Move for love or move for job? I’m stuck!

[js619]

Hello everyone, I’ve got myself in a jam here. I’m 30 years old, have a wonderful girlfriend, we’ve been together for about a year now. She’s amazing, and how we get along is just incredible. It’s been long distance most of the time. We met online, and she lives in a different state where I was planning to move to (planning this since before I met her). She has an excellent engineering job and can’t relocate. I have visited her for extended periods a few times (2-3 weeks), and she has visited me here as well. We usually see each other every month. Since we started the relationship, I told her I was moving out there. During this year, the timeline has gotten pushed back a few times due to an economic situation (Need to sell my house here to move and had some issues with that). I repeat, I wasn’t moving for her, I was moving to be closer to family and for a higher paying job in that state.

 

Anyway, I’m starting to have doubts about moving there, I was offered a job that pays twice as much but it’s 20 hours away from where I live now, and 35 hours from where she/my family live. I haven’t told her about this job offer. She has asked me to give her my word many times that I will move to her state, and I have told her yes and promised her. I know for me as a person, and to reach my economic goals, taking this high paying job is what I should do. But I’m giving up a great relationship and will certainly break her heart. She has trust issues with male figures in her life (her father, brother, and an ex fiancé, personal issues), but she trusts me 100% and never acts insecure with me. It took us a while to reach this point of trust and I know if I go back on my word about moving then it will crush her. In a way I’ve wasted a year of her life where she could have been with someone locally.

 

My brain tells me to take this job, but my heart wants to be with her and not hurt her. I feel like if I take the job, I will regret breaking up with her and breaking her heart. But if I go with her, and not do so well economically, then I might regret not taking the job.

 

I just need some guidance :-( and how would I even begin the convo to break her this news? Any suggestions would be great. Thank you all

[Realitysux]

I would move for the job. You need to have your own happiness and success as an individual away from your relationship in order for your relationship to be successful. You like your partner for who your partner is and your job in this life is important because your job takes up a big part of your life. She has a career and if I were you, if I moved and my career wasn't as successful, I might end up resenting that if you are also career oriented.

[d0nnivain]

Another vote for job. She could follow you if she chose. Engineers are in great demand most places. Why should she get to pick her economics / family but you are required to pick the relationship?

[js619]

Thanks for the responses everyone, I want to give a little background to explain why I feel bad about this. When we first started getting to know each other, she told me about an experience with her ex-fiancé. While they were together, she quit her job and moved with him to another state (he got transferred). Soon after that, he abandoned her there (he was seeing somebody else and moved in with that woman and left my girlfriend alone in the state). She ended up moving back, and wasn’t able to get her job back. It was hard for her to find this current job and now that she has it, she doesn’t want to quit.

 

Since we first started talking she told me that she will not quit her job, and was clear that for this to work that I would have to move there. I told her that I respected her and her career and I would move since I was planning to anyway. I can’t really ask her to quit her job and move. That’s why I feel bad about this, since I would be going back on my word.

 

Like I said I don’t even know how I’d start the convo, I feel so bad about this.

[d0nnivain]

It does sound like it's going to be a painful discussion but you can't organize your life for her. Perhaps in time she could transfer to your area but based on her last experience I expect she will be gun shy. Maybe this is just a sign that you two weren't meant to be.

[BaileyB]

While I can appreciate the draw and it’s important to follow your dreams, no amount of money could take me away from my life partner or my family.

 

As to your girlfriend, I’m curious as to why she got into long distance relationship with a man who she met online if she has been hurt and betrayed in the past by a long distance partner. It doesn’t seem like the easiest path she could take...

[healing light]

Is there a rush to move for the girlfriend? How old are you guys? I am just wondering if you truly know everything about her given the long-distance factor. Is there any way you could take the job for a year? Or see if she opens up to the idea of jobs in your new location?

 

If you really know her and know that she would be great wife material, then that might be more irreplaceable than the job.... I agree with the poster who said engineering is usually in high demand, she could probably get a great job almost anywhere, imo. How would her prospects be in the new state vs. the one she's in now? You weren't the former fiance so there's a part of me that feels you shouldn't have to pay for the sins of his past with her, but I see where it's tough given that you gave your word.

 

I just think 2x the salary jump could significantly impact your ability to build a future with someone and hit all the milestones, so I would talk to her and see if she has any kind of flexibility on this at all.

Edited May 16, 2019 by healing light

[The Outlaw]

Got to go for the job. You can always keep very much in contact with her and see/talk to her when you can.

[laelithia]

js619, I'm in a very similar position to you in that I also promised my LD partner that I would be the one to move to make our relationship work. However, since then I have opened up my own practice, have been doing better financially here than I would there, and my family is here.

 

It is a heavy burden to be the one to sacrifice so much to make a relationship work, no matter how good it is. So much so, that my partner has worried that I will resent him, even though I wanted to move prior to meeting him. I don't know what the solution is for you, but I think it is only fair that you talk to your girlfriend about the job offer. Even if she is angry that it is even in the picture, I think she will appreciate your openness and honesty, something her previous partner clearly lacked.

 

At the end of the day, only you can decide what's best for you. But from reading your post, it seems to me that your gut is telling you to take the job.

[js619]

Thank you all for the responses. I also feel that taking the job is the right thing to do. Tonight, she called me out about being distant. She said that she didn't know what had gotten into me. I told her that I was having doubts about moving, due to this new opportunity. I explained how much more $$ it is, better hours, benefits etc. She was pissed and said take it.

