Did my depression cause my LDR girlfriend to cheat on me? Is it all my fault?

[EStreetJC]

We met on Reddit. We were “together” for eighteen months, with three in-person meetings.

 

In February, I discovered that she had already sparked up a relationship with a dude she met on Reddit (just as we had) and a meet date was already set. She had just separated from her husband and I was hoping we could finally be together after eighteen months of on again/off again cycles as she tried to “work on her marriage.” Of course, I freaked out and became a massive, pathetic begging mess. She was the first woman I've ever truly loved, and losing her was the most hellish pain I had experienced in almost a decade. When I finally got her on the phone, she said she was “waiting until she could explain it better” to tell me about it, and pointed directly to my untreated depression/anxiety issues as the reason she had already moved on from me. The trauma of losing her had the immediate effect of rocketing me out of the deep hole I’d been living in for eight years, and I decided to tell my family and start seeking treatment immediately, but for myself, not for her or anybody else. She didn’t believe me, however. Some choice quotes:

 

“You didn’t hold up your end of the bargain.”

“I need to live a life I can be proud of.”

“Taking you back sets a bad precedent.”

“I’m tired of men who don’t do anything until I’m already done.”

“I’m not sure I believe in soulmates” anymore." (We’d often said we felt like soulmates).

“Anybody can be gung-ho about therapy after two days."

 

She proceeded to freeze me out all the next week, as I begged and pleaded for her to hear me out, until I had to make the painful decision to walk away. When we did speak, it was like she had became an entirely different person. She wasn’t having any of it, even though I was truly ready to make a change. Too little, too late I guess. I’m still in therapy and working to be better.

 

My primary questions:

 

Is this relationship even salvageable? She was the first woman I’ve ever truly loved. Maybe the next one won’t come along for a long time, if ever; if there even *is* a “next one.” I wish I had been strong enough to get help, because maybe we’d actually be together. We just began talking again after a two month hiatus; she reached out to make sure I was okay and we’ve been texting/calling like the old times. No clue as to her current relationship status. I’m wondering how feasible it would be to try again. She really is my best friend, and I miss her endlessly.

 

Am I the ******* here? Could my mental health issues have caused her to feel backed into a corner and made her feel she had no choice but to cheat? She has since told me that she realizes her behavior was "inappropriate", that she realizes she has “deep rooted issues about love and abandonment, and felt like I had abandoned her by refusing her proposal for me to move to her state, due to the intense anxiety that provoked in me, even though I wanted it. She struggles with mental illness herself and always has. Her and her husband are continuing divorce proceedings, and I don’t know whatever happened with this other dude. I know how rich all of this sounds, considering she cheated on her husband with me, but I cannot shake the feeling that I just ruined everything by being so ashamed of my illness that I could never seek professional help about it, and she had asked me to a few times. There were times where our relationship was negatively impacted by our respective problems, but we also had a lot of good times too.

 

I understand I was profoundly sick in the head, but that doesn’t absolve me of any responsibility. Did I make her cheat? Did I bring all of this on myself? Was I the One True ******* here?

[FMW]

As to cheating in general, the person who cheats is responsible for that cheating, NOT the person cheated on.

 

You do have responsibilities in a relationship, so your depression could make it very difficult for you to maintain those responsibilities. But the result for which you would share blame would be a relationship that ended, NOT someone cheating on you. That's completely on them.

 

As to your specifics - I'm not really getting from what you wrote that the nature of your relationship with her was one that had any kind of commitment, so I'm not sure that what she did was actually cheating on you. During the 18 months you knew her she had a husband and a relationship with at least one other guy that you know of. Sounds like she was just playing the field.

 

Seek help for your issues for YOU (not for her or anyone else) and get to a good emotional place where you will attract and connect with someone more suitable for possible commitment. She's not it.

[chillii]

No , it's not all your fault your gf couldn't keepen closed behind your back just because you had problems.

She should have split up with you first and been up front and honest with you , for whatever the reasons.

Don't blame yourself for her weakness because whatever was going on there is no need to do stuff like that behind your back.

ps , and nope it probably wouldn't be but why would you want it after she's done this.

Edited May 18, 2019 by chillii

[d0nnivain]

No this relationship is not salvageable. LDRs require a tremendous amount of trust and a thick skin.

