She Won't Let Go and I Can't Stop

[47Knucklehead]

I'm ashamed to even be posting this, but I have been lurking for some time now and I was hoping for some advice as to what to do. I turn 51 next month and I feel like I have destroyed my life. I want to get back to being the man I used to be, but it may be too late.

 

 

My wife and I married in 1991 and we have one child, a 21 year old daughter.

 

 

For the first 23 years of our marriage life seemed good. We got along splendidly and I was making good money working for myself. By the mid-2000s my wife and I were on easy street. I was making about 7 figures a year, we lived in a nice house in a nice upscale neighborhood and our daughter was attending private school. The American dream come true.

 

 

Then in October 2014 it all came crashing down: a phone call from the wife of a friend of mine telling me my wife and her husband had been engaged in what was essentially a marriage behind both our backs for years. Then came a packet that same afternoon from the woman's private investigator, complete with phone logs, pictures, hotel receipts, plane ticket stubs, etc. I sat in my office and cried like a baby for hours. Then I went to a bar and got drunk. I took a taxi home where my wife was waiting at the front door, furious that I had not called her. As I staggered through the front door I shoved the packet in her hands.

 

 

Then came the wailing, the crying, the down on her knees begging... I don't remember much. It was all like a foggy dream. I seem to recall in my stupor that our daughter had come down the stairs wondering what all the commotion was about. More blurred words and then yelling and then screaming, and then she was at my feet again crying and begging me to understand and to not divorce her. I think I just got up and went into my home office and locked the door. I passed out on the couch in there.

 

 

Not to belabor the story, but my life did a 180 that night. When I got up the next morning I puked up my guts, called a taxi and went back to the bar to get my car. Then I just drove. I drove, and drove, and drove and by that evening I was in Oklahoma, probably 500 miles from home. I stayed at a B&B in a small town there, the name of which I cannot remember. I called my secretary and told her I would be out of pocket for a few days. I stayed drunk the whole time.

 

 

I came back a week later. The wife followed me around like a sheepdog, crying and stroking me. It was pathetic. Then came a year of marriage counseling, STD tests, church, spiritual teachings, reading books on building back marriages, blah, blah and more blah. My wife extricated herself from all her social groups, quit her clubs and focused on us. It was nice of her, I have to give her credit for doing what she could.

 

 

The wife of the ex piece of crap friend divorced him and took him to the cleaners. But I wanted revenge against life. So I took it.

 

 

In late 2015 I sold my business to my partner, cashed in a mutual fund and paid off the house and my wife's car. I took a huge lump of savings out and put it in an account only I could access. Then I left. I didn't tell anyone. I packed what I could fit in my car and I left. I drove to California, telling no one where I was going. I got to LA and called my wife and told her I needed a year off, and that I would be back. She begged me to come home, but said she would wait for me. She wasn't angry, and said she understood I was in pain and that she would wait for me to do what I had to do.

 

 

After I got to California I dove headfirst into a very dangerous life. I wanted to obliterate the pain. I wanted all the humiliation and sense of inadequacy to go away. I felt worthless, weak and not a man. So I started working out ferociously, lost weight and gained a ton of muscle. I got tattoos on both arms and my chest, spent thousands on a Harley Davidson, shaved my head, grew a beard and became a totally different person from who I had been all my life. I wanted to kill that worthless man I thought I was.

 

 

I blew through savings. I drank myself to sleep every night. I stopped sleeping. I got in fistfights and brawls. I hurt people and got hurt in return.

 

 

And then there were the women. I hired a call girl the first night I got there, then that became a habit. After a month of that, I got involved with a series of short time relationships with women I would meet at bars and parties. Each conquest of a new woman was followed by an emptiness I couldn't fill, so I would go out and seek another woman, and another.

 

 

I also got involved with some very dangerous people, and saw things and participated in things I cannot talk about even here. It was a dark dismal hell I had embraced. I shudder when I remember some of those things. This went on for about two and a half years.