 

After further convo, she said that she could try to get me a job where she works, or at her dad's company. I mentioned the money comparison (which is less then what I make now) and she started saying how money isn't everything, and that together we would always "figure it out". I told her that I'm 30 years old (shes 28) and I can't keep "figuring it out" I need to be stable. I asked if her company has locations near this new opportunity and she said no. She said that she can see that I've made up my mind; honestly she's right. I guess I'll see if she brings up the topic about her looking for a job near mine. But for now she said she was going to sleep and we'd talk another day.

 

I feel sad, but very relieved. This was something that's been bothering me and has caused a distance in between us. Now that it's off my chest I feel better. I don't know if there's a nice way to ask her if she'd ever look for a job where I want to go, it seems like she doesn't want to quit working for her company. We'll see what happens from here. Thanks all for your replies and advice.

[bachdude]

Total deja vu for me OP as I read your posts. I had a relationship with an amazing women right around your age. She said she would never move for another man because she gave up an amazing job in another country to follow him to the US and he turned abusive and they split. I got offered my dream job about 900 miles away after dating for a year. She wasn't pissed but cried her eyes out. I took it anyway.

 

We lasted a year longer in a long distance relationship but she broke it off. It was my turn to cry my eyes out. She's the one that 'got away'.

 

Biggest mistake of my life. A nice job opened up near her after we broke up where I used to work part time. They wanted me to apply.

 

Here's the deal OP. How special is she to you?

 

I understand at your age you are very career oriented. I totally get that. My job opportunities are even tougher than yours. I'm a classical musician. You have way more opportunities than I ever had career wise. But assume you will lose her if you take this job. Will it be worth it for you?

 

No one can answer this but you. Best of luck, man.

[Nnam]

This, to be honest, is a very personal decision you just have to ask yourself what you can or cannot do without.

[preraph]

I suggest you quickly see if you can find a better job in her state. Do some quick feels. In this economy, you may find you can get a job there instead and have both.

[Sunlight72]

Uh. Gee OP. I guess your word to her didn't mean sh*t.

 

If it did, you wouldn't have been looking for or considering moving further away from her now.

 

You can absolutely live your life based on your priorities. Just stop lying to people, OK?

 

And get real honest with yourself. This is completely a choice. Honoring your word to her (gracefully, contentedly), or pleasing yourself in choosing to break your promise to her and do what you would have done if you were in no relationship, and had made no promise to anyone, and made this choice based on your single, independent life.

 

No one forced you to promise her anything. That was your choice when it felt good to you I guess. Stop doing that. Promises only mean something when it is uncomfortable and yet you stick with it.

 

I wonder why she has trust issues? Hmm. A mystery.

[Sunlight72]

.... She said that she can see that I've made up my mind; honestly she's right. I guess I'll see if she brings up the topic about her looking for a job near mine. But for now she said she was going to sleep and we'd talk another day.

 

I feel sad, but very relieved. This was something that's been bothering me and has caused a distance in between us. Now that it's off my chest I feel better. I don't know if there's a nice way to ask her if she'd ever look for a job where I want to go, it seems like she doesn't want to quit working for her company. We'll see what happens from here. Thanks all for your replies and advice.

Knock it off. You just broke up with her. Be a man and live with it.

[BaileyB]

I don't know if there's a nice way to ask her if she'd ever look for a job where I want to go, it seems like she doesn't want to quit working for her company.

 

She has been clear about her intentions from the beginning, unlike you. Don’t ask her to leave her friends, family, and job to follow you... She told you from the start that she wasn’t prepared to do that again.

 

If she was here posting the same story, I would tell her not to uproot her life for a man who has put his own self interest and financial interest ahead of her (your future relationship together).

 

All the best in your new job. I hope it is everything you want it to be...

[chillii]

She has these days rare qualities in wanting to be a team and work it out together and puts you above the precious dollar, makings 0f a special woman not easy to find.

But at the same time , if it was real love l doubt you could make the job choice over her so l'd say whatever you think your feelings are, weren't quite right and enough anyway.

But l agree with others and it was pretty damn selfish you even gave her your word or opened those doors in the first place.

[darkmoon]

if/when you 2 have children, you will need a good income, to say money is not everything is just irresponsible considering she wants a future with you

[alphamale]

your job/career is 10 times more important than someone you're dating

[Caauug]

Jobs are important, and money is important in building a nest etc.

 

 

But what is the cost of living like at the new job and will it take 2x the money to live there? Will you have more money in your pocket after everything is paid for?

 

 

What is the cost of living at the GF area? Combined incomes with GF and low cost of living could mean more savings in the long run.

 

 

Is there other employers in your line of work in new area if things go pair shaped at new job? Or are they the only one and there is no competition that is why they can charge/pay more?

 

 

Is there more work / jobs around GF for you and competition that is why wages are lower?

 

 

The grass is not always greener in jobs, I have had the top paying job in my field in a "One Horse Town" and hated it but stayed with it as the cost of living was dirt cheap compared to moving to the city for one paying more than double as it would have been spent on cost of living. Another time, I jumped ship on a good job only to find the new one was not what was promised, I was mislead.... I have also packed everything I needed into one bag and moved to the other side of the world for a girl, the best choice I have made in my life!!!

[basil67]

When my husband met me, he cancelled an overseas contract so that he could be with me and build a future. Love meant far more than money to him and this is what I love about him. And as it so happens, he built a great career here anyway.

 

That said, you chose career over her. This shows where your priorities are and you obviously made the right decision for yourself.

[BaileyB]

That said, you chose career over her. This shows where your priorities are and you obviously made the right decision for yourself.

 

Right. Just don’t expect her to follow you to the new job - especially when she was clear from the beginning that she’s would not do that. Go, hope the job works out for you, and see what happens with the relationship... it may well be done though.