I travelled around the world to meet a guy and got friend zoned

[texxxxas]

I've been talking to a guy I met on Tinder for several years now. We're from the same city but nothing eventuated and we kept an online relationship that lasted a number of years that got deeper (as much as an online relationship can) that included a lot of flirting and conversations about how much we wanted to be together and how we could talk about anything and everything together.

 

He (32M) moved overseas just over a year ago on a 2 year visa without us meeting but we kept in touch and chatted constantly. Over Christmas, he asked me to come and visit him so that we could spend some time together and go sightseeing - this would be the first time we'd meet face to face. I knew this was a risk given we were in different places and he is away for another year and travelling and having a good time meeting new people but I thought it could be fun to spend some time together for a week or so so booked the trip and that we could reevaluate once his 2 year visa was up. We talked about dates together to make sure he'd be free when I was there.

 

In the lead up to the trip he kept saying how much he couldn't wait to see me and that we'd stay together while I was there etc (we have each other on social media and have exchanged lots of pics etc so know what we look like). However, about 3 weeks before the trip, he started saying that he didn't realise I was coming to see him and he didn't keep any of the time free that we had agreed upon. We ended up catching-up a couple of times and on the second time, ended up back at my hotel room watching a movie in bed. Throughout the catch-up I felt as though he was telling me about girls in his new friendship group and I wasn't sure if this was a hint that he was seeing someone or that he wasn't interested in me. Whilst we were in bed, I started to touch his arm a little and he didn't reciprocate and left quite soon after. For the next week, he started responding less and less and didn't want to catch-up again.

 

I ended up asking what was up and he told me that he had a great time together but he didn't see anything more than a friend thing between us. He said that he wanted to hook-up but felt that it was wrong given that he wasn't feeling that way. He keeps telling me that it's not my fault and that I don't need to feel embarrassed or upset and that I have done nothing wrong.

 

I'm pretty upset after all of this time and the build up of the trip and us having said how much we wanted to be together and thought that we'd be able to catch-up when he's living back home in a another year but that has all changed.

 

What do I do now? Do I stay friends with him? Do I leave it alone? Is he seeing someone or do I just do the right thing and take him at face value that he now 'doesn't see anything more than a friend thing between us'?

[preraph]

I'm sorry you're disappointed, but if anything was going to happen, it would have happened in the years you lived in the same place. There's a reason it didn't and I don't know if that reason was he wasn't attracted or if he's simply already married or with someone, but it's highly suspicious that he didn't risk seeing you until he was safely out of town. So I'm assuming he's taken anyway.

 

Long friendships do not normally catch fire, so just try to keep that in mind. If there is any momentum, things will move much more quickly. Forget about him.

[smackie9]

Do now? Block/delete....nothing more to say.

[ExpatInItaly]

As soon as you said he "forgot" which dates you were coming, I immediately suspected he had started seeing someone and knew it wouldn't be right to spend the time with you when you were there. I don't think for a moment he honestly forgot when you were coming.

 

I think he's being honest that he doesn't see a future together, but I don't think it's something he just realized upon meeting you. He was pulling back before you went, which strongly suggests there was something else to it. Whether or not it's a woman isn't really important at this point.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think there's any point trying to stay friends with him. You two couldn't manage to meet while he was still living in your part of the world. And now that he's gone far away, it would be nearly impossible - especially given that he's putting distance between you two anyway. It's going to be better to cut ties with him.

[stillafool]

 

However, about 3 weeks before the trip, he started saying that he didn't realise I was coming to see him and he didn't keep any of the time free that we had agreed upon.

 

When he told you this you should have cancelled the trip. Why go when he doesn't even remember the plans? How insulting. He was trying to stop you from coming by saying that. No you should not be his friend, for what and why?

