admitting that, like every other cheater, you wanted to have your cake and eat it too would be the first step towards understanding and addressing your behavior.

 

This didn't happen because the people in your life don't pay enough attention to you. Counseling would help bring some clarity and a healthy path forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

^^^^^ Agree. I don't think you just want company, I think you want an attractive woman's validation and now hers specifically.

 

There are many outlets for companionship/socializing. There are many places that could use a volunteer and would provide the benefits of social interaction back to you. It doesn't have to be this.

 

Except that it does.

 

Ending it will be emotionally difficult, but IMO you very much should. REPLACE it with something that doesn't risk your marriage and that gives you a healthier new identity.

 

Do you really want us to lie and suggest that your wife would be ok with this?

[whichwayisup]

I do have a job. I have a high position in a company and earn more tha n enough to provide for my family and their needs.

 

My wife is an independent woman. She's free to do and go wherever she wants. Often times she goes out with her girl friends.

 

I just needed to fill the void in me which those girls and now the girl is giving me. I know there's no future for us but I do not want to let her go.

 

So you'd rather risk your marriage and hurt/betray your wife instead of finding projects to keep you busy or hang out with your guy friends... You say you have a good marriage and love your wife, yet you still need more while she's working or out with her friends? Are you this unhappy inside to feel the need to get attention and lead other women on for your own happiness and ego?

 

Be prepared for your wife to find out, especially if this other woman tells her. never say never, it does happen.

 

I hope you wake up and realize what you're doing is selfish and only will cause more issues.

 

If you're this lonely then talk to your wife and ask her to be home more and spend time with you, go on date nights etc. Time to end your online affair. It'll only cause more problems, not fix them.

[Tickpop]

I didn't meet her on cam sites. I used to go to internet chatrooms and ended up in cam sites to talk to those girls. I must admit, I enjoyed the game of pretending to be a single man looking for someone to love and acting like lovers. I never get emotionally involved with them. I paid them and think of it as helping them. They do perform sexual acts but I never asked them to and I almost never got a chance to c*m.

I enjoyed looking at them and their attention and the whole "lovers" game. I got involved with this girl and treated her the same as the rest but eventually things started to changed. I guess I am giving her money as a way of helping her as well. Doesn't really mean she has to perform for the money and me and my wife still do have sex.

 

Does she make me horny? I will he lying if I said no. She does. She doesn't have to be naked.

Does she make me c*m?

I wouldn't deny it as well. The first time it happened I felt bad and guilty so I decided to pull away. She got upset but after a while we made up. I felt guilty but now I am very comfortable with her. I do not mind doing anything sexually with her (online). I can't always do it with her though due to my age and especially when me and my wife just had sex. Sometimes I couldn't help myself but do it despite knowing that my.wife will be arriving soon.

 

I am slowly pulling away from her. And I do feel bad lying to her especially if she was being serious with me.

 

I just can't do a NC yet. I cannot tell my wife and have no plan of doing so. I will stop this once we both retired.

I already told my wife all these issues I had about our relationship. How I often feel that it's one sided. How I missed her. But she said that we should live our own lives. And do whatever we want while we still can. Because once we retired then we will all have the time together. I just can't keep up without doing this.

I am trying to see if my feelings for her will be gone if I get attracted to ow again.

[BaileyB]

This is one of the saddest posts for me on this site. My father is of your age and life stage - I know he feels lonely sometimes but I simply can’t imagine him doing something like this.

 

Reading your post and hearing how invested you are in these women is disturbing. This is a problem for you and I don’t know that you are going to be able to stop this when you retire. I also don’t think you will have much of a marriage left to enjoy when you retire. I’m pretty share when your wife said “do what you want” she didn’t mean “watch women have sex online, form unhealthy attachments to them, and send them money...”

 

This is a problem for you if you are not able to tell your wife what you are doing. It’s a problem that you are giving your hard earned money to these women you meet online - they don’t need your money, the probably make more than you do. You are being used by these women and you don’t even realize it. And, you are destroying your family in the process...

 

As I said, I can’t imagine my father doing something like this and how it would affect my family. I hope you gain some perspective such that the next time you post, your concern is for your family and not this “OW” who comes to you by computer screen and has you totally hooked around her little finger...

Edited May 17, 2019 by BaileyB

[FMW]

I already told my wife all these issues I had about our relationship. How I often feel that it's one sided. How I missed her. But she said that we should live our own lives.

 

Tell your wife that "living your own lives" is making you feel the need to seek out the company of other women. I'm not saying you have to confess what you are actually doing, just make sure she's clear how serious this is for you.

 

You can't live happily ever after retirement if your relationship doesn't hold up to get to that point.

[BaileyB]

Tell your wife that "living your own lives" is making you feel the need to seek out the company of other women. I'm not saying you have to confess what you are actually doing, just make sure she's clear how serious this is for you.

 

You can't live happily ever after retirement if your relationship doesn't hold up to get to that point.

 

And the way it’s going, it won’t hold up until retirement and/or there will be nothing left when you do retire.

 

This is good advice. If you have any interest or hope of keeping your marriage, your wife deserves to know that the house is on fire...

[heartwhole2]

Can you spot the minimizations and excuses in your last reply?