 

 

Then I got drunk one night in September 2018 and wrecked my hog and ended up in the hospital. (Somehow, I got lucky and was not arrested for DUI.) I fractured my left ankle, lost half the skin off my back, and suffered a severe concussion that blinded me in my right eye for about a month. My wife flew from our home state and when I woke up she was there at the foot of my bed. She was crying and kissing my face. At that moment all the anger I had towards her melted away and was replaced by shame. I was ashamed at doing what I had done to myself and her.

 

 

When I was released a few days later I packed up and flew back home with my wife. She cared for me like a nurse and never left my side. I know she is sorry for what she did and I am convinced she does truly love me. I can see through her actions she hates herself for what she did, but now I hate myself even more for what I did to myself.

 

So now I'm here trying to figure out how to tell her where I have been and what I have done. She doesn't know much, but she hasn't prompted me either. I realize now that I don't want to lose her. She has done so much to change herself. I have talked to my daughter and others and they have all told me that my wife had been faithful from the day I left until I came back, and that she waited for me and told everyone I would be coming home. She never stopped believing in me.

 

 

I want to tell her the truth, but I fear to let her see the bad man I have become. My body carries all the proof, but to her credit she has not judged me, nor has she pushed me to know where I went or what I was up to those two years I was gone. I'm lost and I don't know if I can aver get back to the man I was.

 

 

If anyone has some advice or has been through the same thing, I would welcome your advice.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I suggest you go to therapy together and talk about it there. Sounds like you need it. Your reaction to your wife's infidelity was beyond extreme.

[Bryanp]

I suggest that you follow the advice given by cautiously optimistic.

 

I am curious as to what reasons your wife gave you initially for living a secret life with her OM. What did she expect your reaction to be from this?

[mark clemson]

They say to never let a crisis go to waste. I think you can apply that logic to your bike accident. Like the D-day (sorry to hear about that BTW) and the decision to leave, perhaps this can be an opportunity to become the next iteration of you.

 

I'm going to assume and hope you're not addicted to meth or similar and so will be able to follow this advice. You've seen where a life of crime and debauchery leads - no place good. But those behaviors were at least in part context-dependent. There's no place for them in your old house and neighborhood, correct?

 

So strongly consider staying there. Find new things to do, give yourself a new purpose. Make sure it's meaningful to you so it can stick but without being dangerous like your old path was.

 

Once you're settled you may find that, as part of what you do, you'll be one of a pretty small number of people qualified to help and advise those who are trying to get out of that life. If you care for it, there'll be a role for you in helping them out. Just don't let yourself get sucked back into it. And be sure you have a plan for what to do if any of your old buddies look you up and start coming around.

 

As for what to tell your wife, some around here may not agree but I think she's got the gist. Tell her what else she NEEDS to know, but IMO there's no need to give every last gory detail.

 

Hopefully you can make this work. It's a LOT better than heading back into the madness. I assume you don't simply wish to die.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

As for what to tell your wife, some around here may not agree but I think she's got the gist. Tell her what else she NEEDS to know, but IMO there's no need to give every last gory detail.

 

Agree! Unless you now have a baby she doesn't know about, or the FBI is going to pound your door down, or you have murdered someone, I think the "gist" will probably suffice.

[Mr. Lucky]

If anyone has some advice or has been through the same thing, I would welcome your advice.

 

I don't sense in your post the outcome you want for your marriage? Not that anyone could blame you, but it's pretty obvious you haven't forgiven your wife.

 

But I wanted revenge against life. So I took it.

 

You weren't struck by lightning or whacked by a falling meteor. Your wife cheated on you, with a friend, for years. Unless and until you deal with the very natural feelings that betrayal would engender, hard to see how living under the same roof will help either of you.

 

As Yoda said, "beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they". You have some issues you need to work through with a good therapist before you can decide on the next step...

 

Mr. lucky

[47Knucklehead]

I suggest that you follow the advice given by cautiously optimistic.

 

I am curious as to what reasons your wife gave you initially for living a secret life with her OM. What did she expect your reaction to be from this?

 

They were in a running club together and started getting too close and it escalated to an affair. Once in it they tried several times to break up but fell back into it. It probably would have been going to this day had the other guy’s wife not found out.