[fred123]

im not sure what to say. im in a similar position to you if you go read my thread. im sorry to hear that. im scared about my situation

[healing light]

Yeah, I think that he either started seeing someone else and/or he wasn't attracted in person. This is why it's really important to meet any online connection sooner rather than later to avoid building up a false sense of intimacy that may not translate in real life.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong, but I think you would be wise to let this one go so you can move on to someone who would be local and available. Otherwise, you risk wasting more years of your life on someone that may amount to nothing in the end while missing some potentially great matches along the way.

[kendahke]

What do I do now? Do I stay friends with him?

What's the point? Do you want to be his friend forever? What would it amount to, knowing that he basically played you for a fool and acted like you didn't have a whole azz conversation about him taking time off to show you around when it came time for you to get on the plane? I take it you paid for your own ticket and accommodations and he didn't? What a tool.

Do I leave it alone?

I would. As I said above--what's the point in keeping in touch with someone who treated you like that?

Is he seeing someone or do I just do the right thing and take him at face value that he now 'doesn't see anything more than a friend thing between us'?

Take him at face value--he doesn't want to be your lover/man/boyfriend.

At the very least, he should reimburse you since he's the one who changed his mind 3 weeks before you came and let you come believing that it would be a romantic denouement between you two.

 

But I have to agree with stillafool above--when he dropped that amnesia mess on you, that's when I would have cancelled the trip and blocked him.

 

He's a grown man, not a tweener. He knew all along that he didn't feel the same for you as you did for him, but he kept on feeding this. If he "got scared" of anything, it was the lie he's been weaving for all this time being routed by the truth.

Edited May 19, 2019 by kendahke

[mortensorchid]

I'm sorry that this happened to you, but this was/is a lost cause. You were in an online (I am guessing by chats, video calls, phone calls, etc.) relationship for YEARS and you never actually met this person? I have online relationships with people, they are just chat. Are we friends? Sure. Do they matter to me? Yes, but these relationships are chat relationships not face to face ones. Meet them? It would have to be under very extraordinary circumstances, not for the purpose of a hook up, thinking about all the time, energy and money you would have to spend in order to get to that person. And if you get to that person and it turns out to be lame, that's pretty bad.

 

It's too bad that you had to learn this lesson this way, but now that you have, move on.

[chillii]

Geez that was very very rough , l'm sorry you went all that way and through it.

But yeah also why didn't you meet at home in all that time?

And it was total ah act the way he started acting about you coming last minute, after all that planning and probably booking and hate to think money.

But really , bad sign l'm afraid also , l know it's a bit late for it now but really you shouldn't have even bothered with him acting like that before you'd even left.

At any rate , sorry to say that when the in person did come , apart from whatever else he was up to, he just didn't feel it.

[BaileyB]

As others have said, the fact that you had an “online relationship” but never met this man when you lived in the same city for years says it all...

 

I’m sorry you wasted your money and had your hopes dashed. Consider this a very expensive lesson to learn - relationships grow and develop in real life. Until you spend time together in real life, you are investing in a “fantasy” relationship...

[Highndry]

He wasn't attracted to you in person. I'm sorry. You'll find another guy who is. Don't talk to him anymore.

[Nnam]

I'd strongly suggest you stay friends or walk so as not to delve into anything complicated.

[The Outlaw]

It's just best to forget about him and move on. Nothing more can be done.

[Cinnamon_Girl]

I think that if you continued to talk to him, you'd keep hoping for a romance to develop, and be disappointed. Also, when he said he "forgot" or didn't know you were coming, to me, that sounds like he was lying. Maybe he was trying to get you to cancel your trip?

 

You went to a lot of effort and expense to meet this guy, and were disappointed.

 

I feel that any more contact with him will just lead to more hurt and disappointment.

[Fekenaws]

You can't take years for a relationship to form, it doesn't work like that. Relationships can only be molded by the flames of passion, and if you two aren't having sex and being intimate then our brains tend to categorize those people as friends or acquaintances. I'm not surprised in the slightest by your story, I've been ghosted by girls on Tinder for not asking them out THE WEEKEND we started talking. You need to move quickly in the dating world, if you don't you'll never get the ball rolling.