DILEMNA: Holiday Weekend with Kids only vs. Kids and Ex

[Fractured_Heart]

Did you decide to go to that festival with your kids knowing full well (or at least having a strong suspicion) that your ex would be there?

 

If so, it sounds a little bit like emotional manipulation on your part, sorry to say.

 

What have your kids been told with regards arrangements to the festival?

 

We both knew that there was a strong chance both of us would end up there. We’ve gone for years, even before we knew each other. I chose to go for reasons cited previously - to not give up something I loved, to co-parent together in a mature way. As the date has drawn closer, I’ve grown concerned that I’m not emotionally ready. Thus, the kids have not been told what the plan is. I want to show up and hold my head high and have fun. At the same time I’m seeing that at least for now, family time together may not be wise.

[littleblackheart]

Sounds like you're thinking it through and that you are self-aware - that's all you can do at this point

[Fractured_Heart]

It’s not play pretend. In OPs mind maybe but the kids will be in a fun place with their mom, dad and grandma...three people who love them very much.

 

It’s eye opening to me to see how parents get the green light to put their feelings above their children’s so easily rather than being expected to suck it up for the kids.

 

I don’t get it.

 

I am five months out from my ex telling me she was leaving and 4 months out from separation. My ex has largely ignored my repeated suggestions that we enter mediation or counseling to move toward getting a parenting plan, child custody, etc. on paper. Quite literally, it's been a month by month process negotiating my parenting time.

 

Regardless, I have Indeed sucked it up - staying strong, engaging in what up to now have been friendly communication and interactions - and not avoiding family time. This holiday weekend is different - it's not just a day at the zoo, or dinner or a school concert. It's a long weekend in a small place with years of strong memories of a much different time.

 

I am extremely motivated not to subject my kids to my emotional crap around this and to remain strong. It's my responsibility as a good parent. That's exactly why I haven't talked to them about any plans - until I felt sure what I am capable of. Additionally, and as you point out in another post, kids are not stupid. They sense when a parent is uncomfortable and hurting.

 

I really appreciate the insights, advice and conversation here. Of any of the posts, this is the most convincing NOT to go next weekend.

[amaysngrace]

If you have physical custody just keep your children since you can’t work out a visitation arrangement. I’m sure she’d be willing to go to the courthouse then, when the tables are turned and she wants to see her kids. Currently you both have equal custody. I’m not sure why you’re allowing her to call all the shots and leaving everything up to her.

 

Don’t you have a lawyer?

[Fractured_Heart]

Well, thought about this a lot and I've made the decision to go. With lodging and passes already paid for and not a lot of other great options at this last minute, I'm going to roll with whatever comes. Though it's less my "territory", (she lived in this town for years), I do have a few friends, so at least will have some framework of support. I can't say I'm looking forward to it and don't like sending the message of being at her beck and call, but in reality it will be the work I do to get this divorce finalized and move on that really counts - not so much whether or not I go this weekend.

 

Bottom line - nothing I do has any influence on her actions, I've got five months of proof under my belt at this point. So I'll make it the best I can for my kids, not leave a bunch of wasted money on the table and do my best to roll through the inevitable emotional triggers. Quite possibly one of the worst decisions I've made in recent months, but I made my bed when I decided to go knowing full well there would be challenges, with or without her there.

 

Holding on to the things you love when they are strongly associated with the one who loved and left you has been a far greater challenge than I ever imagined.

[Mr. Lucky]

Holding on to the things you love when they are strongly associated with the one who loved and left you has been a far greater challenge than I ever imagined.

 

If they're places and/or items, pretty easily discarded and replaced with new.

 

My first post-separation holiday with my son was Thanksgiving. On the spur of the moment, made plans and took him to Hawaii, where he thought eating turkey at a luau on the beach was the coolest thing ever.

 

And that became part of our new normal...

 

Mr. Lucky