Happily married but in EA

[Mr. Lucky]

The fact that I pay her is what makes me feel less guilty. As some said this is not real and she is not my OW.

 

Think about the literal meaning of OW, it’s the third party in a relationship designed for two. Of course she’s your “other” woman, in every emotional, sexual and financial sense of the word.

 

On one hand, you’re happily married. But on the other, can’t go a day without sneaking off to cam with your AP.

 

Which is it?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Amethyst68]

So you're here complaining you feel alone because your wife is so busy she doesn't have any time for you but now you telling us when your wife does have spare time and wants to be with you you're finding ways to sneak off so you can pay your OW to tell you how great you are...

 

 

 

OP stop fooling yourself, what your are doing is cheating, just because you are paying this woman to tell you exactly what you want to hear does not negate that. It does not alter the fact you have already damaged your marriage, your relationship with your wife. Do you really not think she will have noticed the change in your behavior? The excuses to go off and not spend time with her, especially on vacation. What happens if she finds out? Are you prepared for divorce?

[pepperbird]

op,

if it's someone to talk to that you feel you need, why not stat getting some therapy?

I'm not being facetious, I'm being 100 percent serious. There is something sad about a man who feels he needs to pay a woman to praise him and to provide companionship. The fact that you feel you have to pay someone for this is really telling.

[BaileyB]

If it's someone to talk to that you feel you need, why not stat getting some therapy?

 

This. Something is obviously really wrong in your life if you have a need to seek the attention and praise of another person - and you are willing to pay a cam girl to get it.

 

These issues may/may not be related to problems in your marriage... it doesn’t negate the fact that you have some very personal issues that you need to address. Again, emotionally healthy people don’t have this kind of a need for attention/praise and they generally go about finding what they need in much more appropriate ways...

[mark clemson]

I think in a very real way you are addicted to her - her attention, praise, validation, cute smile, etc. Even though it's not technically a drug its quite similar. In fact these "infatuation" brain circuits are what drugs activate to CAUSE addiction. That's why you can't stop and switch to some better way to ease your loneliness even though it would make all the sense in the world.

 

I'm going to agree with those above suggesting you seek out some help to end this once you're in a place where you rational brain decides to look for a way out of this.

[Mr. Lucky]

op, if it's someone to talk to that you feel you need, why not start getting some therapy?

 

And, at the $100 - $200 an hour therapy normally costs, probably a lot cheaper than what he's doing now in the long run...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi Tikpop, you've been given a lot of good advice plus a number of spot on opinions. In spite of it all you doggedly stick to your decision to keep doing what you are doing. The fact is that after everything that you have stated here, it is difficult to believe that you have a happy marriage and in fact, your marriage is quite the opposite of what you would have us believe. To me it seems to be withering by the day and both you and your wife seem less invested in it as time goes by. Your wife telling you to do your thing while she does hers does not bode well for a committed relationship. Do you know what she is doing when she is away from you? Also,, if both of you are working then how is it that you are stuck at home doing chores while she is gadding about with her friends having a good time? You say you are in a good position at work. How, then do you get so much time to spend at home and get 'lonely'?

 

I think that both you and your wife are using each other,maintaining a facade of a so called 'Happy marriage' while leading independent and( in your case and maybe hers too)secret lives that the other does not know about and possibly does not care about. Yes, you have periodic sex but this is just to maintain the facade in the eyes of each other.

 

Having said all this my recommendation would be that the two of you work out an amicable separation and go your own way leading lives which seem to satisfy you and make you happy. At the least you will eliminate the guilt factor. Best wishes.

[elaine567]

This is not about seeking help, this is essentially about bragging...

[pepperbird]

This is not about seeking help, this is essentially about bragging...

 

 

 

 

If it is, then I would suggest the OP do some soul searching. I don't see how there is anything to brag about feeling like you have to pay a woman to spend time listening to you.

Really, it's just plain sad.

[heartwhole2]

This is not about seeking help, this is essentially about bragging...

 

I think he was looking for people to assuage his guilt . . . pat pat, what you're doing isn't so bad . . . He wasn't expecting people to point out how unhealthy and pointless this relationship is.

[Tickpop]

I wasn't bragging. I even went to IC about this whole thing.

 

To answer some of the questions here.

