Should I assume this guy isn’t interested anymore?

[greenlights0000]

I met this guy at an happy hour, he asked for my number so I gave it to him. Before he asked, he said, I hope I’m not too forward by asking for your number I said that he wasn’t being forward. Anyway he texted me that night and the next day. The first night that he texted he said I was sweet the next day he said, how my day was. I haven’t heard from him since. I’m not going to text him, I learned from past experiences I should never text a guy. It’s been 4 days, is it a safe bet move on?

 

Then I start second guessing myself that I should have come on to him more so that he can get a hint, but then again my actions isn’t my fault, he’s the man he’s suppose to pursue in the beginning.

Edited May 17, 2019 by greenlights0000

[nospam99]

The first night that he texted he said I was sweet the next day he said, how my day was. I haven’t heard from him since. I’m not going to text him, I learned from past experiences I should never text a guy.

You're not going to text him??? After he texted you to ask how your day was? Did you bother to text him to answer his question? Dayum, girl. Show SOME interest or you've lost his. And past experience taught you to NEVER text a guy? Every guy is an individual. Treat them as individuals instead of knee-jerk ROOLZ. Again, showing no interest!

but then again my actions isn’t my fault, he’s the man he’s suppose to pursue in the beginning.

 

No, the man is NOT 'supposed' to pursue from the beginning. It's a DANCE of communication. If you don't dance, don't be surprised if a guy moves on looking for an interested partner.

[greenlights0000]

You're not going to text him??? After he texted you to ask how your day was? Did you bother to text him to answer his question? Dayum, girl. Show SOME interest or you've lost his. And past experience taught you to NEVER text a guy? Every guy is an individual. Treat them as individuals instead of knee-jerk ROOLZ. Again, showing no interest!

 

No, the man is NOT 'supposed' to pursue from the beginning. It's a DANCE of communication. If you don't dance, don't be surprised if a guy moves on looking for an interested partner.

 

Of course I texted him when he asked me that question. DUH. After that, the conversation just died there. There is no way in hell I’m going to initiate a text. There has been times that I’ve done that in the beginning and you know? I’ve been called a stalker, clingy, etc only to find out that the guy was interested in someone else. A girl CHASING a man looks ugly. What do you want to do? Ask him to dinner on Saturday night? I don’t have a manhood

[stillafool]

Well since you expect him to do all the work forget about this guy and keep looking. Hope it works out for you because it's a new day.

[d0nnivain]

You have some very rigid & old fashioned ideas about dating. Men are not mind-readers. They are human beings with anxieties & worries just like women. It's really unfair to expect the other person to take all the risks & always initiate. Being gracious, warm, inviting & open is hardly chasing. You probably came across to him as closed off & uninterested. I'm sure you didn't mean to because obviously you liked the guy enough to give him your number but I suspect he received a different impression.

 

If you are a woman who won't initiate & who has inflexible gender roles in the early stages of dating that is fine, but then you have to go out of your way to make your interest clear -- not hint, not flirt, not being coy -- straight up telegraph that he has a bright green light to continue pursuing you.

 

Men can be clueless. When I was single I met this guy at a singles event. I thought I was flirting my a$$ off with him, being obvious & forward. He happened to be in the market for my professional business services. As we were wrapping up because I had another appointment, I handed him my card & said I'd be happy to help him professionally but I'd be happier if he called me for personal reasons. I winked, handed him the card & left. He did call & we went out to dinner. On the date he confessed that if I hadn't said that he never would have called because he didn't think I was interested & he thought I was "out of his league." I hate that phrase / concept but that is another story. My point is you can be bold without chasing or being "easy." Try it.

[greenlights0000]

You have some very rigid & old fashioned ideas about dating. Men are not mind-readers. They are human beings with anxieties & worries just like women. It's really unfair to expect the other person to take all the risks & always initiate. Being gracious, warm, inviting & open is hardly chasing. You probably came across to him as closed off & uninterested. I'm sure you didn't mean to because obviously you liked the guy enough to give him your number but I suspect he received a different impression.

 

If you are a woman who won't initiate & who has inflexible gender roles in the early stages of dating that is fine, but then you have to go out of your way to make your interest clear -- not hint, not flirt, not being coy -- straight up telegraph that he has a bright green light to continue pursuing you.

 

Men can be clueless. When I was single I met this guy at a singles event. I thought I was flirting my a$$ off with him, being obvious & forward. He happened to be in the market for my professional business services. As we were wrapping up because I had another appointment, I handed him my card & said I'd be happy to help him professionally but I'd be happier if he called me for personal reasons. I winked, handed him the card & left. He did call & we went out to dinner. On the date he confessed that if I hadn't said that he never would have called because he didn't think I was interested & he thought I was "out of his league." I hate that phrase / concept but that is another story. My point is you can be bold without chasing or being "easy." Try it.

 

So what would you do in my situation? I showed him interest my giving him number. I’ve had people give me advice on how I should never initiate contact with a guy, let him come to you, let him miss you, etc, etc. after reading some of the posts on here, about some women being clingy, I have to take a step back.