 

I don’t think she ever thought about how I would react. She said she was in her own world with him and I existed in another world.

[47Knucklehead]

I'm going to assume and hope you're not addicted to meth or similar and so will be able to follow this advice. You've seen where a life of crime and debauchery leads - no place good. But those behaviors were at least in part context-dependent. There's no place for them in your old house and neighborhood, correct?

 

 

Coke. Yes I would say I have a habit now. Except for possession I wasn’t committing crimes directly. I got involved in a very dangerous sexual lifestyle that involved lots of swinging, group sex, sex clubs and the like. Not that those activities are bad in and of themselves, but I was doing it nearly three or more times a week. Not the way a married man should conduct himself.

 

There are many addicts in my neighborhood and among the people I know here. They’re just wealthy so they can hide it better.

[pepperbird]

If you don't mind a bit of advice, here it is...

 

 

first off, I would take some time to really think about your marriage and what you want it to be like from here on out.

 

I would also be 100 percent honest with your wife, and ask her to do the same with you. No more secrets. No lies. No half truths. As you've seen these have a way of coming back to bite you in derriere. Get yourselves out in front of it. Get yourselves into therapy together, and include your daughter as well in some family sessions. This has to have impacted her as well.

 

When you feel like you're on a stable footing as a family, I would highly consider moving to somewhere new. A fresh environment can sometimes be really helpful. Think of it like taking a "scorched earth" approach to your former marriage. It's burned down, but you can rebuild it, if that's what you both want to do.

[mark clemson]

Coke. Yes I would say I have a habit now. Except for possession I wasn’t committing crimes directly. I got involved in a very dangerous sexual lifestyle that involved lots of swinging, group sex, sex clubs and the like. Not that those activities are bad in and of themselves, but I was doing it nearly three or more times a week. Not the way a married man should conduct himself.

 

There are many addicts in my neighborhood and among the people I know here. They’re just wealthy so they can hide it better.

 

 

So, think the first thing to do is get off the powder. Rehab?

 

I'm going to assume you've been tested for STDs. If not, clearly you'll want to do that.

 

You're going to need a new "life" to replace all this with. Otherwise you're at very high risk of slipping back. So, be thinking about what you want to do with yourself that wouldn't be destructive. Once you're fully resolved, fully clean, and can fully stick to it, maybe something like an MFT might be good. (They do a lot of drug counseling.) But you'll have to do or think of what works for you.

 

If you're genuinely addicted to coke, you're unlikely to be able to go clean without help of some kind.

[loversquarrel]

Well op you and I have shared a very similar experience. I too fell into a life of heavy drinking, drugs, womanizing and fighting. My ordeal lasted six years. During that time I divorced my wife as I was just having too much fun, at least for the time. When I did finally find myself I was forever a changed man. I am less trusting, harder on other people, I treat my relationships with women much less seriously and I'm just not the good guy I used to be. It has served me well as far as relationships go as I am no longer fearful of walking out on them if they don't work out. Good luck with your decision, but I think it would serve you well to divorce and heal, then choose someone who won't hurt you like that, those women do exist and they are worth it.

[47Knucklehead]

Ive been wanting to go to rehab but I have become fairly dependent. I went out late last night and scored a couple of grams and when I got home my wife knew something was up. She wants us to talk when she gets home from work tonight. Im coming off and in a ****ty mood. Its hard to stay level. But I think I might as well lay it all out for her. I’ll come back and let you all know how it went.

 

Thanks for your support.

[healing light]

You really do need to seriously consider rehab--I am not sure how you are going to kick this habit safely without some professional help and oversight. You won't be able to go back to the stability of your former life without getting rid of the drug use and you owe it to yourself and whatever future relationships you engage in to get clean.

 

What are the reasons you would be hesitant to do rehab? Come clean to the wife and hopefully with her support you can get checked into a facility that specializes in this type of thing. There is no shame in getting help, that's why these places exist.

 

Also, ditto on the STD test.

 

It's not too late for you.

