Married 6 yrs, finding out some things now

[gvn2fly]

My wife (37) and I (40) have been married almost 6 years (our anniversary is next week), together for 8. We have two kids (4 yrs and 7 mos). Our marriage hasn't always been the best - we resent each other for a few minor reasons, and we are intimate very infrequently. In fact, I think the last time we were intimate was when our younger one was conceived. It's not that I don't want to. But she didn't want to while pregnant (as I had traveled to a Zika-listed country for a family event), and now she nurses and co-sleeps with our infant so is always tired. Otherwise things are pleasant.

 

 

 

We are both professionals and maintain separate finances, although she contributes part of her paycheck to my account for mortgage and household expenses. Recently, though, she left her email account and her credit card account logged in on a shared computer, and I couldn't resist some snooping. Mostly benign stuff, but there were a couple of things that caught my attention:

 

 

1) Within the last two years, she reserved (and paid for) a hotel room near her workplace during the day on three separate occasions, using a site that allows you to book for the day. On two of those days, I was either out of town or about to head out (the third day I was in town). This is highly concerning to me, as she never mentioned any such thing to me.

 

 

 

2) Last month she spent a sizeable amount at a jewelry show. The transaction had a generic description on her credit card statement but I called the number for the business and they informed me that it was a one-day show and the amount sounds like a jewelry purchase. Now, my wife is not much of a jewelry person but we have been meaning to get our daughter something and it's likely that's what that was for. But after I noticed that charge, I asked her indirectly if she'd already found something or when we should look for it. She responded that she would never purchase a large item like that without discussing with me first.

 

 

 

Obviously, the first item is a much bigger concern for me. I looked around her phone calls and texts both on her phone and in our monthly phone statements, and don't see any suspicious activity there (no frequent calls or texts to any particular number). If she is having an affair, she's being very careful about it. But is there any legitimate reason at all for reserving hotel rooms during the day?

 

 

 

Importantly, though, how do I bring up these things with her, without revealing that I found her credit card statements? And what type of response should I expect? I'm sure she'll be furious with me for invading her privacy, so should I even tell her about the statements?

[d0nnivain]

You are married. Communication is a must but it seems to be lacking. Talk to her. Air your concerns. Talk to her about working your way back together.

[40somethingGuy]

Are you able to call the hotel and see who checked in? Reason I asked is if you confront she will say she booked it for her boss or something and got reimbursed. Obviously there is only one reason to book a hotel close to work and not tell you...she is having an affair with someone from work.

[Mr. Lucky]

Obviously there is only one reason to book a hotel close to work and not tell you...she is having an affair with someone from work.

 

Not true. When I used to work late nights or have meetings and have to be back at work early the next morning, I'd stay in the city near the job site. And if the OP was traveling, no real need to bring it up.

 

gvn2fly, I'd certainly keep my eyes open. Be careful though, about jumping to conclusions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

Yeah, without communication an affair seems unlikely. However the motel thing is odd, even if you were traveling you have two small children where were they? So day stay in a motel is odd. I cant see any reason she would need a room close to work during the day.

 

You know what, I actually can. My sister would often skip out on work and her family to just relax and decompress. But my brother in law is a dumba$$ so its totally understandable.

[mark clemson]

IF she is having an affair with someone she works with (or met random folks on Tinder or similar during the work day), then the hotel room would make sense.

 

It might be for some other more obscure purpose. Who knows.

 

You might consider installing a motion activated webcam inside your own home, e.g. near the front door, and programming it to record during the day. Just in case you get anything. Hotels can get expensive after a while. Talk to an attorney just to ensure this is legal/legit (I assume it is, but always best to check for your specific state).

 

The hotel thing is really only 1 red flag, not several. I agree that you should assume the best until proven otherwise and work on your closeness/intimacy in the meantime. Sexless marriages are no way to live for a partner with even modest drive IMO. If normal communication efforts don't work, consider MC.

[gvn2fly]

Sensible and supportive responses, thank you all. I agree that I should assume the best. Knowing my wife, she's not the type to indulge in an affair, which is why this discovery is so strange. For one, she's always been less sexual than me, ever since we met (although that was never a deal breaker), so it's unlikely she would have an affair to fulfill her physical needs. And two of those reservations I found were during her pregnancy.

 

 

 

That said, how best should I "keep my eyes open" or "assume the best"? I need practical advice. I assume asking her outright "what were you doing at XYZ hotel last February" would not go over so well? What if I were to make a reservation at one of those hotels on our anniversary during the day and surprise her at work?

[chryssy83]

Lack of communication isn’t that telling. There are a ton of apps to use to avoid having phone records and if they work together then they can use office phones and computers and talk in person during the day.

[FMW]

The jewelry charge wouldn't bother me at all, it's not suspicious, just maybe indulgent.

 

I would be seriously concerned about the hotel charges, however. Any explanation other than the obvious (hooking up with someone) seems like a creative stretch.

[Marc878]

My wife (37) and I (40) have been married almost 6 years (our anniversary is next week), together for 8. We have two kids (4 yrs and 7 mos). Our marriage hasn't always been the best - we resent each other for a few minor reasons, and we are intimate very infrequently. In fact, I think the last time we were intimate was when our younger one was conceived. It's not that I don't want to. But she didn't want to while pregnant (as I had traveled to a Zika-listed country for a family event), and now she nurses and co-sleeps with our infant so is always tired. Otherwise things are pleasant.

 

No intimacy for 19 months? Things are pleasant?

 

You don't currently have a marriage you're just roommates.

 

It seems you're also affraid of her. Why?