 

You picked her off a terrible platform at a time when you were a wreck. Get what? In that mind set of course you are going to make a bad choice. To the extent that you chose an inappropriate partner, OK, you have some blame but you didn't make her cheat. She chose to do that. She had the option to break up with you then see another person. She didn't do that.

[Redhead14]

Depression doesn't cause cheating . . . people do. Your girlfriend "caused the cheating", not your depression, not you. It's all on her.

 

Be happy to be out from this anyway. It wasn't a relationship, it was a train wreck. When you eventually come out of the fog of depression, you'll see that clearly.

[preraph]

Long distance is what caused the breakup. It usually does. It does sound like you know you express overly emotional, and yes, that can be a real red flag and turnoff. I'm just being honest. It usually scares women when they get a whiff that someone is more invested and emotional than they are. Her investment was not equal to yours. And just so you know, dating someone in the middle of a divorce or longterm breakup is never a good idea either. Done it myself about three too many times. It's a lot of chaos on their end and their focus isn't on you as much.

 

No, this is something you need to move on from. Just take care of you and work on your depression and issues. But no, that's just one little bit of what happened here. Still, everyone should work on that to try to feel better and get to the bottom of it and be their best self.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

We met on Reddit. We were “together” for eighteen months, with three in-person meetings.

 

In February, I discovered that she had already sparked up a relationship with a dude she met on Reddit (just as we had) and a meet date was already set. She had just separated from her husband and I was hoping we could finally be together after eighteen months of on again/off again cycles as she tried to “work on her marriage.” Of course, I freaked out and became a massive, pathetic begging mess. She was the first woman I've ever truly loved, and losing her was the most hellish pain I had experienced in almost a decade. When I finally got her on the phone, she said she was “waiting until she could explain it better” to tell me about it, and pointed directly to my untreated depression/anxiety issues as the reason she had already moved on from me. The trauma of losing her had the immediate effect of rocketing me out of the deep hole I’d been living in for eight years, and I decided to tell my family and start seeking treatment immediately, but for myself, not for her or anybody else. She didn’t believe me, however. Some choice quotes:

 

“You didn’t hold up your end of the bargain.”

“I need to live a life I can be proud of.”

“Taking you back sets a bad precedent.”

“I’m tired of men who don’t do anything until I’m already done.”

“I’m not sure I believe in soulmates” anymore." (We’d often said we felt like soulmates).

“Anybody can be gung-ho about therapy after two days."

 

She proceeded to freeze me out all the next week, as I begged and pleaded for her to hear me out, until I had to make the painful decision to walk away. When we did speak, it was like she had became an entirely different person. She wasn’t having any of it, even though I was truly ready to make a change. Too little, too late I guess. I’m still in therapy and working to be better.

 

My primary questions:

 

Is this relationship even salvageable? She was the first woman I’ve ever truly loved. Maybe the next one won’t come along for a long time, if ever; if there even *is* a “next one.” I wish I had been strong enough to get help, because maybe we’d actually be together. We just began talking again after a two month hiatus; she reached out to make sure I was okay and we’ve been texting/calling like the old times. No clue as to her current relationship status. I’m wondering how feasible it would be to try again. She really is my best friend, and I miss her endlessly.

 

Am I the ******* here? Could my mental health issues have caused her to feel backed into a corner and made her feel she had no choice but to cheat? She has since told me that she realizes her behavior was "inappropriate", that she realizes she has “deep rooted issues about love and abandonment, and felt like I had abandoned her by refusing her proposal for me to move to her state, due to the intense anxiety that provoked in me, even though I wanted it. She struggles with mental illness herself and always has. Her and her husband are continuing divorce proceedings, and I don’t know whatever happened with this other dude. I know how rich all of this sounds, considering she cheated on her husband with me, but I cannot shake the feeling that I just ruined everything by being so ashamed of my illness that I could never seek professional help about it, and she had asked me to a few times. There were times where our relationship was negatively impacted by our respective problems, but we also had a lot of good times too.

 

I understand I was profoundly sick in the head, but that doesn’t absolve me of any responsibility. Did I make her cheat? Did I bring all of this on myself? Was I the One True ******* here?

 

Ask her "Is this relationship salvageable."

 

From your replies, it seems her answer is no.

 

If she cheated on you, that sucks. Don't dwell on that part. Either make a decision to move on, or don't.

 

It's literally all in your hands.