 

Addictions tend to mask deeper pain or wounds that people are trying to escape from, so it would be worth exploring this angle in therapy so that you can appropriately process the betrayal and develop healthier coping mechanisms when life gives you a ***** sandwich.

[preraph]

Sorry the turn your life took. You have been anesthetizing the pain and it hasn't worked.

 

You need to simply tell your wife you need to get into rehab. If you can afford it, you should go to an inhouse facility and be there for however long it takes. If you are low on funds, at a bare minimum, you have to quit and get into Narcotics Anonymous where you'll have a sponsor to help you and group support. It works for a lot of people. Just tell her. She knows she kicked this whole thing off.

[The Outlaw]

I've never been married but I'll tell you what I think. You've seen her at her worst, and she's seen you at yours, but that's part of what marriage or any solid relationship is. And she knows she's responsible for it, and it seems like she's trying to make the best of it and change for the better. She stuck around for you just as she said she would, and she didn't leave your hospital bed. I don't condone cheating and I never will, but we all make mistakes. How we chose to react to them is our choice. I don't think for a single second she'd judge you for what you did the years you were gone. You're trying to change back into who you were. But the best you can do, and others have already said it is to get into rehab. Get into some sort of program. Go to counseling. It's going to be a long road, but it doesn't have to be a difficult one. Forgive her and forgive yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but it's a better route than just holding onto the hurt we've experienced in the past. But I wish you the best of luck.

[loversquarrel]

OP, my drugs of choice were coke and alcohol. It's far easier to walk away from coke than booze. Rehab will get you away temporarily but you'll still have marital problems on your plate after treatment. Be up front with your wife and keep it in the back of your mind that she owes it to you to not get upset. I've been there and I gave my ex a revenge affair on the way out so I know what it's like.

[michzz]

My thinking is that because you could not raise your wife up to the pedestal you had placed her upon, that you decided to drop further than she had already done to herself.

 

The illusion of what you thought your wife is was smashed when you so shockingly found out what she was doing.

 

The wife of her cheating partner did you no favors by just dropping this bomb on you.

 

In her pain and anger all she could see is her need to hurt her husband on her way to divorcing him.

 

I totally get that the anger is what made her able to cope with her own pain.

 

You, on the other hand, have obviously not handled your pain well at all. I think you know that.

 

Before even thinking that you have restored your marriage because she is doing some butt-kissing currently, I would caution you that you need to evaluate your own life choices and how to heal to a healthy place.

 

You blew through your money, degraded yourself, harmed your self physically, and more.

 

Now both you and your wife have done things to damage your marriage and your wellbeing.

 

Get yourselves tested for STIs, find a good individual therapist, and only after you are ready for more than that should you consider the fate of your marriage beyond staying neutral about it.

[47Knucklehead]

Thank you for all your replies. Your encouragement has been a godsend.

 

 

Well my wife and I spent the weekend doing a lot of crying, yelling and hugging and talking. I don't think in all our years together we have ever talked so much, even after DDay. It wasn't pretty. I laid it all out for her. She asked a lot of questions. I answered as best I could, although my memory of a lot of the things that happened is foggy as I was high a lot of the time.

 

 

She was understandably shocked, then mad, then sad, then mad, etc. It went back and forth all day Saturday. At one point she had to leave the house and go for a drive and cool off because she was so rattled. But I'm glad I told her. It was cathartic. When she came back Saturday evening she asked me to go see a doctor and get tested, which I am going to do later today. I was going to do that anyways.

 

 

She wants to stay in the marriage. She said that she deserves what I did and that she blames herself for everything. I told her that no spouse deserves what I did to her. She was responsible for her years-long affair, but I was totally responsible for all the stuff I did. I completely debased myself and others for some sick angry pleasure. All that is on me, and I have to live with the repercussions.

 

 

Since my leg is still in a cast, the treatment center I want to go to says they cannot take me yet, but the intake person there is going to send me info on some outpatient treatment I can go to until my leg is fully healed. They want me to attend NA also, so I'm looking up some nearby groups. I'm not out of the woods yet. I used again yesterday. My wife knows, although she has asked that I do not do that stuff around her. She says she loves me and that she will do what she needs to do to help me, and that she will stand by me during treatment.