[Mr. Lucky]

Knowing my wife, she's not the type to indulge in an affair, which is why this discovery is so strange. For one, she's always been less sexual than me, ever since we met (although that was never a deal breaker), so it's unlikely she would have an affair to fulfill her physical needs. And two of those reservations I found were during her pregnancy.

 

Just a few hours spent reading here would prove many of those assumptions wrong. Affairs, especially for women, aren't always about physical needs and many in fact say they didn't particularly enjoy the sex. Wandering spouses are often in search of an emotional connection first, one which, from your description, might be missing from your marriage.

 

That said, how best should I "keep my eyes open" or "assume the best"? I need practical advice.

 

You keep doing what you're doing, eyes open, ears up. Look for anomalies, unusual patterns and strange occurrences. Check any email, text, phone and/or social media accounts you have access to. As the Mafia says, trust but verify.

 

And address the current disconnect between the two of you. 16 months puts you in the "sexless marriage" category ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Is she cheating? Is the question you seek.

 

You have some concerns. Hotel rooms at work are not normal. Lack of intimacy that early in a marriage is not normal.

 

At this time you don't really know what you're dealing with but its not good.

 

I'd schedule a date night once a week if you can. Get a babysitter.

 

You should be sharing in the household duties if you aren't. It's not up to one person if you both work. However, do not go totally overboard (which many do in these cases). Do your share only. Never do the "pick me dance" or try too hard at nicing her back. Those things can lower your status even more.

 

Keep you eyes and ears open. Does she guard her phone? Dress differently for work, any changes that stand out? Work hours longer now?

 

If it is a workplace affair they are the hardest to detect.

[Marc878]

Knowing my wife, she's not the type to indulge in an affair, which is why this discovery is so strange. For one, she's always been less sexual than me, ever since we met (although that was never a deal breaker), so it's unlikely she would have an affair to fulfill her physical needs.

 

I can't tell you how many time folks come here and say this only to find out differently. I hope yours is not the case.

 

What if I were to make a reservation at one of those hotels on our anniversary during the day and surprise her at work?

 

Don't play childish games around this. If you need to know you could ask her what's going on but from what I've seen if it is an affair most will lie and go deeper undercover.

 

You can place a voice activated recorder in her car or hit a PI if you can afford it.

If it were me I'd start reading the signs more before I went that route but being in the dark is not a good place to be.

[Marc878]

Buying expensive jewelry may or may not be much of a clue but if she never wears it or bought it before it may have been a gift.

 

How much was it?

[usa1ah]

What possible reason other then an affair would your wife have for booking a hotel room?

 

Just ask her about the hotel.

 

“Dear wife what went on at such and such hotel?”

 

“Why were you there on this day?”

 

Just let on that you only know of one time and then ask if there was other times she was there. If she lies and says no, then she is hiding an affair.

 

You don’t have to tell her how you know.

[zouz71]

op ,

 

Don't ask her or confront her ,

 

if you do she will be more cautious ,and you will never be able to find the truth .

-if you have access to her phone enable tracking through it .

-were you able to know the kind of item she bought , is it a watch ?

 

Watch and wait now ...

until you get answers , not from her ...

[Just a Guy]

Hi gvn, any updates? Have you found or got what you wanted from this forum? Whatever be the reality of your situation the fact is that your marriage is withering away and neither of you seem to be concerned about rejuvenating it. If it is going to end then you might as well end it now and on an amicable note. There is no need to let it fester. A question you might like to ask your wife is whether she wants to remain being married to you. If she asks why you are asking her this question then tell her that you get the feeling that you two seem to be drifting apart and that there is no intimacy between you two to indicate that your relationship is flourishing. Listen carefully to what and and how she answers your question. Best wishes.

Edited May 30, 2019 by Just a Guy

[stillafool]

When my ex husband and I had a fight or weren't speaking I would rent a hotel room for the day just to decompress, be alone and order room service with champagne. Just relax. Our home was less than 10 blocks away. So maybe that is what your wife did. You should ask her about it instead of assuming the worse.

[Buffer]

Brother it has been a while, have you been able to raise any of your concerns?

I have read all of the posts. Lots of good advice. I can only recommend communication. Start slowly over a few days get her to open up to you. Date nights, maybe a weekend away with out the children, romantic, just the two weeks of you. Talk of the good times with you two and your children. This is to show her you care and still are in love with her.

When the communication has improved (this may take time).

Then ease into “Do you still want to be married to me”? Then respectfully raise the motel room when you were in town, the jewellery, and finally the other rooms when you were away. I am sure she will be defensive and maybe even attack your questioning her. Again respectfully say “if it was reversed” and you had done the purchase and motel bookings, what would she think?

She may retort it was for a co worker who paid her back, ok proof please, show when the payment was made back to her account. She may say cash payment but not for all, sorry I don’t accept that.

She may reply with her friend is having a affair and she was asked to help. This may also be the case. Your response would then be guided on your moral code. Never help a cheating person cheat, (that’s me). As you get pulled into their wicked Webb.

Communicate to her that it is a issue for you! Not knowing, it is hurting you, it has affected your life, work even the trust you have for her, maybe even you health. You could even raise that it has taken the desire for sex. If she is dismissive of you, your questioning, or provides a answer that doesn’t gell, then again respectfully say it just doesn’t feel right, sorry I cannot accept that. But keep the communication going at a respectful tone don’t let it be shut down.

Sex is sex I won’t comment on that, some think it has to be every day, a week, month or longer. I don’t know your and her history, in you current and past relationships.

Edited June 4, 2019 by Buffer
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