 

 

Have I been given the wrong advice? Are these women that tell me I should let him come to me have sabatoged my chances of dating?

[d0nnivain]

Nobody sabotaged you. You can to some extent let the other person come to you. All I'm saying is put out a welcome mat.

 

Text him something light & pithy today like Happy Saturday . . .nothing deep, no questions just a short reminder that you still exist. See if that gets a response. If it does. flirt. If it doesn't delete & move on.

[nospam99]

he’s the man he’s suppose to pursue in the beginning.

 

BTW, now I'm curious about 'pursue'... and watch my bolding for indications of 'her' interest

 

I'm male. I'm meeting my 'potentials' on OLD. I usually (99 times out of 100) 'make the first move' by sending a message which includes an expression of my interest in meeting and a question about whether she wants to meet. Is that 'good enough' pursuit?

 

If her response indicates she wants to meet, I offer my phone # and an invitation to chat with the intention of arranging a meeting. Pursuit?

 

If she agrees to meet and upon meeting (which as often as not lasts for a couple of hours and includes a light meal at my expense) I am interested enough in continuing to see her, I ask her on (another) date. Pursuit?

 

If she accepts my date invitation 'pursuit' is OVER. We are dating. I may continue to ask her out, she may ask me out, and 'we' see how it goes. Do I 'pursue' as much as much as YOU think I'm 'supposed' to? On the other side of the coin, do YOU respond to my pursuit model the way I indicated I expect from a woman to assess whether she's interested?

[stillafool]

This guy was never really that interested and after 4 days he's moved on to someone else. It happens OP I doubt your being friendlier would have made a difference.

[The Outlaw]

Four days is too early to throw in the towel and move on. He could be busy, or waiting to see if you'll text him.

[anika99]

You showed your interest by giving him your number. Then all he does is send you a couple of lame texts instead of calling you and asking you out. That doesn't signify much interest in my opinion.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Of course I texted him when he asked me that question. DUH. After that, the conversation just died there. There is no way in hell I’m going to initiate a text. There has been times that I’ve done that in the beginning and you know? I’ve been called a stalker, clingy, etc only to find out that the guy was interested in someone else. A girl CHASING a man looks ugly. What do you want to do? Ask him to dinner on Saturday night? I don’t have a manhood

 

Did you ask him a question in return or just answer his question? Conversation is a two-way street.

[greenlights0000]

You showed your interest by giving him your number. Then all he does is send you a couple of lame texts instead of calling you and asking you out. That doesn't signify much interest in my opinion.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking. If he was interested he would have at least asked to meet up. I responded to everyone of his texts. I doubt even if I sent him a sexy text he still would have not asked to meetup. For example-last year I meet this guy while I was out playing pool, he asked for my number, he immediately asked me out on a date the same night we met! I was interested but did I have to ask him 1,000 questions? NO. I was flirty with him. He showed me great confidence that he approached me, asked for my number and asked me out on a date on day 1.

 

 

This new guy that I met last week. Either this new guy has no confidence, moved on to someone or just wasn’t interested anymore .

[Gretchen12]

Men who ask for numbers, get numbers from many women. They don't just ask every 3 years. Women who get hit on, get hit on often. So I'd give the same advice to both men and women: If you get a number, or you gave out your number, don't start thinking this is it. It's not once in a lifetime so no reason to get worked up.

[elaine567]

If she accepts my date invitation 'pursuit' is OVER. We are dating. I may continue to ask her out, she may ask me out, and 'we' see how it goes. Do I 'pursue' as much as much as YOU think I'm 'supposed' to? On the other side of the coin, do YOU respond to my pursuit model the way I indicated I expect from a woman to assess whether she's interested?

I would have assumed the age group you are dating ie around 60, would prefer more "pursuit" from you past the first date, but I could be wrong...

[Cinnamon_Girl]

I struggle with this, as well. I've given men such big hints that it feels like I'm hitting them with a brick, and yelling "Hey, I'm interested in you!"

Later, these same guys have told me they didn't have a clue.

 

If you are really interested, why not try just a casual text, asking him how's he's been?

If no response, then you know for sure he's not interested.

[nospam99]

I've given men such big hints that it feels like I'm hitting them with a brick, and yelling ''Hey, I'm interested in you!''

Later, these same guys have told me they didn't have a clue.

 

 

Ladies, (and that includes both the OP and Cinnamon Girl) what's it take for you to 'get' that what you see as 'hints' are invisible to 'us' guys??? There is a LOT of room between what you think is a hint and 'hitting them with a brick'. How about you just ASK THEM OUT for something as low key as coffee? You expect it of us when we're trying to find out if you're interested. Put the shoe on your foot!

 

The 'uncertainty gap' has always been a problem. In my 20s a buddy and I used to joke about printing up business cards with something like ''You're hot. Wanna go out?'' on them and walking around the mall handing them out. Only a joke since we were pretty sure we'd be more likely to be escorted out by security than to hit a woman with both enough of a sense of humor AND reciprocal interest that she'd take us up on the 'very' cold contact.