 

 

As for money, we are okay. I still have savings left. She makes a good income with her salary. Our house is paid for so all we have are utilities and taxes. So financially we are okay. I'm just gutted when I look at all the money I pissed away partying and buying blow. We're talking well above $250k over two years. I'm disgusted with myself.

 

 

As for the marriage, we have agreed to stay in a holding pattern until after I get through treatment. She wants to go to marriage counseling, but I told her that we both need to get in the right headspace first, and then decide if we want to stay married.

 

Last night we slept together for the first time in over two years. She came in the guest bedroom late last night and laid down with me. We just held each other. We're not ready to have sex yet. That won't be for a long time probably. She's angry and hurt and felling guilty. She has been crying a lot, and so have I.

 

 

So we shall see.

[loversquarrel]

It's a long road to overcome everything. I chose divorce and ultimately ended up with a woman who saw and partially experienced what I went through. I pulled through, I'm in a healthy relationship with a truly good woman, I've stopped the drugs but I'm on psyche meds now and do on occasion dip into the booze. I still have my struggles with trust and I always will. Just know that although the road is a long one and you will have tough decisions to make you will be OK. It took me a solid decade to get to where I'm at. Good luck to you.

[47Knucklehead]

It's a long road to overcome everything. I chose divorce and ultimately ended up with a woman who saw and partially experienced what I went through. I pulled through, I'm in a healthy relationship with a truly good woman, I've stopped the drugs but I'm on psyche meds now and do on occasion dip into the booze. I still have my struggles with trust and I always will. Just know that although the road is a long one and you will have tough decisions to make you will be OK. It took me a solid decade to get to where I'm at. Good luck to you.

 

 

 

Thank you for the encouragement.

[emotionallybroken9]

This story breaks my heart. I’m so sorry you went through that. I bet death itself would have been merciful in those dark years. You tried to kill “yourself,” but your physical form is still here.

 

Don’t regret the money spent. Money is a resource to be spent. You spent it to heal. Doesn’t matter HOW much. You NEEDED ago find a way to heal. I’m guessing this is your first time as well. It sucks navigating through this huh.

 

Just wanted to post and say I’m rooting for you. I hope you two figure out how to start a new, better life together.

 

Sending love.

[BTDT2012]

I hope you are able to conquer your addiction, and make decisions with a clear mind.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, this is such an instructional thread with so many good posts. I hope it helps you tremendously. It is sure to help many who read it. I've been going through a rough patch lately, but your thread and the replies on it have given me hope. Thanks for that! Wishing you the best!

[lolita888]

It always amazes me how these cheaters reacts after they got caught. They never felt anything during their years of infidelity but now they act all faithful.

 

I feel sorry for your daughter. Finding out about her mother's infidelity must be painful and who knows if she really stopped all of her connection to that OM.

 

It is sad that you had to ruin (almost) your life because of it. It is understandable but at the same time it shows your weakness.

 

You need not to tell your wife. It may just become a reason for her to justify her infidelity. But if you really feel the need to confess to your wife, then go ahead. If you think it will help you then go ahead. She may understand feel guilty for what she has done.

 

 

Like they said maybe it is better to have a therapy.

[Redhead14]

Bad behavior by your wife does not justify bad behavior on your part. You need to man up and tell her what's been going on. You are obligated to let her know that you may have exposed yourself to disease and you both need to be tested.

 

Now is not the time for wallowing and self-pity. You expected and demanded repentant behavior from your wife, which I am sure included transparency and you owe her the same in order to climb the level that your wife is operating at in terms of salvaging the relationship, etc.

 

Don't waste anymore time. I'm not one to sugarcoat issues or coddle a person who is operating with a victim mentality. It's time to be a survivor and get on the road that will allow you to look back on all this and recognize it as something of an accomplishment to have risen out of the ashes of crisis instead of looking back and saying "I should have done more". You owe it to your daughter.

 

Get into individual and couples counseling immediately and get to a doctor.