 

Me and my wife married young. We got married the moment we reached the legal age. And back then all the responsibilities were shouldered by the man of the house. Me and my wife has been through a lot. We were poor and my wife had to stop her studies to take care of our children.

 

I worked hard. Really hard so I could give them a good life. With that I had to work overtime and be away from our home for days or weeks which became a reason for me and my wife to started arguing with her getting jealous and all.

 

But we got over it. When our financial status became stable and my children started going to school, my wife's jealousy grew and she became frustrated. We went to a MC and talked about the problem.

 

In the end we decided that it's better for her to continue her studies again. I sent her to college. And she started to be happy again, living her life anew.

 

My work became busier and she became busier as well. To stop her jealousy, we made some agreement of what to do. And I try to go home everyday as long as I can.

 

She started working and there were times that she had to work night shift for weeks. So I am often alone in the house at night.

She used to nagged about the house chores, so I ended up cleaning the house and doing some chores while she's gone so the house will be clean when she gets home. And I cook for us also.

 

But our children started to grow and have their own life as well. My wife still live her life as if she never gets old.

 

I used to enjoy car racing with my friends as well but I stopped ever since my son ended up getting addicted to it and ended up with bad companies. My wife thought that maybe he got it from me.

 

As time goes by, I ended up feeling depressed. Feeling like I did nothing but work my whole.

 

As my IC said, maybe deep inside I became jealous of my wife's freedom and fun life with her friends. Something I didn't experienced due to being in responsiblity at young age. And having to stop the things I enjoyed without complaining just bottled up my growing frustrations.

 

My wife became a modern woman whilst I stayed in the old fashioned way.

 

While bored and alone. I ended up in online chatrooms. I grew grumpy and bored and tired.

 

Me and my wife still do a lot of things together. We cooked together when she's home. We go to gym together. Sometimes we eat lunch together while at work. I drove 30 minutes just so we can eat lunch together.

 

Still it seems I became addicted to online companions. Me and my wife has been trying it out as well.

 

Lately we have spending more time together. Prepare dinner together, eat lunch, go to gym and go on dates. But still I can't let go of the OW. I feel bad dropping her just like that and I just can't yet.

 

To answer the question how do I talk to her if I'm busy?

I cam her while at work until she gets tired of it. We are on cam while I'm working..cam while driving and cam while I'm all alone in the house. How? When I am home alone at night..or during my day offs and my wife is working day shift.

 

Maybe slowly I will let go of this addiction but as long as I can..I will stay with her. She was there for me when I'm feeling alone and lonely. I just can't drop her like that.

My IC told me the same. It's an addiction that involves my emotions; one step at a time may be the best way to overcome it rather than to stop it suddenly.

Edited May 30, 2019 by Tickpop

[Mr. Lucky]

It's an addiction that involves my emotions; one step at a time may be the best way to overcome it rather than to stop it suddenly.

 

Or .... what?

 

This is all phony rationalizing so you don't have to unplug the cam today. At some point, you'll have to begin living a real, authentic life and take responsibility for your own happiness. It's not your wife's job to deliver purpose and satisfaction, that comes from within. Stop blaming others for your own weakness and missteps, no one created this hot mess but you.

 

Really, this is who you want to be, the guy uselessly chasing a phantom connection through a video screen - and paying for the privilege? A pretty sad and lonely picture...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Amethyst68]

You 'cam' your OW while you're actually working? Well there's another lawsuit waiting to happen (along with divorce) if you're found out by your employer. What a security and confidentiality nightmare.

 

TBH I found the vision of a man in his 60s doing chores on camera for praise, like a dog doing tricks somewhat sad. When I factored in the fact you are paying for the praise, in effect you are praising yourself,it all became kind of pitiful.

 

The professional setting however is career suicide and deservedly so!

[heartwhole2]

Sometimes when I engage in unproductive activities (which perhaps I am doing right now), I think of the poem "Lying in a Hammock at William Duffy's Farm in Pine Island, Minnesota." It's a beautiful description of a peaceful scene that suddenly ends with the line:

 

"I have wasted my life."

 

On your deathbed, will you be glad for all the time and money you spent on a cam girl who will probably not mourn your loss except for the financial aspect?

 

We understand that you are lonely, and even why you are lonely. But that still doesn't explain filling your bucket with something fake. Why aren't you filling your bucket with something real?