 

Your wife having a career and friends is a positive. You can't be happy for her and want her to have a well-balanced life? It is co-dependent to expect your spouse to fulfill all of your emotional needs, and it's bizarre to think that paying a web-cam girl to be your "lover" is how you should meet your own.

 

Life circumstances change and the onus is on you to find healthy ways to entertain and support yourself. It is not your wife's fault that you are lonely. Being lonely is not an excuse to have an affair. Paying someone to be your "lover" is not a real relationship. Only orgasming "sometimes" is not better than "all the time."

 

You mention guilt and that seems to be your main motivation for doing the right thing. Guilt is not an effective tool of self-regulation, though. It's better to have the insight and coping skills to choose good things for yourself because you see how it is better for you and others in the long run. Frankly, your excuses come across as laughable to those of us not in your situation, and yet for you they are important for reassuring yourself that you are still a good guy, or at least not too bad.

 

The fact that you are trying to extricate yourself from the situation and seeking advice is good. On some level you understand that the situation isn't OK, though you do have your handy excuses for when the guilt feels too overwhelming. But wouldn't it be better to learn how to have healthy support and outlets in your life? To be an honest person who is watering the grass of his marriage rather than the grass of a paid, secret relationship? To spend your spare time rooted firmly in the real world where real live people are out there to be your companions?

[elaine567]

You seem to be under the delusion that you have an OW, when all you have is cam girl who is getting as much money as she can out of you, with as little effort as possible on her part.

Of course she "loves" lonely, horny old guys, they are no doubt her bread and butter.

Stop being a fool here.

You could quite easily ruin that lovely retirement you have got planned in about 2 whole seconds...

 

Wake up and smell the coffee.

[pepperbird]

I

 

 

I am slowly pulling away from her. And I do feel bad lying to her especially if she was being serious with me.

 

I just can't do a NC yet. I cannot tell my wife and have no plan of doing so.

 

 

Oh my god, this woman must have seen you coming a mile away.My guess? She probably has a full time boyfriend and she and him likely take great amusement in how this old guy has the hots for her and is dumb enough to give her money.

 

This woman doesn't care about you. You are nothing more than a client.

 

You are nothing more than a garden variety cheater. You've convinced yourself that this is okay because you are "lonely" because of your wife. In essence, you are trying to blame your behvaior on your wife.

That's dirty pool sir. Dirty pool...and it's acting like a child.

Edited May 17, 2019 by pepperbird

[BaileyB]

Your wife having a career and friends is a positive. You can't be happy for her and want her to have a well-balanced life? It is co-dependent to expect your spouse to fulfill all of your emotional needs.

 

Life circumstances change and the onus is on you to find healthy ways to entertain and support yourself. It is not your wife's fault that you are lonely. Being lonely is not an excuse to have an affair.

 

This. Absolutely.

 

OP, if you are lonely then you should do what others do - volunteer, join a sports club, learn to play bridge, develop more friendships.

 

No doubt, you are very naive if you don’t think that this girl isn’t laughing all the way to the bank. I have to wonder how your wife would feel if she knew that you were giving her retirement money to women you met online.

 

It sounds like she has already checked out of the marriage. It’s entirely possible that she will have no problem filing for divorce when she learns how she has been betrayed.

[pepperbird]

What's the saying about a fool and his money are soon parted?

 

 

 

If this woman care done iota for you, she would want what's best for you wouldn't she? I notice that isn't happening. She strings you along, you pay her. This isn't "Pretty Woman". There is no "romance". It's just a financial transaction, no different than if you hired a sex industry worker to sleep with you or the person who serves you your meal at a restaurant. The wait staff may smile, give yo a wink and even stop to chat, but the idea that they care is ridiculous. They're just trying to get you to give them a bigger tip.

 

Don't believe me ( and the other posters )? Tell this woman that your wife found out what you were doing and cut off your financial supply. You can no longer give her any money, and may even need to borrow a bit.

Ask yourself if you think she'll stick around.

[Mr. Lucky]

And I do feel bad lying to her especially if she was being serious with me.

 

Tickpop, I have a hard time believing you could be this gullible, but I guess it takes all kinds. I just read an article this morning about how a local attorney, whom you'd think would be reasonably intelligent, was fleeced for $250K by a fortune teller.

 

Like the unfortunate lawyer, you're buying nothing more than smoke and mirrors. What do you think happens when your online connection to her clicks off? Do you think she's waiting breathlessly by the cam for your next log-in? She simply moves on to the next Tickpop and the next one after that, all under some version of the same delusion as you.

 

If you do pull away, I'll bet cam girl will be sorry to see you go. Her car payment is due any day now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tickpop]

Sorry for the late reply. Work has been very busy.

I do join in different activities. I do gym and even gave helping hands to my friends in their house.

I also do a lot of house chores when I am at home. I washed the clothes, clean the house, cook for us and everything.

But still I need that company. Even if I have to pay them or what. I like the whole thing that goes with that relationship.

 

I do talk to her even when I am busy. I let her see me do all of it... I wouldn't deny that I love the praises she's giving me for working hard. I have to sneak around to send her a message when my W is around. I went on vacation with my wife. I am happy to see her happy and have fun but I just couldn't stay for long. I go and find things to do and hopefully get a chance to talk to her.

 

The fact that I pay her is what makes me feel less guilty. As some said this is not real and she is not my OW.