[elaine567]

Perceived "hot" women tend to not to have to go to such lengths to get a guy interested. His tongue is hanging out and she just needs to look in his direction for him to take the hint.

If you are having to hit them with a brick to get them to notice you, then maybe it is not worth the bother.

[d0nnivain]

Perceived "hot" women tend to not to have to go to such lengths to get a guy interested. His tongue is hanging out and she just needs to look in his direction for him to take the hint.

If you are having to hit them with a brick to get them to notice you, then maybe it is not worth the bother.

 

That's not necessarily true. See my post # 5. I thought I was hitting the guy in the head with a brick I was so flirty & forward. Until I point blank instructed him to call me, he had no idea I was interested.

 

Heck the night I met the man who is now my husband I pulled out almost every trick I had but he didn't seem to be biting. When he finally contacted me I was devastated because I thought he was trying to put together a business meeting. Sometimes it's just not as straightforward & obvious as we think it is.

[elaine567]

"Too hot" or "out of my league is a different issue.

As is a guy with a lack of social skills, lack of dating experience, too hurt, too wounded, too rusty etc.

[JuneL]

That's not necessarily true. See my post # 5. I thought I was hitting the guy in the head with a brick I was so flirty & forward. Until I point blank instructed him to call me, he had no idea I was interested.

 

Heck the night I met the man who is now my husband I pulled out almost every trick I had but he didn't seem to be biting. When he finally contacted me I was devastated because I thought he was trying to put together a business meeting. Sometimes it's just not as straightforward & obvious as we think it is.

 

But it’s because your guy lacked social skills :laugh:

[d0nnivain]

But it’s because your guy lacked social skills :laugh:

 

huh?

 

My husband is a shy introvert. He's polite & a good conversationalist.

 

I'm bad at internet / emojiis. Are you insulting me / him or making a joke that I missed?

[chillii]

Hi don, it's often not that us guys don't see it but l tell ya as most guys would, we've seen it had it all from women and found out the hard way they do all kinds of crap and it often amounts to nothing, zero , at crunch time, or a well l never look on their face when you do respond, or excuses, or some crap.

They like to play , we learn to wait until we're sure so it often takes a few solid nudges to do it.

So things like that come into all this stuff too.,

And l effg hate all this socially awkward bs , l mean who isn't at times like that , ya know. often she's that awkward your having now l mean this in the best of good hearted ways, tis the game of love but you have a little chuckle in your head you know.

 

Anyway op , sounds like a strained couple of messages with just no convo flow from there, ya can feel this stuff, vibe, everything, ya know there's not gonna be anything to say next at those times. So he probably simply thought there's just nothing there and left it at that.

[d0nnivain]

chilli

 

I get that. As my husband jokes all the time I'm one of the few women he's ever met who is fluent in Martian. (it's a nod to that book Men Are From Mars & Women Are From Venus, about how the genders have different communication styles.). When I was a single woman it was very rare for me to ask out a man I didn't know but I wasn't subtle about telling him I wanted to ask me out . . . saying things like "Are you gonna ask me on a date, or what?"

 

Ironically when I met the man who is now my husband I was trying to learn to be more coy & girly rather than straightforward. Various influences had told me I was too direct & brought too much "masculine" energy into my dating relationships; that I needed to step back & let the guy lead. I tried. I really did but it was so against my nature. There were often wars going on in my head while I stood there silently smiling & not speaking up. DH recognized my internal struggle & told me to just be myself. He assured me that he has free will & if I asked about something he had the ability to say yes he wanted to participate or no he didn't but his desire not to do something didn't mean I could not do it. I'm off to 2 different events today without him.

 

My point to the OP & other women on this thread who struggle to hold a guy's interest is that even when you think you are being clear you might not be. Plus more women have to recognize that guys experience trepidation too. It can't be easy always having to be the one to ask, to face rejection, especially as you explained when some women just want to flirt but then get all offended when the guy actually works up the courage to ask them out. As a woman I learned early on how to send certain signals that I thought were clear designed to dissuade a man from asking a Q whose answer required me to hurt his feelings, i.e. I tried to make it obvious when I was happy to chat but didn't want things to turn romantic. Mostly I'd keep my physical distance & say soul crushing things like "I'm so glad we're friends."

[JuneL]

huh?

 

My husband is a shy introvert. He's polite & a good conversationalist.

 

I'm bad at internet / emojiis. Are you insulting me / him or making a joke that I missed?

 

Sorry it wasn’t meant to be an insult or a joke, but I was merely making an observation. I was very shy and introverted like that in my 20s (still am to some extent). But it was more forgiving when you’re very young; in fact, my ex-boyfriends found me cute and endearing then. But looking back, they were doing most if not all of the work at the early dating stage. I think your hubby was lucky to meet someone with a more outgoing personality like you, as I can imagine a guy with such a personality can have a disadvantage in